Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Gap Widens

I just looked in Big Kid's mouth--and he's missing another tooth. The other bottom center one.

Um, what the hell? So he's just swallowing teeth left and right, not even noticing they're gone? Will there ever be an actual tooth involved in these Tooth Fairy transactions?

Maybe his THIRD loose tooth will end up in the "first tooth" box if we're lucky. This isn't how it's supposed to work.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

Chain of Links

The Cab Ride I'll Never Forget--moving
Cutest baby twin photo ever--gorgeous
Homo sex is sin--hysterical
Netflix origami--clever
Sharpie Decor--creative
More Sharpie decorating--maybe this is what little kid is building up to?

Not So Standard 30th

I had an awesome birthday. I was way too drunk for drinks at the Delano, but I had a great night anyway. Luckily, I had asked Catfish where to go to dinner and she told me that some special "Miami Spice" thing was going on and all the nice restaurants offer a fixed menu for $36.

We ate steak at a casual but chic place called Santo and sat at an outdoor table where we shared a bottle of wine and people watched all night long. Oh, how the people of Miami cracked us up! A few observations:

-Skinny jeans don't look good on 99.5% of the population. Sorry, they just don't. Even the beautiful people in Miami couldn't pull them off.

And men--oh dear God, please don't. Noooooooooo. Not even if you're Emo or whatever. Especially not. Lordy.

-The Ed Hardy look appears to have vomited all over Miami Beach. And I like Ed Hardy. The tattooed roses, the rock star looking writing, all the colors, yeah, fine, great on the occasional $80 t-shirt or a pair of Converse. 99% of it was this gaudy knock off Ed Hardy-esque, gold accented, guido sort of look. Not cute.

- Women forgetting to wear pants. We saw at least a dozen. Once again, I'm all for short skirts, love them myself, HOWEVER, it you can't shrug your shoulders without exposing the bottom half of yourself--it's not a dress. Nope. It's a shirt and you need some leggings or something before you leave the house. Even on the hot girls, it just looked odd.

-A lot of people, I mean a lot a lot, appear to be mismatched/dating out of their league. Maybe it's a money thing, maybe it's the cool thing to do, but it was unbelievable the number of gorgeous women or men with ugly/old guys. It could be their amazing personalities, but I don't know.

-Our bus boy. We called him The Shark and when he would approach we would hum The Jaws theme song. During every course, at least once, I would put my fork down and he would run up and ask if I was done. No, I'm not. Sometimes it happened twice. He kept stealing my freaking nachos, he'd clear them with every course and I'd have to ask for more (good salsa). I appreciate your attentiveness--but I'm parked here buddy. I am in noooo hurry and no, I'm not done with those chips.

South Beach has a cool and fun vibe and part of that is you can be whoever the hell you want because there's no way you'll be weirder than the next guy. I saw a guy riding a bike with a rooster on the handlebars, two people wearing hot pink old-school style Ray-ban knock offs, and more gays of every gender class and variation than you could shake a stick at. I saw tons of parents walking down Lincoln Avenue with their children at 11 o'clock at night. Joe Francis, King douchebag of Girls Gone Wild fame, walked by smoking a cigar and flirting with a knock out blonde. Awesome people watching, we laughed until our sides hurt, especially at the outfits.

At the Standard, they all wear white t-shirts with the logo barely noticeable on the sleeve. The girls wear white bottoms, whatever they want apparently, even a barely there tennis skirt or teensy gym shorts with knee socks. The men wear houndstooth pants but wear them however, some cut off at the knee, some rolled up--one leg or both, some super baggy. They wear puffy trucker hats and white bandanas. One of them was sporting the hot pink Ray Bans. Everyone needed a haircut. Dreadlocks were worn by both sexes and several races. Just not what you imagine from the staff at your upper class hotel and spa. It was fun. Quite "the scene".

Unfortunately for me, it was kind of overcast, so not a great day to hang by the pool. Also, when we first pulled up, the whole parking lot was completely underwater and there were signs saying it was SEWAGE....so I was faced with walking through shit to get to the spa. Understandably, I was pretty upset. We had to park 10 minutes away to find a dry spot and magically by the time we got back to the hotel, it had all drained.

Our couples massage was sooooo good and super romantic. If me falling in love with my pretty masseuse is romantic. Man, there's just something about someone who knows the human body that well and whose hands are that soft. I'm kidding though (kind of), it was romantic. The whole day was. We lied on our towels in the Hamam (a round marble heated room) and talked quietly. We sat in the scented steam room and inhaled. We showered in the high powered shower room, lounged on the couches around the firepit, and cozied up together in the hot tub. Nice, nice, nice.

Our hotel was The Crest, one of the original art deco glamorous hotels...'cept not so glamorous all these years later. They've renovated it nicely but it is what it is. Original elevator, which I referred to as The Elevator of Doom (I took photos for you all), that Mr. Ashley and I barely fit into together. Luckily, our hotel was under $100 and within walking distance to everything including the beach, so I can't complain at all. I could see the Delano from my room. We never got back into the car, which was nice.

Anyhoo, I had a great weekend. It was the perfect gift. Also, when I got home, my mom had cleaned my house--which was no easy feat. Talk about the best birthday gift ever, a day and a half without kids and a clean house to come home to. Lucky, lucky me!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Awwwwww, you guys

I'm at my hotel on South beach and Mr. Ashley went to get me a Coke so I thought I'd hop online and research dinner options...and you all have me sitting here in my hotel room crying.

Yeah, I'm a little drunk but I'm with it enough to realize how blessed I am to have all of "you" in my life. Seriously, the Closet has been life changing.

I've had an awesome day, which you'll hear all about later. Very glamorous. I'll be having drinks at the Delano tonight. Life is good. My 30s are going to rock. I haven't even cried about it yet (other than the crying over how great you all are), I'm really looking forward to it. I've learned a lot in the last ten years. I have all kinds of deep thoughts I want to get out now but Mr. Ashley is back and I'll probably be too sober to share them tomorrow. Whatever.

Happy birthday to all of the other 9/27ers and everyone have a good weekend in our honor.

I am 30

Let the celebrations begin!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Watching the Debate

Big Kid and I are watching the debate:
Big Kid: So dis guy wants to be da president? (nodding to McCain)
Ashley: Yep.
Big Kid: So he finks he's going to be on a quarter, huh? I don't know 'bout dat. I'm finkin' he's no good for a quarter.
Ashley: Yeah, I agree.


Someone commented and asked if I knew where they could find an adult Yo Gabba Gabba sweater. It was on an entry way back and I'm too lazy to go find it now, so hopefully you're reading this. They do not make the butt ugly sweaters you've seen on the show. They do make adult sized hoodies but they are UBER expensive and not anything like the ones on the show. Just buy an ugly sweater, cut out a weird shaped thing, hot glue that baby on there and voila!

Big Kid wants to be this (Plex) for Halloween:

Guess who has to figure out how to make that. Remember me hot gluing little kid into his costume last year??

Gabrielle the Go Between

Big Kid: Gabrielle is dest a cheatah.
Ashley: She's a cheater? Why?
Big Kid: She dest kept sayin' ober and ober dat Miranda loves me.
Ashley: Oh yeah?
Big Kid: YEAH! And it was makin' Miranda all mad and she said she doesn't love me. So Gabrielle dest needs to stop cheatin'.
Ashley: Hmmm. Maybe Miranda told Gabrielle that she loves you.
Big Kid: No, mudder, she said she did not.
Ashley: Okay then.
Big Kid: And I dest went to find Miranda 'cuz I knew she was mad at Gabrielle and I dest saw her in da hallway and she holded my hand.
Ashley: Miranda held your hand?
Big Kid: No, holded, she was holding my hand.
Ashley: Oh...well it sounds like she does love you.
Big Kid: She can't love me, I dest love Ahsiya.
Ashley: You love Ahsiya?? I thought she was your friend.
Big Kid: She's my favowite fwiend because she doesn't get any warnings, like me.
Ashley: Okay, that's good. Ahsiya is a nice girl.
Big Kid: So Gabrielle dest needs to stop cheatin', I'm gonna tell her today.
Ashley: Actually, it would be fibbing or lying--not cheating.
Big Kid: Oh brudder, you're not listenin' at all. She's CHEATING by saying Miranda LOVES me and she DOESN'T. Hmmmph.
Ashley: Sorry. Hope it all works out.

Fascinating, huh? Who knew this shit started in kindy? Big Kid has decided he can't be friends with half of the class because they get warnings (totally unacceptable in his book) and he can't be friends with Juan because he chews with his mouth open. Poor Juan.

Ahsiya is a beautiful little girl from a very nice family (they were at the party). She has brown skin like Hudson, but Big Kid hasn't noticed or mentioned it. Hudson is the King of Warnings--safe to say Big Kid has washed his hands of him. He has high standards, that Big Kid.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


sexy about this.

Nothing at all.


I got little kid a cheap-o Walmart movie about tractors and horses and they are teaching kids how to operate these tractors...like serious, step by step instructions, including how to disengage the emergency brake and what lever operates what.

Am I the only one that thinks this is waaaaaay too much information? I'm having nightmares of little kid sneaking down the road to the construction site nearby and riding off into the sunset on one of these things.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

One Sexy Old Guy

Did anyone see Bill Clinton on The Daily Show last night?

I know, I know, some of you are still suffering terribly over his past transgression 12 years ago, but you've got to admit that he's aging well. He also has serious charisma.

I'd do him.

Capitalism FAILS

I LOVE whoever is holding up this sign behind Paulson. That's the funniest thing that's come out of this whole mess.

As I'm sure you all can guess, Ashley is not pleased about this $700 billion bail out. Something about it just doesn't seem quite fair to me, and of course as a bargain hunter I cannot condone this type of behavior.

So you gambled on real estate and lost your ass and the gov is going to help you back up....I gambled on real estate, lost my ass, and I'm going to be forced to help you back up while struggling to bail water out of my own sinking ship....Hmmmm.

So, in my spare time (and I don't have a lot these days), I have come up with a new solution. Instead of giving the $700 billion to billionaires--let's give it to everyone who can't pay their bills!

In turn, they'll pay their bills and stop being homeless and banks will have money again and the world can continue to go round! Also, naturally any executive working at one of these failed corporations will donate their salary and assets (because you lose all that shit anyway when you go bankrupt...trust me, I've checked) to the deficit and they'll have to hope that our social service system works well enough to care for them in their time of need.

See? Easy as that. If I wasn't so busy doing more important things, like being a mother, I'd run for office.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Serious Look

Mini-Freaks & More

I KNOW I owe you all the pirate party post. I KNOW!! I feel so guilty about that, I was just thinking about it while driving Big Kid to school.

I'll put it on the short list.

Also, there's no interesting back story on my hater. We both market to moms and that's upsetting to her. I don't consider us direct competition at all but when I introduced myself to her and told her we could possibly help each other out, she practically yelled, "OH I DON'T THINK SO. OH NOO" and turned her back on me. It was bizarre. My more direct competition is so sugary, syrupy sweet to me that I feel guilty for even existing.

Also, I've got to get pictures of the mini-freaks for you all. Big Kid has decided he desperately wants glasses because they make him look serious. So he has found some lime green plastic frames that came with a chicken little outfit and he wears them everywhere. He assures me over and over again that the other kids won't be jealous (because that's our reason for not taking toys out of the house) and then asks over and over again if I think they are jealous and then he reassures me that they don't think anything of it because they just think he can't see.

He looks like A TOTAL FREAK. The adjectives nerd, geek, dork and dweeb don't begin to cover it.

little kid is a full time cowboy. He saw a man in a cowboy hat at a country diner we go to, and later saw a nice cowboy hat at Walmart that he begged for (Peez mum, PEEZ!!) and now he wears it EVERYWHERE and drags either his stick horse or his build a bear horse along with us.

The other day he wanted in on the glasses action, but we didn't have anymore glasses, so he found some of those disguise glasses with the nose and the eyebrows but the nose is missing, so they're just black frames with eyebrows. He wore them out to breakfast with his cowboy hat and with his lime green glasses brother.

Freaking weirdos. I have pictures on my Blackberry but can't figure out how to email them anywhere. It seems like it should be easy, but I don't know.

Anyhoo, I owe you stuff. I know it. It's on the list.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Manic Monday

Today I found out if juice gets forgotten in a Thermos for a weekend, and then you open said juice, the thermos releases a high powered spray of the juice right into your face.

That was a fun lesson to learn the hard way. Fucking gross.

Also, being library mom isn't that much fun. I mean, I'll do it. One hour a week isn't going to kill me or anything. I just thought it would be more fun than it is. Big Kid is totally psyched about it and introduces me to his friends as "Mrs. Ashley...da missus is 'cuz she's married."

I have a super busy week coming up, which sucks for you all. Also, I candled the eggs yesterday and I think we might really have chickens in two weeks. Of course we will, since I barely worry about them and dread touching their poopy little selves (did I tell you these eggs are a little poopy? The others weren't. I read not to wash them too, so I roll them with a paper towel. Who wants poopy eggs though? They're not even blue) We'll end up with some scraggly flock of half naked necked $3 a dozen poopy egg mutt chicks. Oh joy.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Weekend Update

As predicted, my hater had a hissy fit upon seeing me there yesterday and made herself look bad without me even having to put forth any effort. Isn't that weird? Who acts like that, knowing we'll be seeing each other again and again?

She managed to tick off a few people and I just laughed it off and looked better in the process. I was too busy to be too concerned with her and it ended up being a really fun day.

I still totally love my job. You're all probably thinking you're missing out on some juicy bitching, but you really aren't. At times it's overwhelming, and it is a ton of hours, and right now it's extra confusing because everything is new, but I still think it's the perfect job for me and I never wake up dreading work.

And can you even imagine how much fun it is to plan super fun themed events, buy prizes and shop at Target without spending your own money? It's like I get to be a writer, a shopper and a party planner. I've got so many fun ideas that I can't wait to do. I still feel so lucky.

Let's talk about manners though, people. Yesterday I was doing something that involved giving away prizes to kids. I found it hard to believe, but some of the parents were even ruder than the kids about trying to sneak extra prizes. I tried to just let it slide but towards the end I was running out of goodies and no longer putting up with parents shoving handfuls of prizes into their diaper bags...dude, if you want every color of the little bitty play-dohs, go to Wal-mart and drop $4.

Mr. Ashley brought the kids by and Big Kid won a prize from a certain color bag and admitted to me later that night that he really really wished he had landed on a different color. It would never even occur to him to ask for a different prize, even though his mom was the one who made the rules. He's a total rule follower.

After the all day affair, my mom and I took the kids to the waterpark which was open at night for some special reason. As we were walking out after playing, I asked Big Kid if he had a good day, getting to go to my event and the waterpark, and he said, "Mom, it was a day I will never forget. Dat's how good of a day today was."

It was a pretty fun day. Speaking of fun days, for my birthday Mr. Ashley and I are going to spend a romantic spa day at The Standard in Miami. YAY ME!! Best. Idea. Ever. I cannot freaking wait, my friends.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Just Found Out

that the event I'm doing tomorrow is outside.

Shit. I would've made someone do it for me had I known that.

I will also be directly across from this lady that was a TOTAL BITCH to me at the last event.

That really isn't so bad because I sort of enjoy her hatred for me and will just work extra hard to prove to her how much more fun I am and how much she sucks and how she is right to feel threatened, but it means I'll have to be Super Duper Ashley all day long (instead of regular old Super Ashley).

Super Duper Ashley has a hard time when it's hot out.

The Reason Why

You know how I told you all not to have kids? To keep your chic condo, 2 door car, and convenient travel?

Well, I forgot to warn you that you will never know True Love if you don't.

I know, I know--but you LOVE your husband! You LOVE your parents! You LOVE your dog, that dog is just like your baby...

Nope. I know it's hard to believe, but all of that is nothing compared to how you love your child.

True, when they've sloshed Iodine all over your bathroom or embarrassed you in front of a room full of strangers, that love isn't quite as close to the surface as usual.

But the rest of the time, I can't even describe. Just looking at those photos of Big Kid makes my eyes well up with tears. Seeing him walk away from my car in the morning, his big backpack bouncing up and down on his little frame, makes my heart pound with pride and fear and happiness. Just thinking about little kid's chubby little smile before I go to bed fills me with warmth and contentment and the ability to do it all again tomorrow.

I can't tell you how many times I look at their sweet faces and think, "I did that. I made that. That little person is a piece of me and my gift to the world. They are my legacy."

So, there is nothing wrong with choosing the 2 door car and the chic condo with glass tables because you'll never know what you're missing anyway, but I just wanted to try to explain what you would be missing out on because it's totally worth it, even if my house currently smells like pee and is covered in toys.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Smooth Operator

I just did my first stealth Tooth Fairy mission.

He was originally cool about the missing tooth but about an hour later he was a little teary eyed and I could tell he was stressing about it.

Our county's health department has a real life tooth fairy that's at all the health and safety fairs. I met her not long ago and got her card and she mentioned that kids can call her and ask their questions or share their announcements, so I gave him her number and he left a message on her voice mail letting her know that he lost his tooth but he's not sure where it went and he hopes she can still come anyway.

We followed up with a note under the pillow--he didn't want to mention that he may have swallowed it, for fear she'd be pissed, so we just said we couldn't find it.

She wrote him back and said that she already took it because she was so excited to get such a nice tooth, then she sprayed her note with Chanel No 5, glued a purple rhinestone on it and slipped it back under his pillow with $5.

I happen to know that we'll be seeing the real life Tooth Fairy on Saturday at an event I'm working, so I'm going to drop her an email letting her know that he left the message and debriefing her for their encounter on Saturday. I actually ran into her at a pizza place the other day and didn't introduce her to the family because I couldn't remember her real name and wasn't sure how to handle the Tooth Fairy drinking wine and wearing capris vs. her sparkly dress, wings, and diamond toothbrush wand.

The whole real life Tooth Fairy really kind of complicates things if you think about it, but it all worked out this time.


Big Kid's tooth is gone...and he doesn't have any idea where or when this happened.

He just had a bowl of chips and a sandwich, I'm thinking it went where they did.


So how does the tooth fairy handle this? What the hell do I put in his "First Tooth" box?

This wasn't a part of the plan. Not at all. How the hell do you swallow a tooth??

My 30th Birthday

is next Saturday.

I'm going to operate under the premise that Mr. Ashley has nothing planned because, well, he never has anything planned and we fight about it every year. I could be wrong, but it would be ONE HELL OF A FIGHT this year, so I won't take the risk.

Catfish will be in town, Em's mom is taking the night off and Girl Crush already said if I was doing anything she was inviting herself. So I have some options.

I could:
1. Go to a comedy club I've been wanting to go to but never get to. (meh)
2. Go to a nightclub I've been wanting to go to but never get to. (This could be fun but I'd want a VIP table and a new outfit, I'd have to watch Mr. Ashley like a hawk about being my designated driver, I suck at dancing, and I'd be going out late. God, I'm old)
3. Treat myself to a spa day and ignore everyone. (always fun)
4. Take the kids to the Miami Zoo, which is free that day (sounds hot and semi-sucky but I love leaving town)
5. I really want to go to Busch Gardens but this would definitely be hot and expensive and Mr. Ashley would not be excited (he will most likely be unexcited about any of the options listed, he's difficult to excite, good thing it's not his birthday)
6. Insist on dinner at one of my favorite restaurants (this is the bare minimum).

I don't know. What are your thoughts?


I volunteered in Big Kid's classroom for an hour the other day, because I'm awesome like that, and his teacher passed on the following anecdote:

Miss E: Yes, Kelly?

Kelly: So and so is touching me and I used my words and asked them to stop and they didn't.

Miss E: Okay, well stop it so and so. Yes, Big Kid?

Big Kid: Um, dere was someone touchin' me earlier and I assed dem to stop and dey dest kept ticklin' my shoulder. So I dest wanted to tell Kelly dat I know how she feels and I'm finking me and her are feelin' da same way right now.

In other news, I'm going to be a soccer mom. Yep. We'll see how that goes, remind me to tell you about the time we tried t-ball.

Nice Sign

All over town today, there were old people on street corners holding political signs. They had their own little campaign going, standing there in the heat waving at passing traffic in their golf shorts and visors.

Has anyone in the history of democracy been influenced by people holding signs and waving from the side of the road?

If so, their voting rights should be revoked immediately.

What a waste of man power.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Is It Just Me?

Or is Dr. Rey from Dr. 90210 a seriously creepy nerd?

There's no way I'd let that pompous little ass anywhere near me with anesthesia and a knife.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

How Much?!?

The kids in Big Kid's class are under the impression that the Tooth Fairy leaves you TEN DOLLARS.

TEN? DOLLARS?? Two kids have gotten ten dollars for their first three teeth...way to set the bar, other parents.

I get inflation and all, but I was thinking $3-$5. Maybe a note with a smiley.

Not ten dollars, I was most certainly not thinking ten dollars.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Broken Grill

Well, I have been dreading this day for a long time.

Today, Big Kid hopped in the car from school. We did our normal routine, me asking about his day, him saying he doesn't know, me prying one word answers out of him, him getting annoyed with me, when I tried to get some lunch talk going.

Big Kid: I didn't eat all my lunch 'cuz my mouf hurted. I tode Sophia dat I was havin' toof problems...

Ashley: (kicking myself for forgetting to reschedule his last cleaning)

Big Kid: ...and Sophia said it was probabwy wiggly and dat I was probabwy gonna lose it. And it is, dest all wiggly, wiggling all over da place.

Ashley: Seriously?? Let me see...

Big Kid: (opens mouth, flicks tooth aside with his tongue)

Ashley: (gasps...stomach flips...it's just so freakish) Oh my. Wow. Ugh. Wow.

Big Kid: So da toof fairy will dest come and bring me a prize or some dollars. Maybe you could gib me an apple so I could get it out fast so we could see what I get.

Ashley: Wow. That's really...cool. What a big boy you are! Congrats. We don't have an apple, it'll come out when it's ready.

Big Kid: I'm finkin it's ready.

I have of course explored it since, tentatively rocking it back and forth with my index finger, appalled at how loose it was. I noticed that the tooth next to it is a little wobbly too. Both bottom middle teeth.

First, the whole thing grosses me out. It's just so weird when you think about it. I remember finding a pill bottle full of my baby teeth that my mom kept and I couldn't believe she kept them. Which got me to wondering what the heck I'm going to do with them. Ugh, I don't know. That's the least of my problems, I'm just grossed out about the whole thing.

Second, my kid is about to look like a hillbilly. On and off for a long time. Yeah, yeah, it's cute...but in a "your kid is a goofball" kind of way. He's enough of a goofball on his own.

Third, he just turned 5. This is not fair, losing the last of the baby parts. I thought this happened around 6 or 7.

Have I mentioned how weird and gross I think it is? Damn, damn, damn.


I'm sitting in Big Kid's school parking lot working on my laptop. I just felt the need to share the joy that comes with a wireless air card.

Internetz anywherez, I lovez it!

As Per Statcounter

We have a lot, and I mean A LOT A LOT, of people finding us by searching the term "boner shrinker" or "boner shrinker definition".

People, I try to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you need this defined? Are you familiar with the term "boner"? Is it the shrinking part that confuses you? I thought it was pretty self explanatory in the context SNL used it in.

I don't know, we're glad to have you, but the internetz never ceases to amaze me.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


I'm watching an amazing 9/11 documentary on the History channel that was compiled from a bunch of different footage, much of it taped by private citizens.

It's amazing to me that 7 years later, just seeing those smoking buildings brings back the same shock, sadness, sickness, and compassion for my fellow Americans that I felt that day so intensely that I feel like I'm about to choke on it. Just seeing the faces of the people watching the buildings burn makes me want to sweep these strangers up in a tight hug.

Holy fucking sadness, Batman. Still unbelievable, even after all of these years.

Big Brain's House

Mr. Ashley: Whose head is bigger, mine or Big Kid's?
Ashley: Hmmm, I don't know.
Mr. Ashley: What do you mean you don't know?
Ashley: Big Kid's head has always been huge but your head is pretty big too.
Mr. Ashley: Hey!
Big Kid: My head is not big!

Big Kid:(3 minutes later while putting on a hat) OH MY GOD, my head IS really big. How did my head get so big?


I just put 12 more eggs in the incubator. Dirty little mutt eggs too, some even those creepy naked neck things.

I know, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment. Let's just ignore them and act like there is no chance of having chicks in 21 days so that any result other than that is a pleasant surprise.

Boner Shrinker

I was just watching the SNL clip of Tina Fey playing Palin because I knew she would totally rock it (and she did). I LOLed throughout the entire thing, I just love these two. Here's the video:

Of course my laughter attracted Big Kid the laptop predator. I thought he was only half paying attention until the term "boner shrinker" came about, he joined in on my laughter but sometimes he does that even if he doesn't get the joke, but he followed that laughter up with about 14 "boner shrinkers". Of course he doesn't know what it means and I finally just had to declare that he was just not allowed to say it, period, no explanation from me necessary, but I can tell he's stored it away for a later date.

Sorry moms of the kids on the playground.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Ex-Girl Next Store

I don't know how many of you watch Girls Next Door with Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends but we catch it from time to time.

His main girlfriend Holly is super clingy, always playing the wife, really whiny; she's always made me nuts and I'm amazed Hef puts up with her. I just read on The Superficial that she left Hef for Criss Angel. Um, I get not being physically satisfied by Hef and I doubt it was much of a relationship, but this can't be good for job security.

Plus, Criss Angel is an icky man whore.

The Renee

is in Houston and I'm going to be sick until I hear from her.

If anyone that knows her is reading this and hears from her, please let The Closet know.

edited to add: WHEW! The Renee is fine, no major damage, power went out but otherwise is A-OK. Thanks for letting us know, Marcelle!

First Class Street Performance

I know you're all probably sick of links, but my house is destroyed and I just don't have anything very interesting going on lately. I'll think of something.

However, HERE is an interesting article about how the Washington Post put a world famous violinist, Joshua Bell, out on the corner as a street performer to see if people would recognize talent outside of a concert hall.

I thought it was an interesting experiment and found the results pretty fascinating too.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Secrets of a Hipster Hooker
100 free online Ivy League courses you can take...in your spare time.
Underground Lake photos
Slang of the 30s...I don't know why you need it, but I thought it was cool.
Japan's Professional Seducers
Hooking up with a hooker...clearly we have a hooker theme going here, so I'm just going to roll with it. I swear I haven't been researching hookers, I see that it appears that way. Um yeah. Hey look...
A Unicorn!!

edited to add: Why the hell do they call it a unicorn?? Wacky foreigners.

Bloody Mess

Today is one of the days I "work" from home with little kid.

I was finishing up an important email and heard rustling in the bathroom. He's not allowed in there.

I walked in to find him, and everything in that bathroom, COVERED in iodine.

It looked like a scene out of a horror film.

I'm not impressed with his ability to breach baby proofing devices. Not cute, not funny.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Best Advice Ever

Surprisingly, we have a lot of childless people in the Closet. Perhaps they use it for birth control? Perhaps they have so much extra time in their day that they can hang out on the internet guilt free? I don't know why they are here, but we've got them.

I have some advice for you child free people:



But Ashley! Kids bring purpose to your life.
This is true, but until you have them, you don't really realize that you lack purpose in your life.

But Ashley! Kids are so sweet, funny and endearing.
This is true, but there are kids everywhere. Go volunteer at your local school, for heaven's sake. Best of both worlds, you get to laugh at them, have them love you, and go home to peace and quiet.

But Ashley! What else am I going to do?? Kids were the plan for me. Aren't they worth it?
Most days I would say yes. I cannot imagine life without the annoying little mess makers now, but if my life consisted of jetsetting around the world, a chic condo with a housekeeper, and a two door car, could I imagine life without that?

And for those of you thinking that you'll have the jetsetting, the chic condo with a housekeeper, the two door car AND kids---ha ha ha fucking ha. That's cute. Get back to me in ten years and let me know how that's working for you.

Can you tell I just mopped a brand new gallon of orangeade off of my kitchen floor? Take my advice. You'll thank me one day.

edited to add: this advice does not apply to Catfish, only because I want to do her maternity and newborn photos and because the goal of all parents is to make those childless people closest to them know the depth of their suffering.

Things I'm Behind On

--Product Reviews. Man do I suck with these lately. To compensate you all for my suckishness, I'm going to be giving away one of the products--moms of babies stay tuned for that.

--Personal emails. I may not have any friends left. I'm not sure because I haven't checked lately.

--Figuring out what to do about the Too Timid link. There was some confusion, their IT person seemed a little pissy with me, I'm not sure what to do next so I keep putting it off.

--The store. I have had A LOT of problems with the post office just getting samples/stuff from vendors. Now that I'm busy I will probably not be expanding the store, but I will be doing some free advertising for those that worked with me on things instead.

--Writing essay. I was asked to submit an essay about moms who blog for a book Mother Verse magazine is getting published. I need to have this done fairly soon. I'm excited about it!

Okay, now I have to get back to work in a major way, I have big things on my to do list today. I just wanted to let you know what I'm behind on and put up a reminder for myself to get this shit done soon.

Cutting Edge

I just watched a CNN segment about how Sarah Palin's glasses are making her a fashion icon...


Shouldn't Peg Hill be getting the credit for that fashion statement?

Dear little kid's home daycare provider,

Um, I forgot his paci today. I'm sorry. I didn't even realize until I was getting him out of the car.

I feel terrible, but not quite terrible enough to admit it, go back home, and bring you one.

So, I apologize in advance for the kid who won't nap at your house, who happens to be dressed like a pirate today, and has no pacifier.

This is why you make the big bucks.

Sucks to be You,

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Some People Care More

So, I've also been meaning to take a minute and summarize/recap our drama of last week for you all.

I will never, ever leave you all hanging with something like that. My loyalty lies with you but I know in being the awesome friends that you are, that if I need to do something that inconveniences you as readers to make life easier, you'll roll with it knowing I'll be back with the 4-1-1.

So I was posting on a drama-filled thread about Sarah Palin in an online community I hang out in. There was some good discussion happening. There was also a few passionate supporters of hers whose main defenses of their candidate ranked up there with classics like:

1.) You ASSume (fill in whatever you don't want to hear here, regardless of proof)...this is a favorite. It's so clever, calling someone an ass along with insulting them for assuming something. It never gets old, trust me.

2.) You (and/or your whole political party) are crazy/a nut job/baby killers/here's your tinfoil hat/etc. This works for just about any question or speculation anyone may have.

3.) I don't have to answer that and/or "Well, what about Clinton?"

Needless to say, it was an entertaining and lively discussion albeit a frustrating one.

Well, one of Palin's more passionate fans remembered that I had mentioned working for a newspaper  and decided since I worked for a media company, I should be neutral at all times, and that it was her personal responsibility to email my boss and let her know that I have opinions on my off time and that they are offensive to her.

So of course it became a big drama on that site, here, and on another blog about various mama drama (yes, there's enough online mama drama to fill a whole blog...and then some).

Now, the problem with debating with people who are really passionate is that they also have a lot of time to dedicate to their crusades. Like, a lot a lot. A lot more time than your average un-passionate person has to be involved in crusades. Therefore, in the interest of letting three different divisions get back to their work day, even after everyone decided that I was indeed allowed to have opinions on my own time, I decided to just eliminate all conversation about it, hopefully enabling the crusader (and everyone else) to move on to their next mission.

I hate deleting anything, particularly because it deletes your comments automatically and I don't want to waste your time by deleting your content here. Or leaving you to wonder what the heck was going on. So I do apologize for that but it was the easiest solution at the time.

Everything is fine now though. I've got to say that it was really nice to feel such support from everyone. Even people that couldn't stand me thought it was pretty reprehensible to email my boss regarding my personal political opinions and all websites involved were helpful in ending the conversation.

To prevent any further confusion, I've added the following graphic signature to all of my posts there and will probably put it up here soon too:

I think it will help tremendously. I think my intelligence and ability to properly place commas confuses people and misleads them to think that I'm the Tim Russert or Tom Brokaw of parenting forums, when really, I'm just a mom too.

And I'm allowed to be an annoying pain in the ass just like everyone else.

The Competition

I know I owe you all the birthday party post, but I don't have photoshop on this computer and I don't have the copy of the invite on this computer and blahblahblah, but basically not tonight and I don't want to avoid you all until I get around to it.

So tonight was the "meet the teacher" night for the parents. Mmmhmmm. That's right, I met all of the a-holes that were just too busy to check the RSVP box within the two week time frame that I gave them.

I also met "class mom". Oh, she thinks she's hot stuff. I can tell she thinks she's the coolest mom.

Well lady, just because you can coordinate your outfits cutely does NOT mean you'll be the coolest mom in class. First, I don't know how you beat me to the "class mom" position (butt kisser) and second, how are you going to be class mom if you couldn't even RSVP to the first party of the year? Hmmm?

Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not impressed.

You're all really going to love this but I volunteered to be Library Mom. Mwuahahahaha...our county's library system will never be rid of me. Bastards. Right after I volunteered another mom said that she wanted to be library mom and that the day available was the only day she could volunteer. The teacher said she could still volunteer, but she'd more likely be cutting/pasting, assembling projects at that time since we had a Library Mom volunteer already and then the other mom asked why I couldn't be the one who had to do that....because I asked first, lady. Duh. She was also a non-RSVPer, just so you know the sort of people I'm dealing with.

All in all, the whole thing was boring and awkward, but I knew you'd all be curious as to who was competing against me for Coolest Mom of the Year.

Did you bring Zoo Pals plates for snack day?? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bitch.

edited to add the link so you guys can be kick ass moms too. Let's hope Klass Mom isn't reading, we can't let her know my secret.

edited again to add that if Hefty would like to send me some free Zoo Pals plates, that would be pretty kick ass too. Big Kid is available for a spokesperson role. Get a hold of my people.

little kid Works From Home

I just caught little kid in the bathroom stirring up about half a roll of toilet paper, some comet and a bottle of Aquaphor (whole bottle) with the toilet bowl brush (which I'll probably choose to throw away vs. attempt to clean), soaking wet and splashing in a puddle of toilet water.

Yesterday he tried using a marker to paint on some hot pink pants.

and I know his shirt is dirty, he should be wearing pants and he's too old for a pacifier. Oh, and the clown mullet...I know about that too. The kid has white trash tendencies, there's not much I can do about it.

I just noticed he's holding a marble in that second picture. He's NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MARBLES. Where did he get it and where is it now??

Jesus Christ, kid.

(He thought that was his name up until just recently...)

Monday, September 8, 2008


I'm tired and I have 2 sick kids and a headache.

So, please speculate on THIS. I loved it. This is my God.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

English to English

I treated myself to the movie Labyrinth because it was on sale at Target for $7.50 and I love that movie. I'm only into the first two minutes but it has subtitles.

A movie in English with English subtitles? Why??

So freaking annoying!!


I don't know if anyone else likes that Banksy graffiti artist I'm always linking about, but if so, here is a really good article about him and his art.

Yay Me

I just ordered Miracle Fruit Tabs for myself for my birthday. I'm so good to me!

I'll be back later with pictures and party details. I didn't even wake up until 1pm today!! Yeah, I know that's nuts.

Friday, September 5, 2008


Big Kid: You know dose kids in da carts?

Ashley: Carts??

Big Kid: You know, wif da wheels, da chairs dey sit in?

Ashley: Oh yeah, wheelchairs?

Big Kid: How do dey ride in dere carseats? I don't see how dey get da chair in da car.

Ashley: Oh, that is a good question. They take the child out of the seat, fold the chair up and put it in the back.

Big Kid: I see dat one boy ebery day gettin' in his car and he rides in da front, not eben in a seat.

Ashley: Well, I don't know. I guess they decided that was the easiest or safest thing for him. I can't really say without knowing them. You know, sometimes children in wheelchairs have a hard time and sometimes kids treat them differently or don't want to be their friend, and that's really sad.

Big Kid: Mom, he's dest ridin' in a chair. Dere is nothin' wrong wif dat. I'm not talkin' about friends, I'm askin' you about how dey do carseats. Dat's pretty silly to fink people can't have friends 'cuz dey ride in a chair. (giving me a dirty look)

Edited to add:

And by "open a bottle of wine", I think we all know I mean brutally stabbing at the cork with a corkscrew and/or any other instrument of destruction I can lay my hands on until it breaks into a million pieces and allows dribbles of wine to pour out.


Whew. We have family in town who want to go to a football game tonight, so I told Mr. Ashley to take the boys and go since I'll have so much to do to get ready for the party.

But you know what? Instead I might get my jammies on, bring my laptop to bed, open a bottle of wine, watch a chick flick and do NOT A GOD DAMN THING. Not one.

Isn't that a delicious idea?

In all reality, there's not that much that needs to be done and the party's not until 6pm tomorrow. What's the worst that can happen? Who cares?

It's supposed to be fun and I'm starting tonight.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Green Graffiti

You have to click around a little, but it's cool

2600 Page Views

already today. Don't you people work?

Pirate Baby

I think I've mentioned before that little kid can't really talk, but he does say pirate (pie-yet). He LOVES pirates too, he has a great Aaaaargh and whenever he sees a Jolly Roger flag he yells "Piyet! Piyet!"

He also knows pirates are bad, so when I catch him standing on the table or something, and tell him that he's a bad baby, he yells, "I nah baby, Iya piyet! Aaaargh!"

This is pretty big stuff for someone who doesn't really even speak English.


My boss has offered to send me to the Blogher convention in Atlanta. I don't know if any of my fellow blogging mommies will be there, but if you are, let me know! It would be cool to see each other there!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Focus on Family calls for members to pray for rain of "Biblical proportions" during Obama's Democratic National Convention speech...and the Republican National Convention gets curtailed by a hurricane.

You've got to love when God shows that he's listening.


Every year I try to come up with a new solution to the RSVP party issue (issue being that people don't do it). I've tried regrets only, and listing my email address and phone number, none of these solutions made it any easier for people (apparently).

This year, thinking I was the genius of all geniuses, I included a reply card, complete with stamp and address on the back although the parents also had the option of just putting it back in their child's school folder (I didn't even get the mailed invites out, those people ended up getting emails). The card was cute, you checked one of two boxes, the pirate or princess "signed" their name and I also included our "land line" (get it, a land line? Pirates?) and my email address.

Apparently, asking someone to slide a card two inches out of their child's folder, check one box, write their first name, and slide it back in same folder is just too much to ask. Only THREE parents from his class managed to reply. I'm sorry....but there's no excuse for it. Not managing to RSVP when I've made it as easy as humanly possible just means you're an asshole.

There, I said it. I've got a list of the assholes too. No more parties for them, I'm serious.


Does anyone know what phonograms are?

Because apparently I really suck at them. Every day Big Kid comes home all charged up about phonograms and I have a very limited idea of what he's trying to convey (something with phonics and hand gestures). Then he asks me to repeat after him and I screw it all up and he's pissed and we all end up frustrated.

I swear I'm doing a reasonable imitation of what he's doing, but he swears not. Just wondering if we have any kindy teachers in the closet who could educate me.

Maybe it's Phonigrams? I don't even know.

You Damn People

I have GOT to stop working on work and get something done for this damn pirate party and/or get my house to a livable state again. I've done nothing but worry about my new baby for the last two weeks and all of my old babies are suffering.

What the hell was I thinking with this party crap again? Whose fault is this? Oh yeah, yours. Damn you people and my need for material to entertain you with!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Oh Lawd

The insult "You're a baby banana head" has just been issued with venom. little kid was pissed about it too. Apparently that stung.

I gave up on the time out, I could tell that was going to be a bigger fight than it was worth. Yeah, I know, I'm a bad mom. Add it to the list. I just screamed at everyone instead and it's working for now.

WAIT...BREAKING NEWS...little kid just walked out of his bedroom and handed Big Kid the flashlight (it's little kid's flashlight, for the record).

Of course now that I've made a big deal out of this peace offering and what a wonderful brother it makes him, Big Kid is now insistent on bestowing the flashlight back to little kid who isn't interested, and it's really pissing Big Kid off that little kid won't take it.


Big Kid has decided he wants little kid's flashlight and is chasing him around the room screaming and crying while little kid taunts him with the flashlight and holds him off with a plastic shopping cart.

Damn it, the situation has escalated so that I can't even sit here and blog about it. I've got to go throw people into solitary confinement.

Public Speaking

I had to speak this morning at an 8:30am meeting full of sales people.

Of course I was semi-freaking out. Yes, I have experience with speaking in front of large groups, but it's been a while and I'm pretty sure it made me nervous even when I did it regularly.

So I made my outline, wrote it out, revised it, practiced it in my head (WITH the "Hi, I'm Ashley, Head Mom at blahblahblah", like I'm going to forget to introduce myself??) over and over, even in my sleep.

Woke up super early, got myself ready, got the kids up and ready so my mom could get them to school, raced there reciting my speech complete with pauses for chuckles and various voice inflections. Got there in time, but they don't just let anyone "back there" so I had to wait for an escort. They paged him and then paged him again and then wandered around looking for him. 15 minutes after the meeting had started, he finally waves me through the door of an old, small, crowded room full of sales people and says "This is Ashley, everyone. Go ahead."

Um, wait. I was going to put down my purse first. At least not plop it on the table in front of me with papers hanging out and whatnot. I needed some cleansing breaths. I kind of need to go potty.

But whatever, no time for that, so I get started. I start off really well but as time goes on and I'm watching these people watching me (bored people, mostly) my nerves get me and I start talking faster than I mean to. I also shoved the wrong side of hair behind my ear and I know I wasn't looking all MILF-like as planned.

I know it went well and I know it was by no means painful to watch, but I was more nervous than I would've liked. I talked too fast and fidgeted (that's why I made the fucking hair move, damn fidgeting). But would it have killed them to chuckle during the chuckle breaks? Some more smiles while I was making eye contact could've helped tremendously. There were some smiles and some note taking, but I noticed the bored people. Bored people, take note next time you're watching someone speak and try to look alive a little. Then I answered some questions and someone asked how old my boys were and when I answered 5 and 2, they said I should bring the 2 year old next time, that it would be fine if I ever need to.

I burst out laughing at that point and assured them that it would not be fine and he was actually the reason I know how important being able to socialize online can be because it's too risky to take him in public. I can picture him crawling through the seats in that crowded room, drinking people's coffee and going through their purses. Yeah, um, thanks but no thanks. We'll leave that to the professionals.

I have enough issues without bringing my #1 issue to work with me.

So, Executive Ashley needs a refresher course and I'm hoping that was it. All in all I did good though, I'm just mostly glad it's over. How many hours of worry for 5 minutes of talking??

Monday, September 1, 2008

Poor Bristol

Proof that abstinence education doesn't always work.

Time to rethink that strategy.

Go Inside

I'm watching footage of Gustav (Poor Louisiana) and I always think it's so weird that they have the weather people out there in the storm.

I remember during the last hurricane here, seeing their ponchos whipping around their bodies, tree limbs skittering by, an obvious lean and sway to the camera, and the fear on their faces and thinking that it was totally unnecessary.

Seriously, don't risk some dude's life to make hurricane footage a little more exciting for my sake. It's usually exciting enough and being captured effectively on the weathercams or through windows. The people living through it really don't enjoy the added drama of this human element, you're usually freaking out enough without worrying about the local weather guy.

Just thought I'd put that out there before one of them gets killed. I don't really even like to see them getting all wet and being blown around. It's just not necessary.