Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A Dilemma

I think I've mentioned before that I don't tell real life people about my blog. Mostly because I think they'll be freaked out to see that I've been blogging about them (Would my girl crush like to know that I've told thousands of people that she has really nice boobs?) and because I don't want anyone reading about the sex toys and me talking shit about children and thinking differently about me.

I also enjoy being able to blog about anyone at any time. Even though I don't say anything bad about the people I know well enough to share it with, some people might feel weird about being a character and might take offense to things that are not offensive.

The dilemma is that people in real life have no idea that I'm famous. (Don't say I'm not, I am too famous.) Not to be able to brag about the traffic I've been getting, or my Bloggie nomination, or all of my great comments and friends is really hard for an attention loving weiner gobbler.

I only told Catfish because it is so hard for us to keep in touch. We're both pretty sucky friends, which makes us perfect for each other. Sometimes we'll let a year go before getting our shit together and I thought it would be fun for her to read about the boys' lives. Besides, Catfish is also an attention loving weiner gobbler (always has been) and loves to see us talking about her.

In a moment of weakness, I told LK just because I had to tell someone. Plus, I knew Emmers would have to be a character and figured it wouldn't be right to post her kid's pictures and shenanigans on the internet without her even knowing.

The only person it kills me not to tell is my mom. We have a unique relationship and I've pretty much always told her everything. This started off as a fun little secret and it was just easier NOT to explain the extent of my online world. Then things started snowballing and I started to feel like I was lying by not sharing it with her. Now things are avalanching (is that a word?) and I feel like I'm lying every time I talk to her!

Also, my paranoia convinces me that she knows. She has been in my house (alone even) while my weiner gobbler cards were out lying around. She has used my laptop. Anyone can google weiner gobbler or master cleanse or poop or sunpass ticket and land here...how do I know she hasn't? She really freaked me out today by saying I should start a blog to jot down all of the funny things the boys say and do....so she knows right? Otherwise, how does she even know what a blog is?

Regardless, if thousands of people are visiting a day...it is pretty much a matter of time before someone I know stumbles across it. If you are someone I know and you have stumbled across it, do me a favor and keep it on the down low, would you? It is too small of a town and the last thing I need is people finding out I called their kid a wuss, or fat, or said that I wish they'd never been born. That would be bad for business, one would think.

If I have called your kid a wuss, or fat or wished they'd never been born...I was kidding, I swear. It's all in the name of entertainment. My Class Clown Syndrome is a medical diagnosis, a chemical imbalance even (remember, I am on Effexor). You can't use what I say against me.

As far as my mom knowing, I guess I have to tell her. I mean, it's not like I'm going to stop anytime soon. As weird as it will be to tell her a year later...imagine how weird it would be to broach the subject 5 years later. When I have a book deal. And I'm a household name. And I'm filthy stinking rich. Yeah, that could be awkward.

Because I'm a lister, let's list my concerns here:

1. That whole Too Timid product review team that I'm, erm, I mean my freaky friend, is on. Sometimes my freaky friend likes to discuss products here and that would be a little weird. I am, I mean she's not, a big perv or anything, it was just a cool opportunity and advertising for them is a fun and entertaining way to make a little money.

2. My colorful language. Not sure if my mom has ever even heard the term fucktard? I know for a fact she hasn't heard some of the phrases Kate suggested for our troll friend. I do drop the f bomb all over the place around here and that cannot change. I'm also not sure if she'd understand the whole girl crush thing? It has the potential to turn into some weird talk about bisexuals and The Gays and I am not one (not that there is anything wrong with being one). I swear.

3. Trolls, drama and internet psychos. She knows about the Photowow Mafia psycho shit, but otherwise she is still an innocent as far as how scary the internet can really be. Also, she may worry about those who are so concerned with my parenting skills, not realizing that there are Perfect Parenting Police all over the internet that validate their parenting by insulting the jobs being done by others. And that people are J-E-A-L-O-U-S. Jealous, jealous, jealous.

4. The need to share. I think it would be very, very hard to keep this secret. It is hard for me and it's my own ass I'm protecting. The blog is funny because I can say whatever I want (and do) and that will continue. I would prefer that Big Kid not become a social outcast because of his mom's shit talking hobby.

5. Getting offended. I'm not sure what I've said in the past, or if it could possibly offend, but everyone is a character. I have to think what best way to portray them to amuse others. I really don't think I've said anything I'd regret, but you just never know. Also, there's that whole issue of knowing that anything you say or do around me could become tomorrow's source of entertainment for thousands. That's a weird situation to be in, I'm sure.

So there we go, that is the list. A lot of valid concerns there, but whatever. I'm going to ponder on it for a couple more hours and then I'll probably pull the trigger. Just wanted to let you all know, so that if we ever get a commenter that says things along the lines of, "Ashley Suzanne, I better never catch you using language like that!" and whatnot, you'll know that my mom is in the closet with us.

Don't feel the need to censor yourselves. I won't be. She's cool, I promise. I'm pretty sure she can handle it. Man oh man is this weird.


Anonymous said...

No advice for you on your mom, but one thing I saw you do a few months ago that gave me a "yikes" moment was slam the brat & her mom--the kid who would not behave, also was not cute, and had the pushiest mother in the world? (I may be combining a couple stories here--hard to remember) Anyway, it's probably not the most professional/strategic thing to dog a client on here in case they see it, deserved or not (and it looked deserved to me, but still). Just my 2 cents--I'd hate to see you lose business! Keep rocking!

Anonymous said...

You haven't told us your business name though, have you? I mean how many of your clients know what your kids look like and what are the real odds of them coming across this? I doubt many people would even recognize their obnoxious selves if they did come across it. I think your pretty good about being vague.

(Maybe I'm being selfish but I love how honest you are and would hate for that to change! I'd rather it be a big secret from everyone you know then for anything around here to change!!)

Donna. W said...

I leave a lot of things unsaid in my blog because relatives and real-life friends read it. But I'd rather have it that way than to be totally anonymous.

Anonymous said...

I feel a bit sorry for your BK, you talk the most shit about him. It actually is kind of sad because the way you blog on here is really how you truly feel deep inside.

Jennifer said...

I don't tell anyone I know in real life about my blog, either. Not even Fidel and it's hard to not tell him because we have the same sense of humor and I know he would be laughing his ass off. I say tell your mom, though. Make her pinkie swear to secrecy and let her in on your shit talking hobby. She knows you do sex already. That won't be a shock to her. I bet it won't even shock her to see you use the f-word.

Anonymous said...

That's so weird - I was just wondering about this this morning. (because I was thinking book deal!) I have no advice, but hope that nothing changes.

Jennifer said...

anonymous, you need to work on your reading comprehension as well as your trolling skills because you suck at both. I don't know Ashley at all but I can tell she loves her kids. Maybe if your mother had loved you half as much as Ashley loves her boys you would have better manners.

Melodie said...

I have to leave certain things out in order to not offend certain people. I wish I could be completely honest and incognito, but most of my readers are people I know. If I was anonymous, I don't know that I would even have any readers.

KatieGirlBlue said...

Hmm...I don't have any REAL advice, because everyone I know - including my family - knows about my blog (a bad idea in hindsight, because I find that I censor myself).

But as to kind of wanting people in your "real life" to know about your fame and fortune online, maybe you could modify one of t-shirts that says, "I'm huge in Japan," to say, "I'm huge online."

Then the real life people would wonder. They might, in fact, be struck dumb by your intrigue.

An "I'm kind of a big deal" shirt could work, too...

~Gretchen~ said...

I also feel so sorry for your Big Kid, stuck with all those Jews who do fun things with him and learning about their cool culture but who have still not learned to recognize the awesomeness of your cupcakes. Poor child.

Anonymous said...

I like you being anonymous! Don't tell anyone and DON'T ever censor anything you say (even about me I love being a character -- weiner gobbler actually)

AFRo said...

I know I'm late on this deal, but your mom totally knows already. You hit the nail on the head with the part about how would she even know what the hell a blog was? It would take at least 30 minutes to make my mom understand. Trust me, I've tried following that whole "Golden Compass" post that I shared with hundreds.