Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dear God...It's Me Ashley,

Hi.

Sooooo, I'm guessing you either haven't gotten around to it yet, don't believe you are in error, or don't answer parenting requests.

I thought you would at least re-evaluate the situation. At the VERY least, give me a little break to recover my sanity.

But no.

Clearly you aren't taking the situation seriously since little kid just walked in off of the deck...marched over to me...pulled his fat little arm back...and threw...

DOG POOP
at me.
It bounced off of my leg, before landing with a quiet thud on the floor in front of me. Big Kid, little kid and I all stood there in silence, trying to figure out exactly what just happened. Big Kid and I were momentarily stunned, while little kid looked on in curious fascination.

When my brain finally figured out what that slightly spongy, sticky thing that just rolled off of my shin was, I sure as hell did use your name in vain. I'm pretty sure it's excusable in a situation like this one.

THERE WAS DOG POOP ON MY LEG.

MY BABY THREW IT AT ME.

Oh my You, oh my You, oh my You.

I still want to claw at my skin, throw boiling water on myself and scream at the heavens.

Then, as you know, I threw little kid in the tub only to find myself ill prepared to get him out. So I raced across the house to get a towel, almost completely confident he wouldn't find a way to drown in a draining bath tub in such a short period of time, only to return to find him out of the tub, standing on a stool at the sink, surrounded by the contents of a bottle of Huggies Clean Team shampoo, which he has evidently been brushing his teeth with (using Big Kid's toothbrush, no less).

I was gone for less than a minute. I didn't even know he knew how to get out of the tub. I literally jogged across our family room.

What did I do to deserve this?

My only other thought is that he may be Satan spawn? It would be just like me to make a deal with the Devil and forget about it. If so, let me know so I can get something worked out with him at least.

Thanks again for your prompt attention to this matter!

Yours Truly,
Ashley

20 comments:

Deb said...

I have been there. I feel your pain. But CRAP did I laugh my ass off at your pain (not so much when it happened to me).

AFRo said...

Thanks so much for sharing this. Work has been a bit of a chore today. I am so sorry that you had to endure such a thing, but I'm with Deb... I laughed my ass off!!!

Anonymous said...

Okay, one of the few things on the internet that did make me laugh out loud! The scary thing (for me) is that I think my little one is going to be a lot like little kid in a little while.

Anonymous said...

I forgot how much I dislike this age... I have an 8/06 baby, too, and she's driving me NUTS. I now remember the months that I did not leave the house with my first daughter! agh! OH well, now the older one is almost 5 and she, too, is a pain in my ass. *sigh*
My friends with older kids says it doesn't get much better...

Anonymous said...

I cannot explain how much I look forward to new posts from you! Every one seems to be funnier than the last. Although I am sorry that I am laughing at your expense!!

Anonymous said...

I cannot explain how much I look forward to new posts from you! Every one seems to be funnier than the last. Although I am sorry that I am laughing at your expense!!

Tara said...

hahahahahaha! I died laughing at this post. thank you for lifting my spirits after finding out that my husband didn't answer the phone when Harpo Studios called about tickets to an Oprah show. Yep...

Off to cry in a Venti White Mocha

Anonymous said...

LMAO - Ashley I have been reading you for a while and I enjoy it so...I wasn't sure why at first...now I know. My 16 month old is Little Kids long lost twin! I swear I could read your posts and switch the names for my boys and it would be my life. You are not alone.

Dawn

Renee said...

Would you be offended if I didn't let David hang out with little kid anymore? No offense, it's just that....you know....last summer...the whole pulling on electric cords and opening kitchen cabinets thing? And pulling all the trash bags out of the cabinet under the sink? And pulling all the bottles of cleaners out? Yeah, you could say that little kid was a bad influence on sweet, innocent, obedient little David. And with the size of my brood, I can't handle any insolence.

We can still be bff though. Thanks for understanding.

-The Renee

Ned said...

Sweet Jesus. I am praying for you. How long until he starts Kindergarten? ...

Anonymous said...

U are so Fucking Funny....... I make my bad day go away...

Mom of 5 said...

Time for another chawbaby get together. Your son throws poop. My daughter ATE poop. Together they could be quite a team. Bald headed poop monsters from hell. They can corrupt all of the other babies so that the other moms can really feel our pain.

Jamie said...

Oh my, oh my, OH MY! That is hilarious. I mean, that is AWFUL! ;)

Fishy Busyness said...

Just found your blog. It makes me laugh. A lot!

Stacy said...

My gosh sounds like little kid and my 14.5 mth old are two peas in a pod when it comes to being incredibly busy and driving a person insane.

Catfish said...

POOP! SERIOUSLY!! Are all babies infatuated with POOP?! It sounds like it...and you wonder why I don't want to have kids. Oh my goodness. That's it I'm waiting another 5 years.

Anonymous said...

I don't comment often, but felt the need to on this one! That is hilarious....don't get me wrong, I feel your pain. No poop tossing from mine yet but given the chance, I'm sure he would. Love the blog....keeps me laughing!

Kristy

Amy said...

Oh my God I'm laughing my ass off!!

Gurl, with little kid, you are so in for it.

It's not God, it's the devil punishing you for forgetting about that deal. (Why the devil should expect anyone to honor a deal God only knows.) God is laughing too!

Kate said...

Thanks for the mental picture of your leg with a snail trail of dog shit running down it...the LK looking both cute as hell and devilish at the same time (along the lines of gee that was fun, when can I do it again) and you and BK looking totally shocked....been laughing all afternoon at that visual. If I don't stop soon, people are going to think I have Britney disease y'all.

misspro312 said...

Ok I have been reading your blog for a couple days. I stalk really, but after that story I had to leave a comment. I am at work trying my best to conceal howling laughter so my coworkers don't know I am not doing work. You are too funny!