Things That Annoy Me

-the music on Baby Einstein movies (That repetitive, obnoxious crap could've been used as torture in Gitmo)

-That shrieking Pterodactyl sound the little kid makes throughout the day (It is not a human sound and certainly not suitable for human ears)

-Britney Spears and all things Britney (K-Fed included)

-The daily Demolition Derby between the backs of my ankles and the little kid's walker (owww)

-Gum snapping (If I see you doing this in public, I will glare at you in disgust with my best "You are clearly trash and I would love to kick your ass right here, right now" face)

-Breakfast and lunch (Seriously, we can send a man to the moon but can't come up with a pill that would eradicate the need for these two time-wasting, calorie consuming times of day?)

-Lazy Town (Call me old fashioned but something is not right about a little girl with pink hair hanging out with some old dude in a unitard tight enough to display his junk)

-Batteries (They're made to die. My cell phone, my cordless phones, my computer, every freaking toy in the house....always dying)

-Week days (Friday is all right)

-People who start a statement with, "I'm not trying to be rude..." or "Not to be mean" (Unless I'm doing it, in that case I am trying to be rude and I am trying to be mean)

-98% of all forwarded emails (Especially the political bullshit. If you love Bush, keep it to yourself. It's embarrassing already)

-My Mother in Law

-The Wiggles (I don't get it and frankly, I think the whole thing is a little gay)

-Toys with no volume control (These make me actually appreciate dead batteries)

-Those phones you call that you hear a song instead of a ring while you're waiting for the person to pick up (Don't subject me to your bad taste in music. There's an excellent chance I'm not in the mood to hear about your lovely lady lumps this morning)

-Internet Explorer has encountered a problem and needs to close (Motherfucker)

-Bad grammar and typographical errors (It happens to all of us every once in a while. If you consistently have a problem with your/you're or there/their/they're, you are probably not smart.)

-Electrical cords (They are a mess, they are dangerous, the little kid thinks they are candy coated and once again, I think the technology is there that I shouldn't have to deal with them)

-People that stare at me at red lights (It's okay for me to do it, but don't let me catch you looking at me. I hate that. Unless you are a hot guy who is looking at me in obvious appreciation. That's cool.)

-Other people's dogs (My own dogs are bad enough. DO NOT let your dog sniff my crotch or scratch my legs up when I come to your house. I WILL fucking drop kick that dog as soon as you turn your back.)

-Sundresses at funerals (Not the time to show off your tan, ho-bag. Put some clothes on. Living in Florida is not a free pass to dress like a whore)

-Ironing (It seems self-explanatory, but it just doesn't work for me. Maybe my wrinkles are super strength or something?)

-Maple Syrup (If it was up to me, syrup usage would be limited to restaurants if and only if a shower is scheduled directly thereafter)

-The Post Office (Those fucking bastards. This deserves its own list)

-Smokers who throw their butts into the sand at the beach (Smokers, you know you annoy me as it is. THE BEACH IS NOT YOUR ASHTRAY. Don't make me explain to my children that the treasure they just found is not a seashell or the perfect flag for their sand castle)

-My answering machine (I'm almost phobic about it. This very second I have 46 unheard messages. I don't give a shit either)

-The selflessness of motherhood (I'm tired of not eating any bananas because I don't want to run out of bananas because the little kid lives for them. I used to like bananas too dammit.)

-Cleaning the house (I know this one is no surprise, but I just think it is pointless. It's a task that is never completed or appreciated and it is too hard and takes too long and hurts me. Yes, it physically hurts me)

-Whining (Unless I'm the one doing it, I don't want to hear it)

-The Big Kid's need to get fully undressed in order to go pee (It's not necessary)

-The Big Kid's inability to dress himself after disrobing to go pee (Seriously, he can install software on his laptop...but he can't put his underwear on himself?)

-People with ugly kids that truly seem to have no idea (You do have eyes, right?)

-The fact that Mr. Ashley has not read my blog. (I have sent him the link twice, I tell him daily how many people have been reading the witty musings of his dear wife. Apparently, no interest. He better shape up soon....he is a great source of material and if he's not reading anyway...)

Speaking of Mr. Ashley, I have to get something together for him and for Mr. Ashley's dad today. He'd probably rather a spotless house and a wife who didn't have laptop imprint permanently etched into the top of her thighs, but I think some construction paper and paint should be plenty. I will keep you all posted.

In honor of our dear one legged Monogram Momma (Can we call her Eileen? Get it...I-Lean? Tee-hee), I want all of us to send out healing thoughts at 32 minutes past every hour. Imagine her leg bathed in white healing light and her doing pirouettes through her lovely monogrammed mansion. Because injuries also annoy me, although injuries that turn people I really like into a captive audience? Well, maybe not so bad.