Saturday, June 30, 2012

Like Magic

About 10 minutes after I wrote that post, a friend of mine called and invited me to go see Magic Mike with her and some friends.

The socially awkward penguin inside of me is trying to tell me that we might not like the strangers, and 4pm is a weird time for a movie--but the Summer crazy person inside of me is choking and kicking the penguin and reminding it that we wanted to go see this movie with some friends and we were invited and to shut the heck up and go.

And that it will be cool. And dark. And quiet-ish.

And that Matthew McConaughey's butt will be on a 40 foot screen.

So I'm going to go. 


Summer Blues

I've only been alone for 3 hours since school got out. For a hair appointment Thursday. This small house, the impossibility of keeping it clean while we're in it all of the time, the weather which is either too hot or rainy, the lack of free indoor things to do, and the constant noise/requests/fighting are starting to make me completely crazy.

Every day is exactly the same. With cleaning, working out, and mediating fights (and I hate all of these things). Throw in some extra kids and a few outings and it really doesn't help that much. And laundry, oh sweet baby Jesus, the laundry.

Mr. Ashley is on call a lot, so I can't even escape when he's not at work. He's kayaking today with some friends which is nice and all, but I've only been in my own kayak one time since I can never get away. Summer is more difficult money-wise too, so affording the occasional sitter for the sake of my mental health just isn't feasible and everyone I know is busy.

I just had to shout from the rooftops that I'm going crazy over here. How am I lonely when I'm literally never alone??  I'd gnaw off a finger to go see Magic Mike with some girlfriends.

Or just to sit somewhere quiet alone for a minute.

Sunday, June 24, 2012


I have my kids halfway convinced we're going to drink corn juice today.

I've been talking about how I've rinsed off all of the pieces to the Jack Lalanne juicer, and how I've bought and washed a ton of corn. I've told them about all of the vital vitamins and nutrients found in corn juice, and how it makes the perfect breakfast really.

This has been going on for two days now.

They're equal parts amused and horrified and although skeptical, they don't know why I'd make something like this up and are concerned that I might actually serve them corn juice.

(Cold corn juice, I promised, with ice cubes made of corn juice so as not to dilute the juice.)

I don't know why I'd make something like this up either.

THIS is why I couldn't convince them we were surprising them with a Disney World trip that time. Poor kids. I might actually have to make corn juice so I feel less mean now.

Saturday, June 23, 2012


Today on the way to a birthday party, little kid kept tormenting Big Kid in Target. (We are last minute present buyers).

I told him to knock it off and that he had to behave if he wanted to go to the party. Then he started stomping around with his hands on his hips.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"I'm s'posed to be havin' a fun day, my brudder's bein' mean, I've got you all pissed off at me, I--"

"WHAT did you just say??"

"Nothing! I didn't say nothing!"

"I KNOW what you said! Shame on you!"

"Was it a bad word?" he asked, feigning innocence.

"You know it was!"

"I don't know! I'm just a 5 year older! I don't know which words are bad!"

He's so full of it.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt though, since we drove 45 minutes to get there and we were going to get to see Brave.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Pointless Activity

I wish I liked working out. I just don't.

I like the thought of it, the results of it and Lululemon clothes, but I hate every second of the actual physical exertion.

And I'm more active lately than I've ever been in my whole life, so it's not like I'm not trying. For a while there, my friend and I were walking/jogging 3-4 miles on the beach 3 or 4 days a week and kayaking and stuff. Exercising at the beach was moderately more acceptable but not because I like the exercising, just because I really love the beach. But now it's too hot and I have the kids all the time.

So I've been doing Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 . It's hard and she's as annoying as ever, but it's only 24 minutes or something, so as soon as I get to that "Fuck this!" point, I'm already halfway done. I'm currently on the 3rd day of week 3 and I'm starting to think I won't actually be ripped in 30. Which is a huge disappointment (and I think lawsuit-worthy). I'm at my goal weight and just want to get toned so I thought that Jillian may be telling the truth with this 30 day time frame, but my before pictures look surprisingly like my current self.

Mr. Ashley says my "shape is changing", but I think he's just a liar who's trying to encourage me so I don't quit. He can't fool me, I'll quit if I want to!

I'll give it 10 more days but I better be nothing less than ripped by then, she promised! I am stronger but screw being stronger, I want to look good.

I even quit Coke. And I love Coke.

(But I didn't quit wine. I kind of blame wine. I also blame the other moms in my city--it's an incredibly fit, good-looking bunch. They should just chill a little so we can lower the bar. Bitches.)

Friday, June 15, 2012

Go to Haiti

There's been a lot of fighting this summer, so far it's my only issue. And I don't want to say it's all little kid's fault, but it's safe to say that it's at least 90% little kid's fault. He truly enjoys upsetting his brother, it's a recreational past time for him.

I feel for Big Kid but I'm also tired of it from both sides.

"I hear you, Big Kid, but you're also going to have to man up a bit, you know? He LIKES to make you mad and sad, so don't give him the pleasure of letting him make you mad and sad, just ignore him. I know it's frustrating, but this is the brother God gave you and you'll have to learn to adapt." I explained, in an effort to get out of parenting little kid properly.

Big Kid was furious, his face red and eyes watering, "God did not give him to me!!! The devil sent him straight from Haiti!!!"

"Do you mean Hades? You can just say hell."

"I'm not comfortable saying hell, I like saying Haiti instead."

"Okay but Haiti's a whole different place and little kid isn't from there, for sure."

"I'm saying that God didn't send him, the devil did, I shouldn't have to say hell to say that."

"Yeah, you don't have to, but don't say Haiti either." Even though it's pretty close to hell.

I weaseled out of the Skunk Ape expedition because I had a headache and because the Skunk Ape will be just as likely to be there the week after next. Next week the big one has camp and the little one has vacation bible school (Jesus help scare the Haiti away, please) and miraculously, both are scheduled for the same time and dates which means a little taste of freedom for me!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Little Things

Today the kids were blowing bubbles in the front yard and little kid said, "If you followed the bubbles, they'd take you to God," in a simple, matter-of-fact way.

It was a really nice moment.

He can be sweet.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Summer aka The End of My Freedom

Summer started!

So my fun free time ended!

Just kidding, I'm still liking it so far (it hasn't even been a full week yet) but it is a lot more work for me. And the beach is a whole different deal with kids. But whatever, first world problems. I think I'm just so happy not to be packing lunches or rounding up homework that I can deal with more noise and fighting and requests for games of Uno.

(I've started letting them win, just to minimize my pain. I know it's not a good life lesson but I figure I'm not doing it to boost their confidence, only to get out of more games of Uno, so it should be fine.)

I got roped into throwing Big Kid's class party since our stupid room mom had the audacity to move, and that was the disaster one would imagine an Ashley-organized class party to be. I brought 17 blown up beach balls for the 3rd graders to decorate and sign...that they destroyed school property and created general chaos with.

I may not have thought that one all the way through, but the good news is that I probably won't be asked to organize any more class parties. When the teacher thanked me, I could tell it was sarcastically. She's retiring this year and if she could have shoved us all out the door prior to dismissal, she would have, there was NO sentimentality there and I think my beach ball plan was a big part in that.

Oh well, the kids had fun and it was their party.

She got a cake.

So now we're working on the summer bucket list and this week I get to go out to the Everglades in the muggy, humid heat in search of the Skunk Ape (a mythological creature that some weirdo made up. I've met the weirdo, so I feel very confident calling him that.) little kid wants to know what our plan is if the Skunk Ape finds us instead of us finding it--which is a very good question.

My plan is to run.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Body Swap

"Mom, I have some rules to follow this summer."  little kid announced.

"Rules about what?"

"Summer safety rules."

"Oh no, bro.I'm having a risky, daring, adventurous, awesome summer. I am NOT following rules," said Big Kid.

"No! No! There are rules to follow to stay safe, bro. Water rules and stuff. If you get hurt, you're all out of fun for the summer. I saw a video about it."

"I don't care. I'm not doing it. How can you have an awesome summer with RULES? I'm not letting a video RUIN my summer."

"Dude, Coach Raymond told us these rules! This is serious! You HAVE to follow the rules!"

"Coach Raymond?? Are you kidding me? He's a maniac! He made us play golf with plastic clubs, that part, okay whatever, but for balls they were tennis balls. He's a lunatic. He's going to give me rules? FOR THE SUMMER, yeah right. Nope, not doing it."

"You don't even know the rules! Rules about swimming? You don't need rules about swimming? You don't need water safety rules, bro? Everyone needs summer safety rules, the top safety patrols in the world made these rules.."

"No! It's Sum-MER. I'm not listening to any teacher. What two words don't go together, little kid? Risky and summer safety rules. It's four words, but still. I'm awesome and this summer will be awesome."

"MOM?! Does he have to follow my rules? He does, right?"

"Well, I don't know your rules. I think general safety guidelines are good but I like risky too. Let's do safe and risky! Like, we'll learn to surf and search for the skunk ape but safely." I tried to compromise. (Mostly because I have faith in Big Kid's level of acceptable risk taking...he could amp it up 20 notches and I'd still feel safe. Homeboy is nothing if not safe.)

"It makes no sense," he argued. "You can't have both. I'm not following the rules. Coach Raymond is NOT my boss."

"I think you're kind of overreacting, Big Kid. You don't even know his rules." I pointed out.

"I don't NEED to know his rules! I won't even hear them."

"Fine, bro, I'll just let you get hurt? You wanna get hurt? Go ahead and get hurt!"

It was just like all of those movies where people switch bodies.

"I'll do what I want. You're not my boss." Big Kid answered defiantly.

"I'm keeping you safe! I am telling you! You WILL follow the summer safety rules," He screamed.

And then, in order to uphold the summer safety rules, little kid punched Big Kid in the back and pushed him into the table.

And the body swap had clearly ended and I was forced to get more involved.