Best Advice Ever

Surprisingly, we have a lot of childless people in the Closet. Perhaps they use it for birth control? Perhaps they have so much extra time in their day that they can hang out on the internet guilt free? I don't know why they are here, but we've got them.

I have some advice for you child free people:

DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Gasp!

But Ashley! Kids bring purpose to your life.
This is true, but until you have them, you don't really realize that you lack purpose in your life.

But Ashley! Kids are so sweet, funny and endearing.
This is true, but there are kids everywhere. Go volunteer at your local school, for heaven's sake. Best of both worlds, you get to laugh at them, have them love you, and go home to peace and quiet.

But Ashley! What else am I going to do?? Kids were the plan for me. Aren't they worth it?
Most days I would say yes. I cannot imagine life without the annoying little mess makers now, but if my life consisted of jetsetting around the world, a chic condo with a housekeeper, and a two door car, could I imagine life without that?

And for those of you thinking that you'll have the jetsetting, the chic condo with a housekeeper, the two door car AND kids---ha ha ha fucking ha. That's cute. Get back to me in ten years and let me know how that's working for you.

Can you tell I just mopped a brand new gallon of orangeade off of my kitchen floor? Take my advice. You'll thank me one day.

edited to add: this advice does not apply to Catfish, only because I want to do her maternity and newborn photos and because the goal of all parents is to make those childless people closest to them know the depth of their suffering.