Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Best Advice Ever

Surprisingly, we have a lot of childless people in the Closet. Perhaps they use it for birth control? Perhaps they have so much extra time in their day that they can hang out on the internet guilt free? I don't know why they are here, but we've got them.

I have some advice for you child free people:

DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Gasp!

But Ashley! Kids bring purpose to your life.
This is true, but until you have them, you don't really realize that you lack purpose in your life.

But Ashley! Kids are so sweet, funny and endearing.
This is true, but there are kids everywhere. Go volunteer at your local school, for heaven's sake. Best of both worlds, you get to laugh at them, have them love you, and go home to peace and quiet.

But Ashley! What else am I going to do?? Kids were the plan for me. Aren't they worth it?
Most days I would say yes. I cannot imagine life without the annoying little mess makers now, but if my life consisted of jetsetting around the world, a chic condo with a housekeeper, and a two door car, could I imagine life without that?

And for those of you thinking that you'll have the jetsetting, the chic condo with a housekeeper, the two door car AND kids---ha ha ha fucking ha. That's cute. Get back to me in ten years and let me know how that's working for you.

Can you tell I just mopped a brand new gallon of orangeade off of my kitchen floor? Take my advice. You'll thank me one day.

edited to add: this advice does not apply to Catfish, only because I want to do her maternity and newborn photos and because the goal of all parents is to make those childless people closest to them know the depth of their suffering.

27 comments:

Charity said...

I am always telling my childless friends and family to never have kids.... they think I'm joking.

philly said...

Yeah and wait till their teenagers !!

Me said...

That is good advice. I will check and see if I can borrow some condoms from Bristol.

Anonymous said...

As one of your childless readers, who has a full-time job, goes to school, and still makes time to check the site daily... I read because your writing is hilarious. And your children are adorable (which unfortunately, doesn't make for great birth control!!). Oh and sidenote - my favorite posts are the ones where you write out your convo's with big kid, so feel free to add more of those if you'd like :)

The Mrs. said...

I am so with you! I think if you don't want them great! They are serious work!

Angela said...

I think I will keep that chic condo with a housekeeper, and a two door car and no kids...

I'll just babysit on the occassional weekend for friends who have kids, spoil them rotten, fill them full of sugar and then send them home after the weekends over! By the time the weekends over I'm pretty sure I'll be the one pulling my hair out not the parent with the sugared up kid.

misspro312 said...

I am one of your childless readers, and my favorite posts are the one with the kids. You are a great birth control method.

Every time I think I want a baby I just come over here and see what little kid destroyed, and know that I like my stuff way too much to let a kid get his hands on it.

I will just live my experiences through you!

Ami said...

Oh how I miss my cute little 2 door car. :)

Lyndsay said...

I am signing up for the housekeeper and the condo. If any of you childless readers would like one, I have one that I am willing to give away at least 50% of the time.

Lindsey said...

AMEN! Remember the days of being able to hop in your 2 door car and not having to bring half the damn house with you?!?!?

Check out my latest blog of my trip to JC Penney's today... I'm pretty sure we are now banned.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

If you don't have kids who will take you to the nursing home?

Kristen Howard Photography said...

I'm totally wrapped up in BIg and Little Kid's world with you...and believe me it makes me really glad that God struck me with the LUPUS and I couldn't bare demons of my own!! That sounds so mean huh? I have a stepdaughter that I raised from age 8 and just finished paying off her huge wedding. So I have served enough time...
PS Love the hot pink pants

TentCamper said...

Some of the best advice I've heard in a long time. I have 6 kids...love them all...but have no time to do anything...unless it involves the kids in some way.

Joy said...

Yea seriously I loved my little two door 5 speed Honda Prelude it was soooo cute. Much cuter than the mini I drive now!

kbear said...

This is my first time commenting and I'm kind of nervous, but I wanted to let you know that I am one of your childless readers. I'm 18 yrs old and in college, and started reading your blog every day about 8 months ago (I started with your very first post). I loooove your writing as well as your honesty, and I hope to God that when/if I have kids of my own (which will be sure to drive me insane--I know, I have two little sisters aged 4 and 1..monsters, but I love them to death), I have a mom friend as cool as you are to keep me sane (or at the very least join me in my insanity).

perfect just like mommy said...

I used to have fantasies about going on drunken cruises with my childless friends into our 40s. Then I got knocked up, and my dreams disappeared. That baby just hasn't been the kind of drinking partner my old friends were. -Lilly

jenn said...

Remember walking out the door with just your car keys and a credit card? Sigh ... now I feel like a freaking pack mule: backpacks, dancebags, jackets, snacks.

News Readin' Wife said...

As a childless reader, I enjoy the Ashley's adventures with big and little kid.
I'm well aware of the Mommy Mafia trying to convince us that kids are swell...
Here's what I have to say about all that:
http://wantedgoodhome.blogspot.com/2008/08/in-depth-report-mommy-mafia.html

Catfish said...

As I was reading this post I was thinking to myself, "ya sure she says that and then her and her Mom are going to hound me about when I'm going to have kids" and then there was your ETA! FUNNY really FUNNY. I do want babies but I do like my 2 door convertible and my chic condo on SoBe...oh the decisions. xoxo

M said...

AMEN to that!!

I have four in case anyone wants to put your theory to test.

I am boycotting all household repairs, upgrades, and decorating until they are all at least in college.

There's no point in even trying before that.

Angry Julie Monday said...

Ha! Totally. I tell people this all the time. I said, I'll rent you an Angry Toddler for a day. You'll never want kids.

I told AT's preschool teacher yesterday, enjoy your daughter now (she's 2 months). Take her everywhere in the baby bucket, cause once she's out of that and walking, all HELL begins.

Melinda said...

Honestly, I think what I miss most is factoring in only real travel time when determining what time to leave my house. I'm always 20 minutes late everywhere because I forget (still, though the boys are 4 1/2 years old) that I need to allow 20 minutes to get everyone corraled and out the door and into their seats. Considering everywhere we go is only between 3 and 10 minutes away...this has seriously messed with my ability to be punctual. That and the fact that I wasted so much valuable time pre-kids--I mean, why didn't I write a novel or run for office? I thought I was so busy--HA!!!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I just spit water all over my keyboard from laughing so hard.

I'm childless, and I teach Sunday School to get my fill thanks.

Jill said...

Honestly, knowing what you know now, would you have kids again? I think I'm in the same boat as Catfish! Lots of pressure; no enthusiasm!

Me! said...

Too funny! Not sure about the whole not-having-kids-ever thing, but I would say that people should seriously limit their litters -- like, 2 max :-)

Life, Love And Lola said...

Child-Free and I love your blog! Send Big Kid my way anyday...You can keep that little one to yourself. :)

Ceci said...

SO! I had a girl friend send me this link because it seems that every time I turn around, one of my friends is having a baby. I told her I felt alone in this world getting more and more full of mommies! Every time I hear of a new person that's preggers, I feel like I want to rebel! I sometimes toy with the idea of starting up a community for the childless, but, honestly, there are a lot of people that just can't STAND kids out there... and that's not exactly where I stand. Being one of the childless is difficult if it's just because... well, politically and socially you just don't see that it works for you. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself! Honestly, I'm a perpetually 15 and I don't think I need to be in charge of a small human being. AND ... and... really... there's so much more that I want to do... and I'll make a GREAT Auntie Mame, seriously!