Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Snack Attack

I was going to do the official Christmas wrap-up so that we could move past it already (even though Christmas was great!) but once again blogger is being crappy about sharing photos, so you get a little kid story instead.

The other day he asked me, "Am I fat, or skinny, or just a little bit chubby?"

"You're perfectly healthy," I answered,"You just need to keep being active and eating healthy foods and you'll stay this way."

"Well...actually...I'm wantin' to be a little chubby so I'm thinkin' I  need more junk food."

Nice try, little kid.

He also has an excellent manipulation tactic where he'll ask for something outlandish like, "Can I have 6 cookies?" and I usually reply with "NO!!! Absolutely not! You may have ONE cookie!!" at a time where I would normally just say no to cookies. Something about throwing a number out there makes me respond with one. He's a natural born negotiator.

God help us all if he goes into law school or politics.

Friday, December 23, 2011


"What are you going to ask Santa for?" I asked as we waited in line to see Santa.

"A dinosaur, a book, Legos and a bike!" little kid said.

"A bike? You don't need a bike."

"I wanna bike."

"But little kid, you have 2 bikes. Santa doesn't have room in his sleigh to bring people who hardly ride their bikes a 3rd bike."

"Look, don't you worry 'bout it. I'm gonna get me a bike. It's between me and Santa and I'll get me a bike. You'll see," he said with determination.

Yeah. We'll see alright.

Big Kid can't give Santa any suggestions, saying he has everything he needs and he just wants Santa to surprise him, because Santa should know better than anyone what he likes.

Yeah. He should. But it doesn't mean he wouldn't appreciate some suggestions.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Psycho Scott

Remember how I said Kourtney Kardashian's manchild reminded me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho?

Bret Easton Ellis (the author) thinks so too! and wants him to play him in the movie remake. I hate to see that tool get a job but I love being right.

Great minds think alike!

(Or Scott just really does resemble a murderous, social ladder-climbing sociopath that much).

Naughty or Nice

Harold Hubert Piggybottom has been busy around our house! Big Kid thinks he's not as much fun as he was last year but I pointed out that Harold is older, more mature, and may be running out of ideas. Maybe he doesn't want to be a messy troublemaker anymore, hmmmm? Maybe he's tired?

I'm tired, I could see how he would be worn out.

Anyway, here are some of Harold's antics:

Harold made himself a Lego bed and covered himself with a piece of felt little kid drew on earlier in the day and brought some popcorn and Christmas DVDs. Nice! (if you look all the way to the right, you'll see where little kid wrote his name on my coffee table. He insists he didn't. Someone also wrote "dad" at the same time, so Mr. Ashley is also a suspect.)

Harold brought wind-up pooping animal toys into our manger scene. On this same night, he drew on the kids' photos. I was really upset until I realized he used dry erase markers and I do think poop jokes (especially around the baby Jesus) are inappropriate, but I eventually decided the photo graffiti was funny. The kids were upset and offended over their mustaches and demanded I erase them. There was even talk of requesting a new elf next year because that was just so wrong. Naughty.

Harold bowled with friends. The kids were amused by the tiny bowling set. Nice!

Harold zip-lined through the house. Kind of annoying because I was almost decapitated by his zip-line more than once, and I'll need a ladder to get the tack out of the window sill. But mostly nice.

Harold sang Christmas carols with our tree angel. Nice!

Harold brought hot chocolate and made marshmallow snowmen. Everyone liked this! Nice!

Harold brought little bitty donuts!! How amazing and adorable of him! little kid insisted on eating one even though I pointed out that maybe elves have germs or maybe the donuts are stale, but he said they tasted like donuts. Nice!

Harold went on a sleigh ride. He's also wearing a crown, not sure what's up with that. Nice.

And then, after a big search for Harold, we found him in the freezer with another little elf!: 

We were super confused about the new elf and I was irritated they used all of the ice cubes because I don't have an ice maker. It's like living in a third world country. They also threw little marshmallows around and all of my ice tasted sweet. I say naughty, but the kids voted nice.

They seemed to be friends because they had a campfire the next night:

They even roasted marshmallows. (Elves seem to love marshmallows.) Nice! 
 We still didn't know who the little elf was, but the little punk helped toilet paper our tree the next night: 

Naughty! And a waste of toilet paper, which is a precious commodity around here.  It looks like Harold is throwing up gang signs at us. What's his problem?

The next night they were on my computer. I don't really like people (or elves) on my computer. They had googled some pictures of santa's village, reindeer, and elves. They also left a video for Big Kid, which was a huge relief because Big Kid had himself absolutely convinced that he was on the bad list (which is clearly completely irrational because I can't even think of the last time he was in trouble). There was a video from Santa and they ran his name through the nice/naughty machine and he came out nice. I cannot even begin to describe the visible joy and relief on Big Kid's face. Poor guy. Nice. 

And now we're back down to one elf. Em was over the other night and saw our elves and although she had her game face on and didn't cry or pout or show any visible signs of distress, I could tell she was a little sad not to have an elf of her own. I mentioned this to the boys the next day and said her family hadn't managed to get signed up for the elf program and that I planned to help them next year but felt a little guilty that we had 2 elves and she didn't have one. Before I could even finish, they both simultaneously said, "Let's give her one of ours!" without as much as a second thought. So we dropped our new mystery elf on her doorstep and they never wavered in their decision. I was proud of them for it and it left me feeling Christmas-y.  

She ended up getting a letter from the North Pole explaining that there had been a mix-up because she was staying at our house during the time of the elf placement census and her elf's name is Jakob Jingle Giggleglitter. She had suggested we name the little mystery elf Jake, so it's even more magical that it ended up being his actual name! Christmas magic! Nice!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Reginald the Hedginald

I know I owe you all Harold Hubert updates and pics but I just don't have it in me tonight. Maybe tomorrow?

As a consolation prize, I give you Reggie the Hedgie, straight from his bath:

And tomorrow you'll get 90,000 Harold pics. Or 15, minus how many days you've already seen.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Better Not Pout

"Kyle's mom said Santa wasn't real," little kid said about one of his kindergarten classmates.

"Hmmm. Weird."

"Why would she say that?"

"I don't know. Maybe they don't celebrate Christmas."

"They do."

"Well, then maybe she didn't sign up to have Santa come...or maybe she was a bad girl when she was little and didn't get any gifts and is still mad about it."

"Maybe so."

Thanks, Kyle's mom, and you're welcome.

Reading Between the Lines

Big Kid caught a glimpse of the new blog header over my shoulder and asked to see it. After he admired the look and checked again to make sure I was kidding about my empathy for baby-eating hamsters, he asked if he could read a few posts. I let him read the last few G rated entries, mostly things his brother has said.

"Mom, this is hilarious!" he said, with genuine laughter. "Oh my god, so funny. Hey, mom? Will you teach me to be funny? Like, to write funny blogs?"

Beaming with joy, I tried to enlighten him, "Of course I will! You are very funny! You just have to write casually, like the way you speak and you have to look for the funny angle in every situation. Just start getting your thoughts down on paper--"

"No, I mean the spacing."

"The spacing?"

"I think the spacing is what makes you funny. Like, the paragraph breaks? Can you teach me that?"

"The...spacing? Makes me funny?"

"Yes, you have to teach me how to do that. Please!"

 The spacing makes me funny. The empty space between my words is what is so amusing. My talent is in the blank spots.

Seriously?  ಠ_ಠ

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Sun and Moon

I was going to update you all on Harold's antics but Blogger doesn't feel like uploading pictures, so I guess we won't! Maybe it will be in a better mood tomorrow.

Yesterday little kid announced, "The sun is not a planet, it's a star! A real bright one!"

"Right! It's actually a ball of gas. Did you know even if the sun wasn't hot, astronauts still couldn't walk on it because it's not a solid, it is a gas. It's also not that the sun is so bright, it's that it is so big. That makes it appear brighter," Big Kid said.

"Yep. And then the sun that's a star goes down and the moon goes up and it's night!"

"Actually the sun doesn't go down. The sun doesn't go anywhere, the earth travels around the sun. So, the sun stays in one spot and the earth spins around and around and that's why when we are waking up, children on the other side of the world are going to bed--because they are facing away from the sun," he continued.

"Wait--are you tellin' me the sun doesn't go down? For real?"

"No. It just appears that way. It's really the earth's rotation that makes us go from day to night. So right now it's night time for us, but that's because our side of the world is facing away from the sun. As we turn back around it will become day."

"That's....that is....wow. That's amazing. Do other people know this? Because it's blowin' my brains thinkin' of it."

Mine too. It's incredible to realize all of the awe-inspiring things that happen every single day that are beyond my scope of appreciation.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Harold Hubert Piggybottom Returns

Look who we found tangled up in the carport yesterday morning!

 Harold Hubert Piggybottom, the same naughty Christmas elf we got last year. I was hoping we'd get the nice type who baked cookies and cleaned the house, but no such luck.

He came with the following letter:

(This was the letterhead, I'm scanning it in for you):

Season’s greetings!  Thank you for your participation in the Elf Live-in Foster Service (E.L.F.S). You have been assigned Harold Hubert Piggybottom for your second consecutive year.  Since you reported good behavior from Harold, it was determined that your family was a positive fit for him and we appreciate you welcoming him into your home.  You are obviously a good influence because Harold exhibits some minor behavioral problems while at home in the North Pole; he has recently been moved from the toy workshop to the reindeer stables after a near disastrous incident with the bouncy ball making machine.  Luckily, he is better with animals than he was with tools.  (Note: You may want to secure all power tools and heavy machinery for the duration of his visit.) Anyway, we were delighted to hear of his good behavior during your visit last year.

But despite his mischief,  as you know, Harold is a good elf with a good heart and he does love Christmas. Please remember not to touch Harold or he may lose his magic, and don’t forget that he will not perform magic when being watched.  Santa will collect him on Christmas Eve and will leave your E.L.F.S. experience survey at that time -- your honest input is important so we can continue to make appropriate elf placement and evaluate each elf’s participation in the program.

Happy holidays and enjoy your elf visit.

Joyfully Yours,

          Bristol Pinelin Treebright
         Chief Elf Officer of E.L.F.S.

(The kids lied about his behavior on the survey last year, because it wasn't that great.)

Last night he painted a Christmas tree (we think because ours isn't up yet) AND he got the glitter out. NO ONE touches the glitter. No one. Not even me.

And yes, that is a tree frog in a paper towel paint smock there in the corner. I don't understand it either.

I think it's important to be honest on the satisfaction survey so we can hopefully get a sweet housekeeping elf next year, but the kids love this little troublemaker and I might be stuck with him forever.

Work Out

"I've got to go to the gym tonight," Mr. Ashley said.

"Don't go!" said little kid.

"I have to go to be healthy. If I don't go, I'll get a fat belly."

"I want you's to have a fat belly."

"You want me to have a fat belly? Why do you want me to have a fat belly?" Mr. Ashley asked with a smile.

"Because then I'll move in on my mudder. I'll sleep in the big bed and you's sleep in the little bed and I'll be the hubsand."

"You're a total creeper. I'm going to the gym."

(And he clearly thinks I'm shallow!)