Mouse House Creations

One of my cutest and craftiest friends is having a wreath giveaway on her blog. You should go enter and get you a wreath (except don't really win the wreath because I want to). Then you should look around at how talented and adorable and creative she is--it will make you want to puke. But then you'll remember me telling you that she is seriously one of the sweetest, funniest, coolest people and despite my near insane envy over her house/sewing/decorating/cute daughter (her son is cute too but I have two of those) she's impossible to dislike. Seriously impossible. (Which would be another reason to hate her if such a thing was even possible).

So go say hi to her and good luck winning (but not really).

Wake Up Call

Every single morning, little kid crawls into bed with me and curls his little body around mine. He snuggles himself into me and kisses my cheeks and forehead and brushes my hair away from my face and quietly talks about how he loves me or how I'm such a good mommy (the best he's ever had!) or this painting on the wall in front of our bed that really confuses him.

Lately my cat goes into his room and wakes him up by purring and kneading his tummy with her paws, so she accompanies him as he relocates into my room and she purrs and rubs her face on both of our faces and walks back and forth between us, stopping to curl up on our chests and gently sniff our eyebrows and eyelashes (no idea what her deal is with this, she's done it forever).

Then Big Kid usually joins us for a quick cuddle. This is more likely to happen on school mornings but I will happily take what I can get.

And as I'm literally loved awake every single morning, I can't help but think of how lucky I am and how I never want them to grow up and leave me.

Even if it means never sleeping in again.

Go Read

Kind of anti-climactic since we're well into 2012 and all but it's time for an Ashley's book of the year post!! (Yaaaaaaay, you all cry!)

2011 was a good reading year.

I loved The Hunger Games . I hate young adult anything, I hate anything futuristic/unbelievable, and I hate series but I completely loved these books. I read them in just over a weekend, I couldn't put them down. But they don't win.

I also loved The Night Circus . This was the last book I read in 2011 and you would think it would win because I have book amnesia and forget everything I've read, plus this was a magical, creative, interesting, beautifully-written book. But it didn't win.

The book that wins, and I barely even remember it, was Same Kind of Different As Me . This was a powerful, moving, sweet book. I hate books where I feel they are trying to emotionally manipulate me and I thought this would be that kind of story. I only bought it was because it was on sale. I really enjoyed every page of it though and when I finished it I was so impressed that the author had put together such a wonderful story with such real and lovable characters...and then I read that it was based on a true story. That really blew me away. I was impressed with it as fiction, it's even more lovely knowing it was real.You should read it, it will make you feel good.

And although it's embarrassing to admit, I have to give a shout out to Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook: The Essential Guide to Caring for Everything in Your Home. I rolled my eyes at its ridiculous length and it's Martha-esque advice (have dark colored wash cloths embroidered with the word 'make up' so guests know which cloth to use to remove theirs. Haha, yeah. Or I could just continue not having guests because that works too) but she did have some interesting and helpful advice on organizing and cleaning things and whatever else (I don't know because I forgot all of it). I really need to own this book. I asked if I could renew it at the library and the librarian said, "You're the only person who has ever checked this book out, you could probably keep it and no one would notice" but I know the library WOULD notice because they are mean and evil and on top of their game.

So there we go. We are officially done with 2011 and I'm not all that sad to see it go.

Won't You (Not) Be My Neighbor?

My new neighbor kid is really annoying.

She's 6 and she's really cute to look at...but such a jerk to live next door to.

She knocks like the police. With an insistent persistence that will not go away if you ignore it. At all random times throughout the week. I tell her to go away 9 times out of 10 but she will not be deterred. Once I went outside and told her the boys were riding bikes with their dad.

"Well, when will they be back?"

"I don't know, probably soon. Keep an eye out. From your own yard."

"Well, can you call them?"

"Um, no."

"Can I call them?"

"I don't think he has his phone."

"Imma just gonna yell."

"Okay, do it from your yard."

I went back in and heard her screaming little kid's name for the next 10 minutes. When the boys pulled back into the driveway, she marched over with her arms crossed and confronted them. "Where have you been?!?!" she asked angrily.

"Riding bikes."

"Well, I was calling you!! Didn't you hear me calling you? Geesh. I could've gone too."

Also, someone "accidentally" gets hurt whenever they're playing. And by someone I mean my kids and by accidentally I mean a tennis racket to the face or whatnot.

She also likes to come over and leave a bunch of junk in my yard (she will never play in her own damn yard). She was stringing up pink construction tape across my banyan trees on Christmas eve when I went out and told her to knock it off.

"We're having company tonight, so I don't want that there."

"No, it looks good. I'm decorating for you." She replied.

"I don't want it there and I don't think it looks good."

"It does look good."

"Okay, but I don't want it there."

"Oooookay," like I'm the asshole, "Well, you can easily take it down. Just pull it all down when you're done with it."

"No, you can easily take it down." Stare-off. She did but she was pissed.

The other day they were collecting sticks, boxes and other debris to build a fort in the side yard when Mr. Ashley went out there to ruin their fun.

"I don't want all of this in my yard, you guys need to clean it up."

"We are building a fort!!" She explained, like he was a total dumbass.

"Yeah, well I don't want to clean up your fort, so take it in your own yard."

"Oh...so YOU'RE the one that ruined the last fort! Mmmhmmm."

Sometimes she'll bring over half a cookie to share with little kid, in her grimy little hands usually with dog hair attached. I let him eat it and then tell her to go home. I never let her inside.

Still better than the last neighbors because her mom isn't annoying (other than letting her kid harass us and I'd probably let her roam the streets too if I had a kid like that.) We have a mutual agreement to smile and avoid long conversations and it works out well for both of us. I don't even know her name, and that's fine.

I was feeling a little hurt because the across-the-street neighbor goes to great dramatic lengths never to face in a direction where our eyes may meet. I've lived here since September and never gotten so much as eye contact or a head nod from her. Sometimes when I see her trying to crab walk to her mailbox to avoid eye contact with me, I want to shout, "DON'T HURT YOUR NECK ON ACCOUNT OF ME, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND EITHER!!!"

But at least her kids aren't pounding at my door at 9 am on a Sunday morning, I guess.

Overheard from the Shower:

"Here's the soap, bro."

"little kid, I don't think we can use this. This soap says it's for men."

Box Man

little kid started a cardboard box collection over the holidays. He inventoried and organized and stacked and assigned purposes for each box and there were boxes all over the house for a while. Finally I pointed out that some of the boxes were going to have to go.

"These are, like, perfectly good boxes."

"I'm not saying they're not, we just don't have room for them or a reason to keep them."

"Uh....we could store things in them. Duh," he answered, frustrated over my inability to see the advantages in having 15 assembled cardboard boxes on hand at all times. "Just put things inside the boxes!"

"That's a good idea. I'll have your dad take them to storage for you."

"See? It is a good idea. The boxes will store stuff in storage."

"Perfect," I said, looking forward to putting the boxes in "storage".

"When I'm growed up, I'm keepin' all my boxes with me all the times."

"Where will you put all of those boxes, though, if you keep every single box forever?"

"In my room."

Picturing myself on a future episode of Hoarders with him and a house full of boxes, I pointed out that his future wife might not want a bedroom full of boxes. "Your pretty wife might want a pretty bedroom," I pointed out.

He considered this for a moment, obviously still perplexed that his love of cardboard boxes isn't universal. "So...she won't like the boxes?"

"Maybe not. Probably not."

"Well....we'll work it out." He said with complete confidence.

Yeah. I'm sure she'll put the boxes in "storage" too. Which will work out fine.

The Lie

I caught Big Kid lying today.

In the past, his lying was always accompanied by a completely ridiculous face which was a dead giveaway. As he's matured to the wise old age of 8, the "lying face" has been toned down but the look of complete gut-wrenching guilt is still prevalent. It works out well for me, although he rarely lies and he almost never gets in trouble.

But once a month we have a mother/son "book club" meeting where we grab a drink and sit somewhere and discuss what we've recently read. Today was our most recent, and I recalled seeing a book I thought he was talking about and asked if it belonged to the library. He was evasive but seemed visibly relieved when I mentioned seeing it in the book basket at home.

And then when we got home I saw an email from his teacher saying that it was a classroom book that he borrowed and that had been missing since right before winter break, and that he had tried to pay for the book with his own money that day. When she realized he most likely hadn't told us about using his money to pay for the book, she decided to email and ask me to help him look for it.

I confronted him and asked what had happened and he instantly confessed that he thought he lost the book and took his wallet to school and left $10 on the teacher's desk to cover the cost of the book.

I pointed out that he should have told us, and could tell us anything, and he said he felt guilty about losing the book and it was his problem so he was going to take care of it. I also pointed out that he is relatively rich (Big Kid is a saver. To an almost ridiculous degree) and had he lost his wallet, we would have bigger problems than a lost book.

Despite the omission of truth...goodness, am I proud of that little liar.

May our problems always be as big as trying to use his own money to pay for a book he's lost.

First Aid

"little kid, I said to bring me a damp napkin!"

"Mom, I brought you a damn napkin! Here is your damn napkin!"

Christmas Catch Up

I know we're all over Christmas already but I just can't skip it in the Story of My Life, sorry. So here's the condensed version of the wrap-up.

What Harold did (in no particular order because I'm extra lazy after all of this "winter break"ing with the kids):

He wrote on mirrors.(Not a fan since I hate cleaning mirrors.)

He showered.

He painted their noses red a la Rudolph. They were not amused and Big Kid wouldn't allow a photo because he was afraid I would put it on my blog. When little kid heard that he volunteered for a photo as long as I promised to put it on the blog.

Took a ride on the ceiling fan. 

Decorated with some lights.(It looked pretty dumb, he has no sense of decor.)

He replenished the advent calendar since I ate all of the advent calendar chocolate (no lie). 

 He enjoyed a burger and fries in the Christmas village. 

 He set up the Christmas train around the tree on the morning of Christmas Eve. (little kid gasped with wonder and joy when he saw this.) 

 He put on his Christmas sweater and joined us for Christmas eve. 

All in all, it was a very nice visit and we will mark that he was mostly good on our elf survey satisfaction form (honestly, this time). I think I heard the elves will only be coming for 2 weeks next year due to a shortage of workers at Santa's Village, and that's really too bad because we enjoy having him.

The note Harold left said: You boys are fun, I like it here, I wish I lived with you instead of reindeer. As you know, I'm not naughty. I'm nothing but nice, so I must get back to work, and the snow, and the ice. Thanks for the marshmallows, the memories, and oh-so-much joy. And also, please, do enjoy this new toy. (Mom and dad, don't be mad, I promise it isn't really that bad.)

He brought them laser tag--I usually don't do gun-type toys but since a magical Christmas elf brought them, I'm going to allow it this one time.

And here are people getting their favorite gifts:

 A Kindle Fire for lucky Big Kid.

And Cruncher the dinosaur for little kid. 

Oh, also, here is a photo of the Ugly Seagull's holiday entry. I did that all by myself, including getting out a tall ladder and climbing to the top, and carefully measuring strings and hanging those hanging ornaments. This is a big deal. I'll be sad to take them down (that's why I'll make Mr. Ashley do it).

Phew, am I glad we got that over with!! I've never been so on the ball for Christmas before; presents were wrapped ahead of time, house was spotless (for less than 24 hours) and holiday cheer was spread all around....but I needed a good week to week and a half long break after all of that non-procrastination. 

Now, I just have to name my favorite book of 2011 and we'll officially be done with last year! (But I'll do that later).

Snack Attack

I was going to do the official Christmas wrap-up so that we could move past it already (even though Christmas was great!) but once again blogger is being crappy about sharing photos, so you get a little kid story instead.

The other day he asked me, "Am I fat, or skinny, or just a little bit chubby?"

"You're perfectly healthy," I answered,"You just need to keep being active and eating healthy foods and you'll stay this way."

"Well...actually...I'm wantin' to be a little chubby so I'm thinkin' I  need more junk food."

Nice try, little kid.

He also has an excellent manipulation tactic where he'll ask for something outlandish like, "Can I have 6 cookies?" and I usually reply with "NO!!! Absolutely not! You may have ONE cookie!!" at a time where I would normally just say no to cookies. Something about throwing a number out there makes me respond with one. He's a natural born negotiator.

God help us all if he goes into law school or politics.

Santa

"What are you going to ask Santa for?" I asked as we waited in line to see Santa.

"A dinosaur, a book, Legos and a bike!" little kid said.

"A bike? You don't need a bike."

"I wanna bike."

"But little kid, you have 2 bikes. Santa doesn't have room in his sleigh to bring people who hardly ride their bikes a 3rd bike."

"Look, don't you worry 'bout it. I'm gonna get me a bike. It's between me and Santa and I'll get me a bike. You'll see," he said with determination.

Yeah. We'll see alright.

Big Kid can't give Santa any suggestions, saying he has everything he needs and he just wants Santa to surprise him, because Santa should know better than anyone what he likes.

Yeah. He should. But it doesn't mean he wouldn't appreciate some suggestions.

Psycho Scott

Remember how I said Kourtney Kardashian's manchild reminded me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho?

Bret Easton Ellis (the author) thinks so too! and wants him to play him in the movie remake. I hate to see that tool get a job but I love being right.

Great minds think alike!

(Or Scott just really does resemble a murderous, social ladder-climbing sociopath that much).

Naughty or Nice

Harold Hubert Piggybottom has been busy around our house! Big Kid thinks he's not as much fun as he was last year but I pointed out that Harold is older, more mature, and may be running out of ideas. Maybe he doesn't want to be a messy troublemaker anymore, hmmmm? Maybe he's tired?

I'm tired, I could see how he would be worn out.

Anyway, here are some of Harold's antics:

Harold made himself a Lego bed and covered himself with a piece of felt little kid drew on earlier in the day and brought some popcorn and Christmas DVDs. Nice! (if you look all the way to the right, you'll see where little kid wrote his name on my coffee table. He insists he didn't. Someone also wrote "dad" at the same time, so Mr. Ashley is also a suspect.)

Harold brought wind-up pooping animal toys into our manger scene. On this same night, he drew on the kids' photos. I was really upset until I realized he used dry erase markers and I do think poop jokes (especially around the baby Jesus) are inappropriate, but I eventually decided the photo graffiti was funny. The kids were upset and offended over their mustaches and demanded I erase them. There was even talk of requesting a new elf next year because that was just so wrong. Naughty.

Harold bowled with friends. The kids were amused by the tiny bowling set. Nice!

Harold zip-lined through the house. Kind of annoying because I was almost decapitated by his zip-line more than once, and I'll need a ladder to get the tack out of the window sill. But mostly nice.

Harold sang Christmas carols with our tree angel. Nice!

Harold brought hot chocolate and made marshmallow snowmen. Everyone liked this! Nice!

Harold brought little bitty donuts!! How amazing and adorable of him! little kid insisted on eating one even though I pointed out that maybe elves have germs or maybe the donuts are stale, but he said they tasted like donuts. Nice!

 

Harold went on a sleigh ride. He's also wearing a crown, not sure what's up with that. Nice.

And then, after a big search for Harold, we found him in the freezer with another little elf!: 

We were super confused about the new elf and I was irritated they used all of the ice cubes because I don't have an ice maker. It's like living in a third world country. They also threw little marshmallows around and all of my ice tasted sweet. I say naughty, but the kids voted nice.

They seemed to be friends because they had a campfire the next night:

 

They even roasted marshmallows. (Elves seem to love marshmallows.) Nice! 

 We still didn't know who the little elf was, but the little punk helped toilet paper our tree the next night: 

 

Naughty! And a waste of toilet paper, which is a precious commodity around here.  It looks like Harold is throwing up gang signs at us. What's his problem?

The next night they were on my computer. I don't really like people (or elves) on my computer. They had googled some pictures of santa's village, reindeer, and elves. They also left a video for Big Kid, which was a huge relief because Big Kid had himself absolutely convinced that he was on the bad list (which is clearly completely irrational because I can't even think of the last time he was in trouble). There was a video from Santa and they ran his name through the nice/naughty machine and he came out nice. I cannot even begin to describe the visible joy and relief on Big Kid's face. Poor guy. Nice. 

And now we're back down to one elf. Em was over the other night and saw our elves and although she had her game face on and didn't cry or pout or show any visible signs of distress, I could tell she was a little sad not to have an elf of her own. I mentioned this to the boys the next day and said her family hadn't managed to get signed up for the elf program and that I planned to help them next year but felt a little guilty that we had 2 elves and she didn't have one. Before I could even finish, they both simultaneously said, "Let's give her one of ours!" without as much as a second thought. So we dropped our new mystery elf on her doorstep and they never wavered in their decision. I was proud of them for it and it left me feeling Christmas-y.  

She ended up getting a letter from the North Pole explaining that there had been a mix-up because she was staying at our house during the time of the elf placement census and her elf's name is Jakob Jingle Giggleglitter. She had suggested we name the little mystery elf Jake, so it's even more magical that it ended up being his actual name! Christmas magic! Nice!

Reginald the Hedginald

I know I owe you all Harold Hubert updates and pics but I just don't have it in me tonight. Maybe tomorrow?

As a consolation prize, I give you Reggie the Hedgie, straight from his bath:

And tomorrow you'll get 90,000 Harold pics. Or 15, minus how many days you've already seen.

Better Not Pout

"Kyle's mom said Santa wasn't real," little kid said about one of his kindergarten classmates.

"Hmmm. Weird."

"Why would she say that?"

"I don't know. Maybe they don't celebrate Christmas."

"They do."

"Well, then maybe she didn't sign up to have Santa come...or maybe she was a bad girl when she was little and didn't get any gifts and is still mad about it."

"Maybe so."

Thanks, Kyle's mom, and you're welcome.

Reading Between the Lines

Big Kid caught a glimpse of the new blog header over my shoulder and asked to see it. After he admired the look and checked again to make sure I was kidding about my empathy for baby-eating hamsters, he asked if he could read a few posts. I let him read the last few G rated entries, mostly things his brother has said.

"Mom, this is hilarious!" he said, with genuine laughter. "Oh my god, so funny. Hey, mom? Will you teach me to be funny? Like, to write funny blogs?"

Beaming with joy, I tried to enlighten him, "Of course I will! You are very funny! You just have to write casually, like the way you speak and you have to look for the funny angle in every situation. Just start getting your thoughts down on paper--"

"No, I mean the spacing."

"The spacing?"

"I think the spacing is what makes you funny. Like, the paragraph breaks? Can you teach me that?"

"The...spacing? Makes me funny?"

"Yes, you have to teach me how to do that. Please!"

 The spacing makes me funny. The empty space between my words is what is so amusing. My talent is in the blank spots.

Seriously?  ಠ_ಠ

Sun and Moon

I was going to update you all on Harold's antics but Blogger doesn't feel like uploading pictures, so I guess we won't! Maybe it will be in a better mood tomorrow.

Yesterday little kid announced, "The sun is not a planet, it's a star! A real bright one!"

"Right! It's actually a ball of gas. Did you know even if the sun wasn't hot, astronauts still couldn't walk on it because it's not a solid, it is a gas. It's also not that the sun is so bright, it's that it is so big. That makes it appear brighter," Big Kid said.

"Yep. And then the sun that's a star goes down and the moon goes up and it's night!"

"Actually the sun doesn't go down. The sun doesn't go anywhere, the earth travels around the sun. So, the sun stays in one spot and the earth spins around and around and that's why when we are waking up, children on the other side of the world are going to bed--because they are facing away from the sun," he continued.

"Wait--are you tellin' me the sun doesn't go down? For real?"

"No. It just appears that way. It's really the earth's rotation that makes us go from day to night. So right now it's night time for us, but that's because our side of the world is facing away from the sun. As we turn back around it will become day."

"That's....that is....wow. That's amazing. Do other people know this? Because it's blowin' my brains thinkin' of it."

Mine too. It's incredible to realize all of the awe-inspiring things that happen every single day that are beyond my scope of appreciation.

Harold Hubert Piggybottom Returns

Look who we found tangled up in the carport yesterday morning!

 Harold Hubert Piggybottom, the same naughty Christmas elf we got last year. I was hoping we'd get the nice type who baked cookies and cleaned the house, but no such luck.

He came with the following letter:

(This was the letterhead, I'm scanning it in for you):

Season’s greetings!  Thank you for your participation in the Elf Live-in Foster Service (E.L.F.S). You have been assigned Harold Hubert Piggybottom for your second consecutive year.  Since you reported good behavior from Harold, it was determined that your family was a positive fit for him and we appreciate you welcoming him into your home.  You are obviously a good influence because Harold exhibits some minor behavioral problems while at home in the North Pole; he has recently been moved from the toy workshop to the reindeer stables after a near disastrous incident with the bouncy ball making machine.  Luckily, he is better with animals than he was with tools.  (Note: You may want to secure all power tools and heavy machinery for the duration of his visit.) Anyway, we were delighted to hear of his good behavior during your visit last year.

But despite his mischief,  as you know, Harold is a good elf with a good heart and he does love Christmas. Please remember not to touch Harold or he may lose his magic, and don’t forget that he will not perform magic when being watched.  Santa will collect him on Christmas Eve and will leave your E.L.F.S. experience survey at that time -- your honest input is important so we can continue to make appropriate elf placement and evaluate each elf’s participation in the program.

Happy holidays and enjoy your elf visit.



Joyfully Yours,


          Bristol Pinelin Treebright
         Chief Elf Officer of E.L.F.S.

(The kids lied about his behavior on the survey last year, because it wasn't that great.)

Last night he painted a Christmas tree (we think because ours isn't up yet) AND he got the glitter out. NO ONE touches the glitter. No one. Not even me.

And yes, that is a tree frog in a paper towel paint smock there in the corner. I don't understand it either.

I think it's important to be honest on the satisfaction survey so we can hopefully get a sweet housekeeping elf next year, but the kids love this little troublemaker and I might be stuck with him forever.

Work Out

"I've got to go to the gym tonight," Mr. Ashley said.

"Don't go!" said little kid.

"I have to go to be healthy. If I don't go, I'll get a fat belly."

"I want you's to have a fat belly."

"You want me to have a fat belly? Why do you want me to have a fat belly?" Mr. Ashley asked with a smile.

"Because then I'll move in on my mudder. I'll sleep in the big bed and you's sleep in the little bed and I'll be the hubsand."

"You're a total creeper. I'm going to the gym."


(And he clearly thinks I'm shallow!)

Thankful List

Things little kid is thankful for:
Mom
Dad
His teacher
Our dogs
Corn

Big Kid was pretty upset not to be included. "I ranned out of room. You was gonna be under corn," little kid explained.

(That didn't help much.)