Praying Mantis

We went to the pool the other day and there was a dad there with 2 girls who looked around the same age. I'm guessing the girls were probably 12-13 and I believe he may have been their step-dad. They all jumped in the pool and soon he was tossing the girls from his shoulders. I thought it was fun they were all playing together.

Then I heard him say, "You are light as a feather! It's so different from having your sister on my shoulders, it's like having a wild buck up there when she's jumping. You are so light it's like nothing!" and I thought it was kind of a dickish thing to say, but that he probably hadn't realized how it sounded.

I looked up to glance at the heavy one and was surprised to see that I couldn't tell which one would be heavier. The girls were right around the same height and body shape, they may have even been twins. So I watched behind my sunglasses as they continued jumping to see if one was especially clumsy, and I could find no difference in the two girls except that he continued to complain how heavy the one was and even suggested that she start swimming laps daily.

"Have you ever seen a Praying Mantis?" he asked the one he liked. She hadn't. "It's a type of bug, really tall and thin and willowy. Super light! You remind me of one, so skinny."

I hopped in the pool and swam over to Mr. Ashley. "Do you hear this guy?"

"Yes. What the hell is his problem? They're the same size!" he whispered.

I was floating near them again and was trying to think of a way to laughingly say "You're crazy! They're both in great shape!" next time he complained, but I could tell that he was a tough guy who wouldn't have taken it well and that it may have led to additional torture for "the fat one". His wife and her mother eventually showed up and I thought for sure it would stop once they were present, but nope, several more remarks about the size of this perfectly average pre-teen.

After 10 minutes of hearing him insist that he was the only person he knew that couldn't float (because of the size of his muscles--*insert ginormous eye roll here*) and a declaration that only "shit floats" (whispered conspiratorially to the "skinny girl"), Mr. Ashley and I had to leave early because I could no longer control myself from openly glaring at him and snorting in derision.

Interestingly, his wife was wearing a bathing suit she had NO BUSINESS wearing. Maybe homeboy should try suggesting that she swim some laps.