Year in Review

My Facebook year in review was like a dark comedy. I knew I wouldn't share it -- I didn't even want to see it, but Facebook was bound and determined to force me to acknowledge their creation. However, once I saw how amusingly morbid it was, I kind of wanted to share it but feared my friends wouldn't see the humor since they love me.

Hey guys!

It was a great year, thanks for being part of it!! 
Remember when my dog died? Remember when my dad died? Remember when my grandpa died? Remember my vacation? (cue animated streamers)

Come on. That's funny in an awful way.

I read a few articles about people who were saddened by their year in review videos and although I know how they feel, I also know when you've had a year like that everything in the whole wide world is a trigger anyway. It's not Facebook's fault.

The other day in Target, I saw a wine called "You Handsome Devil" which reminded me of something my dad used to say (about himself), and my face crumpled without warning into ugly, uncontrolled crying right there in the wine aisle on Christmas Eve, much to the bewilderment of (myself and) the wine re-stocking guy who tentatively offered his assistance in choosing a pinot grigio.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, "I will go crazy if I have to think of any of it for even one more second." Then I try to figure out if I'm already crazy.

Every quiet moment is spent in mental creation of my own year in review, every scene from every angle revisited again and again; half documentary, half horror film. So I spend a lot of my time leaving no room for quiet moments, which is probably why my brain likes to wake up in the middle of the night to say, "Hey, remember that horrible thing you were trying not to think about earlier? We could do it now!"

My year has traumatized me. Without a doubt, it was objectively the worst year of my life. I also had additional heartache left untold here since not every story is solely mine to tell, so suffice it to say, 2014 can SUCK IT. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK IT. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. God, I'm glad to see it go even if I feel like it's stealing a piece of me with it. I will never be the same again, and that is exhilarating and terrifying.

And despite all above evidence to the contrary, I also had a pretty good year.

(I sound even crazier than before, don't I? Now you're concerned.)

I like who I am, even if I don't like what I've gone through. I love what I do, even if it doesn't always ever pay the bills. I have incredible friends and people around me, even if I am not always an incredible friend and person back. I'm happy, even though I'm sad. I'm a great mom, even though I wish I was better. I know things that I am fortunate to know, even if I would rather not know. I feel relief that with the storms brewing and the wind whipping and the rain falling, I have kept a tiny little flame going somewhere and the fact that it's still lit proves that everything will be alright. Ish.

Goddamn Facebook for not making a movie about all of that.

No worries, though. Next year my year in review video will be awesome.

(But I still won't share it because they're boring.)

May we all have 2015s worthy of the Facebook algorithm's artificial excitement. Thanks for being part of it!