Sunday, September 30, 2007

Mad Cow Gets Smacked Down

This morning I was playing "Mommy the Mad Cow" where I chase the kids around and MOO angrily. Big Kid ran up to me looking genuinely pissed and punched me in the leg.

Ashley: WHAT?! Why the heck did you just punch me, Big Kid?

Big Kid: (loud and angry) BECAUSE YOU ARE A NASTY COW.

I know I shouldn't have but I had to laugh. Really hard.

Also, let me mention that Big Kid is learning how to be a real boy in this damn Jewish school of his. He is suddenly wanting to "smash" everyone and karate kick and stuff. Well, I taught him the karate kicking, but the rest of the "playful" (but painful) kicking, hitting, punching, slapping, aggressive play is all their fault.

I knew I should have kept him sheltered.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Have We Screwed Up?

Mr. Ashley: We have to watch what we say around Big Kid.

Ashley: Why? What makes you say that? (praying he hasn't said fucktard)

Mr. Ashley: I'll have to tell you later, he's listening.

Ashley: Spell it.

Mr. Ashley: He said we s-c-r-e-w-e-d u-p our computers.

Ashley: Screwed up?

Mr. Ashley: SHHHHH!! Don't say it.

Ashley: Is that wrong to say? I don't think that is wrong to say.

Mr. Ashley: I don't think it's right.

Ashley: I think you're wrong. I think it's fine.

Mr. Ashley: I don't know.

Ashley: It's better than "fweakin'".

Mr. Ashley: Yeah, that's not so great either.

Spa Day & Date Night

Well, it turns out I don't like facials. Unfortunately I did not discover this until I was laying on a table, covered in hot wet towels, with a paper mask on, hot steam enveloping me and a small Mexican woman digging holes in my face. Holy panic attack, Batman.

For some reason, the whole thing made me unbelievably claustrophobic. Mr. Ashley always laughs when I call myself that because I sleep completely (head and all) under a down comforter every night of the year, but put me in an unairconditioned elevator and watch my heart thud out of my chest while I struggle to breathe.

At first the hot towels felt good, but then they just felt wet and heavy and like they were trapping me. The steam blast is definitely what sent me over the edge. In an attempt to calm myself, I tried to do my Hypnobabies hypnosis visualization and breathing...but that was hard to do when I felt like I was drowning with every breath.

The lady must have sensed that I was ready to climb out of my own skin and run from the building screaming, because she threw in a really nice upper body massage. That sounds kind of pervy, doesn't it? It was just my back and arms and face and neck really.

English wasn't her first language and when she was getting me situated in the room and telling me what to take off she said, "And if you could just bare your breasts for me". LMFAO. She meant for me to take my shirt off and put a little towel wrap thing on but I wanted to say, "What are you, Howard Stern?" but figured she wouldn't get it or appreciate it anyway. Or maybe she really was hoping I'd show her my ta-tas? Who knows.

By the way, why didn't any of you advise me against letting someone poke at my face before a night of wanting to look pretty? I looked better going in than I did coming out.

Then I got my mani/pedi. For the record, any of you in this industry, I generally don't want to talk. HOWEVER, if we do talk, I definitely don't just want to talk about you the whole time. Everyone please take note: when in conversation with another person, if they ask you a question in an attempt to learn more about you or just to avoid awkwardness, it is then your turn to ask a question back. Don't just go on and on about yourself and your smart kids and your boring life. I have smart kids and a boring life too and I like to talk about them.

My Bordeaux red fingers and toes looked fantastic!!! For about an hour and 20 minutes, when I mistakenly assumed they would be dry and I jammed my toes into my 4 inch BCBG super sexy dinner heels (called dinner heels because I can only wear them if I'll be mostly sitting down) and smeared off most of one toe. DAMN IT.

Oh well, I looked great if I do say so myself and we had a fantastic night at a super ritzy restaurant and then went to a really fun bar for a Bailey's Banana Colada which they didn't even charge me for since it was my birthday!

Then we came home and...well I'd tell you but Mr. Ashley would blush. Let's just say he owes me a double cheeseburger. BECAUSE CHEESEBURGERS IZ GOOD!!!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Why Would You Sell Yourself for a Double Cheeseburger?

Well, in honor of my birthday, my computer decided to undo whatever miracle recovery had occured and it bit the dust. I'm going to leave it off for a few days (Waaaaaaah!) and hope it miraculously recovers again, but this is unlikely.

This doesn't mean you won't hear from me, it just means I'll have to sneak onto Mr. Ashley's computer and fight with him about what is more important...his work or you all. The correct answer is you all. Sometimes he doesn't think so though, so you may hear less from me (but maybe not, you never know, I am persistent.)

My birthday was lovely. There was a lot of napping and wine and not much taking care of the kids. Mr. Ashley and the boys got me one hour of studio rental and one hour of personal instruction with a photographer I really admire. I've taken classes before but I'm all about personal instruction, aka all eyes on me aka I get to talk as much as I want. Cool, huh? He's been listening!!

Big Kid drew me a picture of a cake with MOM written on it and Happy Birthday written underneath it. It was so freaking cute. I am so proud of that kid. Can I brag for a moment and tell you all he's doing 2nd grade math and making graphs of the ages of everyone in our family for fun? He is something else. Unfortunately my math skills only go up to around 2nd grade, so let's hope he doesn't learn too much more.

For dinner we went to Uno Pizza with my parents and brother. My mom got me a monogrammed shower curtain and towels (I LOVE THEM!) and some Bento stuff. Included in the Bento stuff is piles of weiner cutters. Whose life could be complete without penguin shaped weiners? I love them. Also, my guest bathroom is sorely in need of a makeover and this is a huDge start on that, so yay mom!

Today I'm using a spa gift certificate I got for mother's day to treat myself to a Vitamin C facial and a mani/pedi and then we're using a gift certificate that The Renee got me (VERY generous of her) to one of our favorite restaurants!! I'm really super excited about today. I can probably even talk Mr. Ashley into letting me nap some more. Man do I love a good nap.

Some random observations from yesterday:

Maury Povich: How does this man sleep at night? How does Connie Chung sleep with him? It's just embarrassing. An actual clip from an upcoming show about promiscuous 14 year olds (isn't every show about paternity, slutty kids, fat kids or transvestites?):

Maury: You sold your body for a double cheeseburger? Why would you sell yourself for a double cheeseburger?

Slutty teen: BECAUSE CHEESEBURGERS IZ GOOD!! (punctuated by a chicken head sort of dance move)

Mr. Ashley and I have probably recreated this scene 50 times since seeing it and break down into gut busting giggles every time one of us does it. I guess I should thank Maury for adding this gem to our family lexicon, but I'm too busy being embarrassed for him.

Corey Feldman: Was he in every single movie in the 80s? I was watching Gremlins yesterday and couldn't believe he was in it. I've often said that Dakota Fanning seems to be the only child star in America, I guess Corey was it for the 80s. They had Drew Barrymore too though. I guess we had Haley Joel Osment for a little while, 'til he turned into a drunk driving, pot smoking mini adult. Don't they all?

For the record, Gremlins is really not appropriate for a 4 year old. I had forgotten that until he was hooked but I had a lot of explaining to do. They are violent little fuckers and I totally forgot about the mom putting them in the blender and the microwave.

Big Kid: How tum she is cooking dem?
Ashley: Um, they're just playing.
Big Kid: Dat seems wrong. He should not have that chain around her neck, dat is not good playing.
Ashley: No, no it isn't, is it? How about we watch Oprah?
Big Kid: How about not?

Speaking of Oprah yesterday, I try not to get political here, but GO MICHAEL MOORE! I LOVED seeing that insurance commisioner squirm. You are WRONG beyotch, and you know it! The health care situation here in America is just horrendous. Robert Gates wants $190 BILLION for 9 more months of this neverending, pointless war? That would insure our whole country. As someone who is having to decide between continuing her health insurance coverage (we're small business owners, no group policy) or continuing to send her kid to pre-k (we don't qualify for voluntary pre-k, however we also can't afford what we're doing now but it is our only option), I am just appalled by how my tax dollars are being spent.

Here is a short, easy to understand video by the Ben and Jerry guy that adequately explains where our money is going. If I'm going to be riled up about it today, you should too:

DO NOT even get me started on Dubya, that deserves it's very own blog but then I'd probably be tracked down and audited or arrested or otherwise punished for speaking out against President Pumpkinhead. So much for not getting political huh? This has turned into quite the potpourri post. From birthday gifts to Maury Povich to child stars to health care to federal spending to Bush bashing.

I'm going to end it here and hope that Maury has the Hamburgler Prosti-tot on today. I hope you all have a kick ass Friday! I will think of you as I'm being pampered!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Guess Whose Birthday it is?

The one, the only, your favorite....

Cards generously provided by Carol Lee Designs. Check her out, her cards are hysterical. She made my week with this gift!

So party like it's my birthday, because it is!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ways To Waste More Time Online

A link for FREE Oregon Trail

and a really funny Mastercard parody. The word blow job is mentioned, so beware.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Young People These Days

The other day I was thinking about the text messaging trend sweeping the country these days. Don't ask why I was thinking about text messaging. Maybe because I currently have no cell phone? Possibly because it takes me 10 minutes to compose a text message?

Damn, I'm old.

I'm officially old enough to annoy kids by telling them how bad I had it when I was young:

For example, remember pagers? What a bunch of shit that was. You call me and leave a number, possibly one I won't recognize unless you include a special code, and sit and wait for me to run around and find a phone to call you back on.

Remember old school text messaging? Entering 07734 so the recipient could turn it upside down and read hello? 143 for I love you? That's as steamy as it got. There was no sexy camera phone pictures or text message sex. Text message sex...can you believe people do that? Who has the time? Or that many hands?

How about rewinding things? The other day Big Kid wanted to watch a VHS tape and couldn't wrap his little mind around what could possibly be taking so long. VHS tapes and music cassettes SUCKED ASS. They always got screwed up, they were annoying to deal with, they're too big and bulky, and rewind and fast forward just aren't efficient enough. Oh and there was no rewinding live television. If you missed it, you just missed it.

We didn't have Ipods. We had Walkmans with headphones that had big scratchy ear cover things that often got lost or chewed up somehow. It was very difficult to maintain cool hair with these pieces of crap strapped to your head. And do you even know the effort that went into mixed tapes? Versus just making up a playlist on Itunes and downloading everything? It wasn't even illegal back then.

Speaking of hair, hairspray and a curling iron was a requirement in the life of a teenage girl. You know how much Aquanet it took to get bangs to stand up that high? Too much. Big bangs are probably a huDge factor in this whole global warming problem.

We had no internet to write our papers, solve our science fair projects or email our teachers late night questions. When we got internet, it was dial up. Oh the horror! Do kids today even know the sound of a modem? There was no Sims games, we played Oregon Trail. Yeah, try to protect your family from dying of diphtheria or drowning, have a great time!

Game systems? Does Atari even qualify? Remember blowing into the Nintendo cartridges and jamming one in on top of the other just to be able to play? NOT BEING ABLE TO SAVE YOUR GAME?? Man, that pisses me off just thinking about it. Talk about unfair.

Hypercolor shirts? Please grope me so you can see your hand print. Z. Cavaricci's? Pleats are bad, you can't convince me otherwise. Button Fly Jeans??? Man, how it sucked to be doing the pee pee dance and trying to unbutton those suckers. Or trying to rebutton in cold weather. Jams? The whole decade was hideous.

There were no portable DVD players to amuse us on long trips. We had to amuse ourselves by hitting our sibling for crossing the imaginary personal space line or reading until carsick.

Cartoons came on Saturday morning. That's it. There weren't Cartoon networks. There weren't whole channels dedicated to the amusement of kids under 6. There were probably only 6 channels. We felt lucky when we got 50 channels, these brats have 500 (and still nothing to watch!!). At one point, we didn't even have a remote control. There was no such thing as DVR or dictating what you'd watch when (unless you could program your VCR and no one could).

And the music these you know how hard it was for a 5th grader to get her hands on 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny"? An N. W. A. tape? Don't get me wrong, I remember Katy and I listening to "One & One" behind some bushes at Tommy Joe's house, but it was a mission. Kids these days have it easy. It's harder to avoid it than it is to find it.

I'm turning 29 on Thursday, so I'm not that old yet but it is funny how quickly things change. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was carrying around my blue pager and excited by cutting edge technology like AOL. Well, at least I'm not 30. Or God forbid 35. (Yeah, I know I just pissed off lots of you. Tee-hee).

By the way, if anyone wants to send me a token of your love, for my birthday or any day, I gladly accept Coke Codes (found on the cap or on the front flap of the box of any Coca Cola products). Just comment me with them and I will use them and reserve a little piece of my heart for you. I'm also available for any money making opportunities. I think I mentioned that before, but it's worth revisiting.

(And we all know 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40, so don't be mad. I don't want the over 30 crowd to withhold their Coke codes from me.)

Sunday, September 23, 2007

You Are Special

I don't think I've told you all that the little kid is showing signs of "quirky-ness" (is that a word?) just like his big brother. I thought my chances of having two neurotic kids were slim, but the little kid is fixated on belly buttons. His, mine, yours, toys, the dogs', whoever's. I'm not speaking of a casual interest, I'm talking hardcore fascination.

If you look closely at the Disney Tabblo, you'll see several of him mid-poke. He is constantly lifting his shirt with one hand and jamming his thumb or pointer finger into his navel. It's like a comfort thing, he just digs around in there constantly. I'm not kidding when I say that this happens several times an hour. If I put him in a one piece outfit, his little hands tear at his clothes and try to sneak in from the top or bottom to reach the belly button.

It got really red at one point and we started to wonder if it was red because he was poking it or is he poking it because it's red? So we asked his pediatrician and he said it would be very unlikely for a child this age to have a quirk like this and that it seemed unusual so to keep the belly button extra clean and covered in Neosporin for a week.

Honestly, I didn't really bother because I think his desperation to get to other people's belly buttons rules out any physical problem he's having. It would be just like me to have an advanced quirky kid and I hardly ever listen to my pediatrician because I need to find a new one anyway. I can also tell by the visible relaxation on his face when he does dig around in there that it is just something that he enjoys.

So we pretty much just let him indulge himself. I don't think this is the sort of thing he'll still be doing when he's 30. That's pretty much my compass on whether or not to let something slide, will this be a problem for a 30 year old? God, can you imagine if he was still doing this at 30? Hitching his shirt up with one hand and digging around in his belly button with his thumb? LOL. Let's hope I'm right that he'll outgrow this. In the meantime, I dress him in 2 pieces, let him poke mine within reason, and read him the Belly Button Book. My MIL bought this for him for his 1st birthday and it has become a family favorite. It's just too cute and for us, it is very relevant.

She bought the Big Kid Puff the Magic Dragon around the same time, which was also pretty relevant for me and Mr. Ashley back in the good old days. This is a gorgeous book. The illustrations are really pretty and it is so fun for me to sing the song. Probably not so fun for the kids to hear me sing the song since I pretty much sound like a cat being swung around by it's tail, but I have fun and that's all that matters. It came with a CD too. I haven't listened to it yet because I'm lazy like that, but it was a great gift to get. We are overrun with kids' books, but these 2 were welcome additions.

While we're on the subject of children's books, You Are Special by Max Lucado is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites. It would be hard to pin me down on my favorite, because I adore all things Dr. Seuss, I love Shel Silverstein, and Goodnight Moon holds great sentimental value, but this book makes me teary eyed and gets me feeling philosophical every time. It is a beautiful story. My aunt bought this for the little kid for his Christening and it was such an appropriate and beautiful gift. It's wonderfully illustrated and tells a great tale with a meaningful message.

Much to Mr. Ashley's chagrin, Big Kid's new favorite is Pinkalicious. It is a super cute story about a little girl who eats too many pink cupcakes. It was written with a lot of imagination and is a really fun book. I saw on the Bargain Board that someone had given this book as a gift, in a pink mixing bowl with a box of cupcake mix, frosting and a mixing spoon (or something like that). Isn't that a cute idea??? I am definitely stealing it. I may do themed gift baskets based on other books too, I can think of lots of cute things and I love giving books.

Have I mentioned that I wrote a series of children's books based on a character named Toothy McCurlicue? That's what I used to call Big Kid. They are genius, if I do say so myself and if I wasn't one of the laziest people alive, I'd try to get them published. If there are any children's book publishers out there, get a hold of me, would ya?

I still owe you all that required reading list to be my friend. A tip for you all: I am very bad at following through. I don't mean to be, I'm just easily distracted. So if I tell you I'm going to do something, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to do it. I could just do it now, but this post already seems too long. I'll do it soon, I swear.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Photoshop Is Our Friend

No wonder celebrities look so good!! This must be the same person who does Mariah's work.

Warning: Scantily clad woman involved, probably not appropriate with small children or nosey coworkers around.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Shofar Shogood

Who knew The Jews were taking another half day today? Not me. Not 'til Ms. Sharon called to ask when I would be picking up the Big Kid. Oops.

Luckily, Mr. Ashley was right down the road and was able to get there before it became hugely embarrassing. I told her I had no idea it was a half day while I was apologizing and she pointed out that signs are all over the school. I hope she realizes Mr. Ashley is the one who has been picking him up and dropping him off lately (not my fault).

She was nice about it though. She's always threatening to take the Big Kid home with her and he's always sitting on her lap or they're holding hands, so I'm guessing she didn't mind 15 more minutes in his adorable presence.

He came home with a "shofar". I have no freakin clue if that's spelled right or supposed to be capitalized or what, but I'm just going to go with it. Apparently it is a horn that they blow to bring in the New Year. The more I learn about the whole Jewish thing, the more I really like it. I would convert but Mr. Ashley thinks it would be weird to be Irish Jews and that this is just another passing fancy of mine. I really like all of the history and traditions and holidays and stuff and they are all just so nice.

Anyway, the Big Kid's shofar (I looked it up and I was right) was a squiggly construction paper thing covered in glitter with like a duck call sort of thing stapled to it. It was cute and all but there was glitter EVERYWHERE. He loved the "sprinkles" though, so I guess glitter is just a fact of life, but that stuff is a pain in the ass.

He blew his shofar all the way home and all the way through the corner store. He had the following conversation with the clerk:

Corner Store Lady: That's a nice horn you have there. Let me hear you blow it.
Corner Store Lady: Hmmm. What's that all over it?
Big Kid: It's just spwinkles.
Corner Store Lady: Sprinkles? Wow. You sure are handsome. I bet you're married or you have a girlfriend:
Big Kid: (Looks at shoes.)
Corner Store Lady: You got a girlfriend?
Big Kid: Yeah
Corner Store Lady: I knew it! What's her name?
Big Kid: Emmers.
Corner Store Lady: Emmers?
Big Kid: She's just my Emmers. QUAAAAACK.

How cute is that? Other than the obnoxious barking quack sound. He was wearing a shirt that said "Ladies Man" which makes the whole thing even funnier, in my opinion. Yeah, he wore that to Temple school today. Is that inappropriate? I wasn't sure. I don't really see what the Jews would have against a ladies' man.

Anyhow, I hope they don't think I'm a bad mom because I can't keep up with their crazy schedule. I'm sure there's a calendar somewhere in those piles of papers they send home every day, but how on earth am I supposed to keep track of all of that? I hope the fact that I make kick ass Bento lunches and have the world's smartest and cutest 4 year old excuses the fact that I may occasionally forget to pick him up on time or that sometimes I dress him like a mini pimp.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

So Far Today

I have helped assemble, cook and eat 20 imaginary crabby patties with vegetables and ketchup and I've had to hold the end of an imaginary measuring tape so that the Big Kid could measure "some stuffs". Tucking the end of the imaginary measuring tape under my leg doesn't work either, I have to physically hold it while he measures. He also keeps telling me his imaginary measurements, maybe I'm supposed to be writing those down or something? I don't know.

And Mr. Ashley wonders how I don't get anything done...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Pirate's Life For Me

So, now that I'm over the whole Disney thing, it's time to start planning the next big thing...Halloween! I LOVE me some Halloween. I love the decorations, I love the costumes, I love the whole ordeal.

In the past, I would grab a twin sized sheet for a toga and a slutty disco outfit and head down to Key West for Fantasy Fest where I would drink, do drugs, ogle naked people and party like there was no tomorrow. Nowadays, I wrestle a small person into an uncomfortable costume of my choosing and head over to Hallelujah Night at the local Baptist church. My how times change. (sob, hiccup, sob)

Well, now I'm feeling all depressed and my zany costume ideas don't seem nearly as much fun as the matching swirled velvet bell bottom and mini dress/pimp and whore outfits Mr. Ashley and I used to wear (I was the whore, in case anyone was confused). Next time we went I was going to be the St. Pauli Girl...and now I'm realizing that there will be no next time and on the off chance that there is, it probably won't be pretty.

Wouldn't this have been perfect, though?

Holy crap I would have been a goddess in this outfit 5 years ago. Probably not appropriate for Hallelujah Night with the Baptists, huh?

Someone buy this and let me live vicariously through you, k? I know some of you have got it going on and will probably be shouting Hallelujah for other reasons on Halloween night, so go ahead and get this Bavarian Maid costume. It's only $50 at Costume SuperCenter. Maybe I should get it for Mr. Ashley's birthday (for me, not him). That would mean binge dieting though...which I really need to do anyway. Hmmm...

So anyway, back to Halloween. I had a couple of great ideas. One of the girls on one of my boards has an adorable picture of her son in a Cozy Coupe ride on toy that has been painted to look like the Geek Squad car. I wanted to do that and dress the little kid in black slacks and shoes and a white, short sleeve button down shirt with a black tie and Geek Squad tie clip. At some point Big Kid said he wanted to be a box, so I was going to let him be a computer box or a computer. Wouldn't that have been funny? I also wanted to do Curious George and the man in the big yellow hat. However, the Big Kid actually has a request this year and he wants to be a pirate (yawn, unoriginal). I have nothing against pirates. The thought just doesn't have me jumping up and down. Now if I got to wear this:

Then there just might be some jumping up and down. However, at $120 this one is a fantasy on a few different levels. (once again Costume SuperCenter, this one is called the Sexy Pirate Captain, original name, isn't it?).

They had all kinds of sexy pirate costumes, but once again, because of the Baptists and the whole kid-friendly holiday thing, I will have to most likely wear something boring. What about MY Halloween? When did IT stop mattering? Sigh.

So anyways, I'm thinking maybe the little kid could be a parrot? I'm going to turn their wagon into a pirate ship with sails and treasure spilling over the sides. I want the little kid to at least be something halfway interesting. I saw some cute home made parrot costume ideas here and got it into my head that I could just whip something up myself but every time I try to convince Mr. Ashley of that he is strangely silent.

Just a onesie, a hoodie, some leggings, some felt, scissors, heatbond stuff and an iron, right? Maybe some feathers and hot glue? How bad could it be? I think he's picturing open wounds, 3rd degree burns, feathers stuck all over me and me sobbing the night before Halloween. He thinks I should just buy this:

Meh. It's only $21 and it's pretty cute but it doesn't seem to come in little kid's size. I really do think someone could make a much cuter one, the question is whether or not that someone is me.

I also have to figure out what exactly the Big Kid is going to wear. I don't know if I want a store bought pirate outfit, or to mix and match things or to beg SMIL to make me something or what.

What if I go through all of this trouble and those little punks decide to not wear anything on their heads? Big Kid says he'll wear a hat but he never usually will. The last two years he has had pajama costumes because of last minute meltdowns. A glow in the dark skeleton pj set from Gymboree and a Dash Incredible uniform pj set from Disney. I was hoping to stay away from the whole hat thing (yeah right, because the monkey/man in the big yellow hat thing wouldn't involve hats, right? Excuses). The little kid won't wear hats anymore either. These damn kids, they sure know how to screw up a good time.

What are you all doing for Halloween? Have you even thought this far ahead yet? If you get anything from the Costume Supercenter, you can get 15% off any costume $35 or more! So that's at least something. Does anyone have faith that I could pull off the whole parrot thing without the little kid looking like a furball?

I could do it, right? Right?

An Ashley Vacation

I'm back! We had a great time! Well, as great as a time one can possibly have with 2 preschoolers, but all in all, they were great. They had an amazing time and this is something they will remember forever (and I'm guessing they'll forget the fighting issues and sharing wars long before we will).

To kick off the trip, I had one of the most mortifying experiences of my entire life, compliments of little Miss Emawee. We had stopped at a Wendy's on our way to Orlando and one of the employees had a really obvious lazy eye. Sure enough, Em starts yelling, "Ashley, look at her eye! Look at it! It's all weird!" As I stand there in panicked, stammering shock she continues. "Do you see it? Are you looking at it? Look at her eye, look at her eye." Of course 10 minutes later I thought of 900 better ways to handle it. But I think I just hissed "SHHHHHH!" and dragged her away. I recounted the tale to LK and she said, "Damn. I'm really glad I didn't have to deal with that." LMAO. Thanks.

Luckily we got to the hotel soon thereafter and I was able to put the whole incident behind me, but I still cringe when I think of that poor woman. Damn kids. Anyhoo, the hotel was amazing. We've stayed at Pop Century before and I'm pleased with it every time. It's all just so Disney. Everything is larger than life, everyone is so nice, all of the amenities are so fun. We had adjoining rooms and the kids spent all weekend racing from room to room, jumping on beds and snuggling down together at night.

It was so sweet to see them together. They'd go from duking it out and being forcibly seperated to Big Kid crying "I want my Emmers. Where did my Emmers go?" He saw this $70 gorgeous castle playset (that happened to be sitting next to a kick ass pirate playset) and he begged me to buy it for his Emmers. When I told him it wasn't happening, he asked if he could use his Disney dollars because his Emmers would really love a present like that. Bless his little heart! Still wasn't happening.

We were at Magic Kingdom from 9am to 10:30pm with no break and all of the kids did well. Don't get me wrong, they had their moments, but I'm pretty amazed they made it that long. Lunch at Cinderella's castle was a good long midday break and the food was delicious. The princesses were all great with the kids and took a lot of time with them. Cinderella talked to the Big Kid about how delicious his lunch would be and how she would rather just have ice cream but the Fairy Godmother makes her eat her veggies first. Big Kid ate all of his veggies and showed Fairy Godmother his muscles and she told him how she makes Cinderella eat her veggies so she'll be strong and smart. They gave the boys swords and the girls wands and all the kids got magical wishing stars. We also got a free 8 x 10 of our meeting with Cinderella. It was a wonderful experience and completely free with the free dining plan we had gotten.

The dining plan included more food than we could possibly eat. We ended up with two extra meal credits and so many snack credits that we ended up getting a ton of souvenir type snacks to bring home. Our whole day at Magic Kingdom cost us.....$2.50, the cost of one Coke from a Coke machine on our way out of the park and it never even gave us the damn Coke. Big Kid was pissed and yelled, "It stole our fweakin' money. I can't believe it stole our fweakin' money." Magical huh?

While we're talking about the Magic Kingdom, can I ask Disney to find a more magical way to get people out of the freaking park? Because the Stroller Stampede is not so magical. Neither are the ferry boat or monorail lines. Oh, and fat people in rented scooters? I don't consider you to be handicapped. Maybe you are, but I have very little pity for you. And yeah, I know, I don't know the whole story, blahblahblah, you could have a perfectly good reason for weighing 500lbs and being unable to stand on your own 2 feet for 10 minutes at a time, but you're not entitled to special treatment in my opinion.

When I got back to the hotel I was feeling pretty handicapped myself, but I was also convinced that I must go swimming. So at 1:00am, LK, her Big Kid and I talked the boys into watching the brats (who were STILL awake) and we snuck down to the deserted pool. That had "POOL CLOSED" signs surrounding it. We really struggled with this moral dilemma but then we figured there has to be asshole guests at Disney and it may as well be us. We started off quietly, whispering in the corner of the pool, heads barely above water, hatching plans to hide underwater if anyone tried to confront us. After 3 Disney employees walked by with obviously turned heads, we began floating on noodles and eventually even played some volleyball. Other people quickly followed suit, some fully dressed in their street clothes which was weird. We figured if security confronted us, we'd just blame it on those freaks.

The next morning we had the character breakfast at Chef Mickey's. It was so fun, we had more character interaction than we knew what to do with. I had the following conversation more than once:

Ashley: Big Kid, stand up and pose for a picture with (insert character name here).

Big Kid: No.

Ashley: Please, I just really want a picture of...

Big Kid: Mudder, no. I told you no. I just need to be eatin' my bweakfast and stuff.

Fine. Whatever. It was a kick ass breakfast, so I see his point.

Later that night we did Chip & Dale's campfire singalong (the chipmunks, not the dancers) and the next day we did Fantasia mini golf and Downtown Disney. A great time was had by all.

Here are some photos for your enjoyment. Let's remember, Rule 1: don't be a freak and do anything weird with my pics. Rule 2: Don't forget to subtract 10 lbs when you see any photos of me. The camera clearly adds at least that.

Edited to Add: The new version has no photos of me or Mr. Ashley. Mr. Ashley (aka Party Pooper) isn't thrilled about posting photos online and didn't want pictures of either of us, especially him, up. If it was up to him I'd take the kids' pics down too, but I've convinced him it's too late unless I take all of the photos off of my blog and I'm just not willing to do that. He doesn't read this (still!), so I could lie and say I did it, but I'll let him win this small battle as far as his own photo goes.

(I *may* have accidentally left a photo of myself on because I'm sloppy like that. I'm not saying I did, but if so, it wasn't on purpose)

Friday, September 14, 2007

See You Later Alligators


(for like the 25th time in my life, but still, I'm excited, it's freaking Disney World!)

Think of me!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I'm Invisible

Well, my computer officially bit the dust and is not sitting at a repair shop right now. I'm not happy about that one bit. This means you won't be seeing the little kid's toilet paper extravaganza or the Big Kid video before I go.

I'm super busy packing and cleaning (read: sneaking onto Mr. Ashley's computer to check email and talk to you) so I don't have a lot of time to post. I'm going to do something out of character and post something inspirational and uplifting for us moms (read: slaves) today. I got this in my email this morning and it helped put things in perspective (no more guilt over little kid playing in the toilet). If you don't do the whole God thing, just skip over that part. It is still very relevant.

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated, but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the
return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous
trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of- style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, Mom!

See, wasn't that nice to think a happy thought for a moment? All of those lovingly made Bento boxes DO matter. And those days that I do Mickey D's for dinner don't matter. It's all about the big picture, and making your own people and sending them out into the world is a pretty monumental accomplishment. Unless your kids end up being serial murderers or crazy freaks, but what are the chances of that?

So be good moms this weekend and do something special with the brats, I won't be around to entertain you anyway so you might as well. Get drunk and play Candyland, it's almost fun that way.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Anyone who has their own blog, please comment me with your blog address and then you all can read each other's stuff while I'm gone, because I have some seriously funny readers and I've been meaning to update my blogroll for a really long time now and it ain't happenin' before I go.

For those of you who don't have a blog, please start one. It is fun and therapeutic. Don't be as funny as me though.

I'm leaving Friday but will publish any comments submitted by late Thursday night so you can all have some weekend reading. I will be back late Monday. I know you'll all be counting the minutes.

Selfish Pays

The conversation I had with my salon last Friday:

Ashley: Hi Judy, this is Ashley! I need an appointment with Tracy next week please.

Judy: Next week?

Ashley: Yes.

Judy: Hahahahahahahaha. Yeah right.

Ashley: No really, I forgot to call.

Judy: Well, it's not going to happen.

Ashley: Then just put me on the wait list (bitch) and let me talk to Greg.

Judy: Okay, good luck with that.

Greg the cool gay guy: Hi Ashley! What's up?

Ashley: Greg, I need an appointment for next week.

Greg the cool gay guy: We're all booked, didn't Judy tell you that?

Ashley: Yes, but she was mean to me and I know she doesn't try as hard as you do.

Greg the cool gay guy: Nice try Ash.

Ashley: Greg, I'm going on a Disney vacation Friday and I'm having lunch with Cinderella and I'm wearing a tiara. I CANNOT have roots for that. Don't punish my hair for my forgetfulness.

Greg the cool gay guy: Ohhhhh, fun! Yeah, you're right, you can't have roots for that.

Ashley: See?

Greg the cool gay guy: I'll call you back in 2 minutes.

Ashley: You rock.

Greg the cool gay guy: Ashley? I got you in for next Friday at 1:00pm.

Ashley: Waaaah! I'm leaving on Friday.

Greg the cool gay guy: Jesus, Ashley, there are only so many hours in the week.

Ashley: I know but can't you make more hours?

Greg the cool gay guy: Let me check. You're something else, you know that? I'll call you right back.

Ashley: You rock.

and guess what? Today at 2:45pm I get my hair done!! HaHAA! It never hurts to ask (read: beg), says the selfish attention loving weiner gobbler. AND it's free because of the hair class thing I did. SCORE!

I'm feeling guilt-free about the whole Disney trip since we paid for it last April and free dining is included. For 3 nights at a Disney resort with one day at a park and meals included, it was less than $600 for my whole family. SCORE!

We rolled all of our change for spending money (Ghett-o) and we have $420 some dollars!! SCORE!

LK and her Big Kid Kaylin and I went tiara shopping the other day and used 50% off coupons at Joanns, so my beautiful tiara was only $12! SCORE!

However, I'm still bummed because computer is pretty much a done deal. I have been moping around here like I've lost my bestfriend (essentially I have, haven't I?) and I *think* Mr. Ashley is starting to feel a little bit bad for me. I hope so anyway. He said something about dropping it off to the computer repair guy before we leave and I really, really hope that happens because I do not want to come home to no computer. I will have Post Disney Depression I'm sure, and I'll need you all to help me through it. If worse comes to worse, I may have to take Deb up on her generous offer (how cool is she?)

As I have been typing this, the little kid has been in the bathroom unrolling a roll of toilet paper. Charming, huh? I took a photo and hope to upload that and this cute video Big Kid made with his awesome new V.Smile camera if my computer cooperates.

Now I'm off to clean and pack. I swear.

Dear Sarah Silverman,

I have to say, I always thought you were funny. I like Jimmy Kimmel and always thought you'd be a fun couple to go out for drinks with. I can relate to a questionable sense of humor and I have been guilty of making Britney jokes in the past (find me someone who hasn't, really), HOWEVER, your performance at the VMAs was REP-RE-HENSIBLE.

First of all, it's pretty much like making fun of a mentally retarded person at this point. I can let that slide though because others are doing it and we all know that it is okay to do something if others are doing it. However, calling her kids mistakes?? NOT COOL. We all know that. We've all thought that (or something along those lines). But to say it on national television? Skanky.

Also, while we're on the subject, you had a joke along the lines of them being as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of. Let me clear up that both kids were elective C-sections. As someone that actually had to push kids out of her va-jay-jay at an unscheduled time with no hair/makeup or optional tummy tuck included, I feel like it is important to make sure we aren't giving her credit where none is due.

Can I also go ahead and say that you weren't really that funny, even aside from the Britney thing? Pretty amusing to watch you both bomb.

I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that it wasn't cool. I know you are Jewish and I don't want you giving my people (because I am an honorary Jew, Happy Rosh Hashana by the way) a bad name. Don't give Mel Gibson something to curse about, know what I mean?


Yours Truly,

P.S. I do want to let you know that I don't blame you for Brit's piss poor performance. I blame drugs for that...and lots of them.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


My computer is in the final death throes now, I believe. The screen flickers constantly and whenever it flickers I get an error message and have to press OK to make it go away. It just won't even recognize the cord anymore and is running out of battery power at an alarming rate. I got a new cord but that didn't work. WAAAAAAAAAAH!

I've had all kinds of brillant and witty things to say, but you're just going to have to take my word for it because I've had to hit OK 3 times already while typing this. I really should be getting ready to go to Disney instead of talking to you all, but I just want the option, you know? Mr. Ashley does not think this is a priority and he is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. This is a freaking emergency, is what this is (hitting OK again).

Also, my cell phone literally broke in half, but I was still managing to use it by holding it together with 2 hands (I know, freaking ridiculous), but yesterday it stopped making noises. I can text message, but this is just not acceptable. Mr. Ashley says I have to just go get one of the free phones and renew our contract. I've had the free phone for 4 years knowing that my next phone will be a nice one. I'm the only person on the planet without a camera phone. I've been holding my raggedy cell phone together with 2 hands. I AM GETTING THE LG enV!! I don't care if we're broke, I'll have it for another 4 years. Mr. Ashley is really resistant to the idea but I have made it clear that I really just want him to make it happen (hitting OK again).

Alright, this is a pretty long SOS post (hitting OK again). I probably could've said a few of the witty and brilliant things I was withholding from you because of technical difficulties but instead I used it as an opportunity to bitch. Sorry 'bout that. Maybe I'll be back later.

Monday, September 10, 2007

What is Your Job?

Big Kid: Can I have a pudding?

Ashley: Not right now.

Big Kid: Whhhhhhhy?

Ashley: Because I'm busy doing stuff to get dinner ready.

Big Kid: Oh...

(stands there and stares at me)

Big Kid: What is your job mommy?

Ashley: My job? Hmmm. Well, my job is to be a mommy.

Big Kid: Den maybe you should get me a pudding.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

A Fun Saturday

I had the most interesting day yesterday!

It was my turn to wake up with the little kid, and imagine my delight when I opened my eyes at 8:10am. Oh how I smirked that this never happens to poor Mr. Ashley. I push open little kid's bedroom door and see his sweet smiling face. As I walk across the room to pick him up, I see some roundish brown things on the carpet...Wh-what the heck is that?

is that poop?....

I glance around confused. What is that smeared all over the crib? on the blanket? on the sheet? that wretched stench? Just what in the hell is going on here?

Yeah, you probably guessed it. That extra 2 hours of sleep was hard earned, because the little kid spent that time fingerpainting with poop (dear Jesus) and now I was the one that was going to have to clean it all up. Litle kid was freaking DELIGHTED with himself. All grins and giggles, even (especially?) at my raised voice and obvious disgust.

As I was jamming soiled crib bedding into the washing machine, I felt what could only be cat litter pelting my legs and raining down on my feet. Little kid had crawled in there after me and was digging in the litterbox and chucking handfuls of it at me.

Not a good start...not at all. However, I was leaving the house to go do wedding planning stuff with Catfish, so I was looking forward to that. Otherwise, my morning seriously sucked.

Remember how the other day I was asking where my fairy godmother was? Well my shoe fairy godmother is present and accounted for. Moments after I pulled up, Katy opened the trunk of her VW Beetle convertible and starts pulling out boxes and boxes of shoes. She's a shoe designer and for whatever reason they always have all of these shoes to get rid of and they're all size 6! I AM A SIZE SIX! So she gave me like 5 or 6 pairs of really cute heels! I'm still so excited about it. I feel shoe rich!

So we hopped in her car and headed over to the florist. It was a lot of fun picking everything out, but it was so much to think about! I don't really remember the details except that it's all going to look fanfreakintabulous. Orange and purple calla lilies, peacock feathers, orchids, St. James somethings, pin cushion flower thingys, palm leaf like things, goldfish, tall grass, bamboo stakes with white's seriously going to be beautiful.

Then we went to the cake tasting! It was so yummy to eat cake and chocolate ganache and strawberries while looking at pictures of gorgeous cakes. Her cake is going to be navy blue, a funky shape and with a peacock inspired design to it. The baker is going to use her mom's carrot cake recipe to make it. How cool is that?

Then we had lunch and a beer at a restaurant on the water and rushed to the dress fitting appointment. She tried on her dress and we chatted while the seamstress made her alterations. Her dress is beautiful. A whisper of a thing. You know how when you see famous people with awesome bodies and you think "Well, real people just don't look like that..."? Well, Katy does. Her dress is ivory and sheath-like and has an open back with a criss-crossed sort of sash. It's very Grecian goddess like.

She also tried on some feather and flower hair clips that were really elegant AND she's finally gotten her act together with wedding shoes...She had $900 worth of shoes to try on and that was only 3 pairs. LOL. I think she narrowed it down though.

So all in all, we made great progress! It is so fun to have a mental image of the wedding now. It's also so special to be able to do all of this with her. We've been bestfriends since we met in preschool. While I planned my wedding, she was cruising around the world on some boat and we talked about wedding plans via email. She was my Maid of Honor and I am her Matron of Honor. It's all just so cool.

Afterwards we went to a nearby bar that our friend owns and had a Black and Tan (or 3) and talked about our friends and some of the horrors of motherhood (I tell her like it is). We started our day at 11:00am and I got home after 8pm! The little kid was already in bed, the Big Kid was on his way there and Mr. Ashley had cleaned up the house.

A good day indeed!

Friday, September 7, 2007


Well Fluffy Windover, Girl after my own heart, is sick of the Photowow bullshit and wants to do more shopping. She didn't come right out and say it (well, almost) but I get her point.

Shopping is what brought us all together in the first place. The Chaws were playing "Chaw Not to Wear" and I ended up being everyone's stylist and I thought it would be a fun idea for a blog. Then I got sick of it and started bitching about my kids, and here we are.

So here are a few outfits I would buy if I wasn't:

A). Broke B.) Always wearing pajamas C.) Willingly housebound.

Old Navy Shirt$14.50, Old Navy tank top $8.50, Old Navy Trouser Jeans $34.50, Sugar Shoes $40.95, Octo Necklace $20.00, Target purse $30.00

This first outfit is something I would actually wear, especially if it ever cools down here enough to wear some long sleeves and jeans again. I am missing my jeans damnit! Summer was fun, I'm over it now. Those jeans look like they would hide the muffin top too, I like that. I love, love, love the shoes, they are practical and look comfortable and playground mulch would have a pretty tough time getting in there. I love the necklace (I heart Etsy, I really do) and I think the purse looks like it costs more than $30.00 and it reminds me of my couch, and that's a good thing because I am pretty fond of the couch.

I can't add, or do any other kind of math really, but judging by the stores, this outfit would probably be within my financial reach. Mr. Ashley would probably say it is not, but what does he know? God, like making all the money, paying the bills and actually being aware of our finances makes him some sort of expert or something. Not. Besides, why did God invent credit cards if not for me to use them? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Gap Dress $80.00, Banana Republic earrings $30.00, Piperlime Shoes $70.00, Banana Republic Bangles $42.00, Banana Republic satchel $140

I would feel pretty in this dress and it would look good with my hair. This is more of a fantasy outfit, not so much because of the price (that too), but more because where the hell would I wear it? The one time a year Mr. Ashley and I have date night? AKA my birthday? I wish.

I wasn't originally going to go with those shoes, but I think those shoes would go great with my bridesmaid dress for Katy's (aka Catfish's) wedding and this was the easiest place to put it so I wouldn't forget about them. Katy is a shoe designer (coolest job E.V.E.R., remind me to tell you about the glamorous life of my cool, kid-free friend Katy), so I can't be the jerk that wears ugly shoes to her wedding. These aren't ugly, right? Anyhoo, I think they're fine with this dress too. It's my closet, I'll put whatever I damn well please in here.

J. Crew Camisole $88.00, Red Chinos $60.00, Awesome purse $395.00 (choke), Kick ass shoes $180.00, Gold cuff $32.00

Instead of this outfit I should have shown you Cinderella's gown and her glass fucking slippers, because this is about as likely to happen as that. A girl can dream. Where the hell is my fairy godmother anyway? Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm tall enough for red pants, but I do think that shirt would hide the muffin top. Do you like how hiding the muffin top is the #1 consideration? Because those of you without muffin tops...should have no problem picking out your own damn clothes.

I looooooooooooooooooooove that purse and those shoes. What is it with me and J. Crew shoes? Why do I even look? A $395 purse? That's a car payment. Damn, I know I can't keep up with The Aroras...why do I even try?
(editor's note: there is a national movement underfoot, started by me, to change "Keeping up with the Joneses" to "Keeping up with the Aroras"...please make a note of it and help me out with that. Do the Joneses have two front loading washers and dryers? A closet of designer shoes? The Joneses suck, screw them).

So there is your shopping for today. Do you know how long it took to put this post together? Waaaaaaaay longer than it takes me to do some bitching & whining and hit "publish post", that's for sure. I was really big on this shopping stuff when I still felt the need to buy your love. Now I've gotten comfortable and lazy with you all. Now you know how Mr. Ashley must feel. Awww, sucks to be you guys.

That's My Boy

Can I just give a public shout out to the Big Kid for insisting that Mr. Ashley, and only Mr. Ashley, be responsible for wiping his butt? Hell yeah. That's a good boy right there.

Ms. Sharon said that one of their activities today was to paint the tables with shaving cream. She said he just stood there looking disturbed and pale and alternately poking at the shaving cream and then nervously looking at his hands and across the room at the sink. She finally asked if he was having fun and he admitted that the whole scene was "fweaking him out" so he got to wash his hands and sit that activity out. Oy vey.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Dear Pierce Brosnan,

I have been a very bad girl and am in need of a spanking. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Yours Truly, Really & Truly,

P.S. Feel free to bring Stone Philips along if you think you're going to need reinforcements. I have been awfully bad.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Jewish Update

I don't think I've told you all that the Big Kid adores school. He absolutely loves it. Every day he doesn't get to go, he asks me if I could please take him. When we asked him if he wanted to go on the boat the other day, he said he just wanted to go to school. When I explained that it was Saturday, he suggested that I call Ms. Sharon and ask anyway.

I can also tell that he's the class pet, which is no surprise since he is so freaking cute. Both teachers light up when they see him and they both hug him hello and goodbye. Today she squeezed him to her and said, "You are so sweet and so cute I could just take you home with me." They are always telling us how amazed they are with his computer skills and by his intelligence. It makes me so proud.

The other afternoon I told him to say goodbye to his teachers and Ms. Sharon said, "Oh, it's au revoir. In the afternoons we speak as much French as possible." LMAO. Okay. He comes home with all of these worksheets with his shapes in French. This is all wonderful and thrills me, but I don't know a word of French so I guess I'd better at least try to learn as much as he is. Honestly, I think Spanish would come in handy more than Hebrew and French will, but I guess we'll leave that up to Dora.

He came home today with his first art project from his art class. They recreated Icarus by Henry Matisse. No, I'm not kidding you. This shit is frame-able.

So, I'm pretty much in love with The Jews, as is the Big Kid. We're all just thrilled with the whole thing and it makes the tuition check a little easier to write. They do get like 9 million days off though. I think there should be a discount for that, because it seems a little extreme, but whatever. All in all, they're great.

Young Love

So when I went to Kmart the other day, I found some unbelievable good deals and it was totally worth trolling those filthy aisles in search of the bargains. Among the good deals they had 50% off all of their clearance clothes and it seemed that all of their summer kids' apparel was clearanced. I got the boys piles of shorts and board shorts and paid no more than $1.75 for any of it.

I also found an adorable little green terry cloth tank and short set and a black tank top with jolly rogers with pink bows and hearts in the eyes for Emawee. SO FREAKING CUTE. And I think I paid $4 total, if even. I got it home and Mr. Ashley proceeded to quarrel with me about how long it would be before she could wear it because it was a size 6, so I held it up to the Big Kid.

Ashley: Look, it's not that big. Especially with a tank top under it. Besides, it was like $1...who cares if she has to wait to wear it.

Big Kid: I wuv it! I want to put it on now please.

Mr. Ashley: NO! That's not for you, it's for Emily. That is a girl's shirt.

Big Kid: But I tink it's weally so cool.

Mr. Ashley: Too bad. You're a boy.

Big Kid: Den why are we even doing dis to me? Why did you holded it up against me? Why are we doing all dis stuff when it's not even for the Big Kid? (about to cry)

Ashley: We bought these things for Em. Presents for her.

Big Kid: (huge grin) For my Emmers? Yes, okay. My Emmers will wike dese tings. Dese tings are beeyootidul and weally so cool dor her.

So the next day I meet up with LK and Em at another Kmart to search for more bargains. The Big Kid goes running up to her:

Big Kid: I got someting dor you.

Emawee: (smiles) Really? What is it?

Big Kid: It is a shirt and some shorts dat are gween and den dere is a shirt with da pirates all over it but da pirates are gruls. It's dor gruls. Dor you.

Emawee: Really?! Where is it?

Big Kid: It is in my mom's car, she will get dem dor you.

Emawee: Oh Big Kid! Oh Big Kid! I really love you so much, I do. Come give me a hug. (hugs). And a kiss (kiss). Thank you for my presents. I love you. Do you love me?

Big Kid: Yes, Emmers.

Emawee: Say it. Tell me you love me.

Big Kid: I wuv you Emmers. (walking away hand in hand)

They behaved for hours while LK and I scoured for bargains. And we scored BIG TIME. I have a wall of detergent. I got bags of cat food for $0.25. I've got so many cleaning products that when Mr. Ashley finally gives in and let's me have a housekeeper, she'll be well stocked for quite a while.

We went out to the parking lot and Big Kid gave his Emmers her clothes and she was over the moon with happiness. He was blushing to the tips of his toes as she squealed and hugged and oohed and aaaahed. We let them ride together in my car to McDonald's and after several moments of silence she said:

Big Kid, really thank you so much for my clothes. I love them. And I love you. Really I do.

Big Kid: I wuv you too, my Emmers. I'm glad it made you feel so happy.

HOW FREAKING CUTE IS THAT?? They are adorable together.

Next Friday we're going to Disney World together for 3 nights and they are both ecstatic. We made paper chains and every night we cut off another loop and I think the grown-ups are just as excited as the kiddos. It's even cooler that they get to do it with their bestfriend.

It's also pretty cool that LK and I will be eating lunch with Cinderella at her castle. We're getting tiaras for the occasion and everything. With all that money we saved at Kmart, and the effort we put forth to do so, we deserve some Goddamn tiaras and lunch in a freaking castle.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Public Service Announcement

Do not, I repeat, do not think that you can pick up the cat and move it to the sink before it vomits. Even if the sink is close, odds are about 99% that you're not going to make it.

Monday, September 3, 2007

I Know How Cavewomen Did It

So yesterday we went out on the boat! We hadn't been out since our last soggy trip with The Renee, so we were long overdue.

I was kind of dreading it, because it's actually a lot of work to pack everything up, wrestle everyone into life jackets, hold their hot sweaty little bodies while keeping the Big Kid's head under a towel so the wind doesn't get in his ears (weirdo), chase the little kid around the island and digging shells out of his mouth, etc, etc, etc.

But I had a bottle of wine, it was a beautiful day and it is a holiday, so we just decided to make ourselves do it.

I'm so glad we did! My mom came with and helped with the kids on the boat and then when we got to the island, Mr. Ashley accidentally stumbled upon Mother Nature's greatest contribution to beachside parenting ever. Nature's playpen, aka the hole.

Step 1: Dig hole (make kids help). Step 2: Put kids in hole. Step 3: add toys. Step 4: Drag canopy over them. Step 5: Lounge around drinking wine and reading book while paying minimal attention to the kids.

It really worked out fabulously, I can't believe we didn't think of this before. I had a great day and even managed to read a lot of my book, I have never managed reading out on the boat with children around.

When I got home I took a bath and finished my book, Water for Elephants was amazing! I loved it, I read it in a couple of days and enjoyed every word. I think this one is going on the "Required reading list to be Ashley's friend." (I know I still have to get that to you guys, I promised months ago). I told you all way back when how I choose my reading material in themes? Like I did King Henry VIII and all things related (that one took almost a whole year), Cleopatra, Mary Magdalene, Jesus, Helen of Troy, the De Medicis, Marie Antoinette which led to the French court, bees. I haven't done this sort of thing in a while but I liked the whole old-time circus thing so much I'm thinking of trying to do it with this theme. That could be hard though, but a fun challenge to find things. I know I'm a dork, I just love to read and I love to learn about things and this is how I like to do it. Get off my case.

The book I read before this one, Eleven Minutes also makes the required reading list. I've been fortunate with books lately. I have a stack to read (and yet here I am searching for new themes so I can buy books that fit that obscure theme instead of reading what I've got like a normal person) and a few that I've started and then put back down. Like Memory Keeper's Daughter, maybe I didn't get far enough into it, but I just don't get what all the hype was about. I just wasn't feeling it.

So I'm off to Kmart today. I am freaking terrified and already feeling germy. Our Kmart is downright scary, but I saw that Kmart was having some huDge clearance sort of situation and they have a ton of the cleaning products and stuff that I need (or would need if I cleaned) for super duper cheap, so hopefully it will be worth my while. Wish me luck. I'll try not to get my ass beat in the parking lot. That sort of thing happens at Kmart, you know.