A Dilemma

I think I've mentioned before that I don't tell real life people about my blog. Mostly because I think they'll be freaked out to see that I've been blogging about them (Would my girl crush like to know that I've told thousands of people that she has really nice boobs?) and because I don't want anyone reading about the sex toys and me talking shit about children and thinking differently about me.

I also enjoy being able to blog about anyone at any time. Even though I don't say anything bad about the people I know well enough to share it with, some people might feel weird about being a character and might take offense to things that are not offensive.

The dilemma is that people in real life have no idea that I'm famous. (Don't say I'm not, I am too famous.) Not to be able to brag about the traffic I've been getting, or my Bloggie nomination, or all of my great comments and friends is really hard for an attention loving weiner gobbler.

I only told Catfish because it is so hard for us to keep in touch. We're both pretty sucky friends, which makes us perfect for each other. Sometimes we'll let a year go before getting our shit together and I thought it would be fun for her to read about the boys' lives. Besides, Catfish is also an attention loving weiner gobbler (always has been) and loves to see us talking about her.

In a moment of weakness, I told LK just because I had to tell someone. Plus, I knew Emmers would have to be a character and figured it wouldn't be right to post her kid's pictures and shenanigans on the internet without her even knowing.

The only person it kills me not to tell is my mom. We have a unique relationship and I've pretty much always told her everything. This started off as a fun little secret and it was just easier NOT to explain the extent of my online world. Then things started snowballing and I started to feel like I was lying by not sharing it with her. Now things are avalanching (is that a word?) and I feel like I'm lying every time I talk to her!

Also, my paranoia convinces me that she knows. She has been in my house (alone even) while my weiner gobbler cards were out lying around. She has used my laptop. Anyone can google weiner gobbler or master cleanse or poop or sunpass ticket and land here...how do I know she hasn't? She really freaked me out today by saying I should start a blog to jot down all of the funny things the boys say and do....so she knows right? Otherwise, how does she even know what a blog is?

Regardless, if thousands of people are visiting a day...it is pretty much a matter of time before someone I know stumbles across it. If you are someone I know and you have stumbled across it, do me a favor and keep it on the down low, would you? It is too small of a town and the last thing I need is people finding out I called their kid a wuss, or fat, or said that I wish they'd never been born. That would be bad for business, one would think.

If I have called your kid a wuss, or fat or wished they'd never been born...I was kidding, I swear. It's all in the name of entertainment. My Class Clown Syndrome is a medical diagnosis, a chemical imbalance even (remember, I am on Effexor). You can't use what I say against me.

As far as my mom knowing, I guess I have to tell her. I mean, it's not like I'm going to stop anytime soon. As weird as it will be to tell her a year later...imagine how weird it would be to broach the subject 5 years later. When I have a book deal. And I'm a household name. And I'm filthy stinking rich. Yeah, that could be awkward.

Because I'm a lister, let's list my concerns here:

1. That whole Too Timid product review team that I'm, erm, I mean my freaky friend, is on. Sometimes my freaky friend likes to discuss products here and that would be a little weird. I am, I mean she's not, a big perv or anything, it was just a cool opportunity and advertising for them is a fun and entertaining way to make a little money.

2. My colorful language. Not sure if my mom has ever even heard the term fucktard? I know for a fact she hasn't heard some of the phrases Kate suggested for our troll friend. I do drop the f bomb all over the place around here and that cannot change. I'm also not sure if she'd understand the whole girl crush thing? It has the potential to turn into some weird talk about bisexuals and The Gays and I am not one (not that there is anything wrong with being one). I swear.

3. Trolls, drama and internet psychos. She knows about the Photowow Mafia psycho shit, but otherwise she is still an innocent as far as how scary the internet can really be. Also, she may worry about those who are so concerned with my parenting skills, not realizing that there are Perfect Parenting Police all over the internet that validate their parenting by insulting the jobs being done by others. And that people are J-E-A-L-O-U-S. Jealous, jealous, jealous.

4. The need to share. I think it would be very, very hard to keep this secret. It is hard for me and it's my own ass I'm protecting. The blog is funny because I can say whatever I want (and do) and that will continue. I would prefer that Big Kid not become a social outcast because of his mom's shit talking hobby.

5. Getting offended. I'm not sure what I've said in the past, or if it could possibly offend, but everyone is a character. I have to think what best way to portray them to amuse others. I really don't think I've said anything I'd regret, but you just never know. Also, there's that whole issue of knowing that anything you say or do around me could become tomorrow's source of entertainment for thousands. That's a weird situation to be in, I'm sure.

So there we go, that is the list. A lot of valid concerns there, but whatever. I'm going to ponder on it for a couple more hours and then I'll probably pull the trigger. Just wanted to let you all know, so that if we ever get a commenter that says things along the lines of, "Ashley Suzanne, I better never catch you using language like that!" and whatnot, you'll know that my mom is in the closet with us.

Don't feel the need to censor yourselves. I won't be. She's cool, I promise. I'm pretty sure she can handle it. Man oh man is this weird.