Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Trick or Treat

I didn't buy candy until today so that I wouldn't eat it all.

And then I bought a bag at Costco. And we're not even going to be home to pass it out.

And I did that on purpose so I could eat it.


Happy Halloween to you all.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Two Faced

I love Halloween and still want to dress up as a zombie, dammit, so we're renting a hotel room and going to a big zombie event.
I'm using this photo of a face that zips off as my make up inspiration:

So creepy. #Halloween

When I showed the kids they gasped, little kid with admiration, Big Kid with horror.

"You cannot wear that, mom!!" He insisted.

"Why not? This is cool!"

"Because--" he was flustered, stammering as he made his point, "Because everyone will see your....your organisms!!"

I seriously almost peed my pants.

And I'm totally going to let everyone see my organisms, I deserve to have a little fun.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


So for about a week now, I've been staring at this giraffe's ass.

Allegedly, this giraffe (her name is Autumn) is going to have a baby soon. But there is speculation that she's just a fat ass because all she does is eat. (Seriously, that's it.) And supposedly giraffes don't look pregnant but I don't know how they hide a 200lb baby with a 6 foot neck so well. So we'll stick with allegedly. She's also got a worthless mate who paces around and eats all of her food--typical man. I'm sick of his face. (I'm talking to you, Walter!)

The children have been excitedly waiting for something interesting to happen. We check every day, several times a day, and make sure the feed is up and running by 5pm because they shut it down to the public at night (so you have to leave the window open).

"So, what's their plan here? Will they do surgery right there on camera?" Big Kid asked.

"Surgery? I hope not."

"To get the baby out? When will they do it?"

"Oh, the baby will come out naturally," we stared at each other for a moment, me realizing the potential to freak him out. "You know, from her vagina."

"Oh GOD! Mom!!"

"What, Big Kid? That's where babies come from!"

"That poor baby," said little kid sadly.

"Think of the mom! She's got a 200 pound baby giraffe coming out of her--"

"MOOOOM! MOM STOP! You are talking about someone's VAGIN-a!"  (Gin sounding like the drink, and all of the emphasis on the first two syllables). "Her VAGIN-a! Come on now!"

Haha! Poor Autumn and her poor VAGIN-a.

Please God let this baby come while they're at home so I can further traumatize them with nature's miracle.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Do Me a Solid

I try not to ask you to vote for things or support causes too often because I have lots of friends and care about a lot of stuff, but also have a very short attention span and major follow-through problems. So instead I'm going to tell you about Project Run & Play, an online competition that's like Project Runway for kids' wear.

A friend of mine is in it and I've enjoyed seeing what everyone comes up with each week--they have some seriously talented ladies participating. Naturally, my friend is the most seriously talented and deserves to win, especially this week's challenge which revolved around boys' wear. As any mom of boys knows...boys clothes are among the most sucktastic apparel out there. Unless you love football appliques. Every once in a while I get lucky at Gap Kids, Crew Cuts or Old Navy but it's a major score to find something I really like.

(Ahem, I mean they really like. These are their clothes. Of course.)

But I REALLY like her (M)athlete look.

I would even if I didn't really like her. I would buy this immediately if I saw it in a store. Even more impressive, she had to work around the sensory issues of her son and still managed to make trendy, quality-looking, casual, comfortable clothes that would look good on any kid.

And I'm not trying to be mean, so let's not discuss the competition. Everyone's extremely talented and creative, but some people might be dressing their kids weird. Just saying.

(And I know it was mean.)

Voting's easy, it's just a button in the sidebar and is open until Sunday. I won't tell you who to vote for. I trust you don't (or wouldn't) dress your kid funny and will vote accordingly.

*The opinions stated above are my own obnoxious thoughts and are not shared or condoned in any way by my friend from the Mouse House who is NOT mean (ever, it's rather boring of her) and who has good things to say about everyone (yawn; she's lucky she's talented). You'd like her, I promise, probably way more than me. And check out her Kate Middleton inspired Preppy Princess look from Week 2. It almost made me go get pregnant with a baby girl. And I don't even like babies that much.

(Fun irrelevant fact: My kids heard the phrase "do me a solid" on the Regular Show or something and I heard it about 768 times in one weekend. And that's a conservative estimate.)