Alpha Neighbor part deuce

So, this morning while getting the kids ready for school, I got a text message from Mr. Ashley that said, "I took care of the Dog Whisperer."

This sounded ominous. Wondering if I was about to find a pile of bodies at the foot of the driveway, I decided the kids could be late if need be and called him back right away.

I guess as he was getting in the car for work she popped up and said, "Oh, hi! How are you? I was hoping you could help me straighten something out. I, uh, left something in your yard and I think your wife picked it up. I just--well, uh, when I walk my dogs, and they defecate, um, I put it in the bag and then I fling it across the street. I think your wife picked up the bag and she doesn't have to do that. I don't want her doing that."

"....she doesn't like poop in the yard."

"Well, yeah, but I'm coming back for it. I was going to pick it up."

"Yeah. She doesn't like poop in the yard."

"Well, she doesn't have to pick up the bag. Don't you guys have dogs?"

"Yes."

"I mean, I'm coming right back for it."

"She doesn't like poop in the yard."

At this point she looked completely perplexed and clearly thought I was the unreasonable one, even though she's the one admittedly FLINGING SHIT ACROSS OUR STREET INTO MY YARD. My god. To even use the words "defecate" and "fling" in the same sentence, you're instantly wrong. There is nothing right about that.

"Oh. Okaaaaay. Well....have a good day." And that was that. So I guess maybe it's over but now we're both confused and annoyed with each other.

And you know what? If on our first encounter she had smiled sheepishly and said, "Mind if I leave this here for 2 minutes while I finish walking around the block? I promise I'll pick it up!" I probably would have thought it was a weird request, but would have most likely laughed and said, "Oh, sure. No problem!" and meant it. It's the presumptuousness of flinging crap into someone's yard that I'm not okay with.

I also now see why she appeared to be walking back up my driveway to deliver the poop the first time--she must not have had the balls to fling it while I was watching and walked it across the street to my house. Freak.

This better conclude all poop-throwing stories. If I ever find poop in a bag in my yard again, I'm going to beat her about the head with it.