Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Confession

I have a confession. I've been thinking about how to tell you all this since October. I've almost started this post so many times. It's just that I don't want you to think differently of me. Also, it is not funny. No. This is serious. You'll probably never think of me the same again. You might not want to read anymore.


Okay. Here goes. Once I hit publish, there's no going back. Well, I could delete it, but you bitches are quick. 300 of you would probably already know and you'd be sure to spread the word. Whispering and gossiping. Did you hear about Ashley? Emailing and IMing each other. Starting secret internet forums about me where you would copy and paste the confession I had thought I deleted.

I don't care. I'm going to bare my soul to you all. You deserve to know.

Okay, so.................................................................................

I'm on Effexor for anxiety. There. Now you know. You've been reading the ravings of an insane person. A MEDICATED insane person.

What's that you say?


What do you mean so?? This is huDge news.


It's not?

Everyone is on something these days?


What about the stigma though? Surely I have the stigma now, the one that those with mental health issues have?

No? There really isn't a stigma now? Lots of people need something or another to get them through tough times? Or just to get them through times?

Well, now that you say that, I guess I don't look at other people who are on Lexapro or Prozac or whatever and think that they are crazy. Well, some of them I do, but I think they're crazy no matter what.

So why the hell have I been keeping this secret for months? You mean, I could have told you about how weird I felt at first? I could have explained that my brief absence was a complete and total detachment from the world and that I wasn't sure if it was better to be anxious or to absolutely not give a shit about anything ever?

Damn. I struggled through all of that alone. For no reason at all.

Well, you'll be happy to hear (or you should be) that now I'm feeling better than ever. Like ever ever. I do get more headaches than I did before and that may be a side effect, but whatever. A good excuse for an Excedrine and a nap.

I don't remember if I ever knew what happy really was? I mean, yeah, of course I've been happy. But truly content with life? I don't remember. I mean my life pretty much does suck lately. I was stressed to the max with this whole condo thing and I have a financially unstable future due to this depressed real estate market (maybe it needs some Effexor too?) but I'm not up all night feeling sick about it or anything anymore. In fact, most of the time, I don't think of it at all. A MIRACLE for a big thinker (read: self torturer) like myself!

A fellow chaw once described being on Celexa and said that it took that knot of frustration in her throat away. That struck a chord with me, because I recognize that knot of frustration as a way of life, but I still didn't do anything about it for months, because surely I was not as crazy as she was.

But she's not crazy. She's smart. She came to the realization that she didn't have to live like this. That life can be good. That maybe sometimes you need some help remembering how to be happy or that sometimes it feels like God DOES give you more than you can handle (and no, this is not a reference to little kid).

Two of my other close friends have recently gotten on something too and they have both shared with me that they feel the same way that I do. Different. Good. Hopeful. Grateful. Happy.

Now that I'm on it, I've noticed all sorts of other women who are on it, all people who I deem "normal". So I guess I'm not some crazy freak. Well, maybe I am a crazy freak, but that's not what causes my anxiety and moodiness. Moodyness? Moodiness? Is that really a word? Looks wrong.

Anyway, I just wanted to share in case anyone else out there was on the fence about just may be a good thing for you. There's no shame in it. I'm sorry it doesn't make for a better confession, you all know I've been looking for something earth shattering for sweeps week. This isn't it.



I'm on Effexxor too, for mild depression and social anxiety disorder. I started taking it shortly after Ryan and I got married. I don't think getting married had anything to do with it...I'd been sliding into depression for a while before that. I took it until I got pregnant with Aidan, quit taking it for over a year while I was expecting and when Aidan was little. When we moved to Georgia and had only 1 car and I was trapped in the house with a toddler and NO ONE to talk to I about lost my mind. At one point I burst into tears and had what I would equate to a nervous breakdown because we couldn't find the church we were looking for. Time to go back on the meds. If it weren't for Effexxor, there's no way I could handle this deployment. It basically makes it where I can't get to the really bad stuff. I used to avoid talking to people (which is tough as a teacher!)

You'd take meds for high blood pressure wouldn't you? Same deal.

SWAW Samantha said...

So basically, you're trendy. Everyone is on an anti-depressant. I heart Prozac myself. :)

Carie said...

That's your big secret? Oh good Lord, I thought you were going to tell us something like you and Mr. Ashley are swingers or that you are really a lesbian but use your marriage as a cover (all the signs are there) (just kidding, no I'm not). Being on anti-anxiety meds? NOT A BIG DEAL! You got help and that is great!

Sasha said...

Yay!!! Another club member!

I wear my med badge proudly and if I don't tell someone, they are bound to know because I can now smile. Seriously, it was that bad and I didn't even know it. Lexapro rocks!

Anonymous said...

your blog still sucks ass

Anonymous said...

I forgot to say, you think you are being funny by making fun of being an attention whore and needy but it really is sad and shows your extreme insecurity.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

It's pretty funny in a pathetic sort of way when someone takes the time to comment to let you know you suck, then they come back again as if you care. You know, anonymous, you are free to not read this site or any others that suck in your opinion.

Back to Ashley... Everyone I know takes pills. No shame in it at all.

Unknown said...

You know what's really sad and needy?

Posting anonymous nasty comments on blogs of people you supposedly don't even like.

Talk about attention whore.

I do like comments though and my readers do like stupid people, so if it makes you feel special and important, carry on.

Anonymous said...

I'm on it too; at first it made me extremely sleepy; I actually fell asleep on the job and got in car accident; but now I adjusted to the dosage

Anonymous said...

oh please. you know it bothers you and because it does I will continue to comment.

Unknown said...

LMAO. Well, aren't you a turd?

Please do continue to comment. I cannot get some of these freaking people to leave comments to save my life. At least hate mail will give me more comments to publish.

And I'll be helping make a troll feel important. That's nice of me.

Anonymous said...

maybe they don't comment because your blog sucks ass?

I don't NEED to feel important, unlike you. How old are you anyway?

Maggie said...

Meds rock. And anonymous is something lower than a loser. If she has something to say she can put her name on it.

Anonymous said...

When I was in grad school I found myself needing some anti-depressants. It was really hard for me to go to the doctor and then I was given Prozac. I cried so hard because I thought I was crazy. But one month after I began to take the meds, I felt alive again. I was on them for a year (though not Prozac b/c I was allergic). Sometimes I think I should be on them again but life's not quite as bad as it was then.

Melodie said...

I'm on Effexor, too. It's great! I didn't think I had a problem, but once I started taking it, my whole world changed. I'm so much less stressed out. My doctor said that since I'm doing so great, he wants to talk about taking me off of it soon, but I really like the way a feel now, so I'm going to have to tell him no way.

Anonymous said...

Better living through pharmaceuticals! I am a happier person while on Zoloft (Lexapro made me feel like I was in a coma - completely flat affect). Working out a lot helps too. Then there is chocolate. Throw in an occasional visit with a therapist. Add it all up and all is right in my world. I know many people who would benefit from meds but see it as a weakness. I'd rather be weak and happy than strong and miserable, thank you very much.

And your troll is boring. No originality at all. I hope it is just getting warmed up and will really bring on the good stuff soon.

Anonymous said...


I got off my lazy arse and got a fresh cup of coffee for this? Where's the juicy confession? Geesh what a let down.

Some of us may have maxed out on the allowed dosage for celexa and our MD suggested we get ourself a psychiatrist.

I don't know anyone like that. Just saying I heard it over at BBC.

Stop judging me, I voted already.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ashley's wannabe troll,

You suck ass.

Get some original material and make sure it's funny. We are accustomed to a certain standard of entertainment around here. You are certainly not making the grade.

We want a good troll. Someone witty not this wannabe that only says suck ass.

You make the rest of us anonymous posters look bad.

We're just too lazy to log in. You're just too stupid.

Unknown said...

I've never understood why there's such a stigma attached to mental health. If you have a headache you'd take aspirin and this should be no different. Good for you for being brave enough to tell your story. I'm sorry that you have to deal with anonymous commenters.

Joy said...

Meds that is it? I thought it would have been some really good juicy gossip like you were having another little kid, now that would have been some funny shit I can only imagine how great the posts would have been. I still luv ya meds and all. Oh yea and a new troll I can only wait to read the stuff.

Unknown said...

Seriously.. I, too thought you were going to mention the lesbian route you were taking (and was Oh-so-excited).

I tried Lexapro once, not for me.. the stupid M.D that prescribed them OD'd me.. gave me a BAD reaction and for that, I can't take Tylenol without fear of a side effect.. however, if that never happened, I'd be all over the anti-anxiety meds and lovin' it, I am sure.
Good for you for recognizing and getting help for your craziness.

And to the stupid ugly good-for-nothing troll.
Get a life, bitch. You are lame.

I wasn't going to even acknowledge its presence but I love shit like this too. I too, just wish it was a little more witty.

Cinnamon said...

OMG, Ashley is NORMAL! That cannot be. ;) :P I am a Zoloft user! I went 4 days without it by accident and I was ready to commit myself or find youth sized straight jackets with a velcro wall.

Deb said...

Oooh... a troll! It sounds like you're not the only person who could use some happy pills, Ashley!

AFRo said...

Celexa here... My description: Makes me feel like I can deal with the world, not that the world is dealing with me.

Sarahviz said...

I heart Celexa. It allows me to not feel so OVERWHELMED. And when I don't take it regularly, I feel like I'm perpetually under a big black cloud.

Kudos to you for writing about this.

Kate said...

Ok there seems to be 2 paths I can take here - admit I too am on meds or be a troll....Hmmm, since I haven't been prescribed any meds (I personally prefer to self medicate with wine and making my children's lives hell. Although there are some indications that perhaps I should consult with my doctor about some meds to tone down the level of inappropriateness. Plus I saw a new TV commercial for a drug that lets people poo regularly - maybe I should try that?) I guess that only leaves me the troll route. Lets try:

You suck, you jackass.

Yeah, that's not working for me. We all know I worship at your SALWG feet.

On a serious note, huDge props for coming out of the closet :D. I know its hard to admit you need help - what's harder is not realizing it at the time. I probably should have been on some heavy duty anti depressants during my divorce but I never realized things were that bad until things got better. Perhaps you will inspire someone to realize that the stigma is no longer there and allow them to seek the help they need. That would be a good thing, no? Perhaps, if more women were willing to say that they aren't supermom, we wouldn't feel like failures when things don't go right. So kudos to you and all the mom's who have brought this out into the open.

Anonymous said...

you suck ass... HILARIOUS (read: not)

Fluffy Windover said...

Hi Ashley! I took Effexor for 6 years for general anxiety and panic attacks. (The BHE made me go on it when I stopped leaving the house after 9/11.) It literally changed my life. I never knew what it was like to go to bed every night not terrified that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I had spent my whole life before then in a permanent state of fear. I thought it was part of my personality. But that's BS; nobody should have to go through life like that when there are effective medications. My life would have gone a very different way had I not found a drug that worked for me. I feel like I owe my current happy life to Effexor. Now that I am off it I know how to deal with panic attacks, know that they are not "premonitions" and know that they won't kill me and they are not part of who I am. They are just a chemical quirk, nothing more. They have no power now. Sorry for the long post; it is a subject close to my heart. I'm so glad it is working for you! love, fluffy