Saturday, January 31, 2009

School Rants

We're going to dinner at Girl Crush's house tonight. You haven't heard that name in forever, huh?

She pretty much became BFF with the third friend, and once I got my job I just couldn't keep up with being friends. I get easily overwhelmed and am a pretty sucky friend in general. But we ran into each other and she asked us to dinner, and even though I'm really not in the mood to go just because I'm feeling pretty anti-social, I know I'll have fun once I get there and I really do want friends. So we're going.

In other news, I noticed bruises on Big Kid's neck and he says that Hudson grabbed him around the neck and squeezed because Hudson says Santa isn't real and Big Kid says he's wrong. BRUISES ON HIS NECK. Supposedly Hudson got time out and on warning watch, but guess who is getting a stern talking-to from Library Mom on Monday? He's lucky I don't grab him around his little punk neck. No wonder Santa doesn't go to Hudson's house.

Speaking of school, something happened a couple of weeks ago that is still irking me. I went to pick Big Kid up and another student's mom approached me.

"I just thought you should know that I came to the school to have lunch with J today. We took Big Kid with us out onto the patio to eat, and when he opened his lunch box, there was only 2 pretzel sticks in a bag and a melted chocolate coin," she said.

"What??," I asked, "He was supposed to buy his lunch today! He always buys lunch on Friday. He didn't have homework last night and we must have forgotten to take his lunch box out of his bag! So what did he do?"

"He just kept saying 'I can't believe dey forgot to pack my lunch" and "I can't even eat my chocolate because it is melted!" You know how Big Kid is, very serious and dramatic about it! Poor kid!"

"So he didn't eat lunch?"

"No! He didn't have any!"

Um...why the fuck didn't you approach an adult with some common sense and let them know that there was a problem? I mean, if it was me, I would immediately take your child and buy him a lunch. If I had no money, I'd check his lunch account for money. If it had no money, I'd tell a cafeteria worker that this kindergarten student had no lunch. If they wouldn't help, I'd be splitting our lunch with him.

I wouldn't just sit there letting him go on and on about how all he had was a melted chocolate. :-(

I wouldn't assume that you had packed two pretzel sticks and a melted chocolate.

I'm a little pissed about it. Big Kid's teacher approached mid-conversation and was upset that he had no lunch and said she wished he had told her (or maybe the adult with him could have told her??) I don't know what this lady was thinking. Not the end of the world, but a WTF moment that has stuck with me.

I'm not that thrilled with school in general these days. We got a notice home the other day that informed us that our district wasn't meeting the standards set forth in the No Child Left Behind Act, and hadn't been in years. Well...why not? What's the problem here? Where is the proposed solution?

Thanks for the notice that you're totally sucking ass when it comes to educating my child, but now what?

Big Kid's teacher is great and he seems to be learning a lot, but it is only Kindergarten. Our problems are just beginning. No way I can afford private school. No way can I home school now that I'm working. No way can I move to a different state.

Also, remember how before he got into school I agonized about "institutionalizing" him? Oh, have I ever.

The other day we stayed after school to do some extra-curricular fund raising thing in the cafeteria. The afterschool program was in there too. So the cafeteria was completely full, with the front half being in this program and the back of the room doing a really fun fundraiser. There was some noise, naturally. Not yelling, not shrieking, just hundreds of people in a room talking.

The lady in the afterschool program's last nerve had left the building hours ago. She was on this bullhorn yelling this little saying they have, over and over because she could not maintain complete quiet.

They have this mantra they say. The adult yells something similar to, "Perfection is..." then claps twice and everyone yells "EXPECTED" back. Okay, whatever, a good focusing tool or behavioral reminder.

But with this being screamed over a bullhorn every three minutes by someone who is ready to lose her mind, and all of these little kids (including the ones in the fundraiser, who didn't have to listen to this lady at all but are just trained to respond to this call) chanting back over and over was like some bizarre Nazi bootcamp. It was very stressful and irritating.

I felt bad for the kids in the afterschool program. They had no activity they were supposed to be doing, they appeared to be waiting for something. They had just finished a long day at school and were sitting at tables talking. Nothing out of hand was going on. They were just at the mercy of a stressed out adult at the end of her day.

I'm not really cool with someone screaming at my kid for no good reason because they've had a bad day though. I'm the only one allowed to do that.

The Librarian also gets on their case all of the time for not whispering. No speaking voices allowed, only whispers. Kindergartners just can't whisper. I take four kids at a time and if they are speaking in low, conversational tones, not all at once, while sitting at a table, we're doing pretty freaking amazing. Her coming over to bark at them every few minutes, every time two children accidentally speak at once, doesn't lend itself to a quiet, peaceful atmosphere anymore than their talking does.

I get that everyone that works at a school has to control the chaos before it reaches that level, but the thought of my kid being barked at all day by stressed out adults really annoys me. Also, I think reasonable expectations need to be set. We are training them for the real world. In the real world, even the meanest Librarian will let you speak in a quiet speaking voice. Even the strictest boss will allow you to make conversation with your co-workers during down time.

Alrighty, this has turned into an epic rant. LOL. I could have folded the entire laundry couch in the time that it took to type this. It's time to go get ready for dinner at Girl Crush's. Just know that I'm frustrated with school, especially now that they apparently aren't even accomplishing their mission as an institution.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Doing It

I went to the library AND the post office today.

I know that's not fascinating reading material (Anonymouses, start drafting your hate mail) but only you all know the full extent of my craziness and the pain those two things cause me. Especially with my medicine messed up and me being slightly crazier than usual, I have been DREADING getting these two things done and have put it off all week long. Having the mail man take that package out of my hands was an enormous weight off of my shoulders.

Now if I manage to call my doctor and get the medicine issue straightened out, we'll have a trifecta. I'm not really feeling optimistic about it. Sometimes the front desk lady gets a little pissy when I ask for the doctor's voice mail and I don't want to deal with her.

So, let's concentrate instead on the two great things I DID accomplish, and I'll work on rounding it out by the end of the day.

edited to add: TRIFECTA!! Oh yeah!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Library Rage

You know how I have issues with libraries?

I've got a librarian freaking out on me today. It has nothing to do with me personally but I have to deal with her, and I'm thinking she pulled my library history before calling because she is TICKED. Her level of animosity doesn't sync up with the situation.

I wish I could upload her message somehow for you all. It is hysterical and terrifying all at once.

Wish me luck, I don't do well with confrontations or librarians.

Monday, January 26, 2009

There's That Guy

The other day I was taking my sweet ass time in the bathroom because I knew that little kid was safely contained in time out, when this peered at me from around the door way:

The yellow stuff is paint. He apparently broke into a paint-by-number set and drank the yellow on his way across the house to find me.

It's incredibly hard to punish someone who is wearing furry eyebrow glasses.

The last two nights, I've woken up to this (minus the yellow paint):

in my bed in the middle of the night. The night before last I woke up around 3am and there he was, sitting on my bed watching some comic on Comedy Central who was saying "Mother Fucker" a lot, grinning ear to ear.

Last night Mr. Ashley woke up to find little kid hovering over him with a glow in the dark eye ball.

So...the crib isn't working anymore as a guaranteed method of confinement. We're trying bribery now, but he's proven hard to bribe in the past. I do NOT, repeat, do NOT want his cold baby toes on my back every night and him heavy breathing in my ear and staring at me while I sleep, so let's hope it works this time.


Words aren't really even necessary.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Semicolons Semi Suck

Here is an excellent article on the semicolon.

I know that it's not a very exciting subject but I have a fear of semicolons and I think a lot of others do too. They are confusing and they seem foreign. Give me a good old comma over a semicolon any day.

But if any of us ever wants to look all official, it may be good to throw a semicolon in every once in a while. For those of you who shudder at the thought of reading a short article on a semicolon, I will provide this cliff note-like version that I came across in the hopes that you too will familiarize yourself with the semicolon:

Big Kid Runs the Show

Big Kid is obsessed with having a YouTube channel. I reluctantly agreed to the possibility and he's been brainstorming ever since. Unfortunately (but not surprisingly), little kid broke Mr. Ashley's camera, so shooting is on hold until further notice.

Big Kid has some production concerns, mainly the quality of his opening song and our lack of a home studio. (seriously). He's not sure his theme song will sound good enough since he's just a kid and since I admittedly know nothing about producing music, much to his disappointment.

He does have some faith in my ability to create posters with his likeness. He thinks I can do this with my camera and some ink and paper, although we will have to find some lockers he can pose in front of. We'll also have to go to Wal-mart to pick up color ink, because they can't be in black and white. (seriously. I told you he's thought this out.)

A few minutes ago he approached me and said, clearly annoyed, "Why din't you have a studio, like, built onto our house when you built it?"

"A studio? Like for my photography?"

"No, a studio for my show!" he said, frustrated with my inability to keep up. "You shoulda had a studio in our house. For me."

"Sorry. A studio would have been nice. When we do your show I'll set you up a temporary studio, how about that?"

"What will we do 'bout a door?"

"A door?"

"A DOOR, MOM. A STUDIO DOOR.," exasperated.

"There will be no door. I'm sorry, Big Kid, to have failed you in this way. I did a terrible job having the house built and I apologize that I didn't have the foresight to include a studio with a door for my Internet celebrity son. The best I can do is rig up some sort of back drop for you, help you shoot, upload and promote your show and create your posters for you."

"Yeah, a background isn't da same as a studio. Not at all."

Friday, January 23, 2009

Brilliant idea

I had a brilliant idea. What if I dropped off my laundry when I dropped off little kid each day, and she could wash it and fold it for me? I'd pay her, of course.

This would solve so many problems all at once.

I'd also like to start (read: have her) potty training little kid, but I'm not sure how to approach that with her. Just drop him off in undies one day and tell her to have fun?

I think it would sound bad if I just came right out and asked her if she'd do my laundry and potty train my kid, so I'm not sure where to go from here. These are great plans though.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dear Katie Couric,

Dorothy Hammill called and she wants her haircut back.

Seriously, whoever told you to do this to your hair:

hates you. Like a lot.

Unless they said, "You know, I'm thinking something really butch-ish, kind of 80s...maybe we could work a mullet in somehow? Something that will age you 20 years instantly!" they were completely lying to your ass. Because it is HORRIBLE.

Horrible. I didn't even recognize you.

Why did you do this? You're cute. That's your thing. No shame in it, not even for a journalist. Better to be cute than to look like a 65 year old lesbian. Come on now.

I'm going to trust that you had your doubts, and that some jealous bitch (or perhaps a pack of them, they do travel like that) said, "No Katie, it looks really pretty. I swear. It's very flattering, I love it." while snickering behind your back.

Oh well, it will grow. Let's hope it does it quick; it's painful to look at.


P.S. Good job on the inauguration coverage! I did enjoy it, other than your hair and Aretha's hat. In fact, I think the hat would've been a better solution for you...

Edited to add: My P.S. got me to thinking and I decided to try Aretha's hat on you. I think you'll find it's a better solution while waiting for that mess to grow out. We'll all understand:

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Slow Your Mole

Mr. Ashley is always yelling, "Slow your roll" at the boys when they're wrestling or they are charging at him for some reason. Which is weird enough but...

...I just heard Big Kid shouting, "Slow your mole! You better slow your mole, boy!" at little kid.

His revelation of my laundry couch is probably the least of my problems as far as what he's saying to people when I'm not around...

Laundry Couch Goes Public

I've got work to catch up on since I got all swept up in Inauguration excitement, so read about the mortifying conversation I had with Big Kid and I'll be back later to discuss Katie Couric's hair.


The man has fantastic oratory skills...

I Swore

I wouldn't get sucked in, but I'm watching the Inauguration and feeling excited. They're playing the classical music piece now, it is so perfectly fitting. Big Kid is going to love it. He had BETTER be watching this in school or I'm going to be pissed. I was tempted to pick him up early but you know how he gets about missing phonics.

Anyway, it's a fine day to be an American.

Oh--and what the hell was on Aretha's head? Whoever picked out her hat should be shot.

Inaugural Preparations

Here are some great photos of the excitement surrounding the preparations for Inauguration Day!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Cancer Sucks

I try for the most part to keep The Closet light-hearted for us all, but with it also being my diary and my best form of therapy, that's not always possible.

I found out yesterday that Catfish's dad lost his battle with cancer.

And I'm mad. Of course I'm sad, that's a given, but cancer sucks and it is just flat out unfair.

Catfish's dad was the healthiest guy I knew. He was a former bodybuilder, owned a gym, ate all of the right foods and exercised. He didn't have any chronic bad habits. He lived life to the fullest; he adored his family, ran a successful business, was a talented musician and had a flock of friends that would do anything for him (and vice versa). He was involved with and well known in his community. He was an all around nice guy that everybody liked, and the world would be a better place if there were more people like him.

Which just makes it all the more tragic that he is gone. I'm relieved that he no longer has to deal with the pain or fight the battle, but I'm mad that Catfish and her family are left hurting. I wish I could rip this whole chapter out of their lives and rewrite it. I wish I could go over there, gather up their hurt and take it home with me for a day or two, giving them a moment of peace and rest before life starts up again. I wish I could do something.

Big Kid says he doesn't like God because he made dinosaurs go extinct, took Heidi Louise and killed off George Washington, and I can suddenly empathize with that anger. With all of the bad fathers out there, all of the non-productive members of society, all of the people living miserable, friendless lives, all of the people not taking care of themselves or hurting just doesn't seem fair. I know it's not our job to question and I do believe everything happens for a reason that we won't always understand, but that doesn't make it any easier.

He was a great guy. The number of lives he has touched with his is an inspiration. His passion for life and family, music, football, boating, motorcycles and friendship was admirable and it is comforting to know he lived such a fulfilling life and brought joy to so many people. To say he will be missed just doesn't say enough.

Yesterday's phone call was probably the hardest of my life so far. What can you possibly say to someone you love so much that just had such a monumental loss? To realize that someone you know so well just went through an event that will change them as a person and being unable to offer anything other than shared tears and words that just can't help. Ugh. It breaks my heart. It makes me mad.

So, if you're the type to send prayers or good thoughts, send some peace to Catfish and her family.

If you've had an unfair loss of your own, know that I feel for you and agree that it really sucks that life is not fair.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

This American Life

Someone on another site recently recommended "This American Life" radio show to me and I've listened to it almost every single day since.

I don't watch television during the day while I'm working because it is too big of a distraction, but I do get lonely in the quiet so I listen to their radio show online. It's interesting, documentary/non-fiction sort of stuff and I love the host's voice (Ira Glass). I also listen to it a lot as I'm falling asleep at night.

You can listen to it online for free. Start with the ones listed as their "favorites", a lot of those are my favorites too. I've already worked my way through that list and am working through the archives now.

Friday, January 16, 2009

You're Jealous

Mr. Ashley: You kids are going to bed in five minutes.

Big Kid: I don't wanna go to bed, dad, you're dest jealous.

Ashley: (in disbelief) Did he just say you're jealous?

Big Kid: Yep. He's dest jealous 'cuz I'm awesome.

Ashley and Mr. Ashley together: (hysterical laughter)

Big Kid: Don't laugh, guys. I am awesome. Dat's why he's so jealous.

Mr. Ashley: Uh, yeah. Go brush your teeth. You're going to bed.

Big Kid's Obamicon

I Obamicon-ed Big Kid!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Big Kid on the Civil Rights Movement

Big Kid today: Do you know 'bout Rosa Parks?

Ashley: Yes, do you?

Big Kid: Yep. She was a lady who said "I'm not sittin' where you say on da bus any more!" and she went to jail and den she got out of jail and den she dest sat where she wanted. Do you know Ruby Beatr--wait, am I finking of Junie B. Jones from da books about dat little girl? I'm not meaning to fink about her.

Ashley: I don't know. I can't think of a Ruby anyone. I do like Junie B. Jones though.

Big Kid: Do you know about Arthur Luthin King?

Ashley: Martin Luther King? Yes, I do. He did some really important things for people and helped change the way people think.

Big Kid: Yeah, I know. He was a doctor, and he had a dream, and he liked to tell eberyone 'bout his dream, and dere is a poem 'bout him, "Let freedom ring, Dr. King!" and that's why we don't have school Monday.

I started to go into the whole race thing with him, explaining that white people used to be mean to black people and the significance of the people he just mentioned, but it's all just so complicated and sounds so strange.

I'm just going to let the professionals (school) handle it. They seem to have it covered. Mostly.

In other news, we attended a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese (for Em, happy birthday Em!) and I realize that I need to revise my escape plans below to only include me and my cat. It will be way easier that way, although I will have less material for you all. We'll make it work somehow.

Done and Done-r

I am having the kind of day that makes me SERIOUSLY consider mailing the keys of the house and the condo back to the mortgage company and telling them to go fuck themselves, holding a giant garage sale consisting of everything that I own, packing one suitcase for each of us, loading up the pets, gassing up the truck, and just driving until I'm tired of driving or come up with some sort of plan.


How bad would that be? Because I'm thinking it wouldn't be all that bad. It would be an adventure.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


The cutest thing I have ever seen.

Closet Makeover

I was going to get The Closet redesigned for us for Christmas, but I only got as far as getting half of one quote.

I know exactly what I want and am very easy to work with but people want money for this sort of thing.

So if you know anyone with the experience and the time who would do it for the love of the Closet (and some free advertising), tell them we'll reserve them a spot at the Captain's table on the cruise.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Go Big Kid Plex!

Big Kid won his Yo Gabba Gabba costume contest!

About an hour after I had originally told him about the contest, and posted about it here, he ran up to me and said, "I'm dest panickin' about dat contest."

"...panicking? Did you just say you're panicking?" I asked, always disbelieving his level of oddness.

"Yes, I am panicking. My whole head is like, dest crackin' up or somefing. Don't laugh, I'm not jokin'."

"Well, we've done what we can, you just have to wait and see if you win."

"I'm terrified."

"Terrified?? You're terrified? You need a different word, terrified doesn't even make sense. Excited would work, I'm sure you're excited."

"No, not excited, it has to be something better than that. A better word than excited."

So, he was totally psyched to find out that he won and he's anxiously (terrifyingly?) awaiting the arrival of his Muno toy. Thank you to those that voted for him!


Don't forget that Housewives will be on tonight and Gretchen will be whoring it up.

We must watch.

Career Advice from Big Kid

Funny conversation that I had with Big Kid today.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Friends, Food and More Friends and Food

I ended up having a fun night. Em's mom called me earlier and asked if I could hang out for an hour or so tonight. I started to tell her no, that I had to work almost non-stop the next 6 weeks to get some stuff accomplished and that I just couldn't, but she began to tell me the total suckage that was her week and I immediately recognized that this was a situation that could only be discussed over dessert and coffee.

I picked her up around 8pm and we went down to the beach. No one was there but us and it was really foggy, but the moon was big and low, which made the whole scene sort of surreal and peaceful looking. We walked for a long time and chatted until we realized we had walked pretty damn far and turned back.

We ended up having chips and guacamole at a Mexican restaurant that allegedly had a good banana dessert (they claimed not to have the banana dessert, or even a dessert menu, and giggled uncontrollably when we explained that we liked bananas) and once we realized there would be no banana dessert, we went to PF Changs for their banana dessert. But they suckered us in to some mini-dessert assortment thing, which was just meh. We should've stuck with the bananas.

It was a nice "thank you for being a friend" kind of night and I'm glad I made the time to go. It's nice to get away, if even for a few hours.

Anyway, I'm in a good mood so I went to and had it choose a number for the Michael Angelo's pasta winner and the winner is #9! The Preppy Peshke! So, if you are the Preppy Peshke, please email your name, address and naked photos to ashleysclosetblog at yahoo dot com.

Dear Anonymouses,

While we wait for the waaaaaaahmbulance to come round you whiners up, let's go back over our purpose here in the Closet.

First, I think it's important to remember that the Closet is NOT a democracy. Is not, has never been and will never be. It is 100% an Ashleyocracy around here--it is the only place in the world that I can maintain total Ashleyocracy and if I need your input, I'll be sure to ask. So far, we've done pretty well without your input, thankfully.

Secondly, this has been going on for almost two years now. Almost every day. When you follow someone's life, general hilarity may not be available three times a day for years in a row. Frankly, it's amazing I've managed to keep up with it as well as I have. 952 posts last year. That's pretty extraordinary for an unpaid anything and it just can't all be funny, that's a fact of life and life is what this blog is based upon.

Third, damn right I'm going to take free food and clothes. I've made less than $10 a month over the course of our lives in The Closet and worked far harder than that.

Now, if you want to go start a blog and share every detail of your life for years for nothing other than the LOLZ and comments from anonymous losers who will whine about every fucking thing they can think of, and then refuse any perk or payment for the sanctity of your humor and the entertainment of your oh-so-grateful readers---feel free. In fact, take all of the other anonymouses with you. I'm sure it will be a laugh a minute and you'll earn the Dooce-like super stardom that my boring ass can only dream of.

If worse came to worst and every single one of you left because you would rather read nothing at all than a 100 word post about free pasta...I'd still be here doing exactly what I do. Because it's my online diary, not my duty as a human being to entertain you with every single key stroke.

Also, I know 99% of you are awesome and you make it all fun, and the other 1% are just lonely, jealous and have an extraordinary amount of time on their hands, so I'm sorry the cool folks have to read even one word about the losers because that's way more boring than hearing about discount shopping, but sometimes we do need to remind people where the Closet door is because they start thinking that we are somehow forcing them to stay here and read every word when nothing is farther from the truth.

So Anonymouses of the Closet, we release you. Run free into the blogosphere, find hysterical blogs with dozens of entries a day and nary a commercial in sight. I'll be here thinking of you, eating my free pasta and wearing my free clothes and boring my readers with tales of such.


PS I'll announce the pasta winner by the end of the day, sorry if my weekend long headache inconvenienced anyone's dreams of frozen food.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fun with $50

So, I've been meaning to tell you all about the Christmas gifts you didn't even know you got me, but I've I had a headache the last couple days.

A few days before Christmas, I was having a bad day (feeling overwhelmed and getting sick) when I got an email from someone representing TJ Maxx and Marshalls (I guess they're married now) offering me a $25 gift card to each if I would tell you all about shopping there!

So $50 for me, because of us, from them! HOW NICE! Seriously, Christmas was sparse between Mr. Ashley and I this year, and I really didn't end up with any money to spend on myself. It's also been a while since spending guilt free money on myself. (I've spent it, just not guilt free.) So this was SUCH a gift.

I went shopping Wednesday evening, right after getting my hair done. Feeling optimistic, I went to Marshall's first. You all know that I am a bargain shopper, so I am familiar with the TJ Maxx and Marshalls in my area. Generally my impression has been that Marshalls was usually a little less organized, more of a bargain hunt for the good stuff, and TJ Maxx was usually a little more expensive, with better known brand names. It was interesting to actually do the shopping back to back this time for the sake of comparison.

I had to laugh when pulling into the parking lot at Marshalls because there was a Bentley and countless BMWs. I guess the rich folks like bargains too. I saw Europeans filling newly purchased suitcases with their newly purchased designer clothes and artfully stacking them into the back of their already crammed rental SUVs. I actually saw the exact same scene the last time I was at Marshalls, so I think it may be a popular place to score discounted brand names for people visiting from overseas.

Our Marshalls is really big and has just been reorganized, so it was a little overwhelming at first and I wasn't really sure what I was even looking for in the first place. I did decide I should try to stick as close to the $25 as possible, to make it more of a challenge.

I almost immediately spent $17 on awesome red and black high top Converse for Big Kid. They had some great deals on shoes, they even had Robeez for babies. They also had some sexy Jessica Simpson heels that I really, really wanted and even wore all around the shoe section, but at $40 they were over my $25 limit and they were TOTALLY impractical. But sexy.

They had awesome purses too. I'm never paying retail for a purse again, they had some super nice purses with recognizable brand names and really big discounts. I actually got my last purse at Marshalls, it was originally $70 and I got it for $20, and I love it.

I also loved the house stuff, they had a zebra striped bench that you would put at the end of your bed (and then pile high with your laundry) for $80 that looked straight from the pages of Pottery Barn. They had really nice quality sheets and towels for very reasonable prices too, but I decided to spend the money entirely on myself.

I ended up trying on a bunch of stuff, some True Religion and Juicy shirts and a really cute cami/capri pajama set (that would have been a total luxury, and it was only $14) but finally decided on a pair of workout pants, a pair of black, trouser-like pants that fit me perfectly and....wait for it...a pair of ruffled panties.

Remember how I saw the Nutcracker and wanted to be a Sugarplum fairy with the tutu and the ruffled panties? Well, I've got the ruffled panties, thanks to you all.

That ended up right at $24 something.

I spent a lot of time agonizing over what to get though, they had so many really great choices. Without my $25 limit, I may have been in trouble. I still want those shoes...

Then I went on to TJ Maxx. Our TJ Maxx is more nicely decorated and laid out to better display the higher end items. They also had fantastic house stuff and kids' stuff. If you're having a baby, both stores are great to stalk for the high end, cutesy stuff that you couldn't normally spend that much on. They had an itsy bity baby girl Ralph Lauren dress that I almost bought just to have.

I ended up not finding as much at TJ Maxx, probably because I had my heart set on a cute pj set for the impractical luxury factor at that point and this particular store's pj section was smaller. I did end up with a pair of cute pin-striped capris and two pairs of panties that would've been ridiculously expensive otherwise. It also came right to $25.

So, for $50 you bought me all of that and we had fun doing it! Thanks TJ Maxx and Marshalls for making it possible, that was fun!

...And I'll probably go back for those shoes...

That Guy and the Other One

little kid just stood up on the couch, pulled his diaper down, backed his butt into my face, and said, "Bite my butt?" as he cracked up laughing.

As I swatted his butt away and told him how rude that was, Mr. Ashley looked at me and said, "He's "That" guy. You know "That" guy? The one at parties and stuff? That's him."

He's right. I've always known it, but that's the perfect way to describe it. I am raising "That" guy. I will be spending at least the next 16 years (probably more like 28) with "That" guy.

The kind of guy who will stick his naked ass in your face and laugh.

And we've already determined that Big Kid's life plan is to live with me and watch You Tube all day.

No wonder I've had a migraine for the last two days...

Thursday, January 8, 2009


I always thought that people who said even Diet soda could affect your diet were full of crap. That just didn't make sense to me, at all.

Now I'm working with an expert in this stuff for something I'm doing with my job and he says that acidic stuff (like diet soda) affects your body's pH level and ability to lose weight, and that you can even test your pH every day and try to bring it back into balance. Now I really want to find the pH tester thingies just because testing it daily would make me feel all official and sounds fun.

Here's the article about it, for anyone interested.

Michael Angelo's Freezer Meals

Okay, so I got an offer to review Michael Angelo's freezer meals and I was a little bit nervous about it. I'm a ridiculously picky eater. The list of things that I will not eat is long. Also, I have to be honest with you guys, so if it was weird or gross I'd be in a tough position. I thought about having Mr. Ashley eat it and giving you his take on it, but then right after I stopped being sick I was super hungry one day and wanted comfort-type food, so I decided to try the Lasagna.

My main issue with freezer meals is that most of the ones I've tried are really skimpy looking and after you microwave them they get that crusty stuff, especially with something like pasta sauce. But the lasagna looked really good when I opened it and still looked good after being microwaved. It also tasted like real lasagna! I mean, it is real lasagna! It wasn't some weird patty of pasta, which is my typical experience with frozen food. little kid was even hovering around begging for bites.

I had only redeemed one of the free coupons, just in case it wasn't something we would actually eat and now I'm looking forward to trying some of the other meals.

Lucky for you all, someone here in the closet is going to get five free Michael Angelo's freezer meals! If you have a blog, list your blog name and the web address here in the comments and I'll randomly choose a number and that person will win the meals and go on to review them on THEIR blog and giveaway five more meals. How cool is that?

For the rest of you that want free food, you can register at Michael Angelo's Family Table and create a profile to get a buy one, get one free coupon.

So comment below with your blog address to enter to win. I'll pick the winner Saturday morning.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Coming Soon

So our answer to the great hula hoop mystery is to get an invisible hula hoop (wii fit)?

I like that line of thought.

I have a giveaway for you all (it's not a wii fit) and I really wanted to do it tonight but I have a massive headache, so we'll do it tomorrow.

I also have to tell you all what you got me for Christmas. You shopped at TJ Maxx and Marshalls and did very well!!

All coming tomorrow.

And we need to talk OC Housewives. Vicki is SUCH a bitch (they all are, but she's a special kind of bitch. God bless her poor husband) and it looks like Gretchen is about to really slut it up next week with Tamra's loser son. That's good shit right there.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Hula Hoop

If you're 30 and you can't hula hoop, can you learn?

I think it's the sort of thing that you can either do, or you can't, like dancing, and I think that I can't.

I was talking to a personal trainer about what a great work out it is and other than bending over to pick it up 300 times, I just don't think it would work for me.

Monday, January 5, 2009

No School?

There is no school today.

But I didn't know that. I just remembered the date "January 5th" and assumed that school would start on a Monday.

How wrong I was. Of course I didn't figure this out until I was staring at the non-existent car rider line, fully dressed kids in the back, lunches packed, the whole shebang. I guess it was supposed to be December 22-January 5th, with school starting on the 6th. A Tuesday.

I dropped little kid off at the daycare lady anyway, but Big Kid can't stop crying. He says this is "The worstest day of his entire life".

So much for my "got it together" and organized New Year....

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Pam Hates Pants

While we're discussing Pam, this is what she wore to an art gallery in Miami recently.

What is her deal? Is she allergic to pants?

I hope my legs look that good at 42....but more importantly, I hope I have the sense (or friends that will advise me) to leave the house fully dressed at all times.

Is she on drugs? Insane? Unbelieving that she could have a life based on anything other than bimbo-ism?

Because this is not normal, or pretty. Girlfriend needs a stylist.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Dear Pamela Anderson,

WTF?? Seriously, I'm almost speechless. You had to feel that. I just puked in my mouth a little bit having to see it.

I do appreciate that you've proven that we may as well just grow old gracefully. Apparently, if you fight it you may morph into The Joker (but worse because the Joker keeps his junk contained).

For the love of God, put some pants on and stop with the injections and implants and all of that. You have sons, woman, sons who shouldn't have to see "that".

No one should have to see that.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Babies!

I can't believe I forgot to tell you all this, but last Sunday we got 2 new chicks! Because we're crazy!

Here they are:

Boris and Trisha (names by Big Kid, of course)



Boris is a rooster, which proves that I was not in my right mind when allowing Mr. Ashley to talk me into it. I may have been high on Sudafed at the time.

Big Kid immediately insisted on Boris and Fluffy, we nixed Fluffy and he campaigned for Boris and Chicka Chicka 1-2-3, I protested that on behalf of Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and he finally settled on Trisha, which is bizarre enough to work.

Links For You

When I was a child, I did exactly one cute thing
Child maids being exported to the US
Prom dresses NOT to wear
Doctor on Dexedrine

Here are some links to some interesting things I've stumbled across during my internet travels. One of my resolutions is bringing you all more links (and more posts in general, but sometimes that may only be possible with cheater posts like links). I actually need to narrow down my resolution list and come up with a plan, you know how I love plans, but you all are part of the plan, whatever it may be.

Big Kid's Future

Big Kid: Do you know how many people are on Twitter?

Ashley: No, lots.

Big Kid: Forty fousand, dat's how many.

Ashley: How do you know that?

Big Kid: I been watchin' da video about it.

Ashley: Wow, that's interesting. 40,000 is a lot of people.

Big Kid: Yeah, but I'm only followin' six. I want to be followin' lots and lots of peoples and you dest won't let me. You have a whole big square of people you follow but I can't make my own square of people to follow.

Ashley: I'm sorry.

Big Kid: No, you're not. You won't eben let me watch da You Tube anymore.

Ashley: Aww, you're so abused. I'm such a bad mom, you should run away.

Big Kid: I'm neber leaving, eber. I'm just gonna wait until I'm a grown up and den I'm gonna stay here wif you forever, but you'll have to let me watch You Tube and follow who I want on Twitter because I'll be all growned up.

Ashley: So you're going to be a grown up who lives with his mom and watches You Tube all day?

Big Kid: Yep.

Ashley: Great. It's good to have goals.