During a discussion about little kid's rampant snacking habits, Big Kid said, "You've got greed and gluttony, little kid."
"You've got sloth," I answered, since little kid doesn't understand the word gluttony or see anything wrong with greed.
"You're lust!" Big Kid replied.
Mr. Ashley and I gasped in unison. "Whaaaat?!? Big Kid, I am not!" I yelled, as Mr. Ashley snickered.
"You do! You sleep a lot!"
"First of all, I do not sleep a lot. I don't know where you all get this idea. Second, lust is when you love a lot of people...." I attempted to explain.
"Haha! You're definitely lust! You loves all kinds of people! Haha!" little kid chimed in (and I was on his side originally).
"I really think it involved sleeping. I'm almost sure of it," Big Kid mused.
"No! Trust me! It's when you love too many people romantically....too often."
"Still you!" little kid shouted. "You love Jack's mom!!"
"Well, this has taken a weird turn," said Mr. Ashley.
"I do love Jack's mom...but not romantically! I only love your dad romantically. I swear."
"I'm gonna have to look this up when I get home. I'm certain it involved sleeping...." Big Kid continued.
"Look, you're forbidden from looking it up. You're going to have to take my word for it. And I'm done talking about this now, completely done."
"Well, you do sleep a lot."
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Uncle Babysitter
"I'm going to start babysitting babies and I'll charge $1 an hour but only $3 for a whole day because I love babies and want to be able to watch a lot of them," Big Kid said.
"Um, bro? Is this deal gonna be abailable when I'm growed up?" asked little kid.
"Why?"
"'Cuz I wanna have a baby but I have other big plans, so if you could watch it for 3 bucks while I do that other stuff..."
"Dude, I don't know if you're the type who should have a baby."
"Why? I want babies! I just wanna do other stuff too so I need to know if you'll watch it, is all."
"Um, bro? Is this deal gonna be abailable when I'm growed up?" asked little kid.
"Why?"
"'Cuz I wanna have a baby but I have other big plans, so if you could watch it for 3 bucks while I do that other stuff..."
"Dude, I don't know if you're the type who should have a baby."
"Why? I want babies! I just wanna do other stuff too so I need to know if you'll watch it, is all."
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Excuses
I've started to write like 5 different blog posts but nothing ever sticks. What is happening with me? Are my kids not as funny as they used to be? Am I too busy with "real life"? I don't know!
I have made a new friend who is very active and social and I think she is partially to blame. She gets me to do stuff like go for long walks on the beach, go kayaking (not even kidding, my lazy self really did go kayaking), and go grocery shopping together. We're even going camping on an island over spring break with the kids and no men. Would old Ashley do that? No sir, new Ashley is actually a little worried about doing that. Because who will carry all of the stuff? And who would fight off any potential bears or serial killers? (Can bears get on an island?) She likes to go to the beach even if it's cold and always has stuff to talk about. So she keeps me busy (and it's hard for me to be busy, but I do like it/her).
Also, I've been having 3 hour breakfasts with assorted other friends and painting my nails and making muffins and cleaning the house, and doing all the stuff I hated other stay at home moms for doing when my kids were younger. It turns out, I am an excellent stay at home mom now that the kids are in school! I might never work again (my husband laughs when I say this, but I am kind of serious). I found my old dollhouse and am refinishing it and that's about the most exciting thing I have going, which is both embarrassing and nice.
I really do think the kids haven't been as funny as usual, but I'll pay closer attention because I'm probably just missing the good stuff. Very unfunnily, two different kids have called Big Kid a nerd this week for his 2 pairs of shoes (sanuks and converse), and I'm torn between tracking them down and beating them with their own stupid shoes or figuring out what shoes aren't nerdy and buying 2 of every pair. Dumb little jerks. I care far more than Big Kid does, but I can't help it. They're just jealous because he's cuter and smarter and dresses cooler than them and I hate them.
I had a traumatic volunteering incident over the weekend that just comes out whiny any time I try to post about it although it was undoubtedly horrific and traumatic. I'm not even going there but I will tell you that this was posted on the door--
(this sign is a regular fixture at someone's workplace. Some people are prohibited from pooping at work!)
and the lady I volunteered with for 11 hours, who talked only about herself that entire time, mentioned that she had diarrhea within moments of meeting me. And that was actually one of the more charming incidents of that entire hell-gotten (is that a word? It should be) day.
Anyway, never volunteering again and I mean it this time! See how I underlined "mean it"? I don't know if I've ever underlined anything. I mean it.
I have made a new friend who is very active and social and I think she is partially to blame. She gets me to do stuff like go for long walks on the beach, go kayaking (not even kidding, my lazy self really did go kayaking), and go grocery shopping together. We're even going camping on an island over spring break with the kids and no men. Would old Ashley do that? No sir, new Ashley is actually a little worried about doing that. Because who will carry all of the stuff? And who would fight off any potential bears or serial killers? (Can bears get on an island?) She likes to go to the beach even if it's cold and always has stuff to talk about. So she keeps me busy (and it's hard for me to be busy, but I do like it/her).
Also, I've been having 3 hour breakfasts with assorted other friends and painting my nails and making muffins and cleaning the house, and doing all the stuff I hated other stay at home moms for doing when my kids were younger. It turns out, I am an excellent stay at home mom now that the kids are in school! I might never work again (my husband laughs when I say this, but I am kind of serious). I found my old dollhouse and am refinishing it and that's about the most exciting thing I have going, which is both embarrassing and nice.
I really do think the kids haven't been as funny as usual, but I'll pay closer attention because I'm probably just missing the good stuff. Very unfunnily, two different kids have called Big Kid a nerd this week for his 2 pairs of shoes (sanuks and converse), and I'm torn between tracking them down and beating them with their own stupid shoes or figuring out what shoes aren't nerdy and buying 2 of every pair. Dumb little jerks. I care far more than Big Kid does, but I can't help it. They're just jealous because he's cuter and smarter and dresses cooler than them and I hate them.
I had a traumatic volunteering incident over the weekend that just comes out whiny any time I try to post about it although it was undoubtedly horrific and traumatic. I'm not even going there but I will tell you that this was posted on the door--
and the lady I volunteered with for 11 hours, who talked only about herself that entire time, mentioned that she had diarrhea within moments of meeting me. And that was actually one of the more charming incidents of that entire hell-gotten (is that a word? It should be) day.
Anyway, never volunteering again and I mean it this time! See how I underlined "mean it"? I don't know if I've ever underlined anything. I mean it.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Things to Know
little kid just asked me, "Mom, what would happen if you's was parachutin' from an airplane, like one flyin' up in the air, and jumped into the eye of a tornado....wearing a metal suit, like knights did?"
"Seriously? You are asking me what would happen if someone went skydiving into a tornado wearing a suit of armor?"
"Yes."
How could I know that, people? This is the kind of stuff I have to answer all day long. I'm interrupted from important tasks to discuss the impossible. His mouth is moving from the moment his eyes open until the moment they close, so I guess the impossible has to work its way in there just to fill in blank spaces. Sometimes I answer these insane inquiries but sometimes I simply don't have the energy or patience. I had no acceptable answer for the tornado question; I guess the person would die but that doesn't seem like good information to pass on (unless he's planning on parachuting into the eye of a tornado wearing a suit of armor...)
The other day on the ride to school I was having a moment of tenderness and getting all sentimental on them.
"You guys know I love you, right? You make my life so happy every day and I feel so lucky to be your mom. My life has been so much better since having you two. You are so important to me, and such good people, I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you both and what you've given me just by being here!"
"Aww, I love you too, mom," said Big Kid. There was a moment of silence (a rarity) and I thought everyone was soaking in all of the love and good vibes. Then little kid said, "Mom?"
"Yes."
"I got to tell you somethin'." (Because everything requires an elaborate set up that needs no less than three replies before we get to the actual point.)
"Okay," I responded, still feeling all warm and fuzzy, kind of hopeful it would be a return declaration of love.
"There's no such thing as Bigfoot. It's either a guy in a monkey costume or just a weird, tall monkey."
"..."
"Little kid!! How on earth is that relevant??" Big Kid asked in disgust. "She's sittin' here tellin' us all about how much she loves us and you're talking about Big Foot. That makes no sense at all. Why are you bringing that up?"
"I just wanted you guys to know that. Since we was talkin' about stuff we wanted other people to know."
I guess he has a point.
But he always has a point.
"Seriously? You are asking me what would happen if someone went skydiving into a tornado wearing a suit of armor?"
"Yes."
How could I know that, people? This is the kind of stuff I have to answer all day long. I'm interrupted from important tasks to discuss the impossible. His mouth is moving from the moment his eyes open until the moment they close, so I guess the impossible has to work its way in there just to fill in blank spaces. Sometimes I answer these insane inquiries but sometimes I simply don't have the energy or patience. I had no acceptable answer for the tornado question; I guess the person would die but that doesn't seem like good information to pass on (unless he's planning on parachuting into the eye of a tornado wearing a suit of armor...)
The other day on the ride to school I was having a moment of tenderness and getting all sentimental on them.
"You guys know I love you, right? You make my life so happy every day and I feel so lucky to be your mom. My life has been so much better since having you two. You are so important to me, and such good people, I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you both and what you've given me just by being here!"
"Aww, I love you too, mom," said Big Kid. There was a moment of silence (a rarity) and I thought everyone was soaking in all of the love and good vibes. Then little kid said, "Mom?"
"Yes."
"I got to tell you somethin'." (Because everything requires an elaborate set up that needs no less than three replies before we get to the actual point.)
"Okay," I responded, still feeling all warm and fuzzy, kind of hopeful it would be a return declaration of love.
"There's no such thing as Bigfoot. It's either a guy in a monkey costume or just a weird, tall monkey."
"..."
"Little kid!! How on earth is that relevant??" Big Kid asked in disgust. "She's sittin' here tellin' us all about how much she loves us and you're talking about Big Foot. That makes no sense at all. Why are you bringing that up?"
"I just wanted you guys to know that. Since we was talkin' about stuff we wanted other people to know."
I guess he has a point.
But he always has a point.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Facts of Life
The kids' dentist is in the same building as the OB/GYN that delivered both boys, so as we were pulling up the other day I remarked that I used to go there all of the time to see the baby doctor.
"The pediatrician?" Big Kid asked.
"No, the doctor that took care of me when I was pregnant with both of you, and who caught both of you when you were born!"
"Caught us?? Why would she catch us?" He asked with genuine confusion in his voice.
"As you were coming out. You know, so you wouldn't hit the floor."
"Wait, what? Did they have you upside down on the table or something? I don't see how the baby could fall, they lift it from the stomach, right? Don't they do it carefully?"
"Oh. You didn't come out that way," I clarified, realizing we had never gone down this particular conversational path.
He gasped. "Mom. Don't tell me. It's not what I think, right? Tell me I didn't come out of your....." he shuddered, "your penis," he hissed at the end.
I laughed. "No." He looked visibly relieved. "From my vagina. Girls don't have penises, remember?"
He winced and looked at me in horror. "Oh. My. God. I can't believe...I can't believe they did that to you."
"Twice!"
"Well, that's it. I'm never havin' a baby. I never want my wife doin' that. How can I ever think of birth ever again now? Oh God."
I laughed some more. "You'll still want babies. It's a natural thing, a miracle really."
"I really can't believe that happened to me."
"Yeah...try being me."
"It's just disgusting. I think I'll go to the bathroom right then when it's bein' born, or something." He shuddered again, obviously viscerally affected by this new information.
Then he got to go get his teeth cleaned. Not a great day for the poor kid.
"The pediatrician?" Big Kid asked.
"No, the doctor that took care of me when I was pregnant with both of you, and who caught both of you when you were born!"
"Caught us?? Why would she catch us?" He asked with genuine confusion in his voice.
"As you were coming out. You know, so you wouldn't hit the floor."
"Wait, what? Did they have you upside down on the table or something? I don't see how the baby could fall, they lift it from the stomach, right? Don't they do it carefully?"
"Oh. You didn't come out that way," I clarified, realizing we had never gone down this particular conversational path.
He gasped. "Mom. Don't tell me. It's not what I think, right? Tell me I didn't come out of your....." he shuddered, "your penis," he hissed at the end.
I laughed. "No." He looked visibly relieved. "From my vagina. Girls don't have penises, remember?"
He winced and looked at me in horror. "Oh. My. God. I can't believe...I can't believe they did that to you."
"Twice!"
"Well, that's it. I'm never havin' a baby. I never want my wife doin' that. How can I ever think of birth ever again now? Oh God."
I laughed some more. "You'll still want babies. It's a natural thing, a miracle really."
"I really can't believe that happened to me."
"Yeah...try being me."
"It's just disgusting. I think I'll go to the bathroom right then when it's bein' born, or something." He shuddered again, obviously viscerally affected by this new information.
Then he got to go get his teeth cleaned. Not a great day for the poor kid.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
An Aggressively Happy Valentine's Day
"THEN RAISE THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KIDS! AND GIVE YOU ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU’D EVER FUCKING
NEED.
AND PAY THE HELL OUT OF THAT FUCKING MORTGAGE.
AND THEN WHEN THE GUTTERS ARE CLOGGED I’LL GET UP THAT FUCKING LADDER
AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU STAND BY THE KITCHEN WINDOW COMICALLY
JUDGING MY WORK.
AND THEN WE CAN VACUUM THE FUCK OUT OF OUR CARPET SO HARD THAT WE’LL
HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE.
WE’LL WASH OUR CLOTHES SO GODDAMN FUCKING HARD. FORGET NO RINSE, WE’LL
USE HIGH FUCKING SPEED.
BUY A FUCKING MINIVAN TO STUFF OUR BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BABIES INTO IT AND
DRIVE THE FUCK OUT OF IT.
THEN WE CAN GO SOME FUCKING PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS AND MEET THE FUCK
OUT OF OUR KID’S TEACHER. THEN JUDGE THE SHIT OF HER IN THE CAR.
AND WE CAN THEN PILE ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE FUCKING MINIVAN AND GO TO
THE STORE AND SHOP FOR GROCERIES SO HARD THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE
MORE THAN TWO TRIPS TO GET ALL THAT SHIT INSIDE THE HOUSE.
AND THEN COOK THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KITCHEN UNTIL WE HAVE NO FOOD LEFT AND
WE FEAST ON THAT SHIT FOR FUCKING DAYS.
I WILL EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR HOMEMADE COOKIES.
THEN WASH THE SHIT OUT ON THE DISHES TOGETHER UNTIL OUR ENTIRE HANDS GET
FUCKING PRUNEY.
WE’LL WATCH OUR KIDS FUCKING GRADUATE AND MOTHER FUCKING TEAR UP LIKE
THE BADASS BOSSES WE FUCKING ARE.
WE WILL GROW SO DAMN OLD TOGETHER, WE WILL LOOK LIKE FUCKING RAISINS.
I WILL FUCKING TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU.
HOLDING EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HANDS SO HARD THAT WE SHIT OUR SELVES.
UNTIL WE DIE AND ROT AS MOTHERFUCKING CORPSES TOGETHER.
TIL DEATH DO US FUCKIN PART.
HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER."
I saw this on Pinterest and realized I'm doing all of this, aka pretty much living the dream. Fuck yeah!
(except for the minivan part, I'm not a nerd.)
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