A Confession

I have a confession. I've been thinking about how to tell you all this since October. I've almost started this post so many times. It's just that I don't want you to think differently of me. Also, it is not funny. No. This is serious. You'll probably never think of me the same again. You might not want to read anymore.

Sigh.

Okay. Here goes. Once I hit publish, there's no going back. Well, I could delete it, but you bitches are quick. 300 of you would probably already know and you'd be sure to spread the word. Whispering and gossiping. Did you hear about Ashley? Emailing and IMing each other. Starting secret internet forums about me where you would copy and paste the confession I had thought I deleted.

I don't care. I'm going to bare my soul to you all. You deserve to know.

Okay, so.................................................................................

I'm on Effexor for anxiety. There. Now you know. You've been reading the ravings of an insane person. A MEDICATED insane person.

What's that you say?

So?

What do you mean so?? This is huDge news.

No?

It's not?

Everyone is on something these days?

Oh.

What about the stigma though? Surely I have the stigma now, the one that those with mental health issues have?

No? There really isn't a stigma now? Lots of people need something or another to get them through tough times? Or just to get them through times?

Well, now that you say that, I guess I don't look at other people who are on Lexapro or Prozac or whatever and think that they are crazy. Well, some of them I do, but I think they're crazy no matter what.

So why the hell have I been keeping this secret for months? You mean, I could have told you about how weird I felt at first? I could have explained that my brief absence was a complete and total detachment from the world and that I wasn't sure if it was better to be anxious or to absolutely not give a shit about anything ever?

Damn. I struggled through all of that alone. For no reason at all.

Well, you'll be happy to hear (or you should be) that now I'm feeling better than ever. Like ever ever. I do get more headaches than I did before and that may be a side effect, but whatever. A good excuse for an Excedrine and a nap.

I don't remember if I ever knew what happy really was? I mean, yeah, of course I've been happy. But truly content with life? I don't remember. I mean my life pretty much does suck lately. I was stressed to the max with this whole condo thing and I have a financially unstable future due to this depressed real estate market (maybe it needs some Effexor too?) but I'm not up all night feeling sick about it or anything anymore. In fact, most of the time, I don't think of it at all. A MIRACLE for a big thinker (read: self torturer) like myself!

A fellow chaw once described being on Celexa and said that it took that knot of frustration in her throat away. That struck a chord with me, because I recognize that knot of frustration as a way of life, but I still didn't do anything about it for months, because surely I was not as crazy as she was.

But she's not crazy. She's smart. She came to the realization that she didn't have to live like this. That life can be good. That maybe sometimes you need some help remembering how to be happy or that sometimes it feels like God DOES give you more than you can handle (and no, this is not a reference to little kid).

Two of my other close friends have recently gotten on something too and they have both shared with me that they feel the same way that I do. Different. Good. Hopeful. Grateful. Happy.

Now that I'm on it, I've noticed all sorts of other women who are on it, all people who I deem "normal". So I guess I'm not some crazy freak. Well, maybe I am a crazy freak, but that's not what causes my anxiety and moodiness. Moodyness? Moodiness? Is that really a word? Looks wrong.

Anyway, I just wanted to share in case anyone else out there was on the fence about it...it just may be a good thing for you. There's no shame in it. I'm sorry it doesn't make for a better confession, you all know I've been looking for something earth shattering for sweeps week. This isn't it.