You BASTARD!!! How dare you go and knock some slut up? As I sit here, doing my time in this unglamorous life, waiting around for you while you're out whoring it up around Hollywood...you go and get some chick pregnant. A TWENTY TWO YEAR OLD, no less.
I'm ashamed, as well as deeply disappointed. Heartbroken even. This is even worse than when you got serious with that ferret face Penelope Cruz. That was just an embarrassment.
What does this mean for us? I just don't see myself doing the step-parent thing. Can't you send her somewhere? Get her an apartment somewhere far away and pay her off to disappear. I really don't know how I can forgive you for this.
I can't believe you managed to go this long without getting hitched or letting some hooker tie you down, only to get a 22 year old pregnant. I'm just devastated. I hope you're happy. I think I need to go lie down.
You will regret this.
Hell Hath No Fury,