Tuesday, March 27, 2012

That One Guy

"Did Steve Jobs get paid for painting the ceiling?" little kid asked on the way to school this morning.

"Painting a ceiling? I don't know what you're talking about."

"For paintin' that church? The church ceiling? With God touchin' that guy?"

"....the Sistine Chapel??"

"Yes. Did Steve Jobs get paid for that, or do it for fun?"

"....Steve Jobs had nothing to do with that. The artist Michaelangelo did that, a really long time ago."

"Did he get paid?"

"I'm sure he did, that was a big project."

"Yeah and then he had to be in a wheel chair 'cuz his back hurted so bad after paintin' that ceiling."

"A wheel chair? I don't think so, I've never heard that."

"I seen him in a wheel chair, talkin' 'bout space."

"Do you mean Stephen Hawking??"

"He talks funny like a robot?"

"....yeah. He's not Michaelangelo either."

"Hm. Okay."

He knows a whole lot of stuff. Just very little of it makes much sense.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Inspector

"When I grow up, I'm going to be the kind of guy who shuts down shops and restaurants!" little kid said triumphantly last night, after much recent pondering about what he'll be when he grows up.

"Shuts down shops and restaurants?"

"Yeah, like, make them close forever," he said happily.

"What? Why?" I asked, not seeing the appeal.

"Because I think I'll be good at it."

"You would be good at it. I just don't understand..."

"I think it's an inspector, or something? That I'll be?"

"So you're going to grow up to be a health inspector?"



Wednesday, March 21, 2012


My Facebook sidebar just informed me that 594, 750 people like kittens. This is mind-blowingly bizarre to me that sharing this kind of information has become such a normal part of our culture.

Who likes kittens? Click this button if you like kittens! It's important for people to know you like kittens!

I'd rather know who dislikes kittens, really, because you can't trust someone who doesn't like kittens.

Monday, March 19, 2012


During a discussion about little kid's rampant snacking habits, Big Kid said, "You've got greed and gluttony, little kid."

"You've got sloth," I answered, since little kid doesn't understand the word gluttony or see anything wrong with greed.

"You're lust!" Big Kid replied.

Mr. Ashley and I gasped in unison. "Whaaaat?!? Big Kid, I am not!" I yelled, as Mr. Ashley snickered.

"You do! You sleep a lot!"

"First of all, I do not sleep a lot. I don't know where you all get this idea. Second, lust is when you love a lot of people...." I attempted to explain.

"Haha! You're definitely lust! You loves all kinds of people! Haha!" little kid chimed in (and I was on his side originally).

"I really think it involved sleeping. I'm almost sure of it," Big Kid mused.

"No! Trust me! It's when you love too many people romantically....too often."

"Still you!" little kid shouted. "You love Jack's mom!!"

"Well, this has taken a weird turn," said Mr. Ashley.

"I do love Jack's mom...but not romantically! I only love your dad romantically. I swear."

"I'm gonna have to look this up when I get home. I'm certain it involved sleeping...." Big Kid continued.

"Look, you're forbidden from looking it up. You're going to have to take my word for it. And I'm done talking about this now, completely done."

"Well, you do sleep a lot."

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Uncle Babysitter

"I'm going to start babysitting babies and I'll charge $1 an hour but only $3 for a whole day because I love babies and want to be able to watch a lot of them," Big Kid said.

"Um, bro? Is this deal gonna be abailable when I'm growed up?" asked little kid.


"'Cuz I wanna have a baby but I have other big plans, so if you could watch it for 3 bucks while I do that other stuff..."

"Dude, I don't know if you're the type who should have a baby."

"Why? I want babies! I just wanna do other stuff too so I need to know if you'll watch it, is all."

Thursday, March 8, 2012


I've started to write like 5 different blog posts but nothing ever sticks. What is happening with me? Are my kids not as funny as they used to be? Am I too busy with "real life"? I don't know!

I have made a new friend who is very active and social and I think she is partially to blame. She gets me to do stuff like go for long walks on the beach, go kayaking (not even kidding, my lazy self really did go kayaking), and go grocery shopping together. We're even going camping on an island over spring break with the kids and no men. Would old Ashley do that? No sir, new Ashley is actually a little worried about doing that. Because who will carry all of the stuff? And who would fight off any potential bears or serial killers? (Can bears get on an island?) She likes to go to the beach even if it's cold and always has stuff to talk about. So she keeps me busy (and it's hard for me to be busy, but I do like it/her).

Also, I've been having 3 hour breakfasts with assorted other friends and painting my nails and making muffins and cleaning the house, and doing all the stuff I hated other stay at home moms for doing when my kids were younger. It turns out, I am an excellent stay at home mom now that the kids are in school! I might never work again (my husband laughs when I say this, but I am kind of serious). I found my old dollhouse and am refinishing it and that's about the most exciting thing I have going, which is both embarrassing and nice.

I really do think the kids haven't been as funny as usual, but I'll pay closer attention because I'm probably just missing the good stuff. Very unfunnily, two different kids have called Big Kid a nerd this week for his 2 pairs of shoes (sanuks and converse), and I'm torn between tracking them down and beating them with their own stupid shoes or figuring out what shoes aren't nerdy and buying 2 of every pair. Dumb little jerks. I care far more than Big Kid does, but I can't help it. They're just jealous because he's cuter and smarter and dresses cooler than them and I hate them.

I had a traumatic volunteering incident over the weekend that just comes out whiny any time I try to post about it although it was undoubtedly horrific and traumatic. I'm not even going there but I will tell you that this was posted on the door--
(this sign is a regular fixture at someone's workplace. Some people are prohibited from pooping at work!)

and the lady I volunteered with for 11 hours, who talked only about herself that entire time, mentioned that she had diarrhea within moments of meeting me. And that was actually one of the more charming incidents of that entire hell-gotten (is that a word? It should be) day.

Anyway, never volunteering again and I mean it this time! See how I underlined "mean it"? I don't know if I've ever underlined anything. I mean it.