No 5 Second Rule

Big Kid: No, I'm frowing my lollipop away because it dest fell on da floor. You can't have it, little kid. GET AWAY. Are you twyin' to get stuff in da garbage? 'Cuz it's in da garbage.

little kid: NOOOO!

Big Kid: Excuse me? Excuuuuse me? Did you say no to me? I BET you did. Do you want to choose a choice? Do you want to have fun out here or just be a bad, bad eater?

(sounds of a struggle)

Hey, I tode you not to try to get da lollipop. I frowed it in da garbage, little kid. Bad boy! You can't get it fwom da garbage. Fine, you're a bad eater. You choose bad eating. I can't believe you would want to be so discustin'. MOM! MUDDER!! He dest ate a cracker out of da garbage! I CANNOT BEWIEVE YOU ARE EATIN' GARBAGE, LITTLE KID. MOOOOOOOM.

Ashley: (finally rising from the couch, where I have been blogging their argument thus far) Okay, he already chewed it up, nothing I can do about it now. little kid, I have told you NOT to eat things out of the garbage. Stay out of the laundry room. This is insane, I shouldn't have to tell you this stuff.

Big Kid: (Bursts into tears) He ate garbage. He's gonna be sick. Oh no!! Oh nooooo, little kid, I can't bewieve you're gonna be sick. Don't eber do it again, promise me you won't eber do it again. WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Ashley: (stunned silence, along with little kid) Um, Big Kid...it's okay. It was half a cracker, still in the cellophane even. I promise, he won't be sick.

Big Kid: (sobbing) You don't know nothin' about germs. He will be sick. It was in dere wif garbage. He will be sick forevuh. I cannot bewieve you did dis little kid, dat you ate garbage. I dest still can't eben bewieve it.

I've finally managed to calm him down (and move the garbage can further away, it was too close to the baby gate) but I will admit to being totally shocked by Big Kid's reaction. WOW.

The hand washing obsession obviously runs deeper than the amusement of soap and water. I have no idea how I ended up giving birth to a germ freak, but he is living in the wrong house to have that level of concern.

edited to add: Not that we regularly eat things out of the garbage, but we are proponents of the five second rule. I just doubt we live up to his expectations in terms of sanitation, which seem extraordinarily high for a four year old.