Monday, February 27, 2017

Lost Identity

In Greek mythology, there is a king named Sisyphus. He lived a life of punishment that involved being forced to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back and hit him whenever he made progress. I'd change my legal name to that if people would get the reference and give me a break.

But it's okay. If my progress can't be measured in feet, it can be measured by persistence.

Today was another day. That's the good and bad news.

I started dinner late, with an empty fridge because I needed to go to the store later. And realized I didn't have pasta sauce after I cooked the pasta.

I ran to the convenience store to get the sauce, knowing the pasta was congealing into a solid mass and the garlic bread would burn or be removed from the oven prematurely by Big Kid, who was keeping an eye out.

While there, I saw that the beer was on sale and decided FUCK IT. I will have this beer. I have earned this beer. I will not feel guilty about the price of this beer.

I swung it onto the counter, feeling pleased with myself.

"Do you have your ID?"

I am literally NEVER asked this. I was surprised to hear it. I also remembered that I left my purse in my car that broke down and was in the shop, and was lucky just to have a debit card.

"No, but -- " She started to shake her head.

"No, no, no. Look, ma'am. Look. I get it, it's your job and all. I NEED THIS. I am 38 years old," She gave me a hard look and half a head shake. She was my age or older, and we both knew it. "No, please, not today. I have an 8th grader! I was born in the Carter administration! I wore Z. Cavariccis in 8th grade! I have gray roots right now! I've had Botox before! Please help me."

She reluctantly smiled about the Botox and asked my birthday. I answered with confidence and she rang up the beer.

I got home and dinner was fucked.

But once I finish rolling this boulder for the day, I'm going to sit down with my back up against it and let it rest against me while I enjoy this hard-fought bit of relaxation, even if it means a small loss of progress.

And tomorrow the boulder and I will start our slow waltz up and down the mountain again.


Unknown said...

My heart is both breaking for you and cheering you on <3

I had a day where I JUST. WANTED. WINE. and my corner store had a new cashier who physically took the wine out of my hand and said "no." I laughed and shook my head but I left without wine and didn't want to bother walking the three blocks back with my ID. (I don't know how to deal with sadness so my default is lightness and humor - sorry)

How are the boys doing?

Unknown said...

My newest favorite Steinbeck quote is "He had an idea that even when beaten he could steal a little victory by laughing at defeat" and I laugh about all of this all day long. I would have laughed all the way to jail had that gone differently last night. We all know I look way older than drinking age, I just wouldn't have given up so easily in this particular case. And jail sounds kind of comfy so whatever.

The boys are ever logical and optimistic and understanding, as always. Sad but only at the hard parts and not all the time.