Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Fatty Fatty Two By Four

Heidi Louise has discovered that she can no longer squeeze through the deck railings. If she had seen herself in a mirror lately, I doubt this would have come as such a surprise. Her belly is practically dragging on the ground. Her little stick legs can barely support her body. She looks like an engorged tick, with her teeny tiny head and her teeny tiny legs protruding from her swollen, round torso.

So I heard a bunch of banging around out there, and since little kid is in his room protesting his first nap of the day I knew it wasn't him, and I found her hanging there, half on the deck, half off, back legs scurrying away, head jerking around this way and that, grunting and obviously in a panic. So I go over and give her fat ass a few gentle tugs...and nothing. She was seriously wedged in there.

Now I'm starting to panic. Mr. Ashley wasn't home and this sort of thing is not usually my department. What will I do if I can't get her out? Is it even possible to oil up a weiner dog? (Have I mentioned that she's a one eyed weiner dog? Because that makes it even funnier.) What would one use to lube up a one eyed weiner dog? (Insert Too Timid ad here, go buy stuff, I need the money)

I would have to cut the deck railing I guessed. Do we even have a saw? We have a chainsaw. So, so much could go wrong there though, besides, I'm afraid of chainsaws and I don't even know if I could start it. Maybe I would have to kick the railing out? I did take kick boxing (twice) when I lived in the Keys. That plan actually sounded very dramatic and fun, but I knew if I kicked out the rail that little kid's prison would be breached and I'd be unable to contain him out there, and with Mr. Ashley's 10 year turn around time on projects, I'd be doing his whole toddlerhood with no confinement. That wasn't happening.

Having run out of options, I tried squeezing her front legs together and sliding her backwards. Not budging. Finally, in a moment of panic, I squished her fat belly as hard as I could and jerked hard...with a grunt and a pop she was free...and ran right over to little kid's table in search of abandoned snacks.


Jill said...

Poor baby! She needs some reduced fat doggie food. LOL

AFRo said...

That is quite a dilema for this early in the morning. Good job on the quick thinking! I'm pretty impressed with the thought process.

Anonymous said...

OMG seriously you need to hire a crew to film your family and then sell it to some tv station and make tons of money. I am sure it would be much more entertaining than all those others out there. It is just too funny


Anonymous said...

Hey I had to tell you I just went and voted for your blog!! Your the greatest


Anonymous said...

Is that where the "weiner gobbler" part comes in?

Anonymous said...

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! Seriously I was gone for one day and a half and I have about 20 posts to catch up on!

Unknown said...

My little Cocker once got herself in a similar "situation" with black iorn stripes down her sides that stayed for weeks and bruised ribs. It still makes me laugh to this day.

One lubing a one eyed wiener is funny and not sexy at all.