Thursday, March 16, 2017

To My Sons,

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry the life I had planned for you isn't going as planned.

I'm so sorry I stayed in this situation for as long as I did, and I'm so sorry I can't stay in it for longer.

I'm so sorry that your lives are being divided.

I'm so sorry I never know what to say or do next anymore.

I'm so sorry that you're more likely to remember how I burst into tears when I asked you to please not clink your spoon so loudly against the bowl today, and not that I was working every spare minute to build a business entirely reliant on my mental acuity and concentration at a time I have neither.

I'm so sorry that it's your friends providing the spring break memories that I used to live for.

I'm so sorry that I have to say "We'll see" knowing it's a definite "no" when neither of you ever ask for anything.

I'm just so sorry.

I know you're going to grow up and this will be the scary part of your story, and I wish I had been a better author of your lives so I could save you from it.

I hope one day we all understand, me included.

I hope you know that I have loved you ferociously even at my lowest or loudest point.

I hope one day you'll be proud of me.

I hope one day I can say I'm a really good mom again, with confidence I don't have right now.

I hope one day everyone will see that it was the only way.

But no matter what, I'm sorry.

6 comments:

Jamie McGinnis said...

They may not completely understand but they know you're mourning and that you're tired and you're sad. I know that because of what you've written about them and about your relationship with them.

Anonymous said...

I understand. I'm here, I'm reading, I'm sending all sorts of positive energy your way.

Renee

Anonymous said...

6 years on the other side of divorce. At the time was a mom of 2 boys (now 3). Identify with every line of this post and remember every bit of this rawness. You can't feel it or see it now and you'll hate people who say it but you don't know me so you can hate me and I don't mind. There IS an "other side." And while I'm confident some (many?) things may NEVER make sense, I also can attest to the healing that is possible, and to the weird, shocking reality that your boys may be way more okay than you think...now AND on the other side. Mine constantly shock me with their deep knowing even when there is no understanding. Have followed your blog for years and it gave me laughs and comfort when not a whole lot did. May your writing be part of what sustains you. <3

Caitlin A said...

No idea if this helps, but both my husband and I are the product of divorces (his parents split when he was 2, mine when I was 11). It was hard at first to get used to, especially back then when divorce wasn't quite as common as it is now. But close to 20 years out, I can say that I only am sadder they didn't do it sooner. As a kid you value stability over a lot of things, but as you grow older it's a lot easier to put into context. Kids are resilient. They'll be okay. Take care of yourself, because you can't pour from an empty cup. <3 Lots of love.

Anonymous said...

My niece left her husband when her two children were younger than yours are - I remember the long conversations I had with her, reassuring her that the kids would be fine. I told her that they would be getting a fine example of strong women from her. Also - and maybe more importantly - they would have a better idea of what a good marriage is and should be by NOT being around a marriage that didn't work. I am happy to report that several years later, the kids are great, excellent students, my niece and her ex have, to the most part, a pretty decent shared custody arrangement. She has also gotten remarried, but I think that was just a plus - now that the kids are older, they will be able to see what a good marriage looks like. Kids are resilient. I have been reading you for years, and you have raised two pretty amazing sons. They know they are loved and supported - and that's what they need. Best of luck to you - I know that there are other readers like me who do really care what happens and hope that you will be able to continue writing.

Erica said...

You're such a good mom. We are all truly out own worst critics. Just know you're doing a good job. Big hugs to you.