How to Make...

...those fucking turkey cookies.

You will need 2 packages of double stuffed oreos, 1 package of candy corn, 1 package of whoppers, 1 package of red hots (aka cinnamon imperials), 1 can of white frosting, 2 tubes of writing icing for eyes (white and whatever other color you like). EDITED TO ADD: This would make more than 25, but not much more. That's as exact as I can get.

You take the top off an oreo and eat it, set the rest down frosting side up on the plate. Then take a whole oreo, dip it into the white frosting and stick it on top of the first oreo, near the back of the cookie. Take 5 candy corns and shove them into the top of the standing cookie. Take a whopper and stick it in front of the standing cookie, where the head would be. Just push it down into the frosting. Stick a red hot into the frosting next to the head for the gizzard. Chew off the yellow part of a candy corn and attach it to the whopper with a dab of icing. Make 2 white dots with the writing icing (It's icing in a tube, like for cookies). Let it dry for a while and then give just the tiniest dab of the colored icing onto the whites.

Voila. Turkey cookies that will make other moms green with envy. Unless the Jews rob you of your time to shine by having an aide take your turkey cookies and stick them on some random, anonymous cookie table where they will be gobbled up before my child's class is even dismissed to the social room. I would have gotten the Publix 3 dozen like all of the other lame-o moms if I knew that I would be robbed of my hard earned glory and the chance to cement Big Kid's position as the coolest kid in class with the coolest mom. Whatever.

I will say that the Jews put on a damn good show. The Thanksgiving feast was adorable. I do wish my kid had gotten a turkey cookie or that I had gotten the opportunity to even photograph them, but what can you do?

I'm going to do Chapter 1 of last weekend today. I swear. I will not let this whole "working" thing and this whole "desperate need for money" thing stand between me and my imaginary internet world.