Friday, September 19, 2014

Scorpion King

"Go to bed, you two, I'm not telling you again!" I heard Mr. Ashley insist. "little kid, were you just trying to show me your butt?"

"No, that was my scorpion."

"Your scorpion??"

"Scorpion pose."

"Oh please. You're not going to show me your butt and then pretend to be a yoga master. Get it into bed."

For the record, this is the closest either child has come to actually doing yoga.

(and scorpion pose would actually be a very difficult way to show your ass, so I haven't taught them very well.)

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Book Traitor

"At the rate I'm reading, I might have to make up with the library," I announced while perusing Amazon.

"Are you mad at the library again?" Mr. Ashley asked.

"I never stopped being mad at the library. They're assholes. I'm sick and tired of them oppressing me."

He started to laugh in a way that I didn't like. "So you think this is a library problem and not a you problem?"

"Of course it's not a me problem! This has been going on for YEARS."

"Yes...that's my point. This has been going on for years. So you think this is all the library's fault?"

"I don't think there's any doubt this is their fault since they are the jerks."

Then he laughed so hard he was semi-hyperventilating, in a way that makes me think he's on the library's side in all of this.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Boyhood: the review that wasn't

I saw the movie Boyhood today. A friend suggested a midweek matinee, which seemed as illicit as a visit to a strip club for some reason. When we figured out that the movie was close to 3 hours long, we panicked for a minute over whether or not this would interfere with bus stop time and decided we had to do it anyway and that my kid could go home on the bus with hers to buy us a few additional minutes.

The movie was filmed over the course of 12 years, using the same actors so you actually watch the boy grow up. You also watch him have a very common, kind of sad (fictional) life with normal struggles like divorced parents and dealing with the aftermath of the careless things adults say and do.

There's no real plot, his life is the plot but there's no climax. Despite this and its length, I wasn't especially eager for it to end, even though I don't think it needed to be quite so long. I liked it but I don't exactly know why. It might have been the mom in me, though. I found myself getting emotional at times that seemed odd -- the boy and his dad discussing Star Wars, someone wishing him a happy 15th birthday, him kissing a girl. I kept thinking back to the first version of him that we had seen, the youngest him. It was hard to watch him go through hard things that happen in life, I felt for him like you do a well-defined character in a book.

I also loved the time capsule-like quality to it. They were great with details because they weren't recreating anything. The music was perfect.

But I also recognize that it might have been boring as hell for others. I even found it kind of boring but in an enjoyable kind of way...the luxury seating and long escape from real life might have helped.

So, have I done a good job demonstrating why I'm not a movie reviewer? I liked this movie but I don't know why I liked this movie. I'm glad I saw this movie in a cushy theater but I wouldn't necessarily recommend that others see this movie in a cushy theater.

I had a great day despite all of this confusion, though. I also fully recognize the irony in me enjoying an escape from parenting by watching some other kid grow up for a few hours.

But anyway, we're going to do this whole matinee thing every month, like a book club for lazy people who like to eat popcorn and candy for lunch and sit in comfy chairs in the dark.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Real Life Mermaid

"There's a mermaid tail on the yard sale site for $80, which I think is an excellent investment," I told Mr. Ashley.

"It is absolutely not. No way," Mr. Ashley replied, because his job as full-time fun killer requires him to reply as such.

"Big Kid, what do you think? What if I had a mermaid tail for a bathing suit?" I knew my chances were better with little kid, but he wasn't around. Big Kid is a fan of quirky, though, so I thought there was a slim chance.

"Big Kid, imagine your mom at the beach dressed like a mermaid," Mr. Ashley interrupted.

He didn't even need a moment to think about it. "That would be the worst possible scenario. Sorry, mom, but no."

"Well, I wouldn't wear it at the beach, that would be ridiculous. For lazy rivers and the pool and grottos and such. Maybe short trips to the beach."

"Yeah, no."

And that's how these people killed my dream of becoming a mermaid. 


Last night at homework time there was some controversy over whether or not some homework could or should be saved until morning. Mr. Ashley said no, so it wasn't.

"I can't believe you were going to wait until morning to do the rest of your homework! Good thing you're doing it tonight, you would have been miserable in the morning." Mr. Ashley pointed out.

"I'm miserable now." Big Kid quickly retorted.

I laughed, really hard, which apparently was not all that helpful.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Worth It

"If you mess with me, you will pay the price," little kid told me, as we joked around in the kitchen.

"Oh, trust me, I have PAID the price--my body, my sanity, my freedom, my ability to use the bathroom alone, my money, my quiet, the last bite of all of my desserts AND my beauty."

"You still have your beauty," Big Kid offered when I finished my list.

"You are beautiful," little kid added. "And incredibly offensive. Seriously offensive, mom."

"Aw, you guys were worth the high price. I'd do it all again."

(Not, like, with another baby because I did learn my lesson there but if a time machine took me back to the past, I would have kids again if I could guarantee that they would be these exact same kids.)

"You're still offensive."

"I'm okay with that."

I really only even heard the beautiful part. They think I'm beautiful!

Man, maybe I should have had more kids.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Musical Chairs

little kid just came out of his room looking completely amazed.

"Do you know what I just realized?" he asked, with a look of total wonder on his face and his hands spread in front of him as if he held the world's secrets within them.

"What?" I asked, genuinely curious to know.

"Everything in the world makes music. Everything! If you just touch it right and listen hard all makes music!"


"Yeah! Marbles and chairs and...just everything! It all makes music! You just have to listen for it."

To live in his world!

May we all be so lucky to hear music in the rolling of marbles and the scraping of chairs.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Word Worms

"Today in school we played a game with a gummy worm named Fred and two paperclips and we had to stretch Fred through..." a long story followed. I can't recall it because I wasn't fully listening anymore but I eventually tuned back in, "We did the best and we saved Fred so we got a prize. The prize was a gummy worm!"

"So, you celebrated rescuing the gummy worm by eating his brethren?" asked Big Kid.

"Did you just use the word brethren?" I thought I had misheard.

"Yes, is that weird? I think using a unique word can just make something sound so much better."

"Yeah, no, I don't disagree, that's why I like writing. I'm just impressed."

"It is a good word."

"Yes, it really is, I agree."

"So anyway! I saved Fred and got to eat a gummy worm..." little kid rightfully continued.

"That's awesome. That sounds like a really fun activity for school." I said.

"But it is weird that you celebrated saving a gummy worm by eating a gummy worm."

And it is weird that my 11-year-old can work the word "brethren" into a casual conversation.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Germ Warfare

Now Big Kid is home sick from school so I think it's safe to say that I will never spend another minute in my house alone ever again for the rest of my life. I will never know the sound of complete silence or the joy of wandering around in various states of undress able to watch anything from Lifetime movies to nearly pornographic HBO series while eating ice cream unashamedly for lunch.

My life as an individual is over forever because none of these people can or will go to their places.


It's like I'm going to have to rent a room somewhere or God forbid, get a job that requires shoes, in order to have a place that I belong again.

Get well soon, Big Kid, I need my office back.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Dear little kid,

Eight years! Eight whole years of looking into your sweet face and marveling that you are mine.

I have learned so much through the honor of being your mother. Your carefree love of life, your open mind, your loving heart, your playful nature, your quick sense of humor -- you are a true joy to behold, and the good fortune of having front row seats for the rest of your life is not lost on me.

You are openly affectionate and incredibly clever. You love people and animals, places and things with genuine warmth. You have an uncanny knack for understanding others and recognizing what they need, and a willingness to try to provide it for them.

At your birthday celebration, you were enchanted with a friend's baby. "Isn't she cute?" I asked, as you again reached down for her tiny hand. "She is God," you replied with a small smile on your face. You find the beauty in every small thing, everywhere.

And you bring beauty to so many of our life moments. You are the silly and the sweet that helps cement our family together. We would not be us without you.

Thank you for eight years of every day adventure, my little prince. You may be small, but you are a mighty and magnificent being and I can't wait to see where you take life.

I like you, I love you and I'll always protect you,