Dear Kids,

Big Kid--
-No, I cannot make you a Krabby patty.

-Yes, I do know I just need a bun, an oven, some lettuce, some tomato and a jelly fish. You've mentioned that before...400 times today. These items are currently unavailable and even if we had a pantry full of jellyfish, I would not be making Krabby patties.

-Yes, there is a rule against singing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again. I just made the rule. If you don't cease and desist immediately, you will never go to Disney World again.

-Yes, you should be able to wipe your own butt now. You are 4. You are practically a computer genius. Take some tp, wipe, wipe again, and flush. That should cover it.

-No, you can't go to school today. The Jews have taken the day off and left me all by my lonesome. Trust me, I wish you could go even more than you wish you could go.

-Yes, Quiet Time really is defined as time WITHOUT TALKING. Said time should last more than 20 seconds.

-No, I have no idea why the tv doesn't work correctly. It's a piece of crap, I'm tired of explaining it.

-No, you CAN NOT jump on the couch. We go over this about 65 times a day.

-No, you will not be playing with Play Doh because you make a big mess and I'm tired of cleaning it up.

-Yes, I agree little kid "wooks exhausted" and I am also looking forward to his afternoon nap. No I'm not going to put him to bed every time you command me to (even though I'd like to)

little kid--
-Yes, I really mean it when I tell you to stay out of the fridge 900 times a day. I don't want a fridge lock. I also refuse to have a toilet lock. Just knock it off, k?

-No, you CAN NOT yank my pony tail repeatedly. You are causing me physical pain on top of the mental anguish you put me through daily.

-No, I don't really enjoy kisses that involve tongue. Sorry, just don't.

-No, I don't want to help you up onto the couch so that you can yank my ponytail, jam your fingers into my eyes and attempt to pull down the blinds.

-Yes, when I put you in the high chair, I plan on feeding you very soon. I have never put you in there and left you without food, so I'm not sure why you need to scream before each meal every single day.

-No, I cannot have your food prepared prior to putting you in the highchair because you will squeeze my legs and scream and that makes me nuts.

-No, you cannot grab Heidi Louise by her fat and drag her around the house. I won't blame her if she bites you. I want to bite you too.

-No, it really wasn't cool when you took Mr. Ashley's box of business cards and chucked them into the laundry room. Not cool at all.

-No, you cannot call me MUM. It is weird to be yelled at by a little English imposter all day long. It's Mama or mommy. Mum makes me sound old and prissy.

Please kids, seriously, GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK. For your own safety and for my health, just chill. Play with some of these toys littering our home. Enjoy each other, that is why I had two of you. Anything, ANYTHING, but harrassing me.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours Truly,
Your Crazy Ass Mother