Please God No

I have no idea why I'm writing this right now, other than a total unsureness about what else to do with myself and an attempt to distract myself from the histrionics, hyperventilating and dry heaving that is starting to scare Big Kid.

We were just getting ready for the garage sale and finished up, feeling proud of ourselves, and as the garage door closed we didn't realize that Heidi was in its path.

I am unsure of what exactly is going on but I could tell from Mr. Ashley that things weren't good and I instantly lapsed into total hysteria and screamed for him to take her to the emergency vet.
Now I'm sitting here pleading with God for something my brain knows is most likely hopeless and hating myself beyond hating myself for not calming down and giving her a sweet, soothing, proper goodbye instead of my stupid fucking crying and yelling and pleading.

I always thought I'd be there at the end. I'm so beyond devastated I don't know what to do with myself. Other than wait by the phone. And cry. And try not to scream at the top of my lungs when Big Kid asks me how to spell Vivian for the 100th time today and brings me hearts he's drawn to make me feel better.

Oh God I cannot even believe this is happening. I am so beyond sad and so beyond hating myself and feeling like life is so, so, so, so, so very unfair and feeling like a total asshole for writing about it instead of DOING something. But I don't know what to do other than scream or puke.