This morning I was playing "Mommy the Mad Cow" where I chase the kids around and MOO angrily. Big Kid ran up to me looking genuinely pissed and punched me in the leg.
Ashley: WHAT?! Why the heck did you just punch me, Big Kid?
Big Kid: (loud and angry) BECAUSE YOU ARE A NASTY COW.
I know I shouldn't have but I had to laugh. Really hard.
Also, let me mention that Big Kid is learning how to be a real boy in this damn Jewish school of his. He is suddenly wanting to "smash" everyone and karate kick and stuff. Well, I taught him the karate kicking, but the rest of the "playful" (but painful) kicking, hitting, punching, slapping, aggressive play is all their fault.
I knew I should have kept him sheltered.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Have We Screwed Up?
Mr. Ashley: We have to watch what we say around Big Kid.
Ashley: Why? What makes you say that? (praying he hasn't said fucktard)
Mr. Ashley: I'll have to tell you later, he's listening.
Ashley: Spell it.
Mr. Ashley: He said we s-c-r-e-w-e-d u-p our computers.
Ashley: Screwed up?
Mr. Ashley: SHHHHH!! Don't say it.
Ashley: Is that wrong to say? I don't think that is wrong to say.
Mr. Ashley: I don't think it's right.
Ashley: I think you're wrong. I think it's fine.
Mr. Ashley: I don't know.
Ashley: It's better than "fweakin'".
Mr. Ashley: Yeah, that's not so great either.
Ashley: Why? What makes you say that? (praying he hasn't said fucktard)
Mr. Ashley: I'll have to tell you later, he's listening.
Ashley: Spell it.
Mr. Ashley: He said we s-c-r-e-w-e-d u-p our computers.
Ashley: Screwed up?
Mr. Ashley: SHHHHH!! Don't say it.
Ashley: Is that wrong to say? I don't think that is wrong to say.
Mr. Ashley: I don't think it's right.
Ashley: I think you're wrong. I think it's fine.
Mr. Ashley: I don't know.
Ashley: It's better than "fweakin'".
Mr. Ashley: Yeah, that's not so great either.
Spa Day & Date Night
Well, it turns out I don't like facials. Unfortunately I did not discover this until I was laying on a table, covered in hot wet towels, with a paper mask on, hot steam enveloping me and a small Mexican woman digging holes in my face. Holy panic attack, Batman.
For some reason, the whole thing made me unbelievably claustrophobic. Mr. Ashley always laughs when I call myself that because I sleep completely (head and all) under a down comforter every night of the year, but put me in an unairconditioned elevator and watch my heart thud out of my chest while I struggle to breathe.
At first the hot towels felt good, but then they just felt wet and heavy and like they were trapping me. The steam blast is definitely what sent me over the edge. In an attempt to calm myself, I tried to do my Hypnobabies hypnosis visualization and breathing...but that was hard to do when I felt like I was drowning with every breath.
The lady must have sensed that I was ready to climb out of my own skin and run from the building screaming, because she threw in a really nice upper body massage. That sounds kind of pervy, doesn't it? It was just my back and arms and face and neck really.
English wasn't her first language and when she was getting me situated in the room and telling me what to take off she said, "And if you could just bare your breasts for me". LMFAO. She meant for me to take my shirt off and put a little towel wrap thing on but I wanted to say, "What are you, Howard Stern?" but figured she wouldn't get it or appreciate it anyway. Or maybe she really was hoping I'd show her my ta-tas? Who knows.
By the way, why didn't any of you advise me against letting someone poke at my face before a night of wanting to look pretty? I looked better going in than I did coming out.
Then I got my mani/pedi. For the record, any of you in this industry, I generally don't want to talk. HOWEVER, if we do talk, I definitely don't just want to talk about you the whole time. Everyone please take note: when in conversation with another person, if they ask you a question in an attempt to learn more about you or just to avoid awkwardness, it is then your turn to ask a question back. Don't just go on and on about yourself and your smart kids and your boring life. I have smart kids and a boring life too and I like to talk about them.
My Bordeaux red fingers and toes looked fantastic!!! For about an hour and 20 minutes, when I mistakenly assumed they would be dry and I jammed my toes into my 4 inch BCBG super sexy dinner heels (called dinner heels because I can only wear them if I'll be mostly sitting down) and smeared off most of one toe. DAMN IT.
Oh well, I looked great if I do say so myself and we had a fantastic night at a super ritzy restaurant and then went to a really fun bar for a Bailey's Banana Colada which they didn't even charge me for since it was my birthday!
Then we came home and...well I'd tell you but Mr. Ashley would blush. Let's just say he owes me a double cheeseburger. BECAUSE CHEESEBURGERS IZ GOOD!!!
For some reason, the whole thing made me unbelievably claustrophobic. Mr. Ashley always laughs when I call myself that because I sleep completely (head and all) under a down comforter every night of the year, but put me in an unairconditioned elevator and watch my heart thud out of my chest while I struggle to breathe.
At first the hot towels felt good, but then they just felt wet and heavy and like they were trapping me. The steam blast is definitely what sent me over the edge. In an attempt to calm myself, I tried to do my Hypnobabies hypnosis visualization and breathing...but that was hard to do when I felt like I was drowning with every breath.
The lady must have sensed that I was ready to climb out of my own skin and run from the building screaming, because she threw in a really nice upper body massage. That sounds kind of pervy, doesn't it? It was just my back and arms and face and neck really.
English wasn't her first language and when she was getting me situated in the room and telling me what to take off she said, "And if you could just bare your breasts for me". LMFAO. She meant for me to take my shirt off and put a little towel wrap thing on but I wanted to say, "What are you, Howard Stern?" but figured she wouldn't get it or appreciate it anyway. Or maybe she really was hoping I'd show her my ta-tas? Who knows.
By the way, why didn't any of you advise me against letting someone poke at my face before a night of wanting to look pretty? I looked better going in than I did coming out.
Then I got my mani/pedi. For the record, any of you in this industry, I generally don't want to talk. HOWEVER, if we do talk, I definitely don't just want to talk about you the whole time. Everyone please take note: when in conversation with another person, if they ask you a question in an attempt to learn more about you or just to avoid awkwardness, it is then your turn to ask a question back. Don't just go on and on about yourself and your smart kids and your boring life. I have smart kids and a boring life too and I like to talk about them.
My Bordeaux red fingers and toes looked fantastic!!! For about an hour and 20 minutes, when I mistakenly assumed they would be dry and I jammed my toes into my 4 inch BCBG super sexy dinner heels (called dinner heels because I can only wear them if I'll be mostly sitting down) and smeared off most of one toe. DAMN IT.
Oh well, I looked great if I do say so myself and we had a fantastic night at a super ritzy restaurant and then went to a really fun bar for a Bailey's Banana Colada which they didn't even charge me for since it was my birthday!
Then we came home and...well I'd tell you but Mr. Ashley would blush. Let's just say he owes me a double cheeseburger. BECAUSE CHEESEBURGERS IZ GOOD!!!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Why Would You Sell Yourself for a Double Cheeseburger?
Well, in honor of my birthday, my computer decided to undo whatever miracle recovery had occured and it bit the dust. I'm going to leave it off for a few days (Waaaaaaah!) and hope it miraculously recovers again, but this is unlikely.
This doesn't mean you won't hear from me, it just means I'll have to sneak onto Mr. Ashley's computer and fight with him about what is more important...his work or you all. The correct answer is you all. Sometimes he doesn't think so though, so you may hear less from me (but maybe not, you never know, I am persistent.)
My birthday was lovely. There was a lot of napping and wine and not much taking care of the kids. Mr. Ashley and the boys got me one hour of studio rental and one hour of personal instruction with a photographer I really admire. I've taken classes before but I'm all about personal instruction, aka all eyes on me aka I get to talk as much as I want. Cool, huh? He's been listening!!
Big Kid drew me a picture of a cake with MOM written on it and Happy Birthday written underneath it. It was so freaking cute. I am so proud of that kid. Can I brag for a moment and tell you all he's doing 2nd grade math and making graphs of the ages of everyone in our family for fun? He is something else. Unfortunately my math skills only go up to around 2nd grade, so let's hope he doesn't learn too much more.
For dinner we went to Uno Pizza with my parents and brother. My mom got me a monogrammed shower curtain and towels (I LOVE THEM!) and some Bento stuff. Included in the Bento stuff is piles of weiner cutters. Whose life could be complete without penguin shaped weiners? I love them. Also, my guest bathroom is sorely in need of a makeover and this is a huDge start on that, so yay mom!
Today I'm using a spa gift certificate I got for mother's day to treat myself to a Vitamin C facial and a mani/pedi and then we're using a gift certificate that The Renee got me (VERY generous of her) to one of our favorite restaurants!! I'm really super excited about today. I can probably even talk Mr. Ashley into letting me nap some more. Man do I love a good nap.
Some random observations from yesterday:
Maury Povich: How does this man sleep at night? How does Connie Chung sleep with him? It's just embarrassing. An actual clip from an upcoming show about promiscuous 14 year olds (isn't every show about paternity, slutty kids, fat kids or transvestites?):
Maury: You sold your body for a double cheeseburger? Why would you sell yourself for a double cheeseburger?
Slutty teen: BECAUSE CHEESEBURGERS IZ GOOD!! (punctuated by a chicken head sort of dance move)
Mr. Ashley and I have probably recreated this scene 50 times since seeing it and break down into gut busting giggles every time one of us does it. I guess I should thank Maury for adding this gem to our family lexicon, but I'm too busy being embarrassed for him.
Corey Feldman: Was he in every single movie in the 80s? I was watching Gremlins yesterday and couldn't believe he was in it. I've often said that Dakota Fanning seems to be the only child star in America, I guess Corey was it for the 80s. They had Drew Barrymore too though. I guess we had Haley Joel Osment for a little while, 'til he turned into a drunk driving, pot smoking mini adult. Don't they all?
For the record, Gremlins is really not appropriate for a 4 year old. I had forgotten that until he was hooked but I had a lot of explaining to do. They are violent little fuckers and I totally forgot about the mom putting them in the blender and the microwave.
Big Kid: How tum she is cooking dem?
Ashley: Um, they're just playing.
Big Kid: Dat seems wrong. He should not have that chain around her neck, dat is not good playing.
Ashley: No, no it isn't, is it? How about we watch Oprah?
Big Kid: How about not?
Speaking of Oprah yesterday, I try not to get political here, but GO MICHAEL MOORE! I LOVED seeing that insurance commisioner squirm. You are WRONG beyotch, and you know it! The health care situation here in America is just horrendous. Robert Gates wants $190 BILLION for 9 more months of this neverending, pointless war? That would insure our whole country. As someone who is having to decide between continuing her health insurance coverage (we're small business owners, no group policy) or continuing to send her kid to pre-k (we don't qualify for voluntary pre-k, however we also can't afford what we're doing now but it is our only option), I am just appalled by how my tax dollars are being spent.
Here is a short, easy to understand video by the Ben and Jerry guy that adequately explains where our money is going. If I'm going to be riled up about it today, you should too:
DO NOT even get me started on Dubya, that deserves it's very own blog but then I'd probably be tracked down and audited or arrested or otherwise punished for speaking out against President Pumpkinhead. So much for not getting political huh? This has turned into quite the potpourri post. From birthday gifts to Maury Povich to child stars to health care to federal spending to Bush bashing.
I'm going to end it here and hope that Maury has the Hamburgler Prosti-tot on today. I hope you all have a kick ass Friday! I will think of you as I'm being pampered!
This doesn't mean you won't hear from me, it just means I'll have to sneak onto Mr. Ashley's computer and fight with him about what is more important...his work or you all. The correct answer is you all. Sometimes he doesn't think so though, so you may hear less from me (but maybe not, you never know, I am persistent.)
My birthday was lovely. There was a lot of napping and wine and not much taking care of the kids. Mr. Ashley and the boys got me one hour of studio rental and one hour of personal instruction with a photographer I really admire. I've taken classes before but I'm all about personal instruction, aka all eyes on me aka I get to talk as much as I want. Cool, huh? He's been listening!!
Big Kid drew me a picture of a cake with MOM written on it and Happy Birthday written underneath it. It was so freaking cute. I am so proud of that kid. Can I brag for a moment and tell you all he's doing 2nd grade math and making graphs of the ages of everyone in our family for fun? He is something else. Unfortunately my math skills only go up to around 2nd grade, so let's hope he doesn't learn too much more.
For dinner we went to Uno Pizza with my parents and brother. My mom got me a monogrammed shower curtain and towels (I LOVE THEM!) and some Bento stuff. Included in the Bento stuff is piles of weiner cutters. Whose life could be complete without penguin shaped weiners? I love them. Also, my guest bathroom is sorely in need of a makeover and this is a huDge start on that, so yay mom!
Today I'm using a spa gift certificate I got for mother's day to treat myself to a Vitamin C facial and a mani/pedi and then we're using a gift certificate that The Renee got me (VERY generous of her) to one of our favorite restaurants!! I'm really super excited about today. I can probably even talk Mr. Ashley into letting me nap some more. Man do I love a good nap.
Some random observations from yesterday:
Maury Povich: How does this man sleep at night? How does Connie Chung sleep with him? It's just embarrassing. An actual clip from an upcoming show about promiscuous 14 year olds (isn't every show about paternity, slutty kids, fat kids or transvestites?):
Maury: You sold your body for a double cheeseburger? Why would you sell yourself for a double cheeseburger?
Slutty teen: BECAUSE CHEESEBURGERS IZ GOOD!! (punctuated by a chicken head sort of dance move)
Mr. Ashley and I have probably recreated this scene 50 times since seeing it and break down into gut busting giggles every time one of us does it. I guess I should thank Maury for adding this gem to our family lexicon, but I'm too busy being embarrassed for him.
Corey Feldman: Was he in every single movie in the 80s? I was watching Gremlins yesterday and couldn't believe he was in it. I've often said that Dakota Fanning seems to be the only child star in America, I guess Corey was it for the 80s. They had Drew Barrymore too though. I guess we had Haley Joel Osment for a little while, 'til he turned into a drunk driving, pot smoking mini adult. Don't they all?
For the record, Gremlins is really not appropriate for a 4 year old. I had forgotten that until he was hooked but I had a lot of explaining to do. They are violent little fuckers and I totally forgot about the mom putting them in the blender and the microwave.
Big Kid: How tum she is cooking dem?
Ashley: Um, they're just playing.
Big Kid: Dat seems wrong. He should not have that chain around her neck, dat is not good playing.
Ashley: No, no it isn't, is it? How about we watch Oprah?
Big Kid: How about not?
Speaking of Oprah yesterday, I try not to get political here, but GO MICHAEL MOORE! I LOVED seeing that insurance commisioner squirm. You are WRONG beyotch, and you know it! The health care situation here in America is just horrendous. Robert Gates wants $190 BILLION for 9 more months of this neverending, pointless war? That would insure our whole country. As someone who is having to decide between continuing her health insurance coverage (we're small business owners, no group policy) or continuing to send her kid to pre-k (we don't qualify for voluntary pre-k, however we also can't afford what we're doing now but it is our only option), I am just appalled by how my tax dollars are being spent.
Here is a short, easy to understand video by the Ben and Jerry guy that adequately explains where our money is going. If I'm going to be riled up about it today, you should too:
DO NOT even get me started on Dubya, that deserves it's very own blog but then I'd probably be tracked down and audited or arrested or otherwise punished for speaking out against President Pumpkinhead. So much for not getting political huh? This has turned into quite the potpourri post. From birthday gifts to Maury Povich to child stars to health care to federal spending to Bush bashing.
I'm going to end it here and hope that Maury has the Hamburgler Prosti-tot on today. I hope you all have a kick ass Friday! I will think of you as I'm being pampered!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Guess Whose Birthday it is?
The one, the only, your favorite....
Cards generously provided by Carol Lee Designs. Check her out, her cards are hysterical. She made my week with this gift!
So party like it's my birthday, because it is!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Ways To Waste More Time Online
A link for FREE Oregon Trail
and a really funny Mastercard parody. The word blow job is mentioned, so beware.
and a really funny Mastercard parody. The word blow job is mentioned, so beware.
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