Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Rules for Me Reading Your Blog

1. PARAGRAPH BREAKS. This is the first thing I look for. If I go to your blog and see one ginormous block of never ending text, I don't even try. It just hurts my eyes, it's too hard to keep track of where I'm at on the page and it's harder for me to hear your "voice".

If you are unsure of when to insert a paragraph break, MORE IS BETTER. This isn't like apostrophes, you can't go wrong with overusing the paragraph break, I don't think. Any time the subject changes or there would be a pause in conversation, go ahead and start a new paragraph. Sometimes I'm not even sure I should "officially" start a new paragraph, but if things are looking too long I'll stick one in there. It's just easier on the eyes.

2. Spelling. Now, you don't have to be a genius. Everyone has typos (even me!) and spelling isn't everyone's forte. That's why God invented spellcheck (and yes, She did invent it, I checked). It's really easy and available just about anywhere you would ever type. It just takes a second. Correct spelling gives your posts credibility and singles you out from the lady at Wal-mart who has a dirty, half naked, Kool-Aid drinking baby in her shopping cart. We have no other way to make a good first impression online, besides, I'm not about to waste time trying to decipher whatever language you've invented with your misspellings (don't even get me started on this new text message language that has evolved. Barf).

In real life, I'd get to look you over and decide if you looked clean/nice/normal and make my next move from there. Online I can really only Judge whether or not you are reasonably educated and are able to present your opinions legibly (you don't even have to agree with me). Now don't get me wrong, stupid people keep the internet fun for all of us, but if you can't spell and don't use spell check you could be mistaken for one. (also, read up on the your/you're, their/there/they're stuff if it's confusing to you. Everyone does it once in a while, but it shouldn't be a regular mistake.)

3. Font, Color and Layout. Once again, this is a first impression thing. You might really, really, really love pink. And that's great. Really it is. But I might not want to read a bright pink polka dot background with size 18 hot pink Corsiva font. I will know right away that I cannot commit long term to something that gives me a headache. There are millions of blogs out there and lots of talented and funny people. Even if you are funny, it's not worth a headache. Go with something easy to read. I like colors too, but content is more important than my love for lime green.

4. Ads. I'm not against them. I have one for Too Timid (please, buy your sex toys from there) and I'm not opposed to others, MAYBE, if I like the product/service and it is worth it for me to do so. BUT, no one wants to see a bunch of Google ad links all over your site. It's so annoying and does anyone ever click on them? I can't imagine anyone does. Maybe I'm wrong and you're all making millions, but you have to have really good content if I have to look at 9 million ads in order to get to it.

5. Capitalization. Now I know I recently broke this rule, but really you should use a capital letter for the first letter of every sentence if you want me to read your posts. It's like the rule about the long paragraphs, it's just hard to stay on track if you don't. (I will admit here that I don't capitalize little kid, but that's a style thing. You know, how like some moms would name their child Lit'Tle K'Idd? Sort of like that. But way easier to read and more logical)

I think that is it. Obviously if you're boring or if what you're into doesn't interest me, then it isn't going to work out. I do want to clarify that I'm not the total spelling Nazi that I seem to be. I do notice (I can't help it) but I don't dislike you over it unless you are completely illiterate or annoying. Some of my best friends are terrible spellers. It's endearing because I love them. So if you are otherwise lovable, you're probably fine.

Also, I don't want anyone to read this and think "That's why she doesn't read my blog. She's talking about me!" I'm not talking about anyone in particular, I swear. I want to confess that I SUCK LATELY. I haven't really been reading anyone's blog. Not even Monogram Momma, who is my idol. Not even Clemsongirl, who is my Girl Crush. Not even Fluffy Windover, who makes me pee my pants a little. Not Gretchen or Deb from Missives of Suburbia, who I consider personal friends. Not even The Renee's personal family blog and I love those kids and all the crap she does with them!!

So it's not you, it's me. I just suck. Actually, I'm unsuccessfully trying to tame life. I'll get bored of it soon enough and slip back into chaos and the comfort of my online world. Have no fear. I'll be back.

In the meantime, make your shit easy to read!! Please!! One day I'll read it, I swear.


Amy said...

Hey, I'm easy. Always have been. Heh.

And boring? Yes, frequently. Though today I blogged about how I had to pee on my kid last week. Now that's interesting!

Anonymous said...

Hugs & Kisses to you, Ashley. No worries, I have really sucked lately (that is, when I've been around!) so you haven't missed much. ;-)

P.S. Sorry I probably over-used a comma up there after "no worries." It probably should have been a semi-colon but I'm too lazy to go back and delete and re-do.

Unknown said...

Actually, that is perfect comma placement! Way to go.

Amy, I'll definitely have to read about that. Sounds like something I might want to try.

Sarahviz said...

"...singles you out from the lady at Wal-mart who has a dirty, half naked, Kool-Aid drinking baby in her shopping cart."

You forgot to mention that this baby must be drinking said Kool-Aid from a bottle and must be at least 3 years of age.


Sasha said...

*small voice* Am I the pink blog in question? If so, I must know.

Melodie said...

I totally agree with you. If you don't speak or write using the proper grammar and spelling, it SO makes you look stupid. How are our children supposed to learn the correct way if we don't show them ourselves?
Another thing I have a HUGE problem with is the improper use of I and me. When someone begins a sentence with "Me and so-n-so.." it drives me crazy. Or those people who always end with "So-n-so and I," when it doesn't always work that way. For example, "He gave the cookies to Emily and I," is NOT correct. It should be, "He gave the cookies to Emily and me."
This is such a pet peeve of mine, I could go one all day about this.

Anonymous said...

Cajun Boy is awesome! Hilarious post.

clemsongirlandthecoach said...

Praise Mary, I made the cut. I was starting to sweat it when your comments were MIA.

Me also thinks bad grammar be irritating. And colored blog pages.

What shall I post to get your attention again? Things that make a girl go hmmmm...

Renee said...

You're not reading my blog?

-The Renee

Anonymous said...

I just started my own blog but figured I don't have enough time to "Git 'r done" lately.


Unknown said...

I thought of you and this blog today.
My professor in school capitalized NOTHING in his PowerPoint presentation.. come on. Seriously?
Granted, it was A&P but the dude has a Masters. You think he's at least be capable of properly capitalizing, eh?

Anonymous said...

Kool-Aid in the bottle is only slightly better than the time I saw a dad at Six Flags pour Mountain Dew in his baby's bottle. His BABY. I'm sure this kid's dentist is making a bundle off the whole family.

Kas said...

I found you from BBC!! Just wanted to say I think you are hilarious!!!

Can't figure this damn blogspot out but I wanted to add you to a preffered list or whatever. Meh.. I'll get around to it!

Renee said...

You don't read my blog?

-The Renee

Kate said...

I know you can't be talking about me because I'm so awesome! :D Just wanted to point out that you forgot to mention me as the person most likely to land you in jail!!! That's ok, I still love you - even if I'm not your girl crush, your idol, etc!

Deb said...

I'm just excited you consider me a personal friend. Well, that, and my blog conforms to all of your rules, which are pretty much my rules, too. Although I have one more: I won't read you if you have a black background. I'm too old for that crap. Well, I make an exception for one blog, but that's because Holly is too funny not to read.

KatBouska said...

Afro just linked to this page and it's the first time I'm reading it. I couldn't agree more. But my favorite part of the whole post when all was said and done were The Renee's comments at the end. Hilarious. SO reminds me of me and my friends. Only my friends don't blog. And they're ugly.

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