Tuesday, May 15, 2007

It's a Shitty Job Some Days

You know what's weird? Holding someone's penis for them while they pee. The big kid has recently decided that peeing standing up is the way to go, but for some reason my participation is required. Seriously, that's love. You know you're a mother when you can hold someone's penis while they pee and only feel slightly skeeved by the whole thing.

What's that you say? I should be happy he's out of diapers and wanting to pee in the potty? Uh, yeah. The big kid doesn't poop. Well, he does but we have to force him via prescription something or other. One day in November we had a HUDGE (spelled wrong intentionally, it's funnier this way) diaper blow out in the car. He was screaming, "MOMMY, IT'S POOPY, MOMMY HELP" while holding his crap covered hand over his baby brother's carseat, his dripppppppppping crap covered hand. Sweet Jesus. Of course we were in a major construction zone and we had a big truck next to us so it felt like my SUV could barely fit in the lane as it was. There was nowhere to pull over. The big kid was in hysterics for a napkin and I had none and could not take my eyes off the road for a second to look. I threw him his brother's blanket and he sobbed that this was not a napkin, he could not use this it was not a napkin. I tried to keep him calm and convince him to do it but please not scrape the crap off of his hand and into his brother's carseat.

We pulled over the first place we could, five agonizing, gut wrenching minutes later. He begged and pleaded for me to use "safety scissors" to cut the shorts off, but alas I had no safety scissors. I probably would have done it though. I won't go into the details of cleanup, because really the story is bad enough as is and I believe I've made my point, but the truth is he hasn't pooped willingly since. Let me further explain that the big kid is much like Niles on Frasier. He washes his hands meticulously several times a day and likes things neat and clean (I know, I know how did I end up with this kid?? I hear often how messy the house is. Thanks brat, pick up a broom).

Until I put 2 and 2 together the not pooping was a big mystery. There was even a trip to the emergency children's hospital 3 hours away with the expectation of a week long stay and major surgery. But no, the big kid was not dying or suffering from a rare condition. He had just decided not to poop anymore. So although I should be grateful for each and every bowel movement I suppose, I'm really pretty sick of scraping loaves of crap off of an almost 4 year old. I've tried reward systems, I've tried not being emotional, I've tried bribes so big it'd embarrass me to tell you, but we are getting a big fat F on potty training. Well maybe a C since he will pee, as long as I'm holding the penis. I wasn't going to mention this, but why not, we're all friends here, I'm even commanded to give it a little shake when he's finished up. Yep. The joys of motherhood.


Donna Holmes said...

OMG! Seriously, I nearly wet myself! I had nearly this same scenario in the middle of 6 lanes of traffic in Portland OR.

Donna Holmes said...

Yes, I know I'm commenting about 4 years too late, but I'm starting from day 1 of your blog and just got here.