Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dear God,

I have often heard that God will not give you what you can not handle. Something along those lines. This is why I'm fairly certain that little kid was somehow involved in a mix up at the hospital, even though he never left my sight and looks very much like the infant that came out of me and had the right bracelets on and everything.

I don't know.

Maybe you overestimated my abilities? I mean, I know you know everything and made all of us or whatever, but you do have a lot going on. If there was an error somewhere along the way (might not even be your fault, I'm sure you delegate a lot), the right thing to do would be to work out a solution.

I do want to keep him. I really like his name and he is definitely cute enough to be mine. I love the snuggly stuff too. Maybe you could work on some sort of behavior modification for him? Have a talk with him? Exorcise his demons?

I'm sure you'll think of something. I just wanted to bring it to your attention that either people were spreading lies about this whole "God only gives you what you can handle" thing or that there was some sort of mix up along the way in my situation.

While we're here, I want to apologize about the whole church thing. I even put it on my Yahoo calendar, so every Saturday night it's like you are there saying, "Ashley, I know you're not going to church tomorrow but wanted to remind you that you should be."

I know before I had kids it was okay. You and I had our own personal relationship and I talked with you plenty and knew you were cool with me not going. But lately I do more of using you and your Son's name in vain than talking to you and now it is painfully obvious that I'm raising heathens (sorry about Big Kid talking through Mary's soliloquy Christmas Eve before last) and that they need the fear of God in them. Because the fear of Mom isn't doing the trick.

I'd tell you I'll start going but you and I both know that I'd be lying. Sorry. I suck. You already know that though. Maybe you could find another way to scare the kids for me?

Thanks so much! You're doing an awesome job these days, by the way, I just need a little more help.

Yours Truly,
Ashley

9 comments:

Amy said...

This is hilarious!! Church is good for kids but it is hard to take them. Shark Boy dropped a Hot Wheels car in the baptismal font full of holy water when he was three and I had to climb the rail and fish it out. Sometimes during Mass I don't hear a thing because I'm hissing at him to Shush and trying to keep baby from crawling up the aisle.

Lord help us all.

Dana said...

My kid has never been to church. Unless you count a wedding he attended for all of 5 minutes. To be fair to me, he's only 16 months old. It's not like he's 10 or anything . . .

Jenn said...

I'm betting He'll get right on that, but just in case there are a few requests ahead of you, have you tried duct tape? Works marvelous as a sound barrier, (placed directly over the mouth) position security device, (wrap a couple of times around the wrist and arm of a chair) and entertainment tool (kids! let's play "try to pull the duct tape off of mommy's clothes that are full of dog hair!)

trishasboys said...

What about the church nursery?!??! That is so worth getting up early and getting dressed for....an hour and half of peace and quiet away from the darlings. If your church doesn't have a nursery you need to find one that does!! Now lots of churches have Saturday evening services so you wouldn't even have to get up early! Just a thought.
Trisha

Mom of 5 said...

Nature vs Nurture Ashley. Even God has no power over that. Sorry. Let the heathens carry on. It will all work out in the end. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ashley said...

LMAO Robin...you're right. Fuck it. None of it matters anyway...

;-)

Kate said...

Church? What's that? I figure God owes me one for the Demon Spawn inhabiting my house or maybe we're even due to the whole Weepin Jesus in the drawer and all....

I used to go to church but these days I'm scared to enter the sacred sanctuary. Too much sinning and the whole kleptomania thing have me convinced God will have the doors locked upon my arrival.

I can't remember if I told you or not, but I used you as a reference for some naughty shopping...figured as much as BK doesn't want to leave the Jews they may start charging you more!

Maggie said...

Don't ever believe for a minute that God won't give us more than we can handle. That kind of theology was invented by someone (probably a man) on his way out the door (to an office with no kids). How about boarding schools for kids between the ages of 15 months and 3 1/2 years? I've always thought that would be a good idea.

Deb said...

Oooh... I like the church nursery suggestion. Can't you just drop them at the church nursery and then go shopping or something?