Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Cookie Monster Diet

Everyone's on a diet, including Cookie Monster. I really think it is insensitive to those of us who are still waiting to start our diets for various reasons (which are escaping me at the moment) to be discussing it all the time, flaunting weight loss, and comparing poo.

Most of the Chaws are dieting. Several have even been Master Cleansing, even though I told them not to. So naturally, the conversation has steered back towards poop. I can't even tell you how many poop related emails have been exchanged over the years. We've done baby poop, husband poop, diet poop, dog poop, colon cleanse poop, Master Cleanse poop, clogged toilet poop, not pooping and so much more. I actually saw photos of a chaw's husband's poo during our colon cleansing obsession period. I have found myself wondering at night if so and so's kid has finally gone ahead and pooped yet or not. That's friendship, ladies.

Anyway, everyone is losing all of this weight except for me who hasn't been on a scale in a really long time. Either my clothes are getting smaller and my mirror has subtly warped to make my belly appear pregnant-ish, or I have most likely gained a few. Fuck.

This is especially a major problem because I went over to the Girl Crush's house the other day. This is actually Girl Crush #2, in case you remember or kept up with the Girl Crush saga. I actually didn't even tell you all about her at first because I didn't want you to think I was a total psycho, but now I've proven that so you may as well get to know her.

I went over there and had a great time and we found out we have tons in common (mainly slightly messy houses, kids that are in their undies a lot, a penchant for pajamas and a love of laziness) and I'm pretty sure we're ready to move onto a steady relationship.

This is great and I'm all aglow with the excitement of a new friendship, HOWEVER...she is Exceptionally Pretty. Head turning-ly so. Ugh. It's mainly her size that concerns me. She has 2 kids too, so I can't even use that as an excuse. I know if we start going steady I'd want to take her on the boat, EXCEPT I know I'd probably stare at her all day and I would have to poke Mr. Ashley's eyes out before I'd even consider going.

The Renee thinks I should probably just not go anywhere with her and since we both like being at home so much, we should probably stick with that. That's probably my best bet for now, but plan B is to lose this weight. I think I can still call it baby weight after 16 months, but I know I'm pushing it with that. More like McDonald's french fries and Coke weight. Damn McDonald's.

So I'll be joining the Chaws and Cookie Monster in their quest for supreme health and a rockin' bod. Soon. Maybe Monday. I mean, I have to go grocery shopping and stuff and no one starts stuff on a Thursday or Friday. That's a sure fire recipe for failure. So Monday it is, probably.

Can we talk about the Cookie Monster thing though? Seriously? Is this necessary? It annoys me. I'm tired of these politically correct life lessons creeping in to all aspects of my life. I get it, but come on. Leave Cookie Monster out of it. Let the Monster have his cookies, that's his whole deal. Would Vegetable Monster ever have been popular? Um, no.

What's next? Speech Therapy for Elmo? Anger Management for The Grouch? OCD meds for The Count? Lexapro for Snuffy? Couples Counseling for Bert & Ernie?

Sweet niblets people, lay off. Everyone deserves some mindless pleasure. Sesame Street is already chock-full of education. Let the characters have their flaws. If my kid translates Cookie Monster's passion for cookies as permission to make a mess eating cookies all day long...I'll take care of it.

Besides, who likes vegetables? Really? There's nothing entertaining about vegetables.


Carie said...

Sweet niblets? Have you been watching Hannah Montana?

I like the Choo-Choo train idea for the invites! The invitation could be shaped like a train with heart wheels.

Jennifer said...

You know, Cookie already has some loose skin going on. He's going to look like a blanket wrapped around a broomstick if he loses much weight. He will be auditioning for The Swan to get that shit tucked. And those google eyes fixed.

Anonymous said...

I hate all the PC stuff on Sesame Street as well. And, because you hate mis-spellings, it's Bert, not Burt.

Thanks for the laughs.


Melissa said...

I too need to start a diet on Monday. I agree that starting on a Thursday is a recipe for failure! Good luck!

Somewhere Between Pinot and Pacifiers said...

I had not heard that Cookie Monster was dieting and we have not watched Sesame in a while. That is just too, too much.

Anonymous said...

I agree the Cookie Monster PC crap is ridiculous. Someone needs to have a serious reality check!

On another note, veggies can be entertaining. We like Veggietales here. The kids are gaga over the movie coming out tomorrow. I just don't know if I can sit through 60-90 minutes of Larry the Cucumber singing again. I'm sure we'll wait for the video.

Renee said...

As of this morning, I'm down 9.4 pounds in 2008. Woo hoo! Strong start. So 10 down, 75 to go. Grrrr.

I agree that the Sesame Street updates are crap. Did you see that they included a warning on a DVD set that includes the first few seasons of the show? They said something like "might not be suitable for today's young children". How very strange.

I try to get my kids to watch the Andy Griffith Show and Leave it to Beaver but they don't hold their attention. Black and white? No animation? No music? And this was entertainment back in the day? Lol. The times they are a-changin'.

-The Renee

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that my kid is too young to understand what a diet is when he watches Sesame Street. But, maybe he's smarter than I give him credit for! Way to go Sesame, for turning out a new generation of eating disorders and low self esteem kids!--BBC lurker

Amy said...

Speech Therapy for Elmo? Anger Management for The Grouch? OCD meds for The Count? Lexapro for Snuffy? Couples Counseling for Bert & Ernie?

HAHAHHA!! That is hilarious!