Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Key to Organization, Happiness and World Peace

A fun little bonus for today, just in case I die of mold poisoning during the night.

As a lister (that would be someone who loves making lists, even moreso than accomplishing things listed on said lists), I love notebooks. The thought of a notebook/planner/list making combo is so exciting I feel sick (true, I did feel sick before I found the notebook but this is a different kind of sick.) I know Mr. Ashley is not going to approve of another notebook purchase, especially since the last "House planner" notebook I bought is still sitting untouched. I can tell this is the notebook that would really change things though. He would say $16 is a lot for another notebook, but it is a lot if it would CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE? $16 to change my whole life. How is that not a bargain? Here is the Official Description:

Product Details
If you honestly can’t even remember the last time you looked at your calendar and realized you had no plans, the Eight Days a Week Planner from Bob’s Your Uncle is just what you’ve been looking for.

Designed for those of us who don’t get overwhelmed by being overbooked, the Eight Days a Week Planner has room for all your Monday through Sunday plans, and then an extra column for your Someday plans.

It’s spiral bound so it opens flat, and since you fill in the dates The Eight Days a Week Planner is ready to start whenever you are. Measures 7” x 9 ½”
*A Little Trivia From Jane: “Bob’s Your Uncle” is a phrase commonly used in Britain to indicate success will come easily. It’s reputed to have originated from a 19th century politician, named Robert, who assigned his inexperienced nephew to a prestigious post in government.
I love the whole "Bob's your uncle" thing. Why the hell don't I have an Uncle Bob?

I've Missed My Couch

Holy crap, it's like I'm being sucked into a vortex of Supermomdom or some such shit. I am TIIII-ERD (That's tired in a long, drawn out, dramatic fashion). I also have a headache but that may because I ate some moldy bread today. O, The Glamorous Life of Ashley!

So yesterday I went to Tumble Time and fell in love. Her name is Angie and she seems cool like me (that is so rare, really it is). We talked the whole hour and then went out to lunch afterwards. It was so nice! I invited myself over to her house for drinks, so we'll see how that goes.

That alone was huDgely productive, going to Tumble Time (at the Godforsaken time of 10:00am, who is out that early?), making a friend and then going to lunch but then....then I decided to go bathing suit shopping. It had to be done. I don't know why I got brave enough to do it with both kids, but I admire myself greatly for doing so.

We have a new Loehman's here, have you guys been there?? Wow!! All kinds of expensive designer clothes for so cheap!! I really love this place, I was in there for hours. I tried on 22 different items. I know this because they would only let me take 8 in at a time (I hate this bullshit, I swear it is a scam to see me bra-less, as if I'm going to get 100% fully dressed to come out and retrieve my next 8?).

I realized I had my camera and wanted to take a picture of my ginormous pile of clothes but the fitting room lady was probably already pretty irritated at me since I had been locked in the handicap dressing room for an hour (Hey, if bathing suit shopping with kids isn't a handicap, what is?) and since I had begged and pleaded for her to let me take more than 8 items in twice and since the big kid was talking non-stop, including a running commentary on my clothing choices and how if your tummy hurts and you go poo poo that your tummy feels better. So I settled on just taking a photo of one of my piles. She was probably seriously wondering what the hell I was doing in there with two kids, a pile of bathing suits and a camera.

If you look closely you can see my new flip flops! You can also see that I was delusional just long enough to think that my fat ass would look okay with JUICY jiggling across the back of it. Not so much.

I also loved this little number and in 10lbs it could be within the realm of possibilities (however it will surely be out of stock by then). It was also made by Juicy and retailed for $200+ but was only $60 at Loehman's!! I could look like a fat, saggy Daisy Duke while I'm out on the boat!!

Here is a taste of the chaos that was my dressing room (and a peek at the cute pink and green seersucker Lilly Pulitzer pants I tried on). Don't look at my fat arms:

I told you not to look at my fat arms, you shithead!! I know you studied them intensely and thought to yourself, "Geez, if she'd get off the computer and go for a freaking walk, maybe her arms wouldn't look like ham hocks." Asshole. Also note my rockin' Phil and Ted's E3 doubles stroller in the background. Yes, it is as awesome as it looks.

Anyway, can you believe I found 2 bathing suits??!! Hip hip hooray! Nothing cute enough to post a photo of, but they fit and that is a big plus. I also got a DKNY halter top that I wore today. When I cut the tags off, I realized it is an extra small!! I am an extra large. I understand vanity sizing, but unless DKNY is making a line of clothing that would fit Gilbert Grape's mom, I don't see how it is an extra small. But oh did I feel tiny once I realized I was wearing an extra small!! It looked good too, until the little kid ripped one of the embellishments off of it. Damn kids. I got 2 suits, the shirt, and a headband for $70. Me likey, me likey my friends. All with two kids along for the ride and with a minimal amount of pain.

Now I'm tired and I feel like I'm going to puke and my head's going to explode and I'm wondering if eating moldy bread can kill you. Maybe I could get a court ordered quarantine? It sounds pretty good right now. I just thought I'd share a rare, real life shopping adventure with my virtual shopping friends. And yes, I'm pretty sure two playdates in two days, lunch, and bathing suit shopping does qualify me for Supermomdom.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Speech Delay

Today was the big kid's last day of speech class! I was so happy I even considered having some champagne tonight, because speech class has been a major pain in my ass. However, the big kid loves his teacher and his class of two (siblings in fact, we'll call them Tweedledum and Tweedledummer) and was a little sad about his last day of "school".

You see, he doesn't realize that his teacher seems unqualified and that it is a complete waste of two days a week. Sure it is only a 30 minute class (which the teacher is always at least 10 minutes late for and doesn't make up the time at the end), but when you factor in the showering/dressing/driving time and the fact that we can't go do much on those two days because we're waiting around to do our stupid ass 15 minutes of playing mindless games, it pretty much affects the whole week.

Half of the problem is that his teacher, we'll call her Mrs. Schneider, is clueless and I think the other half of the problem is the Tweedledum/Tweedledummer combo. Their problem is totally different from his. Not to mention Tweedledummer is a real pain in the ass to deal with and Tweedledum never stops talking. It goes something like this:

Tweedledum: Shoe papa shows shoe sha born deer da orseys wib in hee gibs em shorn.
Mrs. Schneider: I don't understand, give me more clues so I know what you're saying.
Tweedledum: Ee orseys, ee wike teat shorn in sharrots. I wike orseys in I wide em and I bwush um and dey go awound all da day wike at.
Mrs. Schneider: Nodding, looking at clock
Tweedledum: Fumtimes bubba ties ew oh but he nawowed but fumtimes I do too.
Mrs. Schneider: Tweedledum, I told you to stay on topic.
(During the course of this conversation Tweedledummer has gotten under the table, taken his shoes off and made lion noises)

First of all, Mrs. Schneider doesn't know that she's gotten off topic because she never has any idea what she's saying to begin with. I am often the interpreter (She was talking about horses in this case). She also never has her slow down, take a breath, E-NUN-CIATE. She makes no effort to get her to speak correctly. Tweedledummer is two years younger and fairly new to the program. It shows. I won't even get into that mess. They're nice kids and all, but they take up a lot of time. Actually, Tweedledum isn't that nice. She's always trying to be first in line, she's a tamborine snatcher, and she's snubbed the big kid a few times when he's tried to make small talk. Sometimes I wish they'd never been born. I'm KIDDING! I said that to shock you, but I do wish they'd been born in another school district.

So during all of this, the little kid is looking around, smiling at me, smelling his fingers, watching Tweedledummer under the table, etc. The big kid has a few minor pronunciation issues, like Fs, Ps, Rs and Ls but his real problem is that he inserts a lot of mumbling into sentences so conversations go like this:
Him: Mommy, Mickey and Minnie and Pluto and Donald went to the castle and eyeheheyeheheyeyeheheheyeyeheyeshimishooshooshesheshooChipandDaleeyeyehehdeheyeyeheheAteLunch.
Me: Hmmmm, that's interesting.

I'm not sure what to do about it, other than get him to slow down and use some more words but I thought Mrs. Schneider would know, it being her job and all. Anytime I ask her a question she stares at me like a deer in the headlights, as if I have caught her red handed impersonating a speech teacher and I get some weird, non-useful answer. All they ever do is flash card games (and she doesn't correct the kids if they totally screw the word up) and work on the concept of "under" and "on". Seriously, how many times can you go over the concept of "under" and "on"? I don't know if my child is exceptionally advanced, but he didn't need 7 classes devoted to it.

Anyway, my point is (this is getting way too long)that I showered and dressed and drove all the way there, sat in the lobby and waited for her as usual and in walks Tweedledum and Tweedledummer with an end of the year gift!! Oh great, make me feel like a real jerk. I even thought the big kid should make her a card but thoughts don't often get me far. So I sat there and felt really bad...for 20 minutes...until I realized that she wasn't coming and the big kid wasn't getting his much anticipated last day of school and we had missed a pool party with the cool moms in my playgroup for this bullshit. Holy hell was I pissed. He kept saying "this is a real bummer", "but what about how will I say goodbye to Mrs. Schneider, my teacher for my class?", "but what about my sticker for being a good boy?". He sadly said goodbye to Tweedledum and Tweedledummer and has talked for the rest of the day how today wasn't a fun day and it was a real bummer.

I am P-I-S-S-E-D. You don't fuck with my big kid. You don't fuck with my pool parties and potential opportunities to drink iced tea and gossip with other mothers while our children entertain themselves. She will pay, my friends. Mrs. Schneider is going DOWN.

I was going to stay today and talk to the principal but he was locked in his office with the cops and a half naked kid. I guess some 3 year old in her underwear drove her bike up to the school by herself from a neighboring subdivision and apparently that's a bigger problem than making Mrs. Ashley shower and dress for no good reason. I don't agree, I don't agree one bit. The big kid having a bummer of a day is a very, very big deal.

Monday, May 28, 2007

I Heart Eliza Bs

So today we went to the new Outdoor World. It was ginormous and had floor to ceiling aquariums and glass elevators and a restaurant and dead animals and camoflauge as far as the eye could see. But the very best thing they had? Eliza B sandals!! I LOVE these! Where have I been, folks? Covered in baby puke on the couch, that's where.

Eliza B Sandals I cannot find the exact pair that I got, but they were navy blue with pink whales and ribbon. I agonized between those and a pair that were black with white jolly roger pirate thingys on red ribbon. Now that I've gone to their site I want about 80 more pairs, but yowza $50 is a lot for flip flops. Plus I live in flip flops and I've recently made a personal resolution to try to put some shoes on and dress up a little every now and again. I've totally sucked at that so far and these won't help. I am definitely, without a doubt getting those pink pirate ones! At Dead Animal World the sandals were only $29.99 and they had lots of cute ones but not quite as cute as the ones on the site. They are a full size smaller than your normal size, but they are comfy and so, so cute. They made my day, that is for sure. They have really neat cork bags too:

Sucks it's $80. It is that cute, I'm just so cheap. And I don't get out much. But I love their stuff and I also love the name Eliza. If I had a whole herd of girls, one would be Eliza. First I'd have Bailey, then Amelia, Evangeline, Charlotte (Charley) and then Eliza. So if I had five girls, I'd have an Eliza. Okay, we've gotten slightly off track here but I love baby names.

We had lunch out and the little kid had to make contact with everyone within a 1 mile radius. A freaking gaggle of waitresses cooing over him while I am sitting there sweating and thirsty after waiting 20 damn minutes for a table and really, I just wanted a drink. I know he's cute, he'll still be here when you get back with my beer. 99% of people that walk up to talk to the little kid don't even acknowledge the existence of the big kid and he's pretty damn cute himself and smart enough to notice their total lack of interest in him. I know people are just clueless but it's a pretty dickin' move, in my opinion.

We decided to see Shrek 3 after lunch and the little kid slept and the big kid loved it! I slept a little too, but what I saw was good. It was nice and dark and cool, there were no kids on me, I pretty much fell asleep right away. I woke up with a start because I heard a baby crying but it was Shrek dreaming about having a baby. The music was really cute and there were lots of clever little jokes. At 30 freaking dollars for 2 movie tickets, 1 coke and a bag of Twizzlers, I could've gotten another pair of Eliza B's, but at least I got a nap out of the deal.

All in all, it was a really good weekend. I hope you all had a Happy Memorial Day too!!

Pants Off Dance Off--WTF???

I'm tired (I think I say this every post, I need uppers or something) but I just had to get on here and ask if you all have seen Pants off Dance off on Fuse? WHAT THE FUCK?? This is totally insane. Is it a joke? Why am I watching it?? Lordy.

I'm having a great weekend and hope you all are too. Mr. Ashley woke up with the kids both mornings (God bless this man!) and made me biscuits and gravy for breakfast (And he cooks!). The boat was total and complete heaven, dolphins everywhere, the water was a pretty greenish color, no one wanted to take a walk with me so I escaped ALONE for a while. Okay, a long ass time. Long enough to lay in the shallow water in the side of the island no one goes to and just float in peace and quiet while looking for shells. Then I took a nap when I got home. Yep, it is tough to be me. I love being a princess (have you heard that Backyardigans song? One of my faves, the big kid likes it too, much to Mr. Ashley's dismay.)

Today we lazed around here and then went to my parents for dinner where we stuffed ourselves full and I ignored the kids and read magazines. Tomorrow we're going to go to Home Depot to get paint for the outside of the house (yay!) and some new plants and we may go do some other shopping too. I'm sure you're all so interested. I mainly came on to tell you to keep an eye out for this Pants Off Dance Off shit, it's too weird, but I know you want a weekend update. I'll be back with something interesting soon.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Baby Oompa Loompa

So the little kid had his 9 month old appointment today and he's been diagnosed with a rare form of OompaLoompaitis. Apparently it happens if your mother feeds you too much carrots and squash (yes, yes, all my fault). Seriously, who the fuck knew??? His nose is orange and now that his pedi pointed it out, all I see when I look at his sweet little face is his yellowish/orange honker. He should be back to normal in about 3 months if we lay off the orange foods (THREE MONTHS PEOPLE. THREE MONTHS OF LOOKING AT AN ORANGE BUTTON NOSE)

Turns out I can't call him fat ass and porker any more, he's only 50% in his weight percentile and 50% in his height. Damn near perfect, no surprise he's mine (except for the orange nose and bad attitude). He got a shot and didn't even cry. Damn kid cries for 80% of the day, but a stranger jams a needle in his leg and he's fine with that. Punk.

The pedi also examined me when I told him I was having chronic sinus issues but was afraid to get on antibiotics because I don't want to deal with thrush. Something about having your nipples feel like they've been mostly sawed off with a plastic butter knife and still allowing someone to suck on them and occasionally bite them just doesn't sit right with me. I don't know, it was nice of him and all, but it was weird having my sons' pediatrician grill me about the color of my snot. He really didn't seem satisfied with my answers, but in all honesty I don't study it.

You know what is even weirder than holding someone's penis while they pee? Holding someone's penis over a public toilet while you have a baby in a sling who is precariously close to falling into said public toilet and/or directly in the urine stream. Ugh.

The big kid was a real asshat all day. I don't know what the hell his problem was but everything was a fight. Real sassy, argumentative,'s not my fault, he makes me that way. Sometimes you have to laugh at the total unreasonable, insane ramblings of an almost 4 year old, at which point he screams, "IT IS NOT DUNNY". To which I respond, "It is pretty dunny." That seriously pisses him off. Punk.

I'm tired and so glad for a three day weekend!! I'll be on the boat tomorrow, at my parent's for steak/swimming/horseback riding on Sunday and probably shopping on Monday. Hip Hip Hooray!!

Think Before You Speak

I need a shirt that says this. Or maybe a tattoo. Not because *I* say anything stupid, God no. For all of the people that are constantly saying stupid shit to me, this one's for you.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Nothing Too Exciting

Okay, I'm back! I know I was gone too long, I hate when life gets in the way. Yesterday I did all kinds of stuff. When I got to my hair appointment, they told me they were so sorry but they'd been trying to get a hold of me to tell me she was running 30 minutes behind. How dare they. How dare they force me to spend a half hour wandering around one of the ritziest, outdoor village style malls in town on a beautiful sunny day.

I also noticed that tourist season is over. I live in a highly seasonal area and logically I knew that season ends for the "society" people after Easter and for the plain old snowbirds after Mother's Day but the parking lots were empty and everything in the stores was on sale and there weren't trolley tour people shuffling around getting in my way. I don't get out much, so this was a delightful surprise.

I stopped in a ritzy boutique and tried on a bunch of expensive clothes I can't afford. Now I know what size I am and can troll E-bay for things I like (I know I'm a Cheap Ass and I'm proud of that). Specifically, I tried on Lilly Pulitzer clothing Why, oh why does expensive clothing fit so much nicer? I swear the dresses and shirts held in my muffin top and pushed up my boobs, and the capris hit my leg at exactly the right spot. But at 50% off, the tank top I liked was $65. I just felt like it was too much of a splurge on the same day as getting my hair done and having Mr. Ashley take a few hours off of work so I could do so. I also stopped by White House Black Market to drool a little, I love that store.

At the salon there was a little resistance about going blonder, not much but she did mention several times that she loves my hair color right now and that it looks so natural. I can't complain at all though, it does look great, it is blonder but still natural, she only charges me $90 for a $175 highlight job and she does a deep conditioning mask on me every time for free. Her dad owns the chain of salons and I've been going on and off for almost 15 years now. They did my hair for free on my wedding day.

I also have a bit of a girl crush on her. We both read the same books and like the same things. We went through this whole big thing last year where we read and watched everything we could get our hands on that was about King Henry the Eighth. I know it sounds dorky but it is a scandalous, exciting, romantic time and I LOVE IT. She was so pissed that I haven't gotten Showtime to watch The Tudors. I'm pissed too. I saw the free preview and loved it. What the hell is wrong with me? We also did a Jesus Christ/Mary Magdalene phase and are going to do Marie Antoinette or Catherine de Medici next. There is this very intellectual, handsome gay guy there that is also into all of it and he always drags his clients over to sit by us and the three of us talk history the whole time. (You would have never guessed this about me, would you?). It is kind of like a book club meeting. Please read "The Other Boleyn Girl" to start your own King Henry the 8th adventure.

She also takes these wild vacations--mountain climbing in other countries, kayaking, rafting, two week long camping/hiking trips in the mountains alone, all kinds of unrelaxing crap every year. So my point is, I love her and that is why I put up with her shit about my hair. She's also probably right, in most instances. They scheduled my next appointment at closing time so the three of us can have a bottle of wine and talk while she does my hair. See why I love her?

On my way home my bestfriend called and proposed getting together for dinner and they were here for the whole evening. She has a daughter 6 months younger than the big kid. Her and I have been friends for 14 years. She also has a 13 year old (God bless her). Her little kid and my big kid are totally BFF (best friends forever). She bosses him around (and has forever) but they're always hugging and kissing and holding hands with each other, so he must not mind the bossing too much. They adore each other though and she is a total trip. She insists on wearing the same Minnie Mouse dress every time they come over (at least once a week) because the big kid loves it. We're going to Disney World together in September and when her mom told her she was pretty nonchalant until she heard she was going on vacation with the big kid and she burst into happy, sobbing tears. Of course, they'll duke it out if they both want the same toy or if she doesn't respond to him quick enough, and sometimes they're bickering ruins me and my bestfriend's "play dates" and that does piss us off, but last night they were good.

So there went yesterday.

Today I had to take the big kid to Speech class. I'm so glad it is over with next week. Halle-freakin-lujah for that. It's a total pain in the ass and will get it's own entry soon. I may wait for his end of the year review because that should be a hoot. I've also been busy because I'm seriously considering doing children's photography part time and have spent lots of computer time looking into that, editing pictures and obsessing about making a website. I've also managed to stir up trouble in a few other places, so really I've been pretty busy. Oh, and I fit in a nap today!! That was the best part of this whole week probably. I did miss you all though, really I did.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, yay for three day weekends!! I'll be back with something funny or some shopping soon. probably.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Ready for a nap

Damn, I'm tired. Really, really, really so very tired. The little kid woke up at 7am and Mr. Ashley had appointments so he was allllllllll mine. Of course now the brat is napping and I'm sitting here too tired to even hop in the shower before the big kid wakes up (he's a late riser).

I have a hair appointment today where I will argue with my stylist about wanting to go blonder and where she will argue back that I will have to deal with roots and I will swear that that will be fine because I love getting my hair done and will come more often and then she'll swear that I always say that and end up having to cancel and postpone appointments due to money and childcare issues. Then she'll cave and pretend to go much lighter, but really only go a little bit lighter in a few streaks, and I'll probably be happy when I leave, annoyed when I get home and over it by tomorrow.

My point is, don't expect much today. I will be lounging around the salon reading gossip rags and having my scalp massaged. (It's okay to be jealous)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Things to Make Life Easier

Hmmmm, those photos are smaller than I intended. I'm not redoing it though, you're just going to have to squint or zoom in or use your imagination.

First on the list, a memo pen! I love this idea because I love lists and I love notebooks and I love pens. But when I go out I never have a notebook AND a pen (I usually leave the notebook in the diaper or purse or car) It has 2 feet of paper in the cap. I'm not sure what you do once that paper runs out, but I'm sure they've thought of that. $20

Pretty file folders! I swear I'd pay bills and keep important paperwork organized if it was this much fun. $12 for 12 folders

Damask print garbage bags! I know, I know, they are totally ridiculous but I really do love them. I'm not exactly sure how they'd make life easier but they'd sure make it a little more enjoyable. $10 for 20 bags

It's called a lazy spoon and I think it was a great idea! I have a pretty pottery spoon rest but I don't like getting it dirty and having to wash one more freaking thing. I guess I could rest the dirty spoon on a paper towel, but I just thought of that and it isn't nearly as much fun as this. $24

I think this little strainer is neat. I don't know why, I guess because I so resent all the space my big strainer takes up and it tumbling out of the cupboard onto my feet all the time. I've been considering one of those ones that collapses flat. I guess this one may not take care of all of my straining needs? I don't know, I like it anyway. $12

Woohoo that silver handheld vacuum is FAAAN-CEE. For $140 it should bathe the kids and put them in bed. I wonder why it has no reviews on Amazon? My Dustbuster probably works just as well but this would go better with my apron and heels.

Just in case you're too cheap (smart) to splurge on the $140 glorified dustbuster, here is the next best thing. Her name is Swan and her story is that she is a lovely ballerina awaiting her Prince Charming. She is hoping that Mr. Right comes along to join her in cleaning and sweeping allowing them to live together happily ever after. (And no, I didn't make that corny crap up, took it straight off the site). Things with stories are always cute in my book.

I have found the solution for my hatred of ironing!! NAKED MEN! I'm not sure Mr. Ashley would go for it and 14 British Pounds probably equals $2 trillion dollars these days, so I doubt I'll ever have the joy of ironing over that little towel cover and watching it disappear. Doesn't that seem magical though?

Mary Poppins, the nanny of my dreams. I know the big kid likes her and I'm almost positive the little kid would go for it. She'd have to be an acceptable substitute for me, I would think. I don't want to never see the kids, I just don't want to bathe them, feed them or wipe their butts. I'd also think she could help with the housecleaning? Because that would rock. Unfortunately I have no link for Mary Poppins, but here is a website that can help find a great nanny:

So there you have it. You can buy an easier life and you deserve one.

I'm No Supermom

So, I know I owe you all a "Things that would make our lives easier" (my life anyway) Shopping Adventure but I've been busy playing Super Mom all day. I belong to a playgroup full of Super Moms who are involved in all kinds of activities with their kids every day of the week. They are amazing women and I want to be just like them when I grow up one day. Instead I aim for one thing every one or two weeks and have a playdate with my bestfriend and the big kid's girlfriend one day a week. I really think that's plenty for us. When I get a Blackberry and can feed my internet addiction from the road, maybe we'll get out more.

This morning we went to a pottery painting place and I stamped the big kid's hands and the little kid's feet onto square plates. Later I will go back and add their names and birthdays and some decorative touches and they will glaze them for me and I will use them for Special Day plates. They turned out really cute but will surely look like crap after I add my decorative touches. I will also have to better define Special Day because every single day since early December, when I took the big kid to the zoo with this pretty little girl he has a crush on, we have had the following conversation:

big kid: Well mommy, it's a special day.
me: Why is it a special day, honey? (yes, I am nice to the brats)
big kid: Well, actually...(thoughtful pause here) It's always a special day.

How freaking weird is that? Who talks like that? He says it in a really strange, sing songy little tone too (he has a sweet squeaky little muppet voice). We don't say things like "It's a special day." And I am absolutely not exaggerating when I say that this happens EVERY SINGLE DAY!! At any random point of the day or night. It is adorable but odd.

After pottery painting we went to the park (sucked, it's way too hot for that shit), back home for lunch (sucked, I had to make lunch AS USUAL) and then to speech class (sucked, that lame shit deserves a blog entry of its own.)

So now I'm really tired because I don't even go out once a day, little less go out twice a day and to 3 places. Whew. It was a lot. The little kid in a sling at all three places by the way, because he's a firm believer in Attachment Parenting (me, not so much). So I'm too tired to do our Shopping Adventure right now. I have it mostly ready so maybe I can do it when these damn kids go to bed. No promises though. I'm a no promises kind of girl.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Just Another Manic Monday

Do you see these sad little faces? Poor, poor children, forced to entertain themselves for a few minutes today. The little one is taking it so badly that he gets two photos, because he's extra sad about it and needs extra thoughts from you all.

I had to watermark the photos because when you have kids as cute as mine, you have to be extra cautious about people stealing their photos and passing them off as their own online. Not everyone makes Exceptionally cute children. I do two things well: #1. I make Exceptionally cute children #2. I complain about my Exceptionally cute children. I will NOT have other people taking credit for my good DNA, I simply will not. Try harder to make your own cute kids.

You know what is impossible to live without? Paper towels. I've been out for 3 days now and it's totally ridiculous. What's that you say? Run my lazy ass to the store? No. The store is far away and that is Mr. Ashley's responsibility. I plan on doing a whole shopping adventure dedicated to things that would make our lives easier (some freaking paper towels being #1 on my list, have you tried finger painting with no paper towels? Don't.) but I have to pretend to clean the house up first while Mr. Ashley is at the dentist so it looks like I did something today. It's so hard to keep up the charade, really it is.

I want to thank my fellow August 06 mama Dana for leaving me a comment! There are lots and lots of you out there reading, but not many comments. I've had some friends say they aren't clever enough to leave comments.....I'm not really looking for you to be clever. Don't try to steal my show. I only started a blog to talk uninterrupted, I'm just not appreciated enough on the message boards. If we're talking about anything other than ME, ME, ME we've gotten off topic. So, I'll be the funny one, you just tell me I'm funny or it sucks to be my kids or hello or anything really. I have been told that I'd get more comments if I enabled anonymous commenting, but frankly I don't trust you all. There's some mean beyotches out there and I don't have time to track you all down and kick your asses.

The big kid wants lunch. Wants, wants, wants, wants. People in hell want ice water. I'll be Bach (you be Beethoven).

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sunday is Family Fun Day

Sunday, Sunday, it's a family fun day, says the wise old Moose A. Moose. Kids can be fun when they're not tearing up the house, injuring themselves or others or whining. So here are a few quick fun things that the Ashleys do to entertain themselves and each other:

I Know An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. This is a real favorite around here, done at least once a day I would say. It must be done with great enthusiasm, creativity and passion or it's pretty much just too long, loud and boring. I'll walk you through it, in case you're not familiar:

(With great gusto, don't forget)
I know an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady that swallowed a spider,
that wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her
(at this point in the chorus, I like to do a surprise tickle attack on someone)

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady that swallowed a bird
Oh My, how absurd to swallow a bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
that wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a cat
Imagine that, she swallowed a cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a dog
My what a hog, to swallow a dog
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a goat
Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a cow
I don't know how she swallowed a cow
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed that fly
I guess she'll die

I know an old lady that swallowed a horse.
She's dead of course!

I also like to add animal sounds, high notes and dramatic pauses. I can't believe I just typed that all out, my genius self just realized I could have copied and pasted from somewhere. I hope someone bothers to read it.

We're also big fans of:
Give me five
Up high
Down low (put your hand out and then snatch it away as they're about to do it)
Yell "TOO SLOW" and tickle them instead. Cracks The big kid and his girl friend up every time.

We enjoy singing and dancing to Jamie Kennedy's "Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot, Now you got your cootie shot", yelling "Shake it, don't break it, it took your mama 9 months to make it" throughout random times of the day, with snippets of "Hey Ya" by Outkast and of course "Da Club" by 50 cent at appropriate times. Believe it or not, we don't listen to a lot of rap. It's just more fun to sing and dance to. Seeing the big kid yell "Shake it like a polaroid picture" while shaking his bum bum is pretty priceless.

Speaking of the big kid, he just told me he can make his penis into a flower. Interesting. Why, oh why don't I have girl children? The little kid is sick, so he gets to be my Cupcake today for his all day pity party. I'd better go deal with them. You should go serenade your family with a rousing edition of "I know an old lady" in my honor. It's really the least you could do after I typed all that crap out. Or you could go hide in the bathroom with a book and pretend you're pooping, I get some good reading time that way. Either way have a Happy Sunday.

Friday, May 18, 2007

House Bitch Uniform

So this may or may not come to a total surprise to you all, but I'm really not a domestic goddess in any way, shape or form. I do want to be one though, really I do! So my newest thinking is that maybe if I dressed the part of Domestic Goddess, I would magically transform into one. Clothes make the woman, right? It must be true because these "lounge" clothes (as I prefer to call pajamas) are clearly making me a lazy slob.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this "Bitch" apron. It's funny, cute, kitschy and practical! Wouldn't it be fun to put one of these on to whip up dinner for the family?
I found this treasure at HBIC (which stands for "Head Bitch in Charge", O How I Love Thee!) Etsy store: $24. The potholder is also from HBIC and is on sale for $6.

That sassy pin up girl dish towel is from JLS Designs for $10:

The headband ($6) and adorable dish gloves ($15) are from Busy B Boutique I actually had the pleasure of doing business with this seller when I bought a similar pair of dishgloves for a friend of mine. From what I hear, they make cleaning up dog puke more fun!! You should feel pretty while cleaning up dog puke, yes?

That fancy feather duster is $50! It does look pretty luxurious though, perhaps it's for more than dusting? Hmmm. Check it out for yourself at Domestikit:

There we go, I'm pretty sure we solved the problem of my dreary and constantly dirty kitchen today!! By this time next week I should be one Happy House Bitch with all this gear.

Come on Bedtime!

Good God, when is bedtime????? This day is neverending. As I type the big kid is pleading with me to please, please press the sunshine button on my computer. There is no sunshine button on my freaking computer kid, if there was it would be worn down to a nub by now!! He just finished sobbing because I'm unwilling to catch any more premium footage of him on camcorder, for him to watch back and his laugh his ass off at over and over and over again. He's funny don't get me wrong, but not quite as funny as he thinks he is.

Usually the big kid is the good one (and that's not saying much) but today he has been non-stop annoying. He pretty much ruined my baby pool relaxation plan. I even scheduled it so the Terror would be napping, but the big kid had to have a hissy fit about the bugs in the pool. Our baby pool has a cover, so it is just the occasional love bug, but he is insistent I spend the entire time scooping out love bug carcasses. I was also splashed incessantly (he knows I hate that shit!!) and used for a horsey game at one point. Needless to say, my book got soggy but not read.

I decided to be productive (anything to avoid cleaning the house!) and figure out the dvd camcorder I got for Christmas. What a pain in the ass this thing is! I still don't know what is going on, I'm not even sure what to ask or who to ask. I think I figured it out but don't know if I will again. I think I prefer my old method of shoving teeny tiny cassettes, that would never fit in a VCR without an accessory I don't have or can't find, into random drawers and boxes, often unlabeled, possibly never to be seen again.

All in all, not a very fun or productive day. Poor Mr. Ashley broke a tooth and has to work late so he's not much fun either. Oh, I did have a really good idea!! While I was filming Future Superstar Big Kid, I was thinking that it would be neat every year on his birthday to ask him the same questions and record his answers. I'm thinking:

-What's your name, age and phone number?
-Where do you live?
-What's your favorite color?
-What do you want to be when you grow up?
-What is your favorite animal?
-What is your favorite tv show?
-Who is your favorite person?
-Say Supercalifragilisticexpyaladocious (Totally guessed on the spelling there, but I think it looks good!!)
-Will you sing me a song?

I think it could be really, really cute, if I actually remember to do it and if he willingly participates.

Oh and btw, if I hear "Why?" one more time today I am going to fucking lose it. LOSE IT I TELL YOU. BECAUSE I SAID SO AND I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN, THAT IS WHY.

Another Day in Paradise

I'm up at the freaking asscrack of dawn because Mr. Ashley had appointments this morning. Okay, actually 8:00am and I'm lucky the little kid slept so long, it's like a world record or something for him, but I reserve the right to complain at any and all times.

I seriously need a house bitch. Is a pot of freshly brewed coffee too much to ask for upon waking?? Damn. Like I'm going to make it myself? Think not. Also, it's about the kitchen. I hate that place. I spend way too much time each day cleaning it up, only to find it a total mess again the next day!! What the fuck?!?! It never ends, it really doesn't. Don't even get me started on laundry....

Mr. Ashley was nice enough to fill our ginormo baby pool before he left. Something about the kids not getting out enough?? Whatever. Damn brats do plenty, trust me. Regardless, it will be nice for me to be able to read and work on my tan today. After taking 15 minutes to lather those damn kids up with sunscreen, finding various accessories so as to facilitate them NOT pooping in my pool, dragging 20lbs of crap to entertain them out to the back deck, etc. I deserve some relaxation. I plop the little kid's fat ass into his Bumbo seat and give him as much watermelon as he can stomach and I scream at the big kid to stay on his own side of the pool and quit splashing me for God's sake, and then all is all right with the world. For 10 minutes or so until someone starts whining to go back in.

The little kid is climbing up my leg and smelling suspiciously like poop. OHHHHH HOUSE BITCH.... Oh wait, that's me damnit. DAMN IT. I just changed his freaking diaper, I swear the little turd waits for a fresh one! Break time's over. Time to start the day, with a smile on my face and the smell of poop in the air.

Thursday, May 17, 2007


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Hallelujah, Can you hear the angels sing?

I shit you not, two minutes after I saw Monogram Momma’s St. Anthony comment I went to feed the little one, accidentally dropped the baby food jar lid and found the remote control in the wine chilling bucket in the pantry. Who would’ve thunk it? I was ecstatic, first of all because I found the remote, second of all because Monogram Momma (who is the woman I aspire to be, so far I’ve only gotten as far as starting a blog and begging Mr. Ashley for monogrammed towels, but in all fairness I just found her a week ago) was instrumental in bringing the remote back to where it belongs!! I guess this means St. Anthony is eligible for the reward!! Yay, yay, yay!!

So things were looking up. The remote had been located, Mr. Ashley and the big kid were getting ready to go to school and I had a blog entry to write! Then (probably because he could sense my happiness) the big kid had to go and slam the little kid’s fingers in his door, because the big kid is always trying to keep the little kid out of his room, and a bunch of screaming, crying, cursing ensues. The big kid is screaming he's not going to school and Mr. Ashley is saying that's fine but he's taking all of the fun stuff out of his room. All of a sudden, everything was in slow motion: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He MUST go to speech class (more about speech class later, what a joke). I have quiet time to enjoy!!!

The little kid was pissed but fine after an extra feeding and Mr. Ashley got things under control and took the big kid out of here. So I sat down, remote in hand, feet on coffee table, hit refresh and.......MOTHERFUCKER, my internet was down. So here I was, in a quiet (messy) house, with nothing (fun) to do. Boy, was I pissed. So I sat down and watched Memoirs of a Geisha, because it is on my list of things to do. It was a good movie, I almost thought I wanted to quit the whole SAHM thing and be a Geisha girl, but now I realize I just really want a Kimono and someone to dress me. And maybe an opium pipe. That's all.

What do you think? Will it cover my muffin top? Time to trade in my Old Navy lounge pants and tank top (aka my "uniform for life") for a kimono and obi? There is also excellent butt coverage and no one would have a clue that my upper arms were flabby. It's a thought.

I've also been in touch with Carol, from Carol Lee Designs (You know the "sucks to be you" card girl). Here is a link to her blog: Her little one was born one day after mine! Okay, I still plan on doing some online shopping show & tell tonight but Mr. Ashley is asking about dinner (yeah, what about it?). He refuses to consider blogging "working" if I'm not being paid. What a rip. So I'll be back later.

All Points Bulletin

That's right. I'm still in Noggin hell. Mr. Ashley thinks cleaning the house would do more good than wanted posters, but what does he know? The big kid saw me making the wanted poster and screamed, "YOU FOUND IT, YOU FOUND IT. THE WEMOTE ATROLL!" But I have not found it. I don't even have any good leads.

Don't worry, I have more interesting things to discuss today than my lost remote control. I see shopping in our very near future, hopefully Mr. Ashley will take the big kid to speech soon and I'll be free to laze around guilt free. Speaking of the big kid, he's sitting right up on me, naked as a jaybird and doing some sort of penis puppetry. I'm sick of the constant nudity and all of the penises around here, really I am. Put on some freaking clothes kid, I don't want your poop-residue covered ass on my couches.

I'll be back soon, hopefully with a happy reunion story. What's that saint of lost things? I'm no Catholic but maybe he could help a sister out here.

MISSING: Beloved Remote Control, Black w/Buttons, REWARD

My Remote Control is gone. Totally missing. I have torn the house apart.

We had a playdate today and I highly suspect the big kid and his little girl friend of squirreling it away somewhere. This is a catastrophe. Honestly, it's a spankable offense. I don't really spank, not because I disagree with spanking, but because that little punk can run faster than I can.

So my television is stuck on Noggin, of all channels. Freaking Noggin, story of my life. The swat team could be surrounding my house, live on all networks, with a serial killer on the roof and I'd be inside watching Moose A. Moose and his friend Zee count worms. Good God. Tonight I've seen 3 episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Suite Life of Zach & Cody and DeGrassi: Porn for Pre-teens. Either I'm too old or these kids are too old, but someone is too old. No wonder these kids are all sexed up, it is clearly Noggin's fault. Oh I guess it's "The N" or some such crap at night. It's just not right.

Please everyone think positive thoughts about my remote. I really can't take much more of it. I will offer a $50 reward and my undying devotion to whoever finds it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Sincerely Yours

So the Woman I Want to Be is excellent with correspondence. Correspondence is actually more than just buying lots of stationary, I guess you're supposed to write on it and send it out, thus keeping in touch with loved ones. But where to find some loved ones? I don't know about you guys, but some days it's easy to find unloved ones or "not loved so much right now" ones. So drop them a line, let them know you haven't forgotten what a pain in the ass they are.

I love the card featured above. If the little one could read, I'd probably send that to him (kidding!! With the cost of postage these days, forgetaboutit). When the big one was born and the nurse was bathing him for the first time, he was crying and she told him life was a bitch. It's a good thing she had cool parents in the room that agree that life is a bitch, because that kind of talk would not fly with a lot of first time parents. He learned young, but the little one still seems clueless about it all. Anyway, pick up this little beauty, along with several other cards of questionable humor at the Cuckoobrains etsy shop http://

Carolee Designs at Etsy makes it easy to tell people how you really feel with her "hate mail" line of cards. I am particularly fond of this "sucks to be you" card, which is one of my favorite sentiments of sympathy. She also has gems such as: We'll look back on this one day & I'll tell you I told you so, Bitch, Good luck with that, If I were in your shoes I'd cry too, What were you thinking, and No returns (perfect for a baby or wedding announcement!).

I love these cards for all occasions from Oplusd
I actually ordered the one shown here for a friend and it was good quality and said something cute on the back too. I can't remember what it said, or even an approximate version, because having children killed all of my brain cells. Drugs don't kill brain cells, children do. Anyway, I will definitely be ordering more of these in the future.

So let's all go find our favorite pen, a card and envelope, a return address label (a cute one, not one of those cheap ass freebie charity ones. We are cheap asses, but we are customized cheap asses. I get the family caricature ones from, a .39 cent stamp and then a .02 cent stamp and...damn that's a lot of work. Or just promise yourself you'll drop an email instead and enjoy a cool beverage. Either one is fine really, it's up to you.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Junkfood for Babies

The little one is going to weigh 300lbs. He's happy when he's eating or I'm performing a 3 ring circus for his personal delight, and that's pretty much it. He's also pretty good for Mr. Ashley.

Mr. Ashley works from home and he's nice enough to wake up when little one does during the week and let me sleep until 9am (VERY NICE!!). Apparently the little one is a perfect little gentleman for those 2 hours until the moment he lays eyes on me, at which point he immediately starts crying and screaming. What's up with that? I carry him for 10 months (the 9 months thing is b.s., don't get me started on that), I had morning sickness like nobody's business for 14 freaking weeks, my back hurt, I can't even list it all really. Don't even get me started on the whole labor thing, Good Lord. Breastfeeding for 9 months, cracked nipples, THRUSH, NEVER SLEEPING THROUGH THE FREAKING NIGHT, it goes on and on. My point is, this is my repayment? Waking up first thing to him shrieking and charging at me? Come on kid.

So to appease him while I deal with the big one, because he still needs stuff too, Terror in the house or not, I give the little one an eggo waffle. Okay, usually it is two. I feel bad about it, really I do. He likes them frozen because he is teething and they feel good on his teeth. EGGO WAFFLES. Total junkfood for an (almost) 9 month old. For Shame. I swore it wouldn't happen again, when cheeseburger was one of the big one's first words, I swore I'd do it right next time. So shoot me.

I've been doing baby sign language with the little one, usually just eat, more, drink and ball so far. He usually just screams or smiles or sits there but I keep doing it. I think he gets so crabby because he just wants to walk and talk. It's never going to happen if he sits on his fat butt and screams all day. Anyhoo, the other day I was eating some pork fried rice and the little one started getting really excited and trying to get to me. I looked at him and he frantically did the sign for eat 3 times in a row! So I had to give him some and you should have seen how happy he was with himself. He also seems to love Chinese takeout, oops.

Now to make up for all of the shit talking I do about the little one, if you met him in person you'd tell me I'm a liar. That's his thing, he's a smooth operator and good at making me look like the bad guy. In public he's all smiles and kisses and giggles. He is a total doll and has a real sparkle in his grin and he is generous with it. It's sometimes embarrassing to go out with him because he stares at people and grins and shrieks until they look at him and then he giggles and coos. It is ridiculous, he's got to talk to everyone all the time. Sometimes I just want to grocery shop or eat at a restaurant in peace, you know? But he is awfully cute and one of those smiles makes me forget the abuse, almost.

Child Abuse

I'm being abused by a child. Well technically, two of them but the physical and blatant emotional abuse comes from the little one. I am his human lovey and to soothe himself he must grab my face, claw my nose, pull my hair, jam his fingers in my mouth and scratch my gums, pinch my arms until they bruise and twist my ears. There's only so much one person can take, after hours of this I just want to scream. However, he can scream louder so I don't. I sit there and take it sometimes, just to keep him happy. He rams the backs of my ankles brutally with his walker and shrieks with laughter as I howl in pain.

He also likes to sit on my lap, fondling my breasts and smiling down at them. Sometimes I wake up at night to find him fiddling my nipples like radio dials. It borders on inappropriate. There is lots of boob groping going on and he loves to try to show them off in public. He's like a fat, bald, dirty little man.

The emotional abuse includes, but is not limited to: Crying every single time I put him down, following me around the house crawling or in his walker while sobbing and grabbing at me, pooping 4-5 times a day, only saying MA MA in an angry and confrontational manner, screaming in his room like he's on fire and then being all smiles the second I pick him up, immediately whining and crying whenever he sees me, depriving me of food and private bathroom time and talking mean to me.

There is also some emotional abuse inflicted by the big kid such as: making loud mouth noises on purpose, asking why about every freaking thing in the world, talking about crazy crap that makes no sense and insisting I take part in the conversation, depriving me of food and private bathroom time and talking mean to me.

There you have it. Child abuse isn't always about the children.

Customized Kids

So some days I wonder, Why did I have kids? And then I remember, because baby stuff is so much fun to buy!! The choices are endless, you can buy anything to make parenting easier these days (except something to hold penises and wipe butts, but I'm sure someone's working on that). There are so many cute kid's stores, so many cute kid's clothes. Isn't it our job as mothers to make sure our kids are cuter than everyone else's? Dressed nicer? Sure you haven't brushed your teeth in two days and you're wearing maternity jeans but damn it, these kids need to look good!! Things I love:

Baby legs! I think they are so cute! Think leg warmers for babies. They have tons of different colors and patterns and are so freaking cute under a skirt or dress I can't stand it. I think they are also adorable on my little kid's chubby legs but my husband thinks they are gay, so we only have one pair. I assure you, they are not gay. What's gay about leg warmers? Well, for babies I mean. And if they are gay, what's wrong with that? They're cute and you only get to dictate clothing choices for so long. At $12 or so, I think they're a bargain too.

Diapees and Wipees cases! These give me the appearance of being organized. Mine holds 2-3 diapers and a travel sized thing of wipes and is so much nicer to pull out of my bag than a handful of wrinkly, balled up diapers that have only surfaced after pulling 90lbs of other crap out of my bag to find them. Other moms always ask me about it. I suspect they're jealous and they covet my diapee case but everyone can have one for the mere $15 price tag: This item is technically for you and NOT for those damn kids so buy yourself one and enjoy it! Feel slightly cuter when preparing for a public diaper change, you deserve it!

Small Paul Clothing line! I love all things Paul Frank. Julius the monkey is a beloved friend around here. As a matter of fact, my dear husband let the big kid pig out on chocolate icecream in his julius shirt and did not take proper pre-treating measures. This entry has reminded me that he has yet to make it up to me and the big kid and he will be purchasing a new Julius shirt and that Yo. shirt ASAP. Pronto mister, don't make me tell you twice! Plus, that shirt was a souvenir from a Key West vacation, so we'll have to go back for another one. I also love appaman stuff, but it is muy expensivo. I have found a few appaman lookalikes at Target and that will tide me over until I'm making Brangelina kind of money. This stuff came from I also like to search ebay for the $$ clothes, because at heart I really am a cheap ass. I just have expensive taste.

Tu-tus!! Be still my beating heart...I love tu-tus so much that I have even considered having yet another damn kid just on the off chance I'd get a girl to put a tu-tu on. But we all know I'd have a third boy and a lifetime's worth of arguments with Mr. Ashley as to whether or not wearing a tu-tu would have a negative impact on a male child (I believe it would not). Regardless, every girl child from 3 to 13 should own one. The tutu shown is from an etsy shop called Ruby & Myrtle: http:// Rumor has it that you can make these yourself with no sewing ability, but I'm pretty lazy and would somehow make a mess of such an endeavor. If you think you can, google "no sew tutu" or something and get to it! Think of the photos!! That's another reason I had kids, all of the great photo opportunities. That is, if you think the big kid baring his teeth and squinting his eyes while lunging towards the camera in order to see himself on the LCD screen is a great photo opportunity.

Okay, enough of this for today. Have fun customizing your kiddos, do it before they are 13 and wanting to dye their hair purple and paint their fingernails black.

It's a Shitty Job Some Days

You know what's weird? Holding someone's penis for them while they pee. The big kid has recently decided that peeing standing up is the way to go, but for some reason my participation is required. Seriously, that's love. You know you're a mother when you can hold someone's penis while they pee and only feel slightly skeeved by the whole thing.

What's that you say? I should be happy he's out of diapers and wanting to pee in the potty? Uh, yeah. The big kid doesn't poop. Well, he does but we have to force him via prescription something or other. One day in November we had a HUDGE (spelled wrong intentionally, it's funnier this way) diaper blow out in the car. He was screaming, "MOMMY, IT'S POOPY, MOMMY HELP" while holding his crap covered hand over his baby brother's carseat, his dripppppppppping crap covered hand. Sweet Jesus. Of course we were in a major construction zone and we had a big truck next to us so it felt like my SUV could barely fit in the lane as it was. There was nowhere to pull over. The big kid was in hysterics for a napkin and I had none and could not take my eyes off the road for a second to look. I threw him his brother's blanket and he sobbed that this was not a napkin, he could not use this it was not a napkin. I tried to keep him calm and convince him to do it but please not scrape the crap off of his hand and into his brother's carseat.

We pulled over the first place we could, five agonizing, gut wrenching minutes later. He begged and pleaded for me to use "safety scissors" to cut the shorts off, but alas I had no safety scissors. I probably would have done it though. I won't go into the details of cleanup, because really the story is bad enough as is and I believe I've made my point, but the truth is he hasn't pooped willingly since. Let me further explain that the big kid is much like Niles on Frasier. He washes his hands meticulously several times a day and likes things neat and clean (I know, I know how did I end up with this kid?? I hear often how messy the house is. Thanks brat, pick up a broom).

Until I put 2 and 2 together the not pooping was a big mystery. There was even a trip to the emergency children's hospital 3 hours away with the expectation of a week long stay and major surgery. But no, the big kid was not dying or suffering from a rare condition. He had just decided not to poop anymore. So although I should be grateful for each and every bowel movement I suppose, I'm really pretty sick of scraping loaves of crap off of an almost 4 year old. I've tried reward systems, I've tried not being emotional, I've tried bribes so big it'd embarrass me to tell you, but we are getting a big fat F on potty training. Well maybe a C since he will pee, as long as I'm holding the penis. I wasn't going to mention this, but why not, we're all friends here, I'm even commanded to give it a little shake when he's finished up. Yep. The joys of motherhood.

What Am I Doing Here?

So I had this Big Idea to start a blog in February, because I was having fun virtual shopping and putting together some outfits for friends of mine. Like all of my Big Ideas, I got tired of it, saw the next Big Idea in the future and abandoned the project entirely. I've been thinking of it again (because I always eventually feel guilty about the abandoned Big Ideas) and I believe it could be fun, especially if I could talk about whatever I want (read: bitch about these damn kids). I really don't need anything else to encourage this nasty, nasty internet addiction that I suffer from but like all addicts I'm going to go ahead and play the Denial Card in order to continue on my merry way.

Anyhoo, Here is my confession for the day that also conveniently ties into the title of my blog: sometimes I hide from my children in my closet. I make sure they're safe first. I put the little one in his cage and make sure the big one is busy or distracted enough for me to run and hide and then I go in there and sit on the floor for a moment. A girl's gotta think every once in a while and it's just not possible when hearing "C is for Cookie, it's good enough for me, mwah mwah maaaa" 40 million freaking times a day thanks to that great toy some genius gave them.

I love my kids, they're a blessing, they are the cutest kids in the world, blah blah blah, but it's not always easy. The little one is a real Terror and the big one's always asking questions and wanting stuff and they both use me as a human jungle gym. They can both be perfectly happy and I swear, one of them will look up and realize that I'm relaxed and the whining and crying starts up pronto. Geez Louise. So after a few hours of this routine, it's into the closet with me. I even have a magazine in there. I swear it's only for a minute or two but that's enough to readjust sometimes. I used to use the bathroom but they caught onto that and make it a point to ensure that one of them is either in the room staring at me or screaming at the top of their lungs while I am trying to do my business. Seriously, isn't going poo in peace a basic human right of some sort? I'm pretty sure it is. If not, it should be.

So maybe I'll take up the blog again with the following conditions: 1. It cannot interfere with real life more than the computer already does (hmmm, perhaps I could take the computer into the closet!) and 2. I cannot get mad if no one reads it. After all, how many people are going to want to read about the crazy days of a bored stay at home mom to two really odd children? The kids are funny and all, but certainly not sensational. I'll also talk shopping because really, that's what life is all about. Stuff. Cute stuff. The stuff I can't have. But we can look and we can dream and we can pretend we're shopping for real with the occasional break to wipe a poopy butt or to sit on the closet floor with our hands over our ears. Now let's begin.