Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Candy Eating Day

I'm skipping a shower to bring you all a Halloween Post. THAT is dedication, my friends. Here are some links:

Headless Horseman dog costume Sheer fucking genius
Looks good enough to eat My type of child abuse
Halloween in the time of Cholera Trick or treat and die
Halloween around the world Because there's more than just us out there! I know, it's shocking!

I have more but not enough time. I really should at least brush my hair.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


If you apply bronzer with a blush brush your cat has been licking, your face will burn for hours.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I've decided to get a Twitter account.

I know, I know, I've always been against the idea in the past and I'm not even sure I'm entirely for it now, but "micro-blogging" by sending out 140 word or less messages here and there sounds like a good way to keep in touch with you all when I'm busy.

It won't replace blog entries, just give you more of me when I don't have time to sit down and write a real one. It also may challenge me to improve upon my Blackberrying skills...because my text messaging ability is still pretty laughable.

Here is the link: From what I understand, you can also have it sent to your cell phone but I understand very little at this point. You might need my email address to begin following me (you will need a Twitter account, it takes 2 secs), if so it's ashleyscloset at yahoo dot com but written out like a normal email address.

You're going to have to deal with the neglect this week, at least I'll be able to tweet at you. Life's going to start getting normal again next week, I swear it. It must.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Welcome Home

My damn plane was delayed by an hour last night and I didn't get home until 2am. Then Mr. Ashley had locked me out, so I had to wake him up to get in and we were both up and talked about my trip until 3am-ish.

7:30am came QUICK. In no time Big Kid was climbing into my bed telling me he missed me. "I missed you ebery single day and it's 7:37...I don't wanna miss da mornin' news at school." I felt like I was in a walking coma while getting him ready.

little kid was thrilled to see me and I knew he would just freak if I tried to drop him off at daycare, so I called in sick for "library mom" (which wasn't a stretch at all, I am still sick) and decided to drop him at my mom's while I went to my business lunch meeting.

Unexpectedly, it was cold today. Everything warm that I owned had been worn all soggy weekend and was a crumpled mess in my suitcase. I chose the first thing even reasonably suitable, but I was far from loving it.

I was running late and in a panic to get out the door, but I let Murphy out real quick to go to the bathroom before I left. I called him back, nothing. That's when I remembered that Mr. Ashley had told me Murph had acquired a new habit of running into the woods and hiding there silently so he could run off with Tangerine our cat, and that Mr. Ashley was pissed about having to walk through the woods to go find him several times throughout the weekend.

I called again, offering a treat. I called louder, threatening his life. I thought I heard something, so I headed in that direction, my hair snagging on branches and my clothes getting burrs and bristles all over them, tromping through the woods in my wedges and trousers and shivering in my short sleeve, burr covered shirt. I turned and saw Murph wiggling out towards me, happy to see me but knowing he was in trouble and I yoked him up and spanked his skinny, wiggly butt and threw him in the house, threw the car into gear, threw little kid out at my mom's, and raced across town to the restaurant.

I picked most of the burrs off and swung by Gap first (restaurant was in a shopping plaza and I made great time) and bought a jacket on clearance so I looked halfway appropriate, but later in the day I found a clump of burrs in my hair. This is particularly bad because it was probably the prettiest lunch date ever. The three others are 8s and above on a scale of 10 and I'm not even that without burrs in my hair.

Oh well, it was a productive meeting.

Then I raced across town to pick up Big Kid, but since I told his teacher I was too sick to be library mom, I questioned showing up dressed in business luncheon attire so I stopped at the house, ran in and grabbed my jeans out of the hamper and switched the wedges for flip flops and pulled my crazy hair into a crazy ponytail and was only slightly late picking Big Kid up and did look and sound appropriately unwell.

I went back to my mom's to get little kid and decided to be nice and swing by the hardware store to get the rest of the stuff to make Big Kid's Plex the robot costume and both kids acted like total jerks while we were there.

Big Kid got about 100x mouthier than since I've last seen him and little kid was just testing, testing, testing. At the hardware store I picked up one of those doggie yard stakes because Murphy Louis lost ALL RIGHTS to freedom this morning and by the time we got home, I was seriously considering chaining the kids to it too.

They could use the fresh air and exercise and I could use the nap.

Stay tuned for pictures and my experiences and opinions in Woodstock, NY and pictures and the fun I had at cousin Jules' wedding. Good times, good times.

Back in the Saddle

Today I went to a business meeting with burrs in my hair.

Stay tuned for details.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sick and Sick and Tired

I am so sick and so tired and getting ready to fly home for a super tiring and probably sickening week.

I do have pics and updates for you all, but I think we'll all agree that my health and sanity is more important.

Well, most of us would agree.

Some of us would agree.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


I did not pay retail for that dress. I would never.

I got it from Loehmann's for $70, so for those of you that want one, look there first.

Klassy Ashley

As Big Kid would say...I did not make "responsible toices" last night.

But I sure had fun not making them.

I can't wait for you all to meet my cousin Julie on the Closet cruise (that IS happening one day!)--she is so much fun. She has always been so much fun, she is just naturally a super funny, friendly, relaxed person. She also has SO MANY FRIENDS. People she knew from high school flew from all over the country to be here for her and swore they wouldn't miss it for the world. Super fun friends. Her fiance is perfect for her and I'm so happy she met him. The whole night was a blast.

She did manage to tell the entire room over the course of the evening about the Closet and confessed to me that she already told my aunt. Oh well, what can you do? It did make for a fun night. It wasn't too weird meeting readers and they were all pretty drunk themselves, so maybe they won't remember what a Klass act I was last night. And if they do remember, at least they won't be surprised.

I have pics to post for you all and thoughts on Bed and Breakfasts, however I cannot do that at this time because the Bed and Breakfast nazi will not allow food and drinks in the room so even though I can hear the rest of the house eating their breakfast two feet from my fucking door, I am not prepared to drag myself out there and not able to drag coffee in here and I'm just barely functioning at all without it. So, you may have to wait.

Today's Julie's big day. The weather's not really cooperating but with such awesome friends and family and such a gorgeous location, it'll be amazing no matter what. Stay tuned for details.

(and people who have met me in real life, let's remember the rules: what happens at the wedding stays at the wedding--unless I blog about it. This disclaimer is good for the entire weekend and any festivities therein. k?thxbai)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ashley on Ice

I've been running around like a crazy person and I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick. I'm drinking Airborne like it's going out of style, but I fear between airplanes and cold weather, it's going to be one heck of a battle.

Tomorrow night I'll be in NY. My cousin's big day is Saturday. It's at a gorgeous location in a neat town. I'd give more details but some of you are psychotic, so it'll have to wait until the affair is over.

I'm super excited about it though. This is my favorite and funnest cousin (I do think funnest is a word, thanks) and it's not one of those weddings where family is placing bets on how long it will last. It will truly be a celebrated occasion and will definitely be fun.

All that being's going to be freaking cold. You all know how I feel about the cold. Not good.

I've been thinking about it and researching and asking people and I can't figure out for the life of me how people manage to look cute in the cold. Do they just suffer? Or is there a secret to being warm PLUS being cute? I don't know, I can't figure it out.

I'll be wearing this (but in copper):

ha ha ha, so yeah, I'll be cold. I'll probably be wearing it, a trench coat, leggings, jeans, mittens, two scarves and knee socks by the time it's all said and done. I'm not sure what jewelry I'm wearing yet, because I'm accessory retarded, so I just bought a bunch of stuff from Target and will return what I don't use. Sort of like how celebs borrow jewelry for Oscar night? Same sort of thing. I also need to research how to wear a pashmina the fancy, sophisticated way. It doesn't look difficult but I'll bet I screw it up, being accessorily challenged like I am.

You know what is weird? My cousin told all kinds of people about the Closet and some of those people will be at the wedding. Now they'll notice me by my dress and how cold I am and how poorly I accessorize. How awkward is that?

Let's go over some ground rules for meeting Ashley in person at this wedding, just in case you're one of those people, since we have not encountered that in a Closet related capacity yet ('cept for Mitch, but she doesn't count because I felt like I knew her):

1. Do not, DO NOT, tell my aunt about the Closet. My aunt is a classy lady (with a c, not even a k, no emphasis on ass). She's actually a lot of fun and very cool, but I just think it's best not to go there. As a matter of fact, don't tell anyone about the Closet and don't speak about it amongst yourselves or to me. I actually don't want my other uncle of his wife knowing either, so let's just skip it altogether. If you feel compelled to mention it, maybe we need a code like "is it cold enough for you?" or an ear tug or something. I don't know, we'll brainstorm on it.

2. Don't be observing me for signs of coldness or accessory retardation. I know, it's going to be tempting now that I've put it out there, that's why the whole thing is a little weird. If it appears as if I'm wearing a pashmina completely incorrectly, just assume that's my own special flare. Just try not to stare, I *will* be on the lookout for staring.

3. If there is any drunken dancing or other shenanigans going on--we keep them amongst ourselves. What happens at the wedding stays at the wedding (unless I choose to blog about it. Sorry, I get to make the rules).

4. Don't expect this super loud mouthed, opinionated, vivacious, open and honest person. It could happen (especially after a few drinks), it's not that far of a stretch, but if someone starts talking about how they just adore Sarah Palin, don't be surprised at my ability to behave myself. I'm actually quite normal, or able to appear that way.

That's all I can think of for now, I am pretty tired. The main two points are what happens in the Closet stays in the Closet and what happens at the Wedding stays at the Wedding. mmmmmmmmkay?

I'll be working and traveling tomorrow, so you all may or may not hear from me. Catfish's comment about if you guys were my chickens I would've posted already today (sellout) wins funniest comment of the day award, prize is being my bestfriend for life. Wish me warmness and good health, I'll talk to you soon.

Monday, October 20, 2008

This is what Pneumonia looks like

He doesn't look sick, does he? He's not really acting all that sick either--still into everything, still happy. He's also given up the paci this week, Mr. Ashley just stopped giving it to him and he hasn't even asked.

He's in bed crying right now and I kind of want to sneak in and give him one, but I don't want to undo Mr. Ashley's hard work. I mainly just want to undo the crying.

edited to add: that's pneumonia with wet hair, fresh from the bath.

edited again to add: little kid is in bed with us now. Mr. Ashley caved and went and got him, forgetting that you don't get a sweet, sleepy, snuggly little kid when you bring him into our bed because our room totally sets off his naughty radar since it is normally a forbidden area. So he's crawling around the bed, studying the contents of the bedside tables, coughing in our faces, and watching Prison Break like his future depends on it.

Why can't they add something that would cause drowsiness to kids' antibiotic prescriptions?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Chicken Love

I love those chickens. They are just so funny. Right now they're living in a cage on my screen lanai and I love sitting out there and watching them. I'm going to be totally bummed when they grow up and move out.

They are total characters and they're going to be plump little butterballs (they will NEVER be eaten) because I love giving them treats. They love bread and spinach and oatmeal and I love to watch them eat it.

Today I took them out in the yard so they could run around and eat bugs and all three just wanted to sit in my lap the whole time, perfectly content to take turns letting me pet them. So cute! I never thought I could love chickens this much.

I know, the whole thing is boring without pictures or video, I'll get to that soon. I did a pirate playdate for the website I work on the day after I got back from Texas and I am just plain worn out. "Suffering from exhaustion" I prefer to say, because sometimes actresses get hospitalized for that and it sounds so much more interesting than just "really, really tired". So I'll get to it, be patient.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Friday, October 17, 2008

Remind Me

Why did I miss him again?

As he sits here sucking on my leg as I try to work, and wandering around the house making a huge mess, it's hard to remember missing him.

He does love the boots.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I miss my chooch.

I know, I know, I have two kids. I miss them both, but I miss little kid a lot. Mostly because I know he misses me a lot. Whenever I'm gone he spends his time asking "Where's mumum?" to everyone who might answer. Then when they tell him I'm at work, he screws up his little face into a scowl and says "Ohhhhhh" in a frustrated little voice.

It's amazing how I can feel like he's sucking the very life out of me with his constant need for physical affection, and then I miss it so much that it physically affects me.

Big Kid is pretty unconcerned about my absence. I just called home and spoke to both of them and I could tell Big Kid was distracted and ready to get off the phone, but little kid was happy to hear my voice and exclaimed "YEAH!" to everything I asked.

I bought him real cowboy boots from Texas and can't wait to show him. I know I'm setting myself up for embarrassing outings in a ridiculous get-up, most likely including every day wear combined with a cowboy hat and boots, but he's so freaking cute.

I miss all of my boys and will be happy to get back home. It's warm there.

Dear Dallas Airport,

I'm on to your little scam.

You keep it below zero fucking degrees in this hell hole so that we'll be forced to flee to one of the many (many many many) Starbucks around every corner to buy a $5 drink that will hopefully warm us up.

I bought one, too. Now knock it off, I'm tired of huddling around the big lit advertisement signs for warmth.

Knot Head

What is that growth on McCain's face? Do we know? Are we at all concerned that the whole left side of his face bulges unnaturally?

I wouldn't be quite as worried if I didn't think his VP pick was Satan in a dress, but I need to know what's going on there.

Central Stupidity

God damn fucking central time.

I was so pissed when I woke up and checked my cell phone and noticed the front desk hadn't called to wake me up.

Then I was confused when they did call about 30 minutes later...and I remembered that I was in a different time zone.

I could have slept for another HOUR. AN HOUR.

Don't get me wrong, a bath, a shower and a comfy bed all by myself was great, but another hour would've been even better.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Where's the cake?

Today is Mr. Ashley's birthday...and I'm out of town.

I told Big Kid that I would be away for daddy's birthday so he was in charge and he said, "Okay, dest leave me da instwuctions."

"What instructions?"

(annoyed) "Da instwuctions for da cake. I'm gonna need a list of what stuff I need and what to know, instwuctions."

He was disappointed to hear he wasn't going to have to whip up a birthday cake from scratch or anything.

I'm hungry and cold and tired and too hungry, cold and tired to go get a snack. There's also an indoor pool and hot tub and I'm too cold to go down there. It's 60 some degrees here--I thought TX would be the same as FL.


Also, Abilene is Middle of Fucking Nowhere, America. Lordy. I think we had to wait to land the plane until cows got off the runway. The parking lot at the airport was unpaved--that was cute in my super high Candies.

I'm off to scout out a vending machine. I think my work trousers and a 15 year old, almost worn through FSU shirt with no bra and a blazer is perfectly appropriate attire for such an outing.

Wish me luck.

Where is Ashley

I am in the Miami airport right now! I don't really have anything very interesting to report, I'm just really bored. I did fly over on one of those little two propeller sort of planes, that was an adventure. Next I'm off to Dallas and then onto Ab-uh-leen.

I am wearing great shoes (not comfort-wise, but looks-wise), but that's the only excitement I have to report.


Monday, October 13, 2008


don't leave comments on shit that happened 6+ months ago, especially if it's to bitch. No, I don't hate The Jews, yes I do hate Photowow--does it really affect you so? How far back did you have to read before you became affected?

Come on, there is recent shit to be upset about. Let's focus on the here and now and stop wasting my time with crap that I barely remember. It's even more pathetic for you to comment on it than it was for me to write it in the first place.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tattle Tale

I had my very first teacher's conference with Big Kid's teacher the other day.

Her and I sat and talked as little kid ran around the room like a shrieking banshee. She basically told me what I already know, that he's amazing and brilliant. She didn't use those words and tried to downplay the whole "genius" thing, but whatever, we all know.

We attempted a serious meeting while little kid erased her white boards, ran around the room with white board markers and attempted to leave the room several times. It was hard to maintain concentration with me having to get up and snatch him up every three minutes, but we tried, sitting there in our little chairs.

Finally, she wraps things up and asks if I have any questions. "How's he doing social--"

Teacher: He's a total tattletale (rushed out, obviously relieved that I asked)

Ashley: (laughing too hard to talk) This is no surprise.

Teacher: I try to get them to talk it out, use their words, get it taken care of, but he wants to tell me no matter what. He also wants to tell me about things that he's not even involved in.

Ashley: (still laughing)....yes, this is not a surprise. Ahhh. We will work with him on this, although God knows we've tried. We deal with it at home too. I'm sorry.

Teacher: No, he's really good, he's just---

Ashley: A total control freak. He is Mr. Morals & Safety Patrol and it's his way or the highway. Trust me, we know. He can't be friends with half the class because they get warnings and he doesn't like Juan because he chews with his mouth open. We've been working on minding our own business, but we obviously need to keep working at it.

(at this point I have to tackle little kid to the ground to retrieve a marker)

Teacher: Oh don't worry about it. He's fine, really. (meaning little kid)

Ashley: No really, he's not. He smuggled markers into time out this morning in his pockets and wrote all over himself and his crib. He's on marker restriction. Anyway, I'll work with Big Kid about the tattling.

Later Big Kid and I get in the car and I say, "So Miss D told me that sometimes you're a tattletale."

Big Kid: Yep

Ashley: Yep, you are a tattle tale?

Big Kid: Yes, all da time. I dest tell her when da kids make bad choices.

Ashley: That's none of your business.

Big Kid: Den whose business is it? Someone needs to know dey are makin' bad choices. So I dest tell her.

Ashley: Well, do me a favor and stop telling her. Just worry about Big Kid.

Big Kid: Big Kid dest worries about people's bad choices, okay?

Weekend Update

I know I owe you Chicka pics but I haven't felt good all day. Waaaah, I know.

Yesterday I had a long, but mostly fun day at a Halloween festival. I say mostly because someone stole one of my two cute little pumpkins and because I was once again shocked to witness the bad behavior of adults first hand.

People, if someone tells your child they can choose 1 prize, don't tell them they can take whatever they want and/or encourage them to take more than 1. I don't want to be the prize nazi, but towards the end of the day it was just getting ridiculous. Em's mom was working with me and she had to not only insist that a lady put her handful of prizes back in the bucket, but that she also dump the contents of her purse back as well--this was a woman who didn't even have kids.

People are so weird, like these cheap novelty toys are worth getting all pissy about.

After my long, hot day in the sun and on my feet, I treated myself to a pedicure. That was heavenly. I deserved it. Wednesday I fly to Abilene, TX to train a new coworker and next week I go to NY for my cousin's wedding. I also have two big work events it's going to be a crazy couple of weeks.

It makes me tired just thinking about it all.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

I had an all day Halloween event sort of thing today and we need to go over prize etiquette and some general behavior tips, but I came home to a chicken.

Chicka is growing up.

I knew it would happen, I'm just shocked that it happened today. Here she was just the other day.

With the goons.

(I know, Big Kid needs a trim and little kid needs some pants. That's the story of our lives around here.)

That was Wednesday.

I'll have to take a picture of her for you tonight, because she's way bigger. We found someone in the paper with chickens the same age as her and we're going to get one so she doesn't have to suffer as an only chicken.

My cat Pearl just puked on the coffee table right in front of me, so I've got to go, but I'll be back with more photos and some etiquette reminders a little later.

P.S. Did you know you have to wipe a chick's butt for it? If you do know--why the hell didn't you tell me??

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Can you even believe AIG took it's employees on a spa retreat to the tune of $440,000 (I don't have the exact number, sorry I'm not the New York Times for you all) after getting the $85 billion government loan??

$23,000 in spa treatments alone.

What a giant "Fuck you, America!" that is!

edited to add the actual invoice

That takes balls. Super, ginormous ones made of gold.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

What a Maverick

Melting Not

You know the only thing worse than having a stomach bug?

Having a stomach bug when you're hosting a dinner party at the Melting Pot.

Something about raw meat and fragrant sauces being placed in front of you, along with steam being blasted in your face, doesn't sit quite right when you're struggling not to hurl.

I ate one piece of bread, two pieces of apple, one bite of steak, one mushroom and half a strawberry. I got up and went to the bathroom positive that I was going to vomit 3 different times. I was wearing a cashmere Juicy sweater with three quarter length sleeves and between the heat of that and the steam blowing in my face, I was pretty sure I was going to blow chunks.

The highlight of the night--I met Mitch! Our commenter Mitch! She works for me. Weird, huh? Yep, I hired her sight unseen. Then I met her last night and just love her. She is super cute. Not being pervy here, just letting you all know--Mitch is cute. Mitch got to meet Em's mom and girl crush (she was the pretty one on her Blackberry all night).

I wasn't my normal dynamic self and my hair didn't even look good, but it was nice meeting her finally.

It was also nice managing not to puke during that meeting. I still feel pukey today and have to do boring, official, corporate record-keeping kind of work stuff today. Not looking forward to it but it should be easier to handle than raw meat.

Neatnik Saucer Winner

And our winner of the Neatnik Saucer is....

Lindsey! Or is it Lindsay? I had a friend who spelled it "wrong" and she's screwed me up ever since.

The writer of Living Life Backwards you will no longer be embarrassed by your messy baby in restaurants. Your loud, obnoxious baby? Well, it won't help that but there will be way less food on the floor and you'll look like you care.

Email me at ashleysclosetblog [at] yahoo [dot] com and one day I'll make Mr. Ashley mail out your prize.

(writing it that way throws off the Nigerian scammers--I live in America, home of real life scammers called government--I don't need my email junked up too.)

630 Votes?

If you lazy asses had voted for me for Hottest Mommy Blogger, I would've won with a number like that.

Monday, October 6, 2008


I just had to bury Henna.


I had to go be library mom and afterwards I ran to Publix and bought $40 worth of stuff to try to save her--Pedialyte, hard boiled eggs, baby vitamins, ointment, all kinds of stuff.

I got home and gave her some yolk mashed up with baby oatmeal, some water with Pedialyte and a drop of vitamins. I went back to the kitchen to rinse everything off, came back to the bathroom, and she wasn't breathing.


Man, it's sad. I made sure not to get too attached at first because she was so scrawny but she was doing so well yesterday. Most heartbreaking is that Chicka REALLY enjoyed her company and it looks like Chicka is going to be an only child, because the 4 eggs in the incubator aren't doing anything.

I feel like I've failed as a Mother Hen. Again.


is not looking good. At all really.

Oh I hope she ends up okay, she's been doing so well.

I'm searching the net for advice now.


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Neatnik Saucer

Okay, I know you all love free stuff. Moms of babies, line up, I've got a good one.

It's called the Neatnik Saucer and it fits into a restaurant highchair and keeps the surrounding area safe from falling food. It's made from an easy to wipe oil cloth and the best way I can describe it is like one of those sunshades for cars that you unfold and pop open? They're round? That's probably not the best description, but at least some of you will catch my drift.

Anyway, it protects your kid from the germy chair and protects the floor from your kid's crumbs. I really, really wish I had gotten this while little kid still sat in a high chair (he's a booster seat boy out at restaurants now) because this would have been a godsend. You'll probably find this hard to believe, but he was a food thrower/dropper back in his day. I know, I know, it's a shocker.

It is cleverly constructed and fits into a diaper bag sized oilcloth envelope that even has a pocket on the front for storage. Take my word for it, it's pretty cool.

So leave a comment with your first name and I'll use a random number generator to choose one of you and then eventually I'll mail the Neatnik Saucer to our winner.

Sorry, non baby havers--maybe we'll have something for you next time.

ETA: I'll announce the winner tomorrow--so have your names in by the time I wake up Tuesday if you want in the contest.

The Polls

I know they are annoying but I need to gather some market data and really, it's the least you all could do. They'll be up until October 12th, please vote.

Honestly too, no one will know what you voted.

Muchas gracias.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Chick Flicks

Here's some chick pics and footage.

I know Henna is a truly pathetic sight, but she's looking good now. I didn't feel that I should leave her in the incubator because she was crashing around into the other eggs and her yolk sac wasn't entirely absorbed and was scraping against the wire floor. So I made sure the brooder box was as warm as the incubator but softer and moved her over.

I didn't want Chicka stomping or pecking her so I separated them and they were clearly talking to each other. They are together now, all snuggled up and friendly and Henna is fluffing up and her yolk sac is almost all absorbed.

I think my incubator is a degree or two too warm, which would explain the early hatchers. I think my previous two attempts it was slightly too low because the first thermometer I had seems a few degrees off on the low side.

Next time I'll get it right.



I've got another chick halfway out. I did minor surgery because she was looking weak and getting quieter and quieter and now she's back in there hopefully gaining some strength and getting ready to kick off the last half of the shell. She's black.

Big Kid has already named her Henna and keeps assuring Chicka that her bestfriend Henna will be with her soon. I don't know if we'll ever get to name a chick, he's got a quick list of names. He's also insisting on a "Chicken Jane". Not Jane. Chicken Jane. More like Tickin Jane, actually.

Chicka is doing great and is as cute as can be. I swear I'll share her birth video and pics soon. Today. She has a mohawk of slimy hair that hasn't fluffed up, so she may get attacked with a washcloth sometime soon. Sorry, that's just how this mama rolls--we look good for photos here.


So Lily, my almost 100 pound white German Shepherd, is almost 10 years old (somewhere around there) and incredibly well behaved (for us, she makes my mom bat shit crazy).

Never goes potty in the house, never chews anything up, never barks unnecessarily, very tolerant of children, the whole 9 yards.

I was just in the kitchen washing my hands. We have a "great room" floor plan, so the kitchen and family room are all open to each other, and she just climbed up on the couch, curled herself around, and sat down in my spot as if this is a regular occurrence.

When I exclaimed, "What are you doing???" she looked shocked and contrite and got down and went to hide in the bedroom.

Could this 100lb furball really be lounging on my couches and leaving no sign of it?? How long has this been going on?

Unfucking Fair

I've decided the experts are wrong and from here on out, I'll continue with my Chick Midwifery.

I'm so fucking pissed. This morning at 6:45am Mr. Ashley told me I had a chick halfway out of its egg. I get up, check it, it's fine, doing great actually. Get little kid up and dressed, we check the chick again, it's fine. I start messing with my new coffee maker, check the chick again, see a piece of shell sort of dangling annoyingly and go grab my tweezers to pluck it off...and the chick was dead.

Within 5 minutes, with no wetness anywhere, a perfectly good chick that really only needed the shell hanging onto it removed in order to be "hatched" was dead. God damn it.

little kid was heartbroken and we had to have the garbage can fight again. When I told him the chick wasn't waking up he let out the saddest, "Ohhhh".

I did let him hold Chicka this morning. Last night he would say, "Mum, hug?" and wrap his arms around himself. No, Chicka is too little I'd reply. "Hold?" he'd ask, cupping his hands. So this morning, with my hands cupped carefully under his and over a soft mountain of pine shavings, I let him hold her.

Murphy and one cat have noticed Chicka and want to kiss her on the lips. Unsupervised visits are currently not allowed.

Anyway, be warned, I'm doing shit my own way from here on out. If it's a risk either way, I'm going to err on the side of playing doctor.

Friday, October 3, 2008


Chick #2 died.


I noticed a lack of chirping and investigated, and there was no movement. It looked awfully wet in there and sort of yellowish--I don't know, something wasn't right. I think it drowned. That's just my professional medical opinion regarding the situation.

Big Kid was unaffected other than the "yuck" factor, but little kid is sad. He keeps trying to go out to the garbage can and when I tell him no, he looks really sad and says "Buh bye" and waves at it.

It is pretty sad. Our other chick is still looking pretty pathetic, but I think it's a fighter. The other 8 eggs are just sitting there doing nothing--I need to figure out what day they were actually due to see if this is a concern. I thought Sunday or Monday.

Pics and video soon.

Edited to add: Chick #1 is to be called Chicka Chicka Boom Boom according to Big Kid. No quite what I had in mind, we'll see if it sticks.

You're Aunts & Uncles

I am a mother.

And a chicken midwife.

I'll be back with full details later. Mommy and baby are both resting now. Baby is wet and exhausted, mommy is exhausted and needs a drink.

Baby #2 is still just wallowing around in there, not making much progress.

So close

The poor little thing is so close! Every time I go over there it peeks up at me with it's one visible eye and starts chirping like "What the hell are you staring at? Get me the fuck out of here!"

It's so squished up, I don't really see where it can go from here, it looks like the shell would just pop apart with all of it's struggling, but nope.

I have to go get the boys from school. Hopefully she stays puts and rests until I get back.

The Struggle

She's trying so hard! Every time I go over there and make noise or shine my light in, she starts chirping up a storm! Her and her neighbor have been chirping to each other, too. Her neighbor seems weaker though and it still looks REALLY wet in there, so I'm hoping that one stays in there and gets a little stronger before really rallying.

Our early bird looks like she could pop out any moment though.

Who knew it was so hard to get out of an egg?

Mother Clucker

Now the other one is really chirping up a storm too. I think the second one is black, at least it's beak and feathers that I can see are. Oh, the sound is adorable and thrilling!!!! The anticipation is killing me--and I could kill Big Kid for not wanting to stay home with me today!


I helped a little. Just a little. More for my own sake.

Don't worry, I've set up a sterile, surgically prepared operating area and that's where I do my work.

It's all very professional.

I'll try not to again.

I Swear

that they're chirping "Help us Ashley....just come over here with your tweezers and deliver us." but I KNOW they are not. I KNOW I AM NOT A CHICKEN MIDWIFE.

Ashley, you are not a chicken midwife and you will cry your fucking eyes out if you kill one of those chicks while intervening. Leave them alone!


Of course I'm not certain where my good camera is and I'm freaking out too much to go find it, so we'll have to make do with Mr. Ashley's as both camera and video camera:

OMFG they are baby chickens!! Holy fucking cuteness!!



Holy shit people! My countertop was chirping this morning and one egg had a little hole and a chick is trying to get out!! Another one is pipped and chirping too.


I'll be back once I'm done running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

VP Debates

are on tonight! I could almost pee my pants in excitement.


Check and see if you're still registered to vote, and if you aren't, register

So Pissed

Big Kid: Guess what we had for snack today?
Ashley: What?
Big Kid: Somefing REALLY special.
Ashley: What? Who brought it?
Big Kid: ICE CREAM!!
Ashley: Ice cream? You had ice cream for snack at school? Who brought it?
Big Kid: Mrs. klASS mom.
Ashley: Oh. How nice of Mrs. klASS mom.
Big Kid: Yeah, it was awesome. Can you get me a drink please, Mrs. klASS mom?
Ashley: My name isn't Mrs. klASS mom, you know that.
Big Kid: I know, I was just pretendin' dat she was my mom. 'Cuz Kelly's mom is really cool. She has a little sisteh dat she brings wif her when she volunteers in da classroom--a little sisteh dat talks like perfect. Not like little kid. She talks...good.
Ashley: Good for them. They sound wonderful.
Big Kid: Dey are.

edited to add: I was just picking out class snack today as a matter of fact and passed up really cute bakery cookies because I thought I'd be all politically correct and not give them junk. I got popcorn balls instead. Fuck popcorn balls, I'm going back and at least getting the cookies. Maybe cupcakes. Screw the mess, I'll be cool like klASS mom. Bitch.

Quiet Entry

I just walked into the house, carrying a sleeping little kid, cringing when opening the door waiting for yapping and barking to commence at the sight of me...and walked into total silence.

The dogs were both there, staring at me, not bothering to get up. They just don't feel the need to herald my arrival as if I was an intruder every time they see me, like Heidi Louise used to.

I fucking hated that she did that. I couldn't go to the mailbox and back without being treated like a terrorist when re-entering the house. But there I was today, putting a still sleeping little kid into his crib, and dripping tears at the lack of commotion.

That was 15 minutes ago and I'm still sitting here wiping away tears. I just can't believe I still miss her this much, even the parts of her that I thought I hated.


That Bitch

Okay, I wasn't going to tell you all because he was so embarrassed...but Big Kid had an accident at school last Friday.

So the school nurse changed his clothes and sent a note home saying, "Your child needed a change of clothes today. Please be so kind as to wash and return them ASAP."

That bitch is now Big Kid's mortal enemy.

He had told me himself, rushed out as if it wasn't a big deal. "Hudson got a warning today and I dest had a little accident but it was no big deal I dest went to da media center and got new shorts, but can you bewieve Hudson got anudder warning?"

"Wait...what?? You wet your pants??"

(picking at his lip)...."yeah. Are you embawwassed of me?"

"No, of course not. Were you embarrassed though? I'm sorry that happened to you."

"It was no big deal."

So, although I was shocked, I moved on. Later that night Mr. Ashley mentioned the note and Big Kid came UNGLUED. Although we read it to him several times, assured him that she didn't tell us anything, she just wanted her shorts back--he was just fucking furious that she had the nerve to send a note home to his parents.

He also had taken the clean undies off and put his wet ones back on--not taking into account I'd be wondering about the pair of clean undies that weren't his in his backpack. So there was some attempt at covering his tracks about this whole thing. He fessed up himself but he was PISSED that the nurse tried to contact us. They are no longer friends and won't be ever again, according to him.

Note from little kid

Leather cleaner does NOT work well as a shampoo. It sprays on quite nicely and lathers up fantastically once you get it wet, but you don't want to get that shit in your eyes or have to rinse your hair until the water runs clean.

He just thought he'd save you the trouble of trying it, he's been experimenting with spraying different things he finds under the kitchen sink in his hair and leather cleaner didn't work for him.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

8s and 9s

Mr. Ashley: Ms. D says you need to work on your 8s and your 9s.

Big Kid: She said dat?? In my homework foder, she wrote dat?

Mr. Ashley: Yes, it looks like you need to straighten out the line on your 9s.

Big Kid: I'm dest mad at my teatser now. I can't believe she said dat.

Mr. Ashley: You can't be mad at her. She even wrote a smiley face, she's not being mean.

Big Kid: (sitting there stewing silently)...I'm writin' a note back, is what I'm gonna do. Wif an exwamation point at da end.

Mr. Ashley: You most certainly will not. You would never. You don't get on your teacher about this.

Big Kid: It wouldn't be a mad exwamation point, dest an excited one.

Mr. Ashley: No notes, no exclamation points. At all.

Big Kid: (more fuming)...Mudder, get me an eraser, I'm erasin' what she wrote. I'm dest so mad at her.

Mr. Ashley: Don't have a bad attitude about this. Don't you dare erase her note or write her back.

Big Kid: 8s and 9s are dest hard. My 8s and 9s are fine, dey are lookin' good. I'm startin' over. I need a whole new maf book. I can't bewieve she did dis to me.

Almost Caught Up

I was so happy yesterday because I felt halfway caught up--or at least not like I was pedaling backwards--with work stuff and my day seemed surprisingly normal and scheduled. I even did a load of dishes.

Mr. Ashley got home around 7pm and I went into our bedroom for a moment...and somehow fell asleep until it was time to take the kids to school this morning.

Which means I managed to fall behind since I didn't get my night time work done, which puts me right back into the cycle of craziness.