Friday, August 7, 2015

Tomorrow I will Be

Tomorrow I will be the mother of a 12-year-old boy.

I remember bringing him home from the hospital (it was yesterday, which makes this 12 years thing confusing but I'm bad at math because, guys, it can't really be 12 years) and surveying every inch of him with my eyes -- his feet the size of my thumb, his skinny, purple vein-threaded legs, the soft blond hair on his tiny back, the perfect swoop of his nose, the golden fuzz on his round head; I would stare in wonder at the veil of gentle serenity that enveloped him as he slept and marvel that such perfection and possibility now suddenly existed in the world.

And I would think, "Oh my God, I better not fuck this up."

With both driving and parenting, sometimes I have intense moments of self-awareness where I just can't believe I'm permitted to do something so potentially dangerous. Then I freak out that people even less qualified than me are allowed to do it.

And sometimes I have close calls, but it mostly goes surprisingly well.

Now I look at him and marvel that his feet are as big as mine, his legs are long and sturdy, his shoulders are broadening, his hair is thick and brushes his shoulders. Little girls seem particularly outgoing in his presence and then I remember being their age and see him through their eyes and, well, it just seems impossible -- this him being 12 thing.

I remember looking at him and wondering what he would look like as a little boy, a teenager, and a man.

Now I look at him and think I know.

I study his character, the essence of who he is, of what he may offer the world -- his quick wit, his philosophical nature, his kind but cautious heart, his appreciation of books and nature, humor and good design, his love of animals and his thoughtfulness, and I know, despite some swerves and bumps in the road, that we are headed in the right direction.

And I am grateful and proud and amazed that we've come so far.

And also sad that we've come so far.

Tomorrow I will be the mother of a 12-year-old boy.

Oh my God, I better not fuck this up.

1 comment:

Hanna Thul said...

I've recently found your blog and find it wonderful. You have a way with words and conveying some incredible feelings. I have a (almost) two year old. It's really nice to know that the feelings I have towards him now will continue to grow. I've recently thought about how terrified I am of him growing up, but you seem to be confident in the passing of time. It's really nice to be reassured that life continues on without the sadness of past, wonderful stages. So, thank you. Thank you for your posts. They really are a breath of fresh air.