Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thankful List

Things little kid is thankful for:
His teacher
Our dogs

Big Kid was pretty upset not to be included. "I ranned out of room. You was gonna be under corn," little kid explained.

(That didn't help much.)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


"Thanksgiving is when the pilgrims and the indians sailed to America to eat turkey togever waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the 1980s," said little kid.

"Haha, no, like the 1600s."

"Whatever, I just knowed it was a long time ago."

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Make it Stop

Breaking Dawn is the last of the Twilight series, correct?

And then I can be done hearing about it everywhere all of the time? Please?

I am counting the seconds until it's over. I'm hoping 2012 can be a mostly Twilight-free year.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Bad Coat

The other day at Target, I saw a cute red fitted coat as we were walking out the door and I stopped to try it on.

"How do I look, Big Kid?" I asked.

"Like a fat woman in a red coat," he answered with a smile, without skipping a beat.

"Big Kid!! I am NOT fat! And you don't call people fat. Especially me. I'm not fat, Big Kid."

He laughed. "I just don't like the coat. I was kidding."

"That's the un-funniest joke you could ever tell a lady! This coat is not my size, by the way, it is too big. That's the problem, I am not the problem," and all weekend I teased him about calling me a fat woman in a red coat and how I may have to find a new oldest son since mine is so awful.

Today I dragged him to the Target across town and was delighted to find the coat in my size. This time he knew to stand there quietly while I hopped over to the mirror and tried it on.

"I a fat woman in a red coat," I said sadly once I buttoned it up and assessed the situation.

Big Kid cracked up laughing. "I told you so!" He tried to compose himself and added, "But you're not fat, mom, it's just a bad coat. But I did tell you so," he was hardly able to hide his smirk. "Fat woman in a red coat" he whispered to himself while laughing.

Why did he have to be right? I like always being right and I really (thought I) liked that coat.

Friday, November 11, 2011


I am ready for Kris Jenner and her harem to go away now, please.

She pimps out her kids, she cheated on her former husband, she's a liar, she's annoying, she raises the type of people who get married for 72 days for publicity, she spelled several kids' names wrong for the sake of keeping everyone in "K"s and she's mean to Bruce.

Her claim to fame is having married a rich guy and having had a child with an exceptionally large ass. She's made an empire from these 2 events.

Did anyone see when they were in Bora Bora and Kim was having a tantrum because her room was too big and was covered in flowers? Whenever I'm making fun of assholes (not just the Kardashians--anyone) I whine at Mr. Ashley, "This room is too big! There's flowers everywhere! Waaaaaaah, my room is too big!!" and I think that's the only decent thing that's come from the existence of this family.

And don't even get me started on Kourtney's manchild, Scott. He reminds me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. I believe he's a sociopath (even more so than Kris).

The Kardashians make me miss the Hiltons. It's that bad.

Monday, November 7, 2011

If you love him...

Big Kid is in the Family Fun costume contest for his Mr. Fredericksen costume. I know these are annoying, but he would love to win and all you have to do is hit "like", so it's pretty easy if you are so inclined.

If you are not, I understand (but no more funny Big Kid stories for you, then!)

Mr. Fredericksen from Up photo 

HERE is the link!

edited to add: If it influences you any, tonight he finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia. All of them! That's loveable and like-worthy.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Humpty Dumpty

While watching me paint my nails on the back porch, little kid stacked up all of the cushions and created one precarious pile on top of one of the porch benches, which he then climbed so he could sit on top.

"If I fell off a here, I'd crack my head open," he announced.

"Yes, you might." I answered, just trying to paint my freaking nails.

"Then would I die?"

"I don't know, I could maybe take you to the hospital and they could sew your head back together. But that would hurt. I would just get down."

"You'd have to take me to a 'opsital 'cuz you can't sew, right?"

"Right. Not someone's head up."

"But...not at all, really. Right? You's can't sew a dress," he sounded kind of sad or maybe disappointed in me.

"Right, I can't sew a dress."

"So you can't sew at all."

"No, not really."

"So, I'd have a better chance of dying 'cuz you couldn't sew me up and would have to drive me to a 'opsital? A better chance than someone's mom who sews."

"I guess so. That's why you should get down."

"I'm thinkin' you should learn to sew. My grandma can sew."

"Maybe you should live there, she could sew you back up if you fell."

"I'm just gonna get down from up here. You could probably sew if you tried."

Probably not.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

First World Problems

I woke up this morning to a terrible ruckus in our kitchen. I knew everyone else was sleeping and it sounded like things were being banged around and moved. Having just fallen asleep after watching the first four episodes of American Horror Story, I decided that most likely someone was dismembering babies on our kitchen table so I did what any sane person would do and ran right out there (naked, I might add).

It turns out my hedgehog, who has been free-ranging on the back porch but had to come in last night because of the cold, was wearing a tiny plastic cup on his head and was burrowing through his shavings and running into the sides of his bin. This would have been hilarious had I not been cold, naked, scared and tired, standing exposed in our open living area, hoping no scary baby-dismemberers were lurking in the shadows waiting to claw my face off. I thought I would rescue Reggie by removing the cup from his face, but he flipped it back over and put it right back on, obviously using it as a helmet. I took the cup away so I could go back to sleep and he proceeded to turn his food and water bowls over in protest.

Happy to be back in the warmth of my bed, I tried to fall back asleep but the country club next door started its daily, 6:00 am-ish, county noise ordinance-breaking, morning landscaping and I laid there freezing and resenting their humming and buzzing and Reggie's food bowl rearranging.

Then I started coughing and couldn't stop, followed by throwing up from said coughing, followed up with the worst Dunkin Donuts coffee I've ever had (it may have been poisonous) and now my laptop cord has completely stopped working and I'm using the dregs of my battery to entertain myself while stuck in bed sick.

I think getting my face clawed off at the break of dawn by a baby-dismemberer would have been a quicker and possibly even less painful start to my Saturday.