Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Power Up

I'm going to win Powerball tonight.

A bunch of friends and I bought a whole bunch of tickets together and I have the power of positive thinking on my side. After taxes and sharing, I should get about $25 million and I can work with that.

The jackpot is estimated to be at $550 million. Although it's completely not fun of me to do so, I can't help but think what wonderful things we could change in the world with that kind of money. It could be amazing, it could change the course of humanity forever if everyone just pitched in $2 at the same time once a year.

Anyway, rest assured, when I win the money I will do good things with it.

Some of it.

Update: Unfortunately, I didn't win Powerball. This must mean I'm destined for greater things.

Like Megamillions.

One day we'll have the Ashley Quite Frankly cruise, I know it!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thank Buddha

Lately the kids and I have been doing yoga together.

This is every bit as relaxing and spiritual as you would imagine it would be.

(Like, not at all.)

It's very good for them though and we end every session by bowing to each other and saying "namaste", and that's about the most adorable thing ever. Sometimes I have to bribe them with candy but they seem to like it and they are improving each time. We mostly do it for the meditation aspects, and by that I mean I want 15 minutes of quiet every night. I will let you know if it pays off, so far so good. Mostly.

Somehow Buddha came up at some point and little kid asked who that was.

"He's the guy Buddhism is based on--" I started.

"NUDISM???" Big Kid yelled.

"No, Buddhism. The religion?"

"Thank lord." Big Kid said with obvious relief.

Thank lord indeed.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Einstein and Einstein

I saw this at the Atlanta airport and I really liked it, so I'm going to put it here.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


I recently attended the opening of an H&M. By attended, I mean stood in the small crowd watching the crazy long line to enter the store and wondered if these people had no internet or didn't understand the store was going to be here tomorrow and the day after that too, or what inspired them to wait in line for hours that day. (As I stood there watching them wait. Don't judge me! And in the interest of full disclosure, free gift cards motivated them but there were definitely not enough free gift cards for the hundreds of people present in line).

And while watching all of the young, hip staff dancing together in front of the store prior to the ribbon cutting, it occurred to me that H&M wouldn't want to hire me because I am too old.

(And yeah, I really did just use "hip" as an adjective for young people up there.)

Not only am I not looking for a job but retail would be a living hell for me. Folding and hanging and counting and talking to people? I admittedly lack all of those skills. But once I realized they probably wouldn't want me anyway, you would have thought it was my life dream to work there. The injustice of it all was unbearable.

I am not too old! I decided. I'm only 34! And I'm still cool! They'd be lucky to have me! (Maybe.)

But I can't dance. Or wear ALL of the things at once like they do. Or fold. Or count. And again, I don't want that job. It was still sad though.

I turned to Mr. Ashley, hoping he'd understand. "I just realized I'm too old to work at H&M." I blurted out. Before getting a response I added, "Like, they wouldn't want me, you know? It's a weird thought that I'm too old," just in case he thought I was looking for work.

"Of course you are," he said without pause.

"It's sad! It makes me sad! I'm not that old." He laughed at my disappointment of not getting a job I didn't want or even apply to.

We continued to watch them dance, all young and happy. "This music is too loud," he said. For the third time.

Then I was completely over it because that officially makes him the old one.

And I'm not looking for a job anyway.

(H&M is awesome though, I'm glad we have one. )

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Baby Showers

I called a friend while the kids were in the car the other day and left a short message regarding a baby shower.

"What's a baby shower?" little kid asked when I hung up.

"It's a party for people about to have a baby where you shower the new mommy with all of the gifts she'll need to take care of a baby!"

"Wow! What's the shower part?"

I knew he was imagining bassinets and baby swings being dropped from above on a pregnant lady and I almost let that ride.

"That's just what the party is called. You just give the mom the gifts, nicely and normally."

"Pretty sure I'm adopting babies," said Big Kid. "You know, since I don't like the idea" He whispered the last word, unintentionally emphasizing it by hissing it through clenched teeth.

"One day you'll like the idea." I promised. "But I'm fine with you adopting."

"Oh, I'm havin' some babies! Definitely!" little kid swore with enthusiasm. "But I'm havin' a baby shower first! I might have lots of babies," he added with a calculated gleam in his eyes.

Wait until he finds out you only get a shower for the first one.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Longest Week Ever

little kid has been home sick for 4 days this week.

I feel bad for him and all but between daylight savings time, the election and its aftermath on Facebook (holy drama, Batman!), and 4 straight days of Survivorman and questions about dipping swords in lava among other things...short of bleeding out of an orifice he was going to school today.

What was sweet (and annoying) was that all day every day he would ask when his brother was coming home and missed him terribly. He'd wait at the front door as the bus pulled up and would wrestle him into a hug and try to kiss him (which Big Kid enthusiastically avoided due to germs and bad breath).

He'd beg him to cuddle him during a movie or sit close to him so he could sling his arm across his shoulders.

And then, within about 15 minutes, he'd start torturing him. I just don't get it! It's really rowdy, crazy stuff too. Big Kid has broken down the most frequent little kid characters for me:

1.) The clown that gives bears flu shots. This is my favorite because it's so insane but it's also the most annoying because the bear (Big Kid, he's a grizzly. He does not want to be a bear at all, though) HATES flu shots. And the flu shots are violent and the whole thing is very boisterous. This poor bear needs about 25 flu shots a day, too.

2.) The crazy old lady who loves dogs. I don't understand this one but Big Kid both loves and hates it and it makes our dog nervous. I don't think she's as physically aggressive as the clown that gives flu shots but it gets Big Kid riled up every time, usually mostly with laughter.

3.) The German rap guy. That's how Big Kid explains it but I'd say it's more like a weird Nazi impression of Jersey Shore. Hilarious and very strange, again often ends in violence.

4.) The nasty punk. This is his rudest, meanest self with a weird voice. The whole persona infuriates Big Kid immediately because of the bad manners and the ridiculousness.

He also likes to pretend Big Kid is a squirrel. I thought this was funny for a while and confirmed that he was adopted from a squirrel family but it really upsets Big Kid, so I stopped participating. I now insist that he's NOT a squirrel because despite it being super funny, I think we're over it.little kid will probably swear to his dying day that Big Kid is a squirrel. This is one of our biggest arguments lately.

Anyway, that's what I'm dealing with.

So today I'm going to get my hair done and go visit Catfish's brand new baby and watch reruns of Project Runway and he's his teacher's problem.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Don't Be Scared

The other day Big Kid said he would be scared if Mitt Romney won. little kid agreed solemnly.

That gave me great pause. Of course it's hard to retain total objectivity when you're passionate about something (everything!) but when we "officially" discussed the election, I tried with impartiality to break down in the most simple of terms why each party supported each candidate. I thought I always made a point of behaving myself in politically influenced conversations they were a part of and was cautious when they were listening. Heck, Big Kid was even a really big Romney fan at first and I supported that (it was difficult but good practice for when he grows up to be whoever he wants).

But they know who I like. And I have clearly discounted the fact that they are sneaky little eavesdroppers, paying attention to more than I realize and picking up on things in the most simple of ways and breaking it down to what they know; the idea of being scared. (I am not scared of Romney becoming president, by the way. I am worried about the current political climate in general though and I'm sure they've picked up on that. And that made them scared.)

"Don't be scared! Please! If I can teach you anything, it would be to be involved and active without reacting with fear because it's often impossible to get the big picture with politics. Mitt Romney is a smart, successful man who loves his family. He did really well in the debates--he's a good speaker and a confident guy and even if I don't personally agree with what he is saying, I understand why others might and maybe I'm wrong. That's the most important thing, a lot of people get really hung up on being "right" about who they like, to the point of refusing to be able to like even one single thing that the other guy has done or might do that could be good, and that just hurts the whole country. Both candidates are smart men. Maybe it would be better or maybe it would be worse but we get to choose again in another 4 years and not a whole lot happens in 4 years anyway, thanks to the checks and balances of congress."

(See how I said "checks and balances" and not "assholes"? It was a very mature conversation).

"So you wouldn't be scared if Mitt Romney became president?" Big Kid asked, looking me in the eye for any hint of dishonesty.

"...No. I would be disappointed based on the points we most solidly disagree on but I would have to hope it all turned out alright. We will all be okay, either way."

"Okay," Big Kid said. "But his vice president is crazy."

(He saw Paul Ryan's work out pictures. They made him uncomfortable.)

"Eh...he's a little weird but Mitt's healthy. We'll be okay."

(Because I was all out of diplomacy by then.)