Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Britney: A Solution

So I was just catching up on my celebrity gossip and came across an all too frequent photo of Britney Spears (Bless her crazy ass soul) amidst a sea of chaos, paparazzi surrounding her, bumping into her, shouting at her, lenses in her face, flashes going off, blocking her path and circling her vehicle, and I thought...no wonder she's bat shit crazy. Who wouldn't be?

Sure lots of people handle it just fine, but if you were already teetering on the rocky precipice of mental health that would sure as hell nudge you right on over the brink.

Talk about claustrophobia and invasion of privacy. Yeah, I know that's the cost of being a public figure. I know that as a society we are entitled to those photos of celebrities enjoying a Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks or trying to get their groceries. What would my life be without unauthorized photos of Maddox's fifth birthday party? I would not feel complete without knowing that Reese Witherspoon's daughter is the spitting image of her.

However, I do think some guidelines should be put in place. What is freedom if not being able to walk down the street without having some asshole running alongside you with a camera in your face? How can you pursue happiness if you can't even take your kids to the park to play?

How much crazier will a crazy person act if they're under a microscope (or a zoom lens) at all times?

Obviously, there should at least be a stalking law regarding personal space. Anything you can catch with a long lens, fine. Fair game. Public figure is a public figure. However, someone should be able to walk without disruption and there should be a perimeter rule, like paparazzi cannot be within 10 feet, at least 5 feet. Something. They should also have to be a certain distance from vehicles, that's just a safety issue.

Secondly, I know it can't be a law, but I think everyone should agree to ignore Britney. She's insane. Of course we all want to watch. But as I have learned in my studies of behavior in toddlers (who are really pretty much exactly like insane people), if they get a reaction from something, they do it more. Even bad things. Even a bad reaction. They do not care because it is all about the power of creating that reaction.

Ask little kid. He's got this one down pat. As a family, we all know that if he turns the tv off, the only course of action is to completely ignore him and act unfazed. If you get upset or start freaking out or running over to him, it's on. He's ready. He'll do it the rest of the day. But if we all look away or pretend not to notice, he'll turn it back on and walk away.

Trust me when I tell you that Britney's the same way. The more we exclaim over her being barefoot at a gas station, or putting her kids in harm's way, the more she's hanging out at gas stations barefoot and doing things that put her kids in harm's way. She gets a lot of reaction and obviously enjoys it in some sick way because she continuously seeks out attention. She's running out of ways to shock us. Let's not encourage her to up the ante.

Or maybe we should do a nation wide intervention. Have you all seen that show Intervention on A&E? Maybe they could get involved. They could lure her to a Taco Bell and we would all be there. We would state our expectations (no more crazy shit, rehab/mental health facilities, and medication) and then we will tell her the consequences of continuing this behavior (being totally ignored, no more being famous, no more working, no more kids) and we will ask her if she's ready to take this step TODAY.

Because really, it's not even fun to make fun of her anymore. It's mean. Plus, we're all going to feel awful when she kills herself and the resultant news coverage will eventually make us all nuts (you know it would be even worse than Anna Nicole).

Let's all at least agree to look the other way for awhile. Also, let's do something about the paparazzi problem. I love US Weekly as much as the next guy, but it's becoming a human rights issue. It's just not right. You know it's not.

Okay, this is the last I'm speaking of She Who Shall Not Be Named. Unless something really major happens. Then it's pretty much my duty to provide you all with my opinion on it.


Ned said...

I am so with you!

Ms. Skywalker said...

Honestly, last night watching the fiasco that is her life, I cried for her.

That girl needs so much help that it breaks my heart. I even quit TMZ-ing, as a small protest.

She needs some peace, and I worry about where she will find it.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

I am soooo with you on this! I am removing Perez & TMZ from my blogroll and won't be buying any trash magazines to read during my pedicures.

I support your cause wholeheartedly! Thank you for helping me break my Brit-Habit. I needed the shove - thank you!

AFRo said...

I'm for the Intervention thing. I think only a genius could come up with that. Can you imagine the ratings!?! You need to copyright the idea now... you could make millions. But, I cannot break up with TMZ. It's just not possible. Kids + Baths + Dinner + everything else = no time for E!News. So, I gotta have it.

Jennifer said...

I agree that she needs to be ignored, but I do not feel sorry for her one bit. She sold baby pictures, wedding pictures, called the paps for publicity and has put on numerous "shows" for the purpose of staying in the spotlight. I would love one more story on her- her retiring to Switzerland or something so we would never hear her name again.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Amen, Sister Ashley.

Deb said...

I won't look anymore. Well, okay, I'll peer through my fingers, but I'll say a little prayer for her while I watch her inevitable demise.