Crazy is Crazy

I need to preface this by saying that I have been the socially awkward mom who says too much more often than I'd care to admit. I'm outgoing but I over-talk when I'm nervous, leading to all kinds of socially painful instances I wish I could take back.

That being said...bus stop woman is completely bat shit insane.

I get a message about 25 minutes before the bus comes and it was her, asking what time our play date was. I thought I was pretty clear about the after school thing but decide to call her back to confirm.

So I do and she sounds kind of quiet and sad. We get the time stuff out of the way and she says, "Look, I am a really upfront kind of person. I know I said a lot yesterday and probably talked way too much but I do that sometimes but I want to talk to you about something, just lay it all out on the table and be honest right upfront, okay?"

Now I'm nervous. I convince myself that my one in a million chance of her seeing my blog had happened and I was about to feel like a big jerk. Okay, I answered.

"I just want to let you know that I will never steal your husband."

"Oh--okay...but you don't even know my husband?"

"I'm just that kind of person. I will not hug your husband in front of you, or kiss him on the cheek or joke around or anything like that. No matter how great he is, I would never do that to your family."

"Um, okay. I didn't think you would? And I know he wouldn't."

"I know but I want you to know that I won't. Also, I'm not attracted to women, I'm not a swinger, anything like that. It's nothing like that, okay? I just want to be friends."

...? I can't recall anything in the combined 7 minutes of conversation that we've had at the bus stop that would indicate that I was planning on bringing her home to sex her up. I never wanted her to come home with me in the first place!

(And I was a little insulted too. Screw her, she'd be lucky to get with either me or Mr. Ashley.)

"Oh, um, me neither. I...just like to have mom friends so our kids can play?"

"Good, because I'm just not like that, you know? I've had friends say things about me and their husbands so I just want to tell you right away that I will never do that and I'm not that kind of person."

"....."

Then she launched into tons of other stuff before I had to point out that I had to leave for the bus stop because we'd been on the phone quite a while.

I ended up driving to the bus stop because it was so windy and looked like rain. So when I saw her I asked, "Do you want to follow me or...?"

"Oh, my son can go in your car, it's just a block and he's tall enough to be in the middle with the seat belt."

Overjoyed that it was just her kid, I start buckling everyone in.

"I'll just walk, it's that way?"

"You can't walk. Ride with us and I'll drive you home."

"I'll walk home." Did she not see the rain clouds? Did she not feel the wind whipping our hair around our faces?

And people, it got no better from there. Conversation was never slow, but oddly enough, was occasionally interrupted completely at random with tidbits about the Edwards or Letterman affair scandals. Except it would come out of nowhere like:

"How did you choose your daughter's name?"

"Oh her father is a foreign Catholic and you know how that goes."

Since it isn't a religious name or foreign, I don't know how it goes, but whatever. Then she would immediately go on to say, "Whenever I see her in papers she looks terrible. I think they choose the very worst photos! He always looks like himself, completely fine, and then there she is with her mouth open."

I'd sit there, mind racing to figure out who she was talking about--someone related to this child's father? Why are they in the papers? I'd stay quiet hoping I'd catch on and she'd say, "Don't you agree? What was your perception of him before this?"

And then I'd be forced to ask, "Who?" and she would look at me like I was crazy for not following along all this time.

"John Edwards!"

And people, this wasn't me somehow missing part of the conversation. It happened with Letterman too, just out of nowhere without any specification of who she was even talking about. Really weird.

She was also really condescending to Big Kid a few times and I'm not one of those moms that doesn't want you addressing my kid, even if it involves an argument between our kids, but she talked down to him like a grown up would talk to a baby-- not intentionally insulting but it was annoying and then she'd turn around and say, "I don't want you to think I'm parenting for you or anything." Well then let me do it and stop speaking to him like he has 3 brain cells.

Then she's like, "I have this little book I want to show you. Did I bring it?" and starts looking through her tiny purse that looks too small for a book. I was really curious about what kind of book she brought to show me, slightly worried I was in for a religious confrontation. She shook out her sweatshirt and this old, worn paperback fell out about recovering from divorce and she wanted to read to me from its dog-eared pages.

I changed the subject quickly on that one (which was way easy to do).

The not driving thing worked in my favor because I was able to say Mr. Ashley was coming home soon and I had to start cooking dinner (which is pretty funny in itself) and hustle everyone out to drive them home.

I think her kid was trying to steal Big Kid's Nintendo DSi as they left. He was trying to push it under his backpack as he put his shoes on until I snatched it up for "re-charging".

So no, it didn't go well. She wants to do it again Monday. I'm thinking of changing my phone number and going into the witness protection program.