Thursday, November 29, 2007

My Loves

I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get ready for Catfish's wedding. I STILL NEED TO GET SHOES. I HAVE 2 SPEECHES TO GIVE (one tonight!). I NEED A TAN AND IT IS PRETTY LATE IN THE GAME FOR THAT. Shit, shit, shit.

I miss you my friends. My absence is for a good cause though. I thought I was getting sick last night and I about had a fit. I am currently overdosing myself on Airborne. I CANNOT BE SICK FOR THE WEDDING. This is my day to shine, dammit. Well, I guess technically it is Catfish's day to shine, but whatever. As her best friend of almost 26 years who was starting to fear she'd never get's a pretty big day for me too.

So, my dear friends, I promise I'll be back full force next week. I WILL begin posting daily again. This WILL be a fun, funny place to hang out again. So hang tight, my sweets.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Alive But Barely

I'm home but both rugrats are sicker than they've ever been. Little kid is refusing meals, which hasn't happened once in his 15 months alive. He also is using me as his own personal love seat and does not tolerate me taking my hands from his fevered little head to type.

Big Kid is a coughing, feverish, gray zombie and got explosive diarrhea on my fancy new monogrammed shower curtain (FUCK).

I'm 3 photo sessions behind and I've got a ton of stuff to do this week, plus we're in the middle of an identity theft nightmare. Some jerk named Scott Santos keeps ordering Gucci and Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses as Mr. Ashley and I'm afraid Mr. Ashley is going to track him down and kill him before the cops bother rousing their fat asses from their desks to pursue it.


Saturday, November 17, 2007

How to Make...

...those fucking turkey cookies.

You will need 2 packages of double stuffed oreos, 1 package of candy corn, 1 package of whoppers, 1 package of red hots (aka cinnamon imperials), 1 can of white frosting, 2 tubes of writing icing for eyes (white and whatever other color you like). EDITED TO ADD: This would make more than 25, but not much more. That's as exact as I can get.

You take the top off an oreo and eat it, set the rest down frosting side up on the plate. Then take a whole oreo, dip it into the white frosting and stick it on top of the first oreo, near the back of the cookie. Take 5 candy corns and shove them into the top of the standing cookie. Take a whopper and stick it in front of the standing cookie, where the head would be. Just push it down into the frosting. Stick a red hot into the frosting next to the head for the gizzard. Chew off the yellow part of a candy corn and attach it to the whopper with a dab of icing. Make 2 white dots with the writing icing (It's icing in a tube, like for cookies). Let it dry for a while and then give just the tiniest dab of the colored icing onto the whites.

Voila. Turkey cookies that will make other moms green with envy. Unless the Jews rob you of your time to shine by having an aide take your turkey cookies and stick them on some random, anonymous cookie table where they will be gobbled up before my child's class is even dismissed to the social room. I would have gotten the Publix 3 dozen like all of the other lame-o moms if I knew that I would be robbed of my hard earned glory and the chance to cement Big Kid's position as the coolest kid in class with the coolest mom. Whatever.

I will say that the Jews put on a damn good show. The Thanksgiving feast was adorable. I do wish my kid had gotten a turkey cookie or that I had gotten the opportunity to even photograph them, but what can you do?

I'm going to do Chapter 1 of last weekend today. I swear. I will not let this whole "working" thing and this whole "desperate need for money" thing stand between me and my imaginary internet world.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Holy Freaking Crap

I just remembered that I signed up to bring 25 turkey cookies to The Jews tomorrow. Apparently this was in the midst of one of those "I'm the best mom in the class" moments and I was feeling more ambitious than I actually am. Damn these overachieving urges I get.

These were last year's turkey cookies. As you can see, each one is lovingly handcrafted and the mutants are all eaten so not only is it a tedious project, it is a fattening one as well. The mom's group last year was appropriately impressed, let's hope I can pull it together for The Jews.

Because I'm not busy or anything, with 3 photoshoots to edit, two full email boxes, 1 birth announcement to design, 3 orders to place, 2 sessions to schedule, 1 shoot tomorrow, an annoying stage mom on my back about her order and a trip to Georgia to plan next week (don't even know what day we're leaving or returning). Not even counting the dirty house or the laundry I'm behind on.

So tonight I make turkeys.

Last Night in the Tub

I used daddy's toothbrush to scrub my penis.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A Dapper Gentleman & His Lady Friend

I Know I Suck

I didn't mean to leave the bachelorette weekend story as a major cliff hanger. I really want to get it all typed out before I forget the funniest parts but I am SO SO busy with the photography stuff that I may be MIA for a couple of days. I will try to get back to you all.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Big Kid

Big Kid: I guess you must have been weally, weally hungwy mommy.

Ashley: Why are you saying that?

Big Kid: Because I'm seein' dat you ated all of my krick or kreek candies.

Ashley: I didn't eat all of it.

Mr. Ashley: Yes she did.

Ashley: No I didn't! I just ate the stuff I knew you wouldn't like.

Big Kid: But how did you know what stuffs I wouldn't wike?

Ashley: I just know because I'm your mom. You don't like sour things, you don't like gummy things that stick to your teeth, you know.

Big Kid: Sometimes I wike some gummy tings.

Mr. Ashley: What about all of the chocolate? He likes chocolate.

Big Kid: Yeah, I do wuv chocowits.

Ashley: Stop you two, you're making me feel bad.

Big Kid: You should not feel bad mudder. I'm da one dat doesn't have Halloween candy anymore. (Big Sigh)

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Stay Tuned...

-2 Child-free nights

-4 Hours at a swanky spa

-1 virtual cat fight

-3 pairs of free flip flops

-70 feet of luxury on the water

-3 dozen Stone Crab claws

-7 (8? 9?) bottles of champagne

-2 Ashleys, 1 a cute male Captain

-7 ladies (if you use the term loosely)

-2 little black dresses

-3 pairs of high heeled boots

-2 bottles of red wine

-5 gourmet Italian Mediterranean entrees

-6 Penises (penii?)

-2 Unamused cab drivers (You know they secretly loved it)

-2 booths danced upon

-1 Upgrade to a VIP table

-4 (5?) Amstel Lights

-4 rounds of drinks on the house

-6 Buttery Nipples (Lordy, lordy how "21" of us)

-99 Problems and a Bitch Ain't One

-99 Red Balloons

-1 stripper pole

-1 bald beaver sighting (as predicted by The_Joyous_Quintet, wait til you see how right you were, my friend)

-1 suspected Hepatitis infection

-$1200 worth of boots ruined

-86 times the phrase "hairless pussy" was muttered, slurred, squealed or screamed after the beave was spotted (for shock value and comedic purposes of course)

-29 "Why didn't you stop me"s from Catfish this morning

-6 cups of freshly ground coffee

-One photo of car going through Sun Pass toll lane with no Sun Pass with $100 ticket attached arriving in the mail at any time

-223 photos taken

-20 days until Another One Bites the Dust

-3 Chapters to this tale

Sneak Preview of Chapter 1: Nothing Standard About It

Friday, November 9, 2007

Listen Closely

Do you hear that, my friends? It's the sweet, sweet sound of FREEEEDOM!!

I've decided to leave for Miami tonight, because Catfish wants me to. If the bride wants you to do something, you pretty much have to do it, so I am leaving behind my dirty house and loud children to sit on her couch and drink wine in her childless South Beach condo. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

We were hoping to hook up with some Aqua Dots so that we could recreate our old Miami weekends, you know, when life was exciting and glamorous and a little hazy through all the drugs. No such luck though. However, I think being kid-free will be very similar to being in a drugged state of euphoria and I'm looking forward to it.

I should have left 10 minutes ago, so this has to be goodbye. Think of me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I Just Read

that Aquadots are being recalled because they are made with a compound that becomes GHB when it is eaten and metabolized. GHB is a popular date rape drug. Aquadots are little beads that stick together when they get wet, which may make kids think that it would be cool to put them in their mouth to see what happens.

Now, I've been trying to give the Chinese the benefit of the doubt with this whole lead poisoning thing. When it was the Thomas the Train stuff, I was worried but not necessarily suspicious. Then came the whole slew of Mattel or Fisher Price toys or whatever and I began to wonder. But now date rape drugs in toys? Um, hello. That's quite the coincidence.

Clearly the Chinese are trying to take over the world. They are trying to sex up, dumb down, and poison our kids so that their overabundance of Chinese kids can rule the universe. I'm on to them. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I am on to them. And I don't appreciate the inconvenience of it all either. I cannot be bothered to ship poisoned toys all over the place.

Maybe India could be trusted to make the toys? I'd prefer that over their call center positions, only because I have a hard time with accents on the phone. But if they can make reasonably priced toys without poison or drugs in them....hired.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I See You

Wanna hear something funny?

Tonight I got the following comment:
Anonymous said...
Are we feeling more anti-semetic than usual???
November 6, 2007 10:08 PM
and I was thinking hmmm, we've been over the Jewish thing before here. I have also stated my case by reminding those in doubt that I do send my child to a Temple preschool, where he learns Hebrew and does Shabbat with the Rabbi every Friday. I even adhere to their pork and meat/dairy rules (pretty much). I probably know more about the culture than most non-Jews and have said before that I agree with their religion on a lot of levels and respect their history and culture. I've said I would convert, only half jokingly, and how much I love the atmosphere of the Temple.
So, I wondered, who is it that is so confused? Maybe a new reader? One of my stalkers? I know all of those Shizzy girls from the Photowow Fiasco (how many of us met, dear readers, since they did more than double my regular readership) have been over here lately, so I put on my trusty detective hat and sure enough, it was one of them. Can we say Loser, with a capital L?

Almost 3 months later and these chicks are still talking about me? Move on already. There's so much better drama out there to be had. Holy freakin' hell.

Anyway, the funniest part is that as I was labeling their IP addresses so I recognize them on future visits, I was able to see how many times each of them had visited. I have some fans! And I love fans, I'll take them anyway I can get them. One of them had 58 visits! Many had between 30-50 visits.

You know I love an audience. In fact, I'd like to personally thank whoever coined "Selfish, Attention Loving Weiner Gobbler" because, as you can see, I ran with that one. That was some funny shit right there

Checking In

I'm still alive, but barely. Maybe skull fractures take a long time to kill a person? I still have one heck of a headache. If the skull fracture doesn't do it, these kids will.

After playing 956 rounds of Imaginary Ice Cream Store (what kind of ice cream parlor is out of chocolate every freakin' time I ask??) and having the little kid cling to me and pick at me all day like a monkey, I'm seriously considering putting up the Superyard baby fence thingy around me and my computer.

I've got to get these last two photo shoots edited and uploaded because I have a shoot tomorrow and one the next day and I just can't stand to be more behind than I already am. However, this is difficult while listing the ingredients of a banana split and calming little kid down after he's realized the injustice of imaginary ice cream, after each imaginary bite.

On a totally unrelated note, I have some updates on The Jews:

-They have suckered us into buying school shirts for spirit day (I don't know if they call it that, that doesn't sound very Jewish). So not only did I get the pleasure of paying for an ugly t-shirt that says Shalom on it, I get to keep track of it and remember to send him to school in it each Friday. How fun is that?

-They also have a scam going where for you can pay seriously inflated prices so your kid can have pizza, juice and a cookie on Fridays. I've held my ground on this one and luckily Big Kid doesn't feel like an outcast yet, although sometimes he says his teacher gives him pizza and a cookie anyway.

-His teachers have come up with Indian names for each of the children based on their personalities (Shouldn't it be Native American names?). Big Kid's is Wise Owl. I love this. They also call him by his French name in the afternoons.

-The Jews are teaching him to recycle. I know, I know, I'm evil and lazy and selfish for not recycling. Really, I feel bad about it and sometimes I do it, but a lot of times I'm just not organized enough to care. It's on the list of things to start worrying about soon. HOWEVER, now The Jews are pushing it, which is great and all and I know they should, but I don't need one more person nagging me about anything, know what I mean? I also think their recycling efforts are ironic since they send home entire forests of paper each day that they expect me to keep track of.

-The other day I went to pick him up. Lately Mr. Ashley has been picking him up. I had the following exchange with a classmate:
Ansley: Who are you? Are you Big Kid's mom or somethin'?
Ashley: Yes, I am. Hi Ansley.
Ansley: Where's his dad?
Ashley: He's working.
Ansley: He never works.
Ashley: Oh yes, he does. He works all the time, he just takes a break to come get Big Kid.
Ansley: Well, he hasn't been working the last 2 weeks or so.
Ashley: Hmmm. I like the painting you're doing there.
Ansley: He hasn't. Usually kids moms pick them up. Except for Big Kid. His dad does.

I finally just started ignoring the little brat. Back off kiddo.

Okay, I'm not getting anywhere in my picture editing efforts and little kid is ripping my hair clip out of my hair, so I guess my attentions are better spent elsewhere.

I have other stuff to talk about, so hopefully I'll be back later. With the Superyard barrier as protection.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Is It Just Me?

Or is Dr. Oz all over Oprah these days? He is forever finding excuses to touch her and don't think I don't notice how his touch lingers. He's not fooling anybody.

If I was Oprah, I'd be on that like stink on poop. I'm just sayin'.

Soldier Down

I was just putting away the broom and somehow it hit the heavy wooden sign above our laundry room door that fell directly onto my unsuspecting head, sharp corner first. I'm pretty sure I have a skull fracture. Mr. Ashley says I'm fine but last time I checked he doesn't have a medical degree, so I just want to tell you all goodbye and that it's been great knowing you, just in case.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Shoot Her

I've joked before that I'm going to make exceptional beauty a prerequisite to being a client of my photography business. As luck would have it, every child I've been paid to photograph thus far has been beyond cute. I'm talking Ralph Lauren model pretty. They have also been natural models and were easy to pose and a general joy to look at and be around. But my last client...not so much.

Don't get me wrong, every child is cute in some way. Well, 99% probably are. This child had cute qualities too, in fact, I am certain that the parents believed her to be cute. But anything cute about her was outweighed by the fact that she was a complete brat.

I spent 45 minutes coaxing this stubborn little shit to do something halfway attractive and worth photographing. I know I seem like a bitch around here, but I am Mary freaking Poppins on photo shoots. Bag of tricks and everything. Her mom was ready to kill her and I was trying to save her further embarrassment and diffuse the situation before a real tantrum started and ended any hope of a few decent shots.

When they finally left, Sonny and I looked around the feather strewn studio and at the pile of tutus and boas in the middle of the floor, took note of my rug burned knees and the ripped background paper, and agreed that I should be charging at least double, maybe triple, for putting up with that kind of shit.

I have no idea how, but believe it or not, the photos turned out pretty cute. Well, as cute as can be for a child who mostly just has youth on her side.

Guess Where I'm Going Next Saturday?

The Standard Spa in Miami!

Be jealous, bitches!

Friday, November 2, 2007

2 Tired 4 Words 2 Night

(Not my house, for you stalkers out there)

Testing out the strength of the hot glue attaching hat to head

Captain Big Kid and his Emmers

Is that a series of photos of my 4 year old riding a mechanical bull in the rain?

Why yes, it is.

I Promise

I'll update you all with photos later tonight. little kid wore the hat!! Yay for no hot glue burns! His costume also stayed mostly together.

By the way, people who give out Starlight mints to Trick or Treaters...don't waste my time on that shit. Seriously, it's not worth the walk up your driveway. Turn off your light and put the bowl away, if we wanted yucky mints we'd snatch some from a receptionist's bowl.

Otherwise, I've been busy testing the boys' candy for poison. It's a tough job, but I do it on a piece by piece basis and I actually put my own health at risk by eating it myself. So far, so good but there is a lot of candy left to be tested.