Dear Dina Lohan,

I just wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank you for making me feel like a better mom. When the big kid wants to watch an extra hour of television or the little kid insists on getting into bed with me, I feel guilty for a minute but then I think, "Well, chances are they won't be snorting coke, addicted to everything, total ho-bags and flashing their crotches in front of the entire planet before they even turn 21."

I hear you have some other kids that you haven't fucked up too badly yet and that you're planning on having a reality show that exhibits your pathetic and desperate attempts at making them (read: yourself) famous. That's great. Your precious Linds has a lot in common with reality television. They are both: devoid of talent, unbelievable, unintelligent, slutty, scandalous, pathetic and I'm ashamed to watch while not being able to get enough at the same time.

So thanks again for whoring out your children in order to further your own sad desire to be famous. I hope the fame that comes with being a piss poor role model for a mother is everything you are looking for and I appreciate you and your family amusing me in the meantime!

Sincerely,
Ashley

P.S. That ex-husband of yours is a real gem! You are clearly an excellent judge of character!