Thursday, September 13, 2007

I'm Invisible

Well, my computer officially bit the dust and is not sitting at a repair shop right now. I'm not happy about that one bit. This means you won't be seeing the little kid's toilet paper extravaganza or the Big Kid video before I go.

I'm super busy packing and cleaning (read: sneaking onto Mr. Ashley's computer to check email and talk to you) so I don't have a lot of time to post. I'm going to do something out of character and post something inspirational and uplifting for us moms (read: slaves) today. I got this in my email this morning and it helped put things in perspective (no more guilt over little kid playing in the toilet). If you don't do the whole God thing, just skip over that part. It is still very relevant.

I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated, but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the
return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous
trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of- style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, Mom!

See, wasn't that nice to think a happy thought for a moment? All of those lovingly made Bento boxes DO matter. And those days that I do Mickey D's for dinner don't matter. It's all about the big picture, and making your own people and sending them out into the world is a pretty monumental accomplishment. Unless your kids end up being serial murderers or crazy freaks, but what are the chances of that?

So be good moms this weekend and do something special with the brats, I won't be around to entertain you anyway so you might as well. Get drunk and play Candyland, it's almost fun that way.


The Hawkins Family said...

OMG, Ashely you are the craziest person I've ever "met" but I just love reading your blog!! So, thank you for that, a good cry and a good laugh. A well rounded post!
I'm going to c/p and send that to my friends. I think we all feel that some days (okay, most days.) I'm totally playing Candyland a little crocked tonight. Props to you girlfriend! Have a great time!

The Hawkins Family said...

OMG, Ashely you are the craziest person I've ever "met" but I just love reading your blog!! So, thank you for that, a good cry and a good laugh. A well rounded post!
I'm going to c/p and send that to my friends. I think we all feel that some days (okay, most days.) I'm totally playing Candyland a little crocked tonight. Props to you girlfriend! Have a great time!

Northern Michigan Mom said...

So well said, thanks for the post! I'm actually thinking about getting a little drunk and trying a few roller coasters (they scare me to death)with the chillens at Cedar Point! Enjoy your weekend!

Sew Biz said...

OK - that was so great! Just what I needed after a crapola day. You just made my day - have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

LOL! (and yup, I skipped some of it because I WILL start crying) I tell my friends "a drunk mommy is a fun mommy"

Have a great time. Sorry to flood the comments tonight, I'm catching up.

ANd I totally cut shapes out of cheese while drinking Miller Chill last night. Tipsy Bento is more fun too. ;)

Anonymous said...

ah, such a lovely story

Deb said...

Have a great trip.

Renee said...

Have a great vacation! I love that cathedral story. I needed it today too! We'll miss you this weekend.

-The Renee

Anonymous said...

That is just great you made me cry and laugh all in one post you are too good. Hope you have fun at disney I am jealous.


~Gretchen~ said...

two thoughts:

a banana clip? Really?

and why does God call you Charlotte?

Henna said...

great post, and love the end.. "get drunk and play candyland" LOL