Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Writer's Block

Guys, I’m supposed to be writing for work right now, to satisfy the anxiety of a looming deadline and life’s expenses, but instead I just keep opening blank documents and staring at them and thinking: “Well, this is it. This is when I’m going to just have to come clean and admit that I have been faking being a professional writer for eight whole years now."

I mean, yeah, I do the writing and I get paid for it from multiple sources who seem to like working with me, but still, I don’t feel like one. Do writers feel like writers? I think they would. I still feel like I want to be a writer, but what would that look like if eight years of getting paid for it isn’t enough? I have to pay taxes, shouldn't that count?

 I guess actually doing the writing instead of dramatizing the process would be a good start.

 Yesterday I couldn’t do it either; in fact, I polished 3 years of verdigris off of a copper top table while thinking about it instead. And right now I can’t. I can write a piece about how I can’t write that piece but in this dramatic moment of self-doubt, I am positive that this loss of creativity is forever now, like hiccups or the Kardashians.

That’s the hard part of doing what you love for a living, especially since creativity is a fickle bitch and panic is my muse. I know for a fact that I will get it done and I will obsess over it at all costs until I am satisfied with the end result and for that one fleeting second, I will feel like a writer again.

I know that after I publish this and check Facebook and wander around the house, I will commit to writing an intro, outline and rough conclusion and things will seem less impossible with every word put to (virtual) paper, and I will gain some momentum and it will be finished with some time to spare for doubting everything/editing before sending it off to my editor Monday.

I’ve even done the research, so I’m like a quarter of the way there already. I’m actually ahead of the game, as long as my creativity didn’t sneak off to die in a fire like I suspect.

 The everyday angst of writing is bumpy and I’m thinking about a career change to be a mermaid at Weeki Wachee Springs instead, but I haven’t looked into the logistics of that yet.

I might do that right before I get started on this article.

4 comments:

Jamie McGinnis said...

I feel the same way about being a runner. I don't FEEL like a runner but I run 3 times a week so it seems kind of like I'm a runner.

TH said...

Weeki Wachee was JUST hiring mermaids a couple weeks ago! I bet if you slap on some waterproof make up and hustle over there, they'd hire ya in a second!

Ashley McCann said...

TH, NO WAY! This is fate!!!!! I'm going in late July but that may be too late. I was actually writing that article I'm wrestling, but now I feel like it's urgent that I look into this opportunity.

Jamie, I can definitely see feeling the same way about being a runner. I think it may apply to most things that imply talent or hard work was involved. I have felt like other job titles I've had, so I think this is hobby-specific. If I were a Weeki Wachee mermaid, would I feel like one? I think I would but, man, that would throw off conversations even worse than the "I'm a writer" thing does. No one seems to quite believe that I am a writer, I can imagine it would be even harder to explain that I'm a mermaid.

Ashley McCann said...

I just researched and you have to be able to make attractive faces underwater which pretty much rules me out anyway, but they also have to clean and only make minimum wage so fuck that. I guess I'll write.