Fresh Starts

Big Kid got his hair cut the other day. He decided to go short and spiky, so that shiny, shaggy hair is all gone. He looks adorable of course and loves his "spikes", but I mourn each hair cut regardless of the outcome--I'm attached to that hair that I'm always running my fingers through. I momentarily considered swooping down to the barber floor for a handful to shove into my pocket as a keepsake, even though he is six and has had many haircuts. I knew I'd look a little crazy but I'm entitled to that as a mother. Then the barber stepped on the hair mountain and shoved it aside with his feet, so I didn't go through with it. We left a shiny golden pile behind. I'll get you some pictures when he comes home from school, he'll be proud to show it off.

Now little kid has hair envy and wants "sharp" hair like his brother's. I agree that it's probably time for the first haircut since we're nearing 3.5 years old, but I don't know if I can let him go short and spiky. He still has that super silky, platinum blond baby hair and I know it will begin to turn to little boy hair once it is cut close. I showed him a sweet, traditional side-swept little boy cut and he was pretty disgusted at the thought. He wants to use gel like Big Kid does. He wants clippers to tickle him on the neck. I want silky baby hair. We're in negotiations about it now.

My throat still hurts and it is cold (well, 40s and sunny which I know sounds good to some of you, but remember that I've never even seen snow so it's all relative and I am very cold). Other than the sore throat, I've been pretty productive so far this year. Well, yesterday I was--so maybe it's too soon to tell. Pretty sure I'll be kicking this year's ass though. 2010 will be my bitch.

Hard to Write

So, I had a nice Mother's Day. I got a new bike on Saturday and I've been riding it every day. It is an aqua blue beach cruiser and I love it.

We had dinner over here at my house. Usually we do it at my parents' house so this was different, but we had my mom and dad and my brother and his girlfriend over and had a great dinner and played Wii and stuff. My brother and his girlfriend's baby is due in August and she's adorably pregnant right now.

It was extra nice to spend the day together as a family because on Friday my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. I think we all spent the first 24 hours in total shock and were ready for a little discussion about it on Sunday, which was good. It is really scary. Especially this waiting period of knowing something bad is going on, but not knowing how bad until he has surgery next week.

Ugh. I have a lot to say about the whole thing, but I just don't even want to. It is hard to see your dad as a vulnerable human. I remember the first time I saw my dad cry, in the limo after my grandfather's funeral, and being stunned as a little kid that my dad could cry like that. Seeing that he was scared yesterday (who wouldn't be?) brings back that same scared, confused feeling that things are not as they should be.

I'm really impressed with his strength and determination though. After 30 years of being an alcoholic, he quit completely one day about two months ago once he realized the symptoms of whatever was going on with him had the potential to be serious. He started eating nothing but fruits, vegetables and white meat and drinks a gallon+ of water a day. My mom and him strap on their matching walking shoes and their pedometers and walk around the mall every day. He does 4 miles around the mall and then uses Sears' Ab Lounger (uh no, I'm not kidding). He's been reading a ton of books on nutrition and health and is a household food nazi. He's also been enjoying life more and fishing down at the city pier. He's like a totally different person. My mom, my brother and I have been amazed and amused at this immediate transformation.

He was feeling a lot better and we were hoping his change of lifestyle had cured or helped whatever it was. He has no insurance and had to wait to get a colonoscopy since no one would take him without payment up front. He finally ended up getting help through a local clinic.

So, my anxiety level is at 110% today. Mr. Ashley took a personal day because he wanted to go be "library dad", but I think he was giving me an excuse to take a Valium and hibernate under my comforter if I wanted, which could certainly happen later today. That was nice of him.

A new anxiety symptom of mine is that my hands itch badly (this is far better than full on panic attacks). I have scrubbed them so much with body scrub that the suspected age spot that was growing on me has disappeared. Sometimes I'll be okay for a minute and resolved to live a happy life and take everything a day at a time, but then other times I have to remind myself to breathe. I think I'll feel better once I have some sort of idea about what's going on.