Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

You BASTARD!!! How dare you go and knock some slut up? As I sit here, doing my time in this unglamorous life, waiting around for you while you're out whoring it up around Hollywood...you go and get some chick pregnant. A TWENTY TWO YEAR OLD, no less.

I'm ashamed, as well as deeply disappointed. Heartbroken even. This is even worse than when you got serious with that ferret face Penelope Cruz. That was just an embarrassment.

What does this mean for us? I just don't see myself doing the step-parent thing. Can't you send her somewhere? Get her an apartment somewhere far away and pay her off to disappear. I really don't know how I can forgive you for this.

I can't believe you managed to go this long without getting hitched or letting some hooker tie you down, only to get a 22 year old pregnant. I'm just devastated. I hope you're happy. I think I need to go lie down.

You will regret this.

Hell Hath No Fury,
Ashley

12 comments:

clemsongirlandthecoach said...

Damn. Straight.

~Gretchen~ said...

how the hell did you find a picture of him wearing a shirt???

Catfish said...

Gretchen, LMAO! So true, I've NEVER seen a picture of him with all his clothes on. (I was going to comment something else but there is no way to top that)

AFR said...

I am truly speechless and haven't had my TMZ dose yet, so I was unaware. I guess I'll have to observe an hour of silence (and no work) until 5 today in honor of my dead fantasies. Thank you for breaking the news.

Deb said...

"Call me"... LOL.

Anonymous said...

Personally I think you should thank your lucky stars:

MM (Matthew McCon.) Sew, hunnay. Hower u feelin tu-day?

BM (Baby Momma) Well, actually I was sick 3 times and my back is killing me and I am constipated and my hair is different and my clothes don’t fit and I am afraid I won’t work again (because I am a model) and I know you think I should do this all natural and take it like a man but I am re-thinking the eip and bla bla bla……are you listening to me?

MM: Well, Soory bout that hunnay. I’m gunna go work out with my “boyfriends” Lance-a-licious and Jakey right now. Tuhnite I have a bongo bong-rippin’ nakey drum circle, and tomorrow night I have an event to attend with Kate Hudson, and no we’ve never been “intimate” and I then I think I am going to spend a few days in mah trailer at the beach. Prolly meditating.

BM: The trailer doesn’t have a good flushing toilet Matthew.

MM: Well, sorry hunnay.

I think he seems like an idiot. And he’s ALWAYS sweaty. JM2C. You can have him.

Jenn said...

Part of my soul has gone missing forever.

CM said...

And I thought I was the only one waiting around for him to sow his "Wild Oats". Sheesh! Its a very sad day indeed!

Brooke said...

Seriously...STOP! I just stumbled across your blog and it honestly does not get any better than this. As I read your LMAO post I was crying! Good Lord you are funny. I am going to go read LMAO again...it's just too much. I always felt I had a post brewing inside of me about that crazy Mrs. Duggar but you summed it up so nicely...I'm out.

By the way, Matthew will get tired of that hot little slut and come running back to you. Don't worry.

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

Holy Hell, he better duck and cover!

trishasboys said...

To be honest with a face and body like that, it wouldn't take much for me to forgive him!!

Trisha

Southern Fried Girl said...

I know. That was just so wrong of him. If he starts dressing his damn kid in hemp and shit, I'm gonna hurl.