Get Jolly

So I know many of you are thinking, "Boy, I would love to buy Ashley a Christmas gift for entertaining me throughout the year." I know. That would be fun, wouldn't it? However, I have a plan that could get me, you and the lucky guy in your life holiday joy all at one time. No, I'm not offering myself up for a threesome (but if you want to send naked photos of yourself, please direct them to ashleysclosetblog@yahoo.com and no, that does not mean you, Nigerian scammers). I am suggesting that you do your last minute holiday shopping at TooTimid.com.

First of all, and most obviously, we will all benefit from this. Secondly, you can get your orders in time for Christmas with no rush shipping charges if you order by Monday 3pm. Third, your husband/boyfriend/baby's daddy/friend with benefits will have NO PROBLEM with you buying these things, even if you've already overspent on gifts.

You won't feel like a perv either since Too Timid is so female friendly and ships in discreet Priority mail packaging. They also have a 1 year guarantee on their toys and they are just super nice to deal with. I was recently lucky enough to get invited to be on their toy review team and they have done me right (pun intended).

So here are a few suggestions from me and my freaky friend:

Ohhhhh, we are so getting another Hot Heart Massager this year. I got one for Mr. Ashley for his birthday last year, not from Too Timid because I didn't know about them at the time (unfortunately for me because I paid way more), but this is the same product and we LOVE it.

It is this neat, gel, squishy heart that has a metal disc inside of it. You snap the disc and it gets warm. At first it's really pretty hot and it feels so good on a lotioned up back. Then as it starts to cool down to a comfortable warmth it feels really, really good on just about any other lotioned up part you can think of (from what I've heard...). It stays warm and squishy for about 30 minutes and then the crystals harden and you have to boil it to make it work again. This, my friends, is why I need 2 of them. That and because Mr. Ashley has 2 hands. Therefore, I will buy it for him for Christmas and pretend that I'm not doing this for self serving purposes (although he'll see right through that because we both know I freaking LOVE THIS THING).

I just recently came across this Massage Candle and I'm thinking I'm probably going to get it to go along with the heart massager. Yeah, such a gift will probably lead Mr. Ashley to believe that he'll be getting a massage and I most likely will have to even go ahead and give him one...but that just means next time is my turn!

According to the description, you light this candle and it melts into a massage oil that you can pour directly onto the body and unlike normal candles it stays at a comfortable temperature so you won't have to explain burn marks or dried clumps of candle wax in your hair to coworkers.

They have a fancier looking version for $6 more but let's face it, we're shopping for men. It could come in a Crisco tub and they'd be thrilled if they thought there was a chance at getting freaky deaky later. But if you were buying it for a bachelorette party gift or something, it may be worth springing for a few extra bucks.

I've never done this sort of thing before (and neither has "my friend") but for $11, these adult finger paints look like they could be a lot of fun. Normally, I'm not one to encourage anything that could later involve extensive clean up. I'm lucky if I reach the baby wipes before I fall into a deep sleep afterwards, but I figure these would be a cute stocking stuffer and that it might be fun being someone's canvas ;-)

My uh, friend has a bullet with a silicone sleeve that is one of my, um her, favorite toys ever. I think for $3, you should try this Vibrating Ring and see what you think, the concept is very much the same. These are one time use, so you might want to get 2 (or 3 or 4 or maybe you should just buy a similar bullet with a sleeve). This is also Mr. Freaky Friend's favorite so at least it is something that can be (and is!) enjoyed by everyone.

I about LMAO when I saw this Candy Cane online but I wasn't laughing when I found one of Don Wands Glass Pleasure Wands in one of my review boxes. I was grinning ear to ear, though. I had seen something about these Pyrex toys on some show (maybe HBO's Real Sex?) and thought they looked really interesting and I was curious about their ability to be warmed up and cooled down. I'm trying not to get all porn-y on you all here (although I know you hos would probably love it) but glass provides a very unique and pleasurable sensation and retains warmth/body heat very easily. So that's all I'm going to say about that, but if I was Oprah, I'd buy y'all one.

All right, here is where things get a little more adult than I would normally like, but seriously, I consider all of you girls my friends. Even those of you who don't like me, I just feel sorry for you and hope you'll keep reading and eventually see the light. Anyhoo, the Pollyannas in the crowd may want to cover their eyes for this next part (or don't, there's time to convert and your husband will love you for it).


My friend (and seriously this is not me because Mr. Ashley is pretty shy and he wouldn't exactly want the world wide web knowing his business...although I guess he'd have to read my blog to even know....anyway) my friend bought her husband one of these. Not for use by himself, although she certainly doesn't care if that happens too, but for some added spice when they are together. Let's face it, there are very few cool toys for guys. Sure, they don't need much but I'm sure some unique sensations are still fun for them too. So, she is probably the coolest wife ever and they have had fun with it, even though he refuses to call it Ophelia. From what I hear.

I normally wouldn't showcase an item like the one above but I had to bring it up because I "know" a lot of you from the Bargain Board and once I took note of the peach craze (which I will try but know that it will be more mess than I am up for on a regular basis) I figured I should share. For those who aren't blessed with the Bargain Board, a poster there revealed her trick of taking the pit out of a peach, cutting it like a donut with a slit in the side and heating it up a little in the microwave before using it for assistance when doing adult things you can use your dirty minds to figure out. Seriously...that's a lot of work. This would be way easier and less messy and he'll be just as happy.

So now that your husbands love me as much as you do, head on over to Too Timid and check your husband off of the naughty list. Oh, and I saw that they have this on sale today only for $16. It looks interesting, but I can't justify it for myself since I have been shopping like a mofo, since I get free toys and since I just placed a decent sized order as it is, but I'm sure you could get it. And don't forget the Viva Cream...you all know I love that stuff. If you don't know, you had better get to reading the archives or you're going to fail the midterm.

Okay, going to go now before I feel like a total perv. Have a Freaky Friday, my friends!