Little Kid,

Notice there is no "Dear" in the salutation? Yeah. Get it together, kiddo. There have been 8 minutes today (not all at once) in which you were not whining (not counting your 15 minute nap, of course). I don't even know what you want anymore, but I CANNOT DO IT. Learn to adjust, please.

Also, I do not have a penis (regardless of what your brother says; when I need to shave and he tells me my penis is dirty, he is not only overstepping his bounds, he is incorrectly using the terminology). However, I do know that males need a certain percentage of time spent each day messing with their junk and that your diaper makes this difficult for you. I will let you have more bath time and/or nakey time *IF* and only *IF* you stop grabbing your junk while it is covered in poop.

It's hard enough to change your diaper, with you flipping and flailing around like a whale beached on a sheet of glass covered in baby oil, but it is nearly impossible while I have to pin your little poopy arms above your head. Believe it or not, this isn't fun for me either. Our options are: #1. Pooping a whole lot less (this would be my preference) or #2. Not flipping around, grabbing your poopy privates and trying to reach for the poop filled diaper while I'm trying to change you.

Thank you for your consideration. I am confident that these small changes will not hinder your opportunity to be a penis puppeteer like your ever so talented big brother.

Yours Truly (Like It Or Not),
Mom

P.S. Do you have to touch every freaking thing in the house?? Everything other than all of the toys, that is. Craft time with the Big Kid is hard enough, I don't need you tearing the paper up or eating the crayons. Oh, and the rice steamer in the pantry--it's mine. Not yours. Leave it alone.

P.P.S. Seriously, what the hell is up with the godforsaken screeching sound?

(And stop laughing every time I tell you no. We both know I'm your bitch, no need to flaunt it.)