Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dr. Evil, DDS

As he was trying to fall asleep last night, I asked Mr. Ashley, "What if my new dentist hurts me or is mean to me?"

He sighed and answered, "Then I'll send that motherfucker a check and a thank you card. And I'll buy his entire staff lunch for a week."

Isn't he mean? I'm pretty sure "in sickness and in health" includes being understanding about three weeks of almost constant bitching about the possibility of a new dentist. What a jerk!

Pregnant people, don't forget to email me (ashleyquitefrankly*at*g*mail*com) if you want a Dreamgenii maternity pillow, we've worked out something really nice for you all.

Everyone else, think "be nice and gentle to Ashley" thoughts while I'm at the dentist today. My last dentist, the Novocaine Nazi, has really screwed me up and I need SPECIAL TREATMENT (and probably drugs) to get past that.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Stuff that's not boring

To save you all from hearing about the terrible headache I had this morning or my completely irrational anxiety over going to a new dentist for a cleaning tomorrow, here are some things that may actually be of interest to you:

A river underwater --the pictures are kind of mind-blowing, it's hard to wrap your brain around what you're seeing.

The global warming conspiracy
--those goddamn tree-huggers.

Playing Stephen King -- I love this. It sounds like fun and sort of romantic (as romantic as randomly attacking each other for years can be!)

Queen Elizabeth II-- Photos of her with the presidents she's met. Imagine the life she's led!

Too Drunk-- This literally made me LOL. There should be a new abbreviation for that, since we all know you usually don't really Laugh Out Loud when you LOL. ILLOL.

Unusual Cupcake recipes-- Did you know that cupcakes don't always come from the bakery or a box? It's news to me.

DeadbyCubicle--Twitter stream of guy who works in call center. Extremely funny guy in an extremely amusing call center.

Life as a Teenage Harem Girl in Brunei-- Yep, it's as interesting as it sounds.

Hope you have a headache-free day and a no-scraping, no-poking tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

History Lesson

Not much exciting going on in my life, so let's talk about Theodore Roosevelt.

Yep. Bet you didn't know that he was a total bad ass, did you?

He was the 26th president of the United States. He was Republican. He said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." You probably knew all of that or can vaguely recollect most of it.

He had a photographic memory and a love of reading. He was a brilliant conversationalist and an avid learner. He wrote 18 books over the course of his life time. He enjoyed boxing until one of his retinas detached and he went blind in that eye. He was a 3rd degree brown belt in Judo. He frequently skinny dipped in the icy waters of the Potomac in the winter. He became president after McKinley was assassinated and at 42 years old, he was the youngest president to ever take office. He was the first American to win the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War.

He decided not to run for re-election and went on a year long African safari instead.

Dude was shot in 1912 while campaigning to be president again. The bullet passed through his steel eyeglass case and his 50 page thick speech and got lodged in his chest. He refused immediate treatment and insisted on making his speech. He spoke for ninety minutes and apologized for cutting it short.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose." Taft beat him in that election.

The teddy bear was invented after he issued the mercy killing of a wounded bear in 1902 (*Not true, read edit.) A toy company got permission to sell a toy bear named after him."Teddy" was his first wife's nickname for him and he hated being called that after her unexpected death in 1884.

His wife and mother died on the same day, in the same house, of unrelated illnesses two days after the birth of his first child. Here is his journal entry from that day:

It was Valentine's Day. :-(

He later wrote this about his wife Alice:
She was beautiful in face and form, and lovelier still in spirit; As a flower she grew, and as a fair young flower she died. Her life had been always in the sunshine; there had never come to her a single sorrow; and none ever knew her who did not love and revere her for the bright, sunny temper and her saintly unselfishness. Fair, pure, and joyous as a maiden; loving , tender, and happy. As a young wife; when she had just become a mother, when her life seemed to be just begun, and when the years seemed so bright before her—then, by a strange and terrible fate, death came to her. And when my heart’s dearest died, the light went from my life forever.

And then in an attempt to dispel his heartache, he never wrote or spoke of their union again.

Somehow I came across his journal online and ended up reading some of it which is what sparked my curiosity. I brilliantly filed the link to his journal in one of my bookmark folders to share with you all...and now I can't find it. So instead, HERE is his Wikipedia page and HERE is another page I found that has some of his journal entries.

And here he is, riding a moose:

I told you he was cool!

*Edited to add: little kid spotted T.R.'s post on my computer screen and immediately recognized his total badassery. He demanded more photos and that led me to this Mental Floss link
about Theodore Roosevelt. I think Wikipedia was wrong about the teddy bear thing, it looks more like T.R. refused to shoot a bear that was tied up. I think Mental Floss got it right because Wikipedia refers to a political cartoon that inspired the creation of the teddy bear and Mental Floss includes the cartoon, which supports their version of the events. Anyway, if I haven't already bored you to death with this post, you may enjoy the Mental Floss post too!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear People Praying for Obama to Die,

You do realize that would make Biden president, correct?

I mean, he's no Sarah Palin that what you want?

Because I don't even mind him, I think he's more amusing than evil, but he wouldn't be my first choice for president; mostly because I wouldn't want to hear the complete and utter hysteria that would come from you all every time he said something stupid. (Because we all know that you only get to say stupid crap if you do it while being "folksy", like Bush and Palin and the Tea Party rubes.)

I hated Dubya with the heat of one million white-hot fiery suns and honestly feared for my safety while he was president, but I never wanted him dead. Mostly because I understood that Cheney would then become president and my issues would go from bad to worst.

So do you secretly like Biden? Or do you think that when the president dies you just get to not pay taxes and do whatever you want until the next election period? What is the thought process behind joining Facebook groups where you pray for the president's death? Does God really respect such requests?

Even if you don't like his policies, you want to take this guy from his family:

because he's making people get health insurance?


That makes my heart hurt for yours.

Quite Frankly,

P.S. Shame on you all!

Look What We Did

Where's my Mother of the Year award?

Big Kid woke up with a kink in his neck because he stayed up all night staring at it.

Dreamgenii Wiiner

So many sore sleepless pregnant ladies in the Closet and only one magical-looking Dreamgenii pregnancy pillow to give away. When I'm Oprah-rich, you'll all get massages on the cruise and you'll get Dreamgenii pillows in your gift bags, I promise.

But the one lucky Dreamgenii winner who is now obligated to dream about me every night for the rest of her pregnancy is:

Jenni--Jennifer in Minnesota - 27 weeks pregnant

Yay, Jenni from Minnesota! Email me your mailing address and they will mail you your magic maternity pillow:

But I still feel bad for the other aching pregnant ladies who were excited about the thought of sleeping comfortably again. I've mentioned that to the nice Dreamgenii people and we're trying to work out a special offer for the rest of you. So if you're interested in buying a Dreamgenii, would you email me by next Friday (April 30th) with DREAMGENII in the subject line? And I'll get it figured out and email you back.

Thanks everyone!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Clean-up Routine

  1. I need to clean the house.
  2. First, I need a drink.
  3. Then, I'll check Facebook just real quick.
  4. Welp, might as well check for blog comments.
  5. And email.
  6. Okay, time to clean--put laundry in washer.
  7. I need music! I'll search my computer for some!
  8. A Netflix ad? I have Netflix movies to put in the mail box, I'll do that now!
  9. I should organize my Netflix queue. That's pretty urgent.
  10. Okay, time to clean for real this time!
  11. But I need another drink.
  12. Oops! Forgot music! Back to the computer.
  13. What was that new site I heard about for music? I'll go search the site I heard about it on.
  14. Grooveshark! Wow, cool site. I'll listen to some Janis Joplin while Mr. Ashley isn't around.
  15. I bet little kid would be impressed with my rendition of "Mercedes-Benz", let's show him!
  16. little kid likes it and demands dancing! Dance party, oh yeah!
  17. Okay, now I really have to start cleaning up.
  18. But first I should blog about how cool Grooveshark is, just in case anyone else needs music to clean up to.
  19. And when I go to get the link to share, it suddenly makes sense to make lots of different play lists to help me accomplish my many different tasks.

But now I really should go clean the house...(right after I check Facebook and blog comments and my email, just real quick.)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Almost 10

Today is my 9th anniversary!

To celebrate, I went out and bought myself all new panties and some really impractical shoes as a gift to us. I have no idea what I'll wear those shoes with and I know I won't get to wear them often--but that's why it was fun. When I tried them on, little kid slapped his hands to his face and said, "Ohhhhh, you look fancy!" I felt pretty fancy.

Life is good. (and not just because I got to go shopping.)

Mr. Ashley and I have been together for 12 years and pretty much moved in together after our first official date. We were 19 and 21. I am stating this because I feel old having been married for 9 years already. I am kind of old but I started early.

There's this elderly couple from my old neighborhood who I used to see every day wearing matching sweaters and holding hands. They would walk to the grocery store and the newsstand. They're both in great shape and they mostly wore identical solid-colored hoodies. They always look happy and you can tell from a mile away that they love each other and have for a long time. I want to be them when I grow up.

Mr. Ashley has said no fucking way is he wearing matching sweaters but I think he'll give in. He doesn't object to me color coordinating the family on special occasions now and when he's old, he won't be able to put up much of a fight.

I'll wear him down over the next 40 years.

Tonight we're taking the kids to the Melting Pot for dinner and hoping no one catches on fire or eats raw meat. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ninjas, Dinosaurs and Poison

Speaking of pregnancy (enter to win a Dreamgenii pregnancy pillow in the post below!), little kid remembers being in my tummy and talks about it often.

This is obviously pretty remarkable in itself--being almost 4 years old and still being able to recall the time you spent in the womb? Amazing!

But that's nothing, really, because it turns out that all kinds of exciting stuff was going on in there.

"Bemember when I was in your tummy?"

"Mmm hmm."

"I had a ninja in there wif me!"

"Wait...there was a ninja in my tummy?"

"Yes! It was a nice ninja, not a bad one."

"I don't think this really happened, little kid. Maybe you're remembering wrong?"

"No. There was a ninja but I don't know where he went. I think he gots lost when the doctor got me out! did I come out of your tummy?

"The doctor helped you out."

"But how?"

"Carefully. He had nurses to help. At the hospital."

"But where's I come out of your tummy fwom?"

"In the hospital, I just told you that. So tell me more about the ninja, that's interesting."

I'm as open and honest as possible about everything. Sometimes to a fault. If one of the kids wants to know why a store or restaurant has closed down, they're likely to get a whole explanation of supply and demand, poor profit margins and the economy in general. But not when it comes to babies. Vague is the name of my game there. I work an evade and distract tactic and so far, it's going pretty well.

He also told me the other day that "Every Rose Has its Thorn" by Poison was his favorite song when he was in my tummy. When I pointed out that his father and I didn't really listen to that type of music while he was in my tummy, he told me, "'Course not. How could you hear a music in your tummy? You don'ts gots ears in your tummy! It was my radio."

So...I think we can surmise a few things with these revelations of his:
  • little kid had a ninja twin that he ate or absorbed (making him a little bit ninja, which explains a lot actually.)
  • little kid has had white trash tendencies since conception. (so it's nothing I did--big relief there.)
  • little kid went 2 days past his due date because he was partying like a rock star in there. (I had suspected this.)
He's also announced that he's going to be a dinosaur when he grows up. When I told him that dinosaurs were extinct, he explained that he'd be a guy in a dinosaur costume; he said it like I was a real dumb ass for not realizing that in the first place.

So I have that to look forward to. I hope dinosaurs make enough money to live on their own.

Dreamgenii Pregnancy Pillow Prize

Okay pregnant ladies, one of you is going to have sweet dreams about me every night!

(Pregnancy dreams are weird, aren't they?)

Dreamgenii is giving a Dreamgenii pregnancy pillow to one lucky, miserable pregnant lady.

Look how happy this sleeping pregnant chick looks:

I was amused by the Dreamgenii's odd shape at first, but it makes perfect sense for supporting all of the sore spots since it goes between your knees, cradles your belly and supports your lower back to help you sleep on your side.

When I was pregnant with Big Kid, the only option was those ginormous body pillows (that they slapped the word 'maternity' on and charged double for) and Mr. Ashley and I slept in an antique full-sized bed at the time. There was no room for some sort of gigantic divider. I used a small feather pillow for between my legs and a regular pillow wedged under my back. He still had to sleep on the couch a lot because of this arrangement, and I usually woke up with my pillows on the floor or over on his empty side. The Dreamgenii would have solved all of that!

(But let's all take a moment to pray that Ashley will never have use for a pregnancy pillow again. Amen.)

The Dreamgenii is the best selling pregnancy pillow in the UK (it's just now being launched in the US) and more importantly, my cousin was having back pain during her pregnancy and started sleeping with one and VOILA!, she's feeling as good as a pregnant person can feel right now. The Dreamgenii also gets good reviews on Amazon and can be used as a nursing and back support pillow once baby comes.

Currently the Dreamgenii is available at Bed Bath and Beyond, Buy Buy Baby, Destination Maternity or Amazon's baby shower registry is pretty awesome, by the way. You get a huge selection to choose from, they're better at making sure items get checked off the registry and they're an easy company to deal with.

But one of you gets a free Dreamgenii pregnancy pillow! Leave me a comment on this post by the end of the day Thursday; your first name and state, your name and blog address, whatever. And you don't have to be pregnant to enter.

I'll use a random number generator to find the winner and will announce it here Friday.

Monday, April 19, 2010


I love this. I saw it on an image hosting site so I can't credit the artist but I figured it was something we could all relate to (either from the perspective of the mom or the perspective of the alligator child or maybe even both).

In mostly unrelated news, I solved little kid's no underwear problem. While helping him zip his jeans one day, I casually pointed out how easy it would be to accidentally zip your penis into a zipper. And he's willingly worn underwear every single day since.

Of course, I had to point out the potential of zipper injury quietly, so as not to give Big Kid more ammunition for his "Zippers are unnecessary" theory.

A Super Hero is Born

(or maybe a crime boss)

Well, for better or for worse, little kid has had his first brush with crime and real live bad guys.

We went to pick up my friend (Em's mom) to hang out at the pool for the day and she mentioned how sore her legs were from walking to and from the bus stop.

"Where's your bike?" I asked. (She is currently without a car, which is an almost impossible way to live in my city.)

"Someone stole it. The bike racks on the bus were full so I left it chained up to a fence and then I came back the next morning to get it and the fence was broken and my bike was gone. I've been walking for weeks."

"On the way here, I stopped at a garage sale in my neighborhood and saw a bike for $5. Want to go get it?"

"Ant Innakay?" This is how little kid says 'Aunt Lynda Kay'. "You bike gots stolen?"

She answered in the affirmative.

"Who stealed your bike? Bad guys gots your bike?" For the sake of simplicity, we said yes.


little kid is furious. His Ant Innakay needs her bike!! He grilled her all day long on how she knew the bike had been stolen, how the broken fence looked, what tool she thought the bad guys may have used to break the fence, why they would want to steal her bike, why she hadn't just left her bike safely at home--it didn't make for a relaxing day of swimming.

We tried to point out that we had gotten her a new bike, so it had all worked out okay but the thought of theft had him on fire at that point.

He decided that him and his work friends were going to retrieve her bike and more importantly, punish the bad guys. The bad guys have long hair (because all bad guys have long hair) and were keeping her bike in a garage.

"My wook fwiends and me won't bring knifes to a fight wif a bad guys." He promised after we dropped her off later that day.

"That's good, you're not allowed to touch knives."

"But we gots lots of forks! Even steak forks! Me and my wook fwiends do. We won't make a bad guys dead though, 'kay?"

"With your forks? Okay."

"My wook fwiends will help by frowin' a broken rock in their eyeballs. But then Ant Innakay's bike falled down into a lava! But my wook fwiends will get it out. I don't know how; maybe wif a fishin' pole or a big net or a hook on a string? And then my wook fwiends will take her bike back to her house for her. 'kay, mumum?"

Endless chatter. It went from funny to infuriating within hours. I also fear for any long-haired guys on bikes we may see out in public.

Things died down a little bit and then we watched Pee-wee's Big Adventure on Sunday morning. A movie about a bike theft. I remembered what was about to happen a few minutes into the movie and knew that it would stir the bad guy situation back up. And it did.

If I ever see anyone riding around town on her bike, I may just stop my car and beat their ass myself for putting me through this 3 day conversation.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Animal Rescue Ashley

I'm sitting here with two itty bitty baby bunnies.

I noticed Lily going all crazy in the bushes so I went outside and heard an alarming squeak. I brought the dogs in and walked into the yard to see a frightened little bunny nestled in the grass.

Shit. Don't these animals know about the baby chicks and mice and birds I've killed and that I'm the unintentional Dr. Kevorkian of animal rescue?

I got a dishcloth and scooped him up out of the grass. He was plump and soft and sweet. His big feet rolled behind his ears as he laid in my hand and his wittle bitty bunny wunny nose wiggled. He looked shocked but fine. I put him in a plastic shoe box and then I remembered that Lily had been in the bushes and that this bunny didn't seem capable of running from there to the grass as quickly as would've been necessary. I think this one's big plan was to play possum and hope it worked out okay. It's lucky I intervened because this was probably not a good plan.

So I looked in the bushes and lo and behold, there was one skinnier, skittish bunny with some drops of blood on his tummy. I don't see any puncture wounds but his foot might be hurt.

I started looking around for a nest of nearby bunnies but then I wondered if I was confused by the Easter bunny and couldn't remember if bunnies have nests? I felt foolish then and came inside to Google, only to find out that bunnies DO have nests. I don't see any bunny nests around here though.

These bunnies are the cutest things in the whole wide world. My mom says I have to take them to the wildlife rehabilitation place. But...

I'm pretty sure the plump one wants me to be its mother. It loves me (or it is still in major shock, but I'm pretty sure it just loves me) and I love it too.

I called the wildlife place and they think I should bring them in. I sort of wish I had just said there was only one of them and then I could just keep the fat one and--what? Hope it's mother comes back tonight and they hop off together into the moonlight? That I could rehabilitate it to my yard and it would hang around out of gratefulness? That I'd have one more ungrateful being to take care of?

(our goldfish just died so there is a vacancy).

I know I've got to take it in with its sibling. But--I read that sometimes places that rehab birds of prey or snakes feed the injured baby bunnies to those animals...that would be pretty terrible. In that case, it would have a better chance at my house.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Email Update

So...I forgot to check my blog email for a few weeks (or maybe more than a month since I used to read it on my Blackberry and no longer have one) and I just had to get a message from that account and it's a big, scary, overwhelming mess in there.

I tried to implement some filters, selectively delete chunks of similar messages and spam and then I finally came to the conclusion that the only real option was to start from scratch with a whole 'nother email address.

(Seriously, it was bad.)

So I apologize if you've sent me an email that slipped through the cracks and I really do feel bad about it. That's why THIS time I'll be good with blog e-mail management. I swear. I admit that I sucked about it before and I want to change. I think I can do it this time.

So from here on out, if you would like to email me about anything, you can do so at:

little kid won't be quiet long enough for me to write a proper ending for this post so sorry for sucking and I'll be good at email from now on.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Netflix on Wii

We just got Netflix streaming on our Wii last night and it is awesome!!

Not having satellite or cable television is still going really well. I've been doing great with the library and Netflix by mail but now it's like I have the movie section of the library in my house! Without old people hogging up the documentary section and getting all territorial once they know I want in there! And without crabby-looking librarians! (although most of them are pretty nice. I can admit that now that I've had some positive library experiences.)

Netflix sent us a disc, we put it into the Wii, the Wii found our wireless signal (on its own), the instructions asked me to enter a code into the Netflix site on my computer and VOILA! a whole library of movies and television series one Wii remote click away.

Here's the link to get the free disc for your Wii

If you have Netflix and a Wii, you have to do this. It's so easy!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I was listening to this This American Life episode while folding the never-ending pile of laundry and one of the stories was about a Catholic priest who ended up filling in for parishes that lost their monk or priest due to scandal. This inadvertent career path completely changed his life as he learned about the church's involved history of scandal cover-ups and how many of his fellow priests were unable or unwilling to uphold their vows of chastity.

And I got to thinking--the Catholic church should go ahead and shut the heck up with any official stance on gay marriage. If anyone wants to squawk about the sanctity of marriage, it shouldn't be an organization that supports and protects priests who can't uphold their own vows to God.

So potentially pledging your wedding vows in front of someone that doesn't honor his own vows doesn't threaten the sanctity of marriage, but 2 people of the same sex sharing a last name and some legal rights does?

The whole "sanctity of marriage" argument is asinine. The only threats to the sanctity of marriage come from the 2 people involved in that marriage. Marriage as an institution isn't doing so hot on its own accord, I doubt the gays will screw things up much more than everyone else already has.

And I'm giving the church a break on the horrors of the pedophilia-related scandals for this post (and this post only) because even if you generalize that into not being able to honor their own vow of chastity, the level of hypocrisy is absurd!

The Catholic church needs a makeover in a major way and some empathy, acceptance and compassion for others would go far.

Time Savers

Big Kid is convinced that zipping up your pants is a complete waste of time. We fight about it every single time he gets dressed.

"Big Kid, is your zipper zipped?"

"Mo-om! Why?" (insert big exaggerated sigh here)

"Zip it up! I'm done arguing about this--zip your zipper every time!!"

"No one can even see my zipper! No one ever sees it." He shakes his head and rolls his eyes and hesitates until I demand that he zips it.

I've tried to demonstrate that people can sometimes see unzipped zippers. I've tried to have objective people give their opinions on whether or not zipper-zipping is necessary (they always agree that it is)...but he cannot be convinced. He comes home from school almost every day with his zipper down.

little kid is certain that underwear are a complete waste of time. In fact, he insists that his teacher told him that they were. His teacher was an extremely conservative, devoutly Jewish lady who saw him one hour a week for a few weeks--I'm positive she would never tell him not to wear underwear. He will argue tirelessly about whether or not one is fully dressed without underwear and about what a waste underwear are in general.

So I've got one child whose bare ass is peeking out at every playground and another whose fly is perpetually down. I attempt to fight it and I swear I've tried to raise them to become at least halfway normal people--but let the record show that their inability to dress themselves properly is their own damn fault at this point.

I can only hope they'll go on to do great things with all of the time they've saved.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

We Are Family

I've mentioned the total awesomeness that is Big Kid's public school...but have I mentioned that his principal is flamboyantly gay?

I guess I can't say that since I have no idea (and no need to know) who he sleeps with but you would certainly get that impression within 5 minutes of meeting him. I was surprised at first--I didn't care at all, I was just surprised that someone so open about it would end up as a school principal in my very conservative city. Within 5 minutes of meeting him, you can also tell that he truly and 100% loves his job, loves the school and loves the kids and I really doubt anyone with a brain has a problem with it.

Firm suggestions from the school board to make changes that don't agree with his philosophy get some chicken head action with a finger shake. "Oh no they didn't! If they want to nix the second play period of the day, it will take more than a suggestion!"

He always puts the children before school politics or bureaucracy. He wants to help create people who are accepting, open-minded, socially well-adjusted and who feel as if they are a part of things. He also understands that kids will be kids and that those kids belong to their parents even while they're in school. He is respectful of everyone.

He is patient and perpetually happy--I hardly know him and have to resist the urge to hug his big soft teddy bear self because he's just so freaking pleasant! He'd probably like a hug, too. I've never seen him raise his voice, snap or even appear frustrated with the kids or the noise level.

I went to the school the other day for a small awards assembly and was delighted to see that he had elaborately decorated the whole cafeteria, complete with ficus trees and themed decor, and was wearing a construction vest (part of the theme, not a Village People shout-out) for this small event. As the kids started to get antsy (because awards ceremonies are boring as shit) he took a quick look around, declared that it was time for an impromptu family parade, hit the play button on his boom box and waved us all up to the stage to the tune of "We Are Family".

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of dancing around the cafeteria to what amounts to the gay national anthem with my son's principal who was dressed as a construction worker, but I also wanted to cry with happiness that this guy totally gets it--he understands people. What a great way to get everyone back on track versus some crazy-ass brainwashing chant to shut kids up. How lucky is this school to have him?

I love him. I love that kids have this amazing non-typical adult male role model to look up to. Of course, they have no idea that anything is different or interesting about the situation but I think one day when they become wise to the ways of the world, they'll remember the influence he had on them and hopefully grow up to treat everyone as equals.

(Socially AND politically.)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Conspiracy Theory

I've decided that the bottom of the laundry basket is a lot like the end of a rainbow. Its existence seems likely and it feels like with just a little effort, I could probably get there myself and celebrate such a magnificent sight.

But I try and I try and I try and frankly--I'm starting to think there is no bottom of the laundry basket. Like the laundry hamper is some type of horrible Mary Poppins' purse-like contraption, possibly put here by evil overlords to force me into a lifetime of laundry servitude.

I also don't understand the math. I *think* if I ever got caught up (if such a thing is even possible) that it would take about 3 washed and folded loads per day to stay caught up. YET WE ARE NOT WEARING THREE LOADS OF CLOTHING EACH DAY.

So how does that work?? I think that right there is scientific evidence that something's not right.

We are being oppressed and we're too busy folding laundry to fight back! I think we need to get a government grant then form a research group and go out for drinks.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Camping with the Ashleys

Once we gathered everything necessary to take 2 kids and 2 dogs camping out on a sand bar for one night, I looked at that gigantic heap of crap and the riled up children and the already whining dogs and thought, "What the hell are we doing? Why don't we just go to the pool and stay up watching movies or something?" but it was too late to back out then.

I figured the dogs would be problems #1 and #2 and the kids would be problems #3 and #4, with Big Kid being bored and little kid being in danger.

But everything went better than expected! No one was bored, no one misbehaved, the whining was at a minimum and we spent a ton of quality time together. It was fun! I think my kids are getting to an age where we can actually go do stuff! And my dogs aren't quite as dumb as I thought!

The goons


Nope, not Jaws; just a dolphin. One of many.

This thing was very weird. I've never seen one before and when I poked at it, it squirted red inky stuff out. (It wasn't blood.)

The island where we camped

Oh hi!

Big Kid playing in the sand

little kid the Dog Whisperer.

Here he is "playing" with Lily. He "taught" Murphy to swim by dragging him around in the water until I witnessed this and rescued poor Murph who was struggling to keep his head above water. (Murphy can swim just fine when he's not being pulled on a rope.)Camp site

View from camp site

This is Conchy. He was unfortunate enough to be found by little kid and was adopted as our camp pet. He lived in a plastic Solo cup. Both children insisted that we were keeping him forever but I liberated him in the morning behind their backs, mostly because I don't want a pet Conch.

My toothless wonder.

Murphy had NOT been digging around in the sand for the remnants of a sandwich he thought he found earlier and he doesn't know why people kept accusing him of it.

I took about 9 trillion sunset pictures.

But I'm only sharing two.

little kid in his "beach" chair.

Big Kid relaxing by the fire. He put on an impressive glow stick show for us just after this.

Marshmallow time!

Too bright too early for Big Kid.

A seriously amazing, incredibly fun time.

While we were sitting around the camp fire after a long day of playing, little kid walked over to me and gently put his sticky, sandy hands on either side of my head. "Mumum, I don't want you to worry 'bout no bad guys tonight. If bad guys come, I'm gonna stab 'em wif my weapon," and then he reached for his marshmallow roasting fork to show me how he would do it.

"There's no bad guys here, little kid."

"Yes they is, in invisible boats. 'at's how come you can't see 'em but I'll stab 'em for you."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks."

"I'll stab 'em 10 times in the head."

"Okay, I don't want to hear about stuff like that. How about you just defeat the bad guys and then hold them until the police come to take them to jail? Like a Super Hero?"

He considered this. " I'm not callin' the cops, I'm just gonna hurt 'em REAL BAD. They's bad guys! They don't need jail!!"

Changing the subject was futile after that--everything related to his weapon and the bad guys. I was starting to tune him out when I heard him say, "I'm gonna beat their brass off wif my weapon!"

"What did you say?"

"Uh...arms. I'm gonna beat their arms off wif my weapon here."

"You said 'brass' again. Please don't use language like that any more."

"But I can beat their arms off? How 'bout their heads?"

He was beyond exhausted by bed time, but still concerned about letting his guard down around his enemies.

"How will I know if bad guys come if I'm sleepin'?" he protested.

"The dogs will bark."

"Well, I'mma need my weapon in bed then."

So, I let him sleep with a marshmallow roasting fork.

And the very first thing he said the next morning when he opened his eyes was, "Where's my weapon at?"

He's pretty sure that the bad guys knew he was in the tent with his weapon and that's why they didn't mess with us. Which worked out well because bad guys would have been a major buzz kill.

So I survived camping. I would even do it again!

Back to Life

I had a really fun Spring break with Big Kid and was sad to send him back to school today.

The other night I hugged him and said, "I've had a fun day with you."

"I've had a fun day with you too," he answered.

"I've had a fun week with you!"

"I've had a fun week with you too!" he said.

"I've had a fun Spring break with you. I'm sad it's over."

"I had a fun Spring break too. Soon it will be Summer and then I will turn 7 and then I will go to second grade."

"Oh my god. Is that possible? Second grade? A second grader? How could I have a second grader? How did this happen?!"

"Because life goes," he said simply and sweetly.

I squeezed him tighter then, considering the wisdom of that statement and realizing how quickly life was going when it comes to my boys. I took the moment to breathe him in and kiss his head through his hair and appreciate his boyishness while I still could.

"Um mom, your shirt is scratchin' my face up. It kinda hurts. It was a nice hug though." Reluctantly, I let him go.

But I didn't want to--and I wish he didn't ever have to grow up.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Burning Belly

My lovely tan turned into a bit of a sunburn.

I put sunblock on before going to the pool today, but I skipped my stomach and the white parts of my arms because I was going to try to get the shade of fish belly white to blend with the nice golden tan.

My poor stomach hasn't seen the sunshine since I was pregnant with little kid. I've recently lost close to 15 pounds through stress, lack of money and lots of swimming and am now only 5 pounds from run-around-naked-all-the-time weight (you've been warned), so I decided to try on some bikinis the other day at Target.

As I was scrutinizing myself in the mirror, I heard Big Kid gasp.

"What happened to you?!"

"Where? What?"

"Your stomach! Why is it anudder color from the rest of you?"

"Oh, ha! Because I've been wearing bathing suits that cover my tummy and it hasn't gotten tan."


"Ooooh! Are you okay, mumum? Does it hurt?" little kid asked, concerned.

"Ha ha ha. Only to look at! I'm just pale, like how you guys are under your swim trunks."

"Yeah but uh...we don't look like that under our swim trunks. You look really kinda weirdish. I'm not gonna look anymore. Yuck." Big Kid covered his eyes with his hand and tried to cover little kid's with his free hand.

"No, I need to see," little kid jerked his face away from Big Kid's hand. "I din't know she had somefin' wrong wif her!"

"Nothing is wrong with me. I'm just pale. I need a sun tan on my tummy."

So at the pool today, I folded up my tankini top so that my stomach could get to a color that doesn't scare small children and I guess I overdid it because now I'm all warm and pink and itchy.

Hot, huh?

Yes, it is.

And then tonight after I got out of the shower, I decided to drench myself in lotion. I started putting it on and it kept smearing around and felt kind of sticky. I thought my skin was probably still too wet and kept trying. Then I decided Philosophy sold me faulty lotion and checked the bottle only to discover that it was actually shower gel. Then it started burning badly. So that was fun.

Anyway, all that and my new found love for 30 Rock is keeping us from tales of camping. Sorry about that.

Adventure Time

Don't call the Coast Guard!

(Unless you want to...they are right up there with fire fighters on the scale of hotness and I'd like very much to be rescued by them)

We survived camping. We actually had a great time and you'll hear all about it soon, but first I've got to go soak up some sun and fun on the last day of Big Kid's spring break!

DON'T FORGET to set your DVRs to record the Adventure Time premier tonight on Cartoon Network at 8pm. It looks adorable and clever and I'm not just saying that because Closet friend Kent Osborne writes it. However, we do want it to become a smashing success because Closet friend Kent Osborne writes it. He would be fun on the Ashley's Closet cruise. Anyway, the show is quick and witty, features a boy and his dog and involves math jokes--our kids will love it so turn it on for them. (My parents are TIVOing it for me!)

Also, the web-based game for Adventure Time is free and super fun. Big Kid destroyed his laptop by downloading virus-filled flash games and is no longer allowed to play online games without permission. I set him free on this site though and he's had a blast with it. I had fun the short amount of time I got to play before getting my computer hijacked by him. So if you're working today, the Adventure Time game might be a good way to avoid that.

I will be at the "mecunity pool" (as the boys call the community pool) working hard on my lovely tan! I'll be back later with photos and tales of camping and Easter. Have a fun Monday!

Friday, April 2, 2010

April Fool

Big Kid sure got me good yesterday. Here I thought I'd never be allowed in their room again. Who will tuck you in each night? Who will change the sheets? What if Murphy poops in there, who will pick it up? I asked.

But lo and behold, it was all an April Fool's joke! I can still go into their bedroom and will be tucking them in, changing the pain-in-the-ass bunk bed sheets and cleaning up dog crap as necessary.

My prank wasn't as clever. I made meatloaf cupcakes with colorful mashed potato frosting for dinner. Big Kid caught me frosting them and said, "Um...why're you puttin' mashed 'tatoes on cupcakes?"

"It's our April Fool's dinner!" I proudly announced.

"We're that?" Big Kid looked disgusted.

"The cupcakes are made out of meat! Don't tell little kid, I'm going to surprise him!"

" made cups of meat and put mashed 'tatoes on them and that's dinner?"

"Yes! It's fun! It will be delicious!"

He looked doubtful. As I put his plate in front of him, he went pale and his eyes started watering.

"Want my leftover sandwich from Jason's Deli?" I offered.

"Yes! That's bery kind of you, mom."

little kid didn't really care. He was momentarily confused that it wasn't a real cupcake and then shrugged it off and asked me to cut it into pieces and smother it in ketchup.

I didn't photograph the meatloaf cupcakes for you all because they were not pretty but still, I thought it was an awesome idea. It was an awesome idea, it was the recipients of the idea that were lacking in awesomeness. Boring little brats!

I'm taking those boring brats boating and camping tonight. This seemed like a much better idea yesterday before I remembered that I don't really like camping unless an RV or cabin is involved. I can also do a KOA (briefly) but I've never camped on a sand bar before. Let's hope no one has to poop out there.

If I'm not back by tomorrow, call the coast guard and tell them I'm out in the Gulf somewhere!