Monday, November 29, 2010

Bad Friends

"Big Kid, you need to find a friend in your class! Someone you can be silly with and laugh with and have over to play," I said on the way home today.

"Yeah, but mom? All the guys in my class...they like, like, naked lady drawings and cursing and stuff."

(In 2nd grade?? WTF! These little heathens!)

"Oh...and you don't like those things?"

Mo-om! No! They say things like the c-word--"

(Oh Jesus, no! Homeschool, here we come)

"--and like the HS word and the HC word..."

"Um, wh-what is the HS and the HC word?"

"Holy shit and holy crap."

"Oh! So the c word is...."

"Crap. And Isaac drew a picture of a naked lady! They think that stuff is funny. I just like simple silly jokes."

"Wow. Goodness."

"It was a naked lady peeing."

"Oh my! I'm so sorry you had to see that..."

"Yeah, don't worry about it too much--luckily, Isaac is not a good draw-er; it was, like, mostly a stick figure with 3 legs and pee comin' outta the one extra leg. I don't even know if Isaac has ever seen a naked lady..."

"Okay, well we will just keep looking for a good friend for you."

A good Amish friend or something.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Community Christmas

This is the weekend where we put up our Christmas decorations.

You know how I know that?

Because no less than 6 different neighbors told me at my garage sale last weekend that this is the weekend that we ALL put up our Christmas decorations and they made it pretty clear that participation was not optional and delays would not be tolerated.

I apparently moved into Dr. Seuss' Whoville. People take city trolley tours through my neighborhood to see the lights and buses full of nursing home patients are brought over to gawk. I mentioned having a Christmas party and a neighbor told me to forget about it and to forget about leaving my house after dark for most of December since the traffic is terrible. Good times!

On Christmas Eve, everyone gets paper bags and candles and goes down to the community park to fill the bags with sand they truck in and then we all line our driveways with the luminaries. Isn't that nice? I had 3 different neighbors mention the Jewish guy 4 blocks away who refuses to participate since he doesn't celebrate the light of Christ. Not a popular fellow. I'm going to guess that being too lazy to bother would make us social pariahs.

So, Mr. Ashley will be out there putting up Christmas lights with everyone else. I also have to call Neighborhood Mom today because she is intent on our children playing together--which is nice and all but it's a bit of a problem that I can't ignore her calls because she knows I'm here because she can see my car from her front window.

I don't think I'm neighborly enough for this Leave it to Beaverland. I might even be the grinch of our Whoville.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Mission Accomplished?

Philosorapter has an excellent point here and this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

Thanks to the terrorists of 2001 we are now subjected to unconstitutional searches via the TSA (who have never caught a terrorist, let's not forget). We have also fought against freedom of religion by protesting the construction of a mosque and we've given up untold amounts of privacy in the name of protection. Our economy has collapsed, thanks in part to two worthless wars and everyone is so busy pointing fingers at each other and screaming that no one can even remember what we're fighting for or about.

And where the hell is Osama Bin Laden??

So...who is winning again?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Turkey Day

I hope you find yourself with lots to be thankful for. 

And if you don't, I hope you at least have lots of leftovers. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Jack Ass

Today at pre-k drop-off the director pulled me aside and asked if I was available December 15th because little kid had been chosen for a special part in the church's Christmas program. She told me I could get back to her later but to let her know if we couldn't as soon as possible so they could choose a replacement. She handed me an envelope and said more information about the part was inside and sort of indicated that I should keep it on the down low. I told her we would be there and was more excited than I should have been about my little star, already picturing him as Joseph or an angel.

(I was Mary in my preschool church Christmas pageant and recently found my Joseph on Facebook.)

When I got into the parking lot I stopped beside my car and opened my envelope to see that little kid was chosen to be...


...a donkey.

LOL. I don't blame them for not trusting him as Joseph; it would be tragic if Baby Jesus was thrown into the congregation for some crowd surfing.

And by tragic I mean the most entertaining church Christmas pageant in the history of church Christmas pageants. 

Oh well. I know he will make an excellent donkey; donkeys don't listen to anyone and pretty much do whatever they want, just like little kid.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Links to Do

Not ignoring you guys, I'm preparing for a garage sale. And a nerd herd meeting. And out of town guests. All in the same week!! Aren't I fun?

Remember how at my last garage sale that woman spit at me for not giving her an armload of designer baby clothes for $1? How could I resist good times like that??

Here's some stuff to keep you busy in my absence:
(You may have seen some of these because my link organizational system is all out of whack and I have no way of knowing what I've shared with you before. Do me a favor and pretend it is all new and exciting!)

Christmas wish list for wives
Stuff you can build
You're not deep
The Party
1st photo of a person ever taken (1839) (I think he's rather dashing)
Nick Jr. vs. MTV
Get over it
Letter to Santa
This is a theatre. The stage changes every 2 years. Looks like more fun than a garage sale and house guests!

Okay, I'm off to shuffle garage sale stuff around so that the house appears clean for the nerd herd meeting this afternoon. Think of me as you eat bon bons and lounge on your respective sofas.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Simple Genius

Big Kid, bless his big sweet heart, is in second grade now and is still clumsy with shoe-tying. He just takes forever and since our time in the mornings is limited, I often just do it for him so we can get it done right the first time and get moving. He favors Crocs and what we call his Hef loafers (we leave Hef out of it when he's around, but they are some pimp-ass shoes) so his feet don't get squished, but I'm sure it helps that he doesn't have to deal with tying those two pairs.

But lately I realize that he needs to get more proficient with the shoe tying, so I've been making him wear his Vans and having him tie them himself. Yesterday I told him to tie his shoes while I finished getting dressed. I walked back into the room and was angry when I saw him sitting on the couch without shoes on.

And then I saw his perfectly tied shoes sitting neatly beside him.

He had tied his shoes, he just didn't put them on his feet first. He also had his socks on wrong--this has been a problem for years now. Big Kid is baffled by socks. Yes, he can tell you the gestation period of kangaroos, what month and year the original Super Mario Bros came out and has been making a master list of homophones for fun this week...but that stripe across the toe, gray patch at the heel business? It's too much. It's up there with zippers; the concept just completely eludes him.

When I pointed out the error of his shoe-tying ways, he was so chagrined that I couldn't even feel frustrated about it. He had indeed tied his shoes--maybe it was my instructions that were the problem.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


People, this nerd herd coaching a team of children of any kind--these are bad ideas. (But we knew that, didn't we?)

Don't get me wrong, I'm starting to love them as individuals (most of them). I am very proud of what they're doing (it is so creative and funny). They just drive me freaking crazy!!

The chair scraping and table slapping and random noises and boyish mischief and girlish drama and talking over one another and raising hands in the air and then shaking them around and going "OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OHHHHHHHHHH!" while waiting for me to acknowledge all just drives me completely bonkers. (And this is after we let them run around outside for 15 minutes!)

And that's typical kid behavior, that's not even when people are misbehaving.

Add the frustration of the challenge itself, which is that they must do this on their own and I'm only there to guide them by asking questions, and you can understand why at one point of today's meeting I was literally banging my head on the dining room table.

I have one precious little kindergartner with strawberry blond ringlets and huge blue eyes and dimples, a perfect cupid's bow mouth and a baby lisp, always perfectly dressed and crowned with a hair bow that matches her outfit. Today she had her head in her arms and kept asking, "When we gonna be done, Miss Ashwey? Pwease can we be done now? I so tiyud."

I think we're all tiyud of the script writing process. We have one more script writing meeting until the rough draft of their skit is finished and then it's GOT to get easier and more enjoyable.

Because if it doesn't I'm going to have to move and change my phone numbers and enroll Big Kid in another school. Maybe under a different name.

Monday, November 8, 2010


 It's that time of the year where we listen to Ashley complain about the time change and how very tired she is and how time seems to go by super slowly, especially around bed time. I woke up way too early today!

So, here's some Halloween pictures instead of the biannual joy of me bitching about what time the sun rises and sets:

Harry Potter and Buzz Lightyear. 
 I made these witch's finger cookies. It took me a long time. They were almond shortbread cookies with strawberry jelly holding the slivered almond nails on. The kids hated them!! They were delicious though.

I made creepy touch boxes with witch's warts (raisins), Frankenstein's heart (Jello jigglers), vampire fangs (slivered almonds), troll skin (wet onion peelings), zombie brains (jello brain mold) and evil eyes (black olives). The kids didn't like this either. Big Kid wouldn't touch any of it and asked why anyone would stick their hand into a dark box that may have body parts in it. (FOR FUN?!?)

Other than the boring kids ruining all of my big plans, we had a great night. We had a lot of fun people over, went trick or treating, and then projected a movie onto the front of the house and partied while the kids sat in the yard and ate candy.

I'll probably do it all over again next year, minus the kids.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Everybody Look!

little kid made his first prison shank. 

It's pretty good! It even has a nail embedded into one side of it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Mexican Dude

Oh my goodness, people. I have been so busy but I knew I had to post this ASAP.

Look what came home in Big Kid's school folder today; it is 2 pages from his book about how to ride a Razor scooter (click image to enlarge):
Please note the cursing Mexican dude in the illustration...


I laughed so hard that it became a choking/gasping sound that made little kid come running because he thought I was crying.