Confession

Can I confess that I am having a Bad Mom kind of day?

I hate to say it, and I'd hate for anyone to take it the wrong way, but constantly being outwitted and outlasted by a 17 month old is beginning to take its toll on me.

He just used a ride on toy to batter down the baby barrier and I can't even be bothered to stop him at this point. I even got out the Play-doh in the hopes that they would both just be occupied and give me a little break.

He is SO cute and SO sweet but seriously...it's not that he gets in to stuff sometimes, it's that he gets into stuff ALL THE TIME. Every minute that he is awake.

I guess he needs the kind of mom who wants to get out of the house every single day, those great moms that are at the play dates and Gymboree classes and hanging around parks daily.

I'm just not that kind of mom.

I get to the park and I'm hot and I'm bored and I'm ready to leave in 5 minutes. I go to playgroup play dates to eat the cookies and juice and count the minutes until it is over. I fucking hate Gymboree and historically my kids and I don't do well with their conformist bullshit.

This is why I bought an overabundance of toys and provided a sibling and pets...so home would be fun. I like home, Big Kid likes home, Mr. Ashley likes home...it looks like little kid is the one who should be adjusting.

I'm starting to feel like I'm slipping into post-partum depression...17 months late. I just feel exhausted and like I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and deny it any time anyone tries to remind me that I'm a mother.

This obviously isn't working for any of us, and he's even more stubborn than I am, so I guess it looks like I'm going to spend some time sitting at the park. I'm not starting that until next week though, I only start new things on Mondays and I have to go across the state for a photography seminar tomorrow. I'm coming back the same night, but surely it will take a few days to recover from all of that activity.

What I REALLY feel guilty about is that I'm losing my patience with Big Kid and doing even less around the house (you didn't think it was possible, did you?) and totally unmotivated with my business as a result of my feeling overwhelmed. It is just so hard to get anything done and it just stays that way for such a brief period of time, that it feels like a waste of energy and effort to even bother.

Ugh. Just hoping a confession will cleanse the soul or something. The Catholics swear by it, you know. They're a pretty wacky bunch, but I'll try anything today.