Fucking A

I am just so sad. I have so much I want to say but I just feel so stunned and shattered.

Last night we scrounged up a Valium hidden for just such an occasion and split it, washing it down with a glass of wine (or two). I'm not kidding when I tell you that I momentarily thought of crushing that bitch up and snorting it. I'm also not kidding when I tell you that I will be making some calls and asking friends and family to check their medicine cabinets for me.

If someone offered me Electro-shock therapy today, I'd take it. Gratefully and thankfully.

But even numb and hazy, the whole thing was just horrific. And as the panic and horror and shock subsided, the reality hurts just as bad. Then I semi-forget for a moment when I'm distracted and it'll all come rushing back and I'm like, "Holy fuck. That really happened."

My cheeks burn from the constant stream of tears and Mr. Ashley's eyes are swollen shut from the crying. Big Kid seems to understand it logically and is very sad for us and Lily and knows not to push it at all today. little kid hasn't noticed yet, but surely he will wonder where his best buddy went. Our other dog Lily went from pacing and whining all last night to curled up motionless in a corner of our bedroom, not even lifting her head if you go in there.

It's all just really sad.

I cannot even tell you all how much your kind words and thoughts mean to my family though. I know it's the sort of thing where no one knows what to say and it probably doesn't seem like one more "I'm so sorry" will help, but it really means the world to me that so many people care. It's also the perfect send off for my sassy Miss Heidi Louise, who was an attention whore like her mama, and who had the type of personality whose passing deserves more than a mere mention.

I hope to be back with a proper eulogy at some point. I'm begging Mr. Ashley to change his voicemail to say there's been a death in the family and everyone else can go screw themselves.

Although I think we want to stay here in our weeping, silent trances, I think we should get out of here and maybe go down to the beach or something.

Anything but sitting here marveling over the fact that the absence of something that didn't even take up one cubic foot of space could make our home and hearts feel so empty right now.